How do I convince my best friend not to circ? - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 8 Old 07-23-2003, 06:48 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm going to send her lots of the links from threads here but when we discussed the issue on the phone the other night she was very defensive (I have no idea why, she has no children yet.) She insisted on naming all the babies and toddlers we know who are cut and pointing out that my son is the only uncut boy she knows (in CA of all places but a more conservative area than most) but insists that her desire to cut has nothing to do with fitting in or the proportion of circ/noncirc'd boys.

I'm going to have my (mild-mannered intactivist and happy to be uncut) DH talk to her (cut) DF tomorrow while they are working on our car if he finds a way to bring it up, because I think the chances of convincing him may be better.

I don't want to lose my oldest friend over this but I'd really cry my eyes out if she cut her child (although she does know enough to demand anesthesia and make certain it's used properly, which is better than nothing I guess.) I know she's open to changing her mind about parenting stuff because she's decided to CD after I gave her information, although her DF was a big part of that decision ("Is it cheaper?"

So I guess what I'm asking for is a pep talk of sorts because I'm still upset over the long phone conversation we had the other night. Other than giving her information and having my DH talk to her DF what can I do?

Thanks in advance for any advice!

PS She also thinks uncut boys neeed to be manually retracted, which is why she's never changed my DS unsupervised. I told her that's not true (and I'd know, as DS is 2 and has never had a health problem with his penis beyond a bit of diaper rash) but she doesn't believe me and really argued aout it. I'm sending the fleiss articles asap.
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#2 of 8 Old 07-23-2003, 07:53 PM
 
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nak

is she pg now? i'd step back a bit and let her cool off. unless she's due real soon, no need to convert her now and her defensiveness may make her mind close up even further. i feel that my argument with my bil made him all the more determined to circ (which they did, to their adopted ds and their bio. ds )

not that i blame myself; the subject started very mildly and he escalated it into anger, which i did not respond to... sigh.

thing is, if she's mad she won't want to hear anything on the subject...

i esp. like this non-confrontational pamphlet:

It's A Boy!
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#3 of 8 Old 07-23-2003, 09:50 PM
 
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I totally agree with the previous poster to step back and allow her to cool off. Her defensiveness is indicative of this topic being so foreign to her. Who knows, she may be bombarded by her family members urging her to do the circumcision. That's a tough act to follow. Don't give her too much information - this may very well push her further away and who knows if she'll even consider reading it.

It might be a good idea to look up anesthesia to see what her options are. Do the doctors at the hospital that are going to perform the circ adhere to using anesthesia properly? You could find out.

You could gift her with a couple of really cute cloth diapers along with a copy of the Paul Fleiss book? Is it "What Your Doctor May Not Tell You About Circumcision" ?

Your dh might offer to watch a video on circumcision with her DF.

(Hint : they might need beer ... )

Explaining to her how the foreskin is stuck to the penis like a fingernail because it's supposed to be may help her understand it doesn't need retraction and that ripping it from there would hurt the baby. She probably has misconceptions concerning smegma. Females also have smegma.

Tread gently. Baby steps.

And hugs to you for being such a good friend.
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#4 of 8 Old 07-23-2003, 10:39 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by AnitaAddict
I don't want to lose my oldest friend over this but I'd really cry my eyes out if she cut her child
Other than giving her information and having my DH talk to her DF what can I do?
How upset you are comes through in your post and I feel for you - as I totally agree that circumcision is a terrible thing. But ruining your friendship over it seems like two wrongs to me. I understand cry your eyes out for her poor ds (maybe she will only have daughter? or does she already know she is having a boy?) but give yourself some time to get past it and then do that. How would you feel if your oldest friend dropped you because you breastfed (or family bed or whatever) and she didn't agree with it? I am not trying to be less than helpful or supportive to you - I totally agree with your stance on circumcision - just not in losing your oldest friend.
Other than giving her information, there is nothing you can do. It is ultimately her choice. I hope she makes a good one.
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#5 of 8 Old 07-24-2003, 04:33 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm sorry if I gave a sense of urgency, she's still ttc and not even sure she's ovulating yet (1 year after last depo shot.) I'm just afraid that if I don't talk to her about it the only information she'll get will be from her friends who cut and from Kaiser (and the only thing worse than thier OB dept is thier Peds dept, IMNSHO.)

I'm absolutely willing to back off and reapproach the issue later, I can't handle that sort of drama on a regular basis anyhow.

The more I think about it the more I think the person to convince is her DF. He's an amputee, so if anyone would want to save a kid from unneeded surgery and dismemberment one would hope it would be him.
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#6 of 8 Old 07-24-2003, 11:19 AM
 
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I know where you're coming from, I stay up late in bed thinking about how to protect my SIL's next baby from the knife!

I am also one to jump in with both feet when I know the righteousness of my cause and I think it has the tendency to turn people off. My SIL's baby isn't due until Feb. and I know we're going to see her either at Thanksgiving or Christmas, and I think I'm going to give her the Fleiss articles and book and say, "I read these before I had ds and they really helped me understand why we shouldn't circ him to look like his daddy." End of story, unless she wants to discuss it more. I don't want to cause a huge rift in our family by pushing too hard.

I wonder whether in your friend's case she's stressing out about getting pregnant and your conversations on circing are stressing her even more because she is worried that she won't get pregnant at all, and here you are talking about some hypothetical baby that doesn't even exist yet. I would hold off until she's pregnant, and much farther along - the baby is moving, maybe she's had an ultrasound, the reality of this baby is there for her. Once her mama bear instincts kick in when she has a little baby inside her to protect, then bring it up again. If you bite your tongue and hold off now, and just support her on her TTC journey, then choose your moment of advocacy strategically, I will bet she will be much more receptive to your message.

I will bet you are right about the person to convince being her DP. But again, maybe wait a little while until the stress of TTC has paid off!

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#7 of 8 Old 07-24-2003, 01:02 PM
 
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I wish I had an aunt who pushed too hard. I wish I had an aunt who pushed at all.




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#8 of 8 Old 07-24-2003, 04:11 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by Frankly Speaking
I wish I had an aunt who pushed too hard. I wish I had an aunt who pushed at all.
I'm going to do my best! I promise! Unfortunately my circed dh is not supportive on this one. I have tried and tried to get him to see how bad circing is but he's in total denial. Wonder why. : If I push too hard I will piss off not only his entire family, none of whom see anything wrong with circing, but dh as well.

But I'm going to do my best!

Come visit the NEW QuirkyBaby website -- earn QB Bucