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#1 of 14 Old 06-26-2003, 12:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi,

I have one son who was circum'd omg I fought LIKE HELL WITH DH WHOM BTW IS STILL INTACKED! he didnt want our son growing up feeling "diffrent" ugh!
My questionnis.. our next little dude will not be cicum'd and what do u tell them when they are older not in therer 20's LOL but I would think one will ask about the other? have you run into this before?
Thank god my dh has been so suportive and has listened to me ramble and read all the stuff about the topic. Wish he would have been more interested with monkey #1
I feel so bad.

so, when you have two boys one intacked the other not what do u do?


Thanks much!
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#2 of 14 Old 06-26-2003, 12:45 PM
 
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I fought with dh over circumcising our now five year old to the point of very loud arguing in front of and WITH the nurses many times so I think I do understand the angst you must have felt when disagreeing over this issue and his refusal to budge.

Congratulations on your hard work convincing him not to circ the next one. You obviously said the right thing to get through to him.

My five year old is circ'ed. My two year old is intact. I haven't exactly figured out what I will say (when the time comes) and am quite interested in learning a couple of different ways of possibly dealing with this.
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#3 of 14 Old 06-26-2003, 01:20 PM - Thread Starter
 
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so your 5 yr old hasnt even noticed?
I bet they wont even say a thing! im so proactive LOL always worriying about things that I should probley not worry about!!
LOL

well youll have to fill me in when if the time even does come!!

Thanks much!
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#4 of 14 Old 06-26-2003, 01:21 PM
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Just say that you make parenting choices based on what you think is right at the time, and sometimes, what you think is right changes. So, son #1 had circ done, and son #2 didn't.

If they ask you when they are really little, you could say, "yep, your penises look a little different. We're all different in some ways." Or something to that effect.
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#5 of 14 Old 06-26-2003, 02:09 PM
 
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I really don't agree with that "everybody's different" thing... yes- we are all different- some of us are tall or short, dark or light, but- being circumcised is not the natural way of being. To explain away the circumcsed state as just one of the many ways that humans are unique is to totally sidestep the issue- all boys are born intact- they are NOT DIFFERENT in that way... the difference happens later when someone circumcises them.

So that has to be made clear- this is not one of the ways we are different. This is one of the ways we are MADE TO BE different.

To tell two brother that they are different because people are all different is IMHO - a LIE...
those two brothers were the SAME untill someone circumcsed one. The circumcised boy needs to know that his body was the same as his borthers once in order to have a fair understanding of what was done to him.

No you don't need to scare him or be so morose that you interject negative feelings onto his self image- but it is not fair to imply to a circumcsed child that the way his body differs from his intact borther is just one of the many wonderful ways that humans are unique.

Love Sarah
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#6 of 14 Old 06-26-2003, 02:27 PM - Thread Starter
 
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LOL she is 10 and also has a brother who is 17 mos now? he is 4 1/2 younger than my son and I know she will be like WTF?
LOL i guess maybe im preparing myself for when she says whats wrong with his thing? LOL
I would have to say im almost 100% pos that her bro is curc'd

the respones I ve got so far are very well written I apprecaite everyones points of veiws!

I feel comfortable to talk with my daughter about being intacked and not being intacled ect and how her dad and I werer uneducated about the cur'c topic and for this one and if therer are more to come they will remain intacked. I must expres to her how it is "ok" to not be intacked aswell bieng that my son aand her bro arn't.

having a little blomming lady around sure adds to the fun HUh?
lol

Thanks again!
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#7 of 14 Old 06-26-2003, 02:29 PM
 
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My five year old has not said anything as of yet. I imagine it's just as likely the younger one might be the one to make a comment sometime down the road. I had been thinking of saying that the 5 yo is circumcised and the 2 yo is not - and wait for the ensuing questions. Yes I am a bit apprehensive about this. I'm also very much interested in foreskin restoration and learning how to eventually pass this information to 5 yo.

Within the past year the 5 yo was incessantly fiddling with himself for days on end and I asked what he was doing (worrying that perhaps there may have been discomfort due to a urinary tract infection, etc.).

He told me he was *fixing* it. He showed me how he pulls the bit of loose foreskin forwards (in an effort to put it back into place where it would sit if he hadn't been circ'ed.) I wonder if the scar is itchy. My caesarean scar still is.
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#8 of 14 Old 06-26-2003, 04:09 PM
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So, Sarah, I see what you are saying, but then how do you answer the question? I'm not sure I want my ds running to his friends announcing, "You were cut when you were a baby!"
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#9 of 14 Old 06-26-2003, 05:51 PM
 
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I realise that I had not really adressed your question- only one response to it...

Yeah, what happens when you have a kid who knows more about someone's body- and how it came to be that way than the person himself?... it sure puts you in a pickle.

There are so many parents who seemingly try to intimidate others into circumcising with, "Aren't you afraid he will be made fun of?" (Implication: teasing a intact child is justifiable, so much so that I should turn my intact child into a circumcised one in order to avoid it)

and I always *want* to come back with, "Aren't YOU AFRAID my son is going to tell him what you did to him!? After so much as telling me that you are going to teach your son to scorn my child's body- you expect me to instill charitable compassionate character in my son to protect YOU?"

Most intact kids are so horrified by the idea of having a piece of their penis cut off that they are immediatly filled with compassion and kindness towards a circumcised peer. There is no "INTACT CLUB" mentality the way the "CIRCUMCISED CLUB" defensivly exists to prop up a reason to feel good about having lost a part of your penis.

Just tell your kid the truth and explain that it happened when they were a baby and that their parents believed it was best for them. Depending on the circumstance of the issue coming up, it may be a matter of simply explaining the difference. It is almost never a circumstance of cruelty- usually the question is a genuine curiosity between two friends who like eachother.

"When you were born yours was just like mine, my older brother is circumcised like you, but my mom learned that it is not necissary to do, so when I was born they left mine alone. "


The stories I have read from restoring men about the moment when they first found out they were circumcised are sometimes very tragic- this is because the boys are left wide open by their ignorance- you never know where they will be or who they will be with when that anvil falls. I do not think that it is fair for parents to avoid the issue by not talking about it.

I think a lot of parents are afraid to not circumcse the second boy because they can not face that talk... they would rather circumcise two and gamble on how those boys will ever find out- than to be brave and take responsibility for explaining what happened.

I really respect you for your courage to say no and deal with the various issues that may or most likely will not come up. I think you will find that children are amazingly accepting if they are respected. They are a lot more kind to each other than we give them credit for, and there is no flip-side to the circumcised peer group, if there is one, it is only a backlash but it does not have it's own generating force. there are only friends... there is no circumcised and intact vengeful backbiting- this lockeroom teasing is overinflated.

My son had friends who are intact and circumcised- and right now they are all ignorant of one another's "status" so what is going to happen when they do find out- you think friendships are going to crumble? segregated playdays? new tribes? I doubt it.

Love Sarah
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#10 of 14 Old 06-27-2003, 02:25 PM
 
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I heard a story once where the older son was circ'd and the younger son was intact... when the older boy, about 4 or 5 saw his baby brother's penis he made some comment like "I have a mushroom but he has a carrot!"
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#11 of 14 Old 06-27-2003, 05:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Very cute1
Thanks for sharing
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#12 of 14 Old 06-28-2003, 10:39 AM
 
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My oldest son is cirded (he is 6) and has recently been talking to me about how his penis looks different. My 4 year old has been having great fun with how his foreskin is starting to retract and my oldest is wishing he could do the same. He doesnt seem too concerned with it, but when he asks I tell him that he has very little foreskin and brother has a lot more. I kind of leave it at that for right now because he tends to obsess a little on things and I know that he will be upset if I tell him his foreskin was removed. When he gets older I will definately tell him what its all about, and why I allowed it to be done to him. Right now though I just dont want him to have to deal with how upsetting it might be.
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#13 of 14 Old 06-29-2003, 12:38 PM
 
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I agree 100% with what Sarah said. At the age of 6 I was sent to a boarding school, and that first night in the communal showers was when I discovered that about 1/3 of the boys had something the rest of us did not. I was clearly missing something. That started a lifelong curiosity, and I have to say a huge regret that I was circ'd. I never quite felt "whole".
Through 12 years of communal showers I do not recall one single instance of teasing because of someone's circumcision status. At one school there was a custom of labelling - one was either a "roundhead" or a "cavalier". But there was never any suggestion that one might be better than the other. I personaly think the teasing thing is a load of BS propagated by the pro-circs in an effort to justify their untenable position.
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#14 of 14 Old 06-29-2003, 07:16 PM
 
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When I was pregnant with ds his dad was concerned about him being different from himself because I was adamant about not circing ds. We decided if it ever became an issue that we would tell ds he was 'stock' and that his dad was 'customized'.
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