Circ, give in or not have a child together? - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 57 Old 09-06-2007, 12:52 AM - Thread Starter
 
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This discussion with my SO is very premature, but since it's an issue we both feel very strongly about I'd like to address it early on.

He, of course, feels strongly in favor of circ-ing with no waivering in sight. I'm opposed to circ-ing and didn't circ with my first son from a previous relationship.

If SO/DH would not, did not, waiver on his feelings on circ-ing what would you do?

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#2 of 57 Old 09-06-2007, 12:54 AM
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I'd ignore him, and just not circ. I'd let all healthcare professionals that worked with us know that circumcision was out of the question. That's it. End of discussion.
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#3 of 57 Old 09-06-2007, 12:59 AM
 
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It depends. What else is he not going to budge on? What kind of evidence does he need to change his mind on a subject? Is he going to bully you throughout the relationship...standing firm on all of his ideas without regard to your feelings?

Probably, I'd move on, but that's just me. In order to have a child with someone, you really need a lot of respect and team decisions. One "no" cancels out any "yes" until a mutually satisfactory compromise can be met.
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#4 of 57 Old 09-06-2007, 01:01 AM
 
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What would I do?

I would not be with a man or have a child with him if he wanted to mutilate a child.

Momma to three fine children, one that lives in my heart and two that live in my arms.
Circumcision is wrong, regardless of gender
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#5 of 57 Old 09-06-2007, 01:04 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MelKnee View Post
What would I do?

I would not be with a man or have a child with him if he wanted to mutilate a child.

:

Lola , loving my DH, Mama to & we &
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#6 of 57 Old 09-06-2007, 01:13 AM
 
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The decision is ultimatly up to you as the mother you are the only one that can sign the concent in the hospital. After you leave that is another story tho. You would have to never leave your dc alone with him to protect him all the time.

I firmly believe that a good man will eventually come around. It may take till the child is several years old like with my dh but finally I have gotten through to him and he understands now that circ is a violation of a basic human right.

I would give him time and the informtaion and work with him to help him learn. If I saw that it wasnt going to work I might very well choose to never have a child with him and possibly leave him over it depending on how adament he remained on the subject.

I cant imagine leaving my dh over him being for circ but I would never allow him to do it to my child. On that there is no comprimise. Dh's rights, and my rights for that matter, end were my childs rights begin.

 
SAHMlady.gifread.giflovin' trekkie.giffan intactivist.gifwinner.jpg to loveeyes.gifenergy.gifDD 10/00 & superhero.gifmoon.gifDS 10/04 ribbonpb.gifIf your ds is intact, keep him safe, visit the Case Against Circ forumnocirc.gifCirc, a personal choice, Your sonsyes.gifbrokenheart.gif11/98brokenheart.gif6/99ribbonbrown.gifanti-tobaccoribbonyellow.gifThyroid cancer survivor. With cat.gif& goldfish.gif & (Boxer)dog2.gif wishing 4 whale.gif&ribbonwhite.gifsigncirc1.gifselectivevax.gifdelayedvax.gif

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#7 of 57 Old 09-06-2007, 01:16 AM
 
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I can not imagine loving a man who was insistent upon doing that to an infant.

-Angela
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#8 of 57 Old 09-06-2007, 01:25 AM
 
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I had to say over my dead body will we circumcise. DH couldn't sign consent and is too scared of me take DS to have it done behind my back.

You have 2 choices. Refuse to give consent and let him deal with it or leave him.
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#9 of 57 Old 09-06-2007, 01:36 AM
 
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I have been in this situation. Sadly, I didn't think about it until we were 7/8m pregnant with our first. It was too late for us:. After first ds was born, I began to know more about it and of course became vehemently against it. Dh was still pro-circ when we were considering an addition to the family. I said to him that I would NOT have any more children with him unless he changed his mind. As soon as he was as adamantly against it as I am, we got pregnant. He's a very effective intactavist now, btw

You can always...

Quote:
Originally Posted by a_work_in_progress View Post
I'd ignore him, and just not circ. I'd let all healthcare professionals that worked with us know that circumcision was out of the question. That's it. End of discussion.
... sounds like a good plan to me.
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#10 of 57 Old 09-06-2007, 02:28 AM
 
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A year ago, I would have considered compromising on the issue with an SO who was extremely pro-circ...I didn't know much about circumcision then (obviously).

Now I've researched it and now that I've delivered and fallen in love with my baby boy, there is no way on earth I would give in to subjecting him or any other child I have to painful cosmetic surgery for the sole purpose of pleasing daddy. I couldn't bend on this issue, no way, no how.

