not so dear husband and circ-update - Page 2 - Mothering Forums
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#31 of 47 Old 03-28-2006, 04:40 PM
 
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Hi Heather!! I'm sorry to see you in this situation.

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Originally Posted by msumomma
What makes me so sad about this whole situation, is that he just shut right down and is willing to loose our marriage over this. Then he says that I am the one willing to throw away our marraige over this.
He brought up the word "divorce", correct? Then it's him that is willing to loose your marriage over this, not you. Please do not let him push the "blame" on you.

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Originally Posted by msumomma
He says I never had these "crazy" ideas before I started on this site with all of you treehuggers (I didn't find this site until after my dd was about 2 months old and I was looking for bf support). I tell him people change and ideas change and we've been together 8 years and I wasn't supposed to grow intelluctually or spiritually? He also said last night I have ruined his dreams of ever having a son. Ugh.
Treehuggers? Then I proudly hug trees! My DH is in no way "crunchy", yet he decided along with me to keep our son intact (DH is circ). Before me, he just never really thought about it. He likes that I challenge him to think.

Honestly, I would put the issue on the back burner for now. Let things settle down. If he ever does come around, make sure he is for real. Also, before ttc again I would make sure he is on the same page for everything else. Just give it time to "cook".


If you ever need anything, pm me.
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#32 of 47 Old 03-28-2006, 04:52 PM
 
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The only thing certain is the impermanence of things. Hoping your husband changes his view.

You rock Jen for such a thorough post on Brian's website.
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#33 of 47 Old 03-28-2006, 05:05 PM
 
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Hello Heather,
I am almost in the same situation as far as circumcision goes. First of all, if you decide that you don't want your child circumcised then the doctors by law cannot have it done. Another thing is that circumcision does not have to be done right away. Some people think that it should be done right away because of the right of a UTI w/i the first year. This risk is only 1%, and babies that are circumcised also have a risk.... also there are more risk that come with circumcision....I'm sure you know all this information since you are against circumcision, but there is a website: www.mothersagianstcirc.org. I don't know if you and your husband can agree to allow your child to make the descision.

As far as my situation goes, I am completely against circumcision and my husband completely for it. Infact we got into a huge argument and he said that his mind is made up and he will not hear anymore information about it. He also said something about how there are many things that he feels he has compromised on with me, and this is not one that he will NOT compromise on. For our situation I believe that there are more underlying issues besides circumcision. I believe that he feels that his desires or needs are not being heard. This is our first pregnancy and we do not yet know if it is a boy or a girl. We have decided not to talk about it unless we find out it is a boy. Meanwhile I will let other issues go that are not so important.

I'm sorry that you and your husband are going through this... I don't know if you believe in God, but what I do is just pray. The enemy loves to destroy relationships, particularly a relationship as strong as marriage.

with love, Julia
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#34 of 47 Old 03-28-2006, 05:37 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jewels333
First of all, if you decide that you don't want your child circumcised then the doctors by law cannot have it done.
That's usually true during your hospital stay after delivery, but usually any time after that the father can take the child to have it done without the mother's consent or knowledge, as the OP's husband threatened to do. Probably the only way to stop that would be a court order ordering him not to, and I'm not entirely sure what the consequence would be if he violated that. He'd be in contempt of court and it would be whatever the judge felt like. That's if you can get a judge to issue that order to begin with, which may be more difficult in some parts of the country than others.
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#35 of 47 Old 03-28-2006, 07:15 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Zamber

Treehuggers? Then I proudly hug trees! My DH is in no way "crunchy", yet he decided along with me to keep our son intact (DH is circ). Before me, he just never really thought about it. He likes that I challenge him to think.
.
I told him the same thing, I guess I proudly hug trees.
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#36 of 47 Old 03-28-2006, 07:28 PM
 
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"In male babies the foreskin is lightly attached to the penis underneath it, much like the skin on an orange, and comes free over the course of the first few years of life."
You mean like my ear is "lightly attached" to my head???

Just reading back through and saw this. I can't even believe a parent would read this and think "yeah, that sounds right"

Casey
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#37 of 47 Old 03-28-2006, 10:25 PM
 
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I am so sorry! DH was so angry when I told him I couldn't circumcize our son. I offered all the facts but he wasn't interested. Once my mind was made up he knew he couldn't change it and stopped arguing.

Truth is, he rarely sees DS's penis so whether or not the baby is circumcised is of little consequence. (I like to change diapers because I am so obsessed with cloth)

I have no good advice for you because in a battle of wills I always win. And my DH knew if he had DS circed w/out my permission the hell to pay would be great. I also told DH that I was concerned that he could so easily allow our son to be put through so much pain (especially when DH cried during DS heel sticks)

I would ask him to watch a circumcision video, maybe the Penn & Teller show as well. I would ask him to look at all the facts of circumcision and then make an argument as to why it should be done, instead of why it should not. If he says "I want him to look like me" ask him how often he compared penises w/ his father, my guess is never.