I'm not sure as far as what would happen with SO. If I thought there was any hope of teaching him the truth, I would share the facts and realities behind my opinion with him. If he wasn't willing to bend AT ALL, I would be concerned about it. If he was insistent to cutting an innocent baby boy, I would wonder a little bit what other parenting philosophies we might clash on and if raising children together would really be the right thing for us. Moving on from him would be a possibility, but I can't say for sure not fully knowing your situation.

Good luck!
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#11 of 57 Old 09-06-2007, 03:09 AM
 
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I couldn't further a relationship with a man that believed that boys should be circ'd. That would be a no-brainer relationship killer. I couldn't be with a man that couldn't see the absurdity and human rights violation that circ is. I wouldn't take the chance of bringing a son into the world with a father that wanted to mutilate him if I knew this before I made the commitment.

Laura

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#12 of 57 Old 09-06-2007, 03:38 AM
 
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I would not have a child.

Mom of a 7 yr old, 4 yr old, and 1 yr old. Wow. How did that happen?
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#13 of 57 Old 09-06-2007, 03:41 AM
 
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My dh was pro-circ for at first, very adamently. We argued about it a lot, but he did say that he would NEVER make me do anything that was so adament about not wanting and that he would never go behind my back. So, even though we didn't agree I still knew that I didn't have to worry about him doing it behind my back. I think that this was a sign that my dh was a good man and a good husband. You have to be able to trust you partner and how could you trust a man that would go behind your back on something as important as this? Someone who would do something purposely that he knew would cause you anguish and tears is not someone I would further a relationship with.

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#14 of 57 Old 09-06-2007, 04:54 AM
 
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DH wanted to have DS circ'd (I realize this till we were making our pediatrician interveiw question list.) Obviously it was too late to decide not to have kids with him. I simply put my foot down and pointed out why we weren't going too. I would leave DH before letting him hurt DS.

Does SO have any reason behind being pro-circ? I would tell him to go look it up and to only come back if he found a real reason to circ. All of the reasons to circ can be very easily dismissed with logic.

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#15 of 57 Old 09-06-2007, 09:33 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tuhraycee View Post
He, of course, feels strongly in favor of circ-ing with no waivering in sight. I'm opposed to circ-ing and didn't circ with my first son from a previous relationship.

If SO/DH would not, did not, waiver on his feelings on circ-ing what would you do?
It sounds as if your SO is ignorant and completely uneducated about circumcision. Honestly, if he were there is no way he would allow it to happen to his son.

A LOT of women here have educated their husbands/SO...given them reading material so that they become educated and then can make a less emotional, more rational decision. Sad but most circumcised men automatically want to circumcise because that is in their comfort zone and that is all they know. They don't realize what was taken from them. Circumcision removes the most sensitive parts of the penis, and alters the mechanics of masturbation/intercourse for the rest of a man's life. Sadly, a man who is cut as a child will never know what it is like to have a fully functioning penis, and not know what he is missing.

But, if I had a partner, who I shared the information with...who read it and STILL wanted to have our son cut. Nope, I would NOT have children with them. Likely I would also leave the relationship completely. The disregard for scientific facts/as well as my feelings about keeping my son whole and perfect would be too much. An intact penis is the default. Every human being deserves the right to an intact body.

Perpetually breastfeeding or pregnant ENFP mom to a lot of kids...wife to a midwestern nice guy...living in tropical paradise...pink cats and homebirths rock!

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#16 of 57 Old 09-06-2007, 09:38 AM
 
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I would not have a child with him. And, since I would not be content to have no further children, I would leave him. Plus that kind of rigid insistence on RIC creeps me out.
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#17 of 57 Old 09-06-2007, 10:13 AM
 
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I would not have a child with him. If he was determined to cut I could not have a kid with him. I was with my husband for 4 years before we decided to have a kid together and I made sure we were on the same page with all the major stuff that is important to me; breastfeeding, circ, co-sleeping etc. If he had been determined to circumsize any sons we might have.... man, that might have really been a deal breaker.

It just seems like such an arbitrary thing to insist that a baby has to have this mutilation done to them. The benefits of not circ'ing are so clear and the drawbacks... ugh.
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#18 of 57 Old 09-06-2007, 10:38 AM
 
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I would try to educate him on it. Give him a lot of information. Penn & Teller + the men's health article to start with. Followed by more scientific stuff and then make his watch one of the circ videos. If that doesn't sway him I don't know what would. If he would still insist on circ'ing a child after all that then I don't know what else you could do.

I couldn't be with someone who would want to violate the fundamental human rights of an innocent child. To me it is the sign of a twisted bully. What else will he want to do - teach him to swim by throwing him in the pool, tell him to suck it up when he gets hurt instead of giving him a cuddle, kick the dogs when he has an accident on the floor, declaw the cat.... I could go on and on. It would be a dealbreaker to me because wanting to circ despite all the info against it implies a complete lack of empathy and ignorance that I know would transfer into other aspects of life.
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#19 of 57 Old 09-06-2007, 11:25 AM
 
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After using every means to my disposal to educate and change his mind if he was still insistant I would choose not to have children with him. I would probably end up leaving the realtionship as well.

Mamma to 3! nurslings Emma (4) Daniel (3) and our new baby Beth! 10/10/09
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#20 of 57 Old 09-06-2007, 11:31 AM
 
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Originally Posted by ~Megan~ View Post
I would not have a child.
:
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#21 of 57 Old 09-06-2007, 12:04 PM
 
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DH and I discussed this while dating. I hadn't done any research, but had a very visceral reaction to RIC and told him that I would never allow my son to be harmed in that way. He argued a little, but has since done a total 180 and is very much an intactivist. That said, I told him I would not be with someone who felt that RIC was okay.
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#22 of 57 Old 09-06-2007, 12:05 PM
 
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Originally Posted by alegna View Post
I can not imagine loving a man who was insistent upon doing that to an infant.

-Angela
:

natural birthin', baby catchin', cloth addicted, intactalactavist mama of 12/00, 6/03, 10/07, 8/10 & our angelcubs three
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#23 of 57 Old 09-06-2007, 12:39 PM
 
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I wouldn't have a child with him and it would make me question what kind of person I was with.

OUR DAUGHTERS ARE PROTECTED SHOULDN'T OUR SONS BE TOO! :
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#24 of 57 Old 09-06-2007, 12:47 PM
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Boy, what can be added??? PP have almost said it all.

But for my $.02, I would try to educate him. There was a post on here yesterday about the You Tube site of a documentary on circ'ing. It was powerful. Let him see it and then see what he says. Anyone who can watch that video and be "okay" has a problem.
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#25 of 57 Old 09-06-2007, 12:53 PM
 
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Lets think about it from a different angle, you have said child, it's a boy and he's circ'ed. How do you look at your partner now? How do you feel about him after you've consented to cut off part of your son's penis? You will be reminded of that circ every day, every diaper change....... It will never end, it will never be ok KWIM?

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#26 of 57 Old 09-06-2007, 12:54 PM
 
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I would not have a child with him.
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#27 of 57 Old 09-06-2007, 01:04 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MelKnee View Post
What would I do?

I would not be with a man or have a child with him if he wanted to mutilate a child.
yeah that.
I would definitely try to educate him first. I found, with my dp, that a small comment here and there (facts about circ) was enough to get him to change his mind. No big discussion, and I didn't wait to see if he disagreed with my comment or not. Just said it and moved on.

Now, this was after we had our ds circ'ed. I regret it all the time. I hate it. So I wasn't in the position that you are in. I let dp decide (because I didn't know what to believe at that point). But if I'd had a strong opinion to NOT circ, and dp refused to leave ds intact, I would have been pi$$ed. I would have been mad at his total lack of regard for the facts, for our newborn ds's comfort, for the complications that could arise in ds as an adult, etc. (yeah, I'm mad at myself for that stuff...).
AND I would have been pi$$ed about his lack of respect for me. Like a pp said, the one who doesn't want to do it wins until there's a mutually agreeable solution otherwise. (same in many other situations too)

And, like another pp said, if I had wanted to leave ds intact, and dp won and we circ'ed him, I would have resented him a LOT. As it is now, I don't blame him. He was just as uneducated as me. And I know that if I had said "no" that would have been it. He would not have argued it with me. But if I blamed him, that would be a LOT of stress on our relationship.

Becky, partner to Teague, SAHM to Keagan (7yo), Jonah (2yo)
 

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#28 of 57 Old 09-06-2007, 01:05 PM
 
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i would not have a child with someone who wanted him circ'ed.

Its one thing to compromise on a haircut, or on who you spend holidays with etc... but never on the excrutiatingly painful elective cosmetic surgery of a helpless newborn.

wife to my awesome DH, homeschooling, unassisted birthing, food growing, life loving mama to 5 crazy monkeys. :
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#29 of 57 Old 09-06-2007, 01:15 PM
 
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Would you even be having a conversation like this if it was a girl? No, and he should be reminded of that. (thank goodness we live here! - for that reason, anyway)

Give him the lit and if he still refuses, then either lose him or refuse consent.
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#30 of 57 Old 09-06-2007, 05:31 PM
 
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This might actually be a *good* time to use the "brothers should match" argument

I wouldn't have a child with him if I had tried to educate him and he still insisted on RIC. I want several children, so I would probably leave him in that case.

mama to two girls and due in November!
: Circumcision can never be undone :
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