I never expected my DH to become anti-circ, but I expected him to "give in" and no longer demand it be done to our son. I hope your DH comes around.
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#38 of 47 Old 03-29-2006, 12:23 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by msumomma
OMG this IS my dh!!!!!!!!!
He also said last night I have ruined his dreams of ever having a son. Ugh.
Gosh... I've had dreams about my son(s) being circumcised and they were nightmares where I couldn't get to them while it was happening. What kind of dreams is your husband having about circ'ing his son?!?!
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#39 of 47 Old 03-29-2006, 12:24 AM
 
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Quote:
Truth is, he rarely sees DS's penis so whether or not the baby is circumcised is of little consequence. (I like to change diapers because I am so obsessed with cloth)

I have no good advice for you because in a battle of wills I always win. And my DH knew if he had DS circed w/out my permission the hell to pay would be great. I also told DH that I was concerned that he could so easily allow our son to be put through so much pain (especially when DH cried during DS heel sticks)
Actually...I think thats great advice. Most men really don't change that many diapers...so what does he want? The satisfaction of knowing it was done? And ask him how he feels about the pain aspect...I'm sure he is thinking "I don't remember the pain from when I was circ'd"...but is that really any excuse to put your son through it? Does "not remembering" make it okay?

Casey
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#40 of 47 Old 03-29-2006, 01:40 AM
 
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nak

ITA with showing your dh the pic of gangrene and mention that while HE was obv one of the lucky ones who didn't die or have to live his life as a girl because of his circ, his son may NOT be so lucky and is he really willing to risk death or having a shemale (I have no problems with adults/teens who really are the other gender. I have friends who were born in the wrong body, but this would be HIS FAULT and your son may really be a boy and may not get that chance if circ'd - not probable, but it DOES happen) or confusion of gender right off the bat for his son?

By mentioning that HE was lucky, maybe he'll stop taking it personally. His mother didn't know any better either and I would bring that up as well. It's what was done, but when we know better we do better and there's no reason to perpetuate the cycle of violence just because his parents didn't have access to the medical data that we have access to now.

Just let him know that you're really not attacking him, his manhood, or his parents.

Besides YOU'RE the one who'll have to deal with having an open wound in a diaper (can we say - asking for infection?).

love and peace.

mama to two girls and due in November!
: Circumcision can never be undone :
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#41 of 47 Old 03-29-2006, 02:36 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by morning glory
Actually...I think thats great advice. Most men really don't change that many diapers...so what does he want? The satisfaction of knowing it was done? And ask him how he feels about the pain aspect...I'm sure he is thinking "I don't remember the pain from when I was circ'd"...but is that really any excuse to put your son through it? Does "not remembering" make it okay?

Casey
EXACTLY! You could teach a child about the dangers of a hot iron by putting their hand into it and say the same thing. The child doesn't remember it, but it doesn't make it right. Know what I mean?
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#42 of 47 Old 03-29-2006, 10:30 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by morning glory
You mean like my ear is "lightly attached" to my head???

Just reading back through and saw this. I can't even believe a parent would read this and think "yeah, that sounds right"

Casey
Well, to the person peeling an orange, it seems like it's lightly attached, not much effort to break the bond, but I'll bet to the orange it's pretty firm!
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#43 of 47 Old 03-29-2006, 10:58 AM
 
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My Dh was dead set on getting a circumcision. I would ask why, and he would say some lame reason or another, and I would tell him the facts. It got pretty intense, me telling him that I would tell the doctor if a circ was performed that I'd file battery charges and a lawsuit. My husband would get so angry, and tell me he felt like he had no part in anything.

Finally, I decided to let him decide, it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I just said, I know that you will make the best decision for our child. I never brought it up again. But he did, everyday he would come home from work with stories. He was now asking people if they thought we should circ LOL then when they ALL said, yes, you should get it done, he would ask why, and then when they gave them him a bunch of lame reasons, he was using the facts that I told him! Also, we "inspected" his penis and found a few scars he never even noticed, so maybe that;'s worth a try?

Well, our DS was born, and the doc came in and asked if we were having one, and my DH said, yes but not until after his 2 week visit. So, we got to the two week visit, did the whole weight, check the baby out etc. and then the doc was like "well I'll go getready to perform the circumcision" and my DH decided at that moment, no, that won't be necessary, we're not going to do that to our son. I was sooo overjoyed. That obviously wont work for everyone, but it did wonders for my husband knowing all the responsibilty fell on him, and that he was in control.

It was so funny when we were at his moms (who's given me all sorts of terrible advice on childrearing, criticissizes me, feed my child animal products when she knows we're trying to be vegab...) I was changing Sabiens diaper, and she saw and made a face like she was disgusted and surprise, and she said to my DH, oh! you didn't circumsize him?!?! And he was like NO! Why would we do that? It's sexual mutilation. And she wasw all like well, I didn't think I was sexually mutilating you when you got it done. And he said, yeah well.....you were!

So, there's my lengthy postfor the day!
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#44 of 47 Old 03-31-2006, 06:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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#45 of 47 Old 03-31-2006, 06:47 PM
 
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Update: He was willing last night to read the information I have ready for him. Small victory here.
:

: : :

Good Luck!!!
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#46 of 47 Old 03-31-2006, 06:58 PM
 
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Amazing story about your hubby's conversion, Brie, thanks very much for sharing that and give him a big hug (or something naughtier) for me tonight.
Baybee
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#47 of 47 Old 04-02-2006, 01:10 PM
 
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Originally Posted by baybee
Amazing story about your hubby's conversion, Brie, thanks very much for sharing that and give him a big hug (or something naughtier) for me tonight.
Baybee
LOL, will do
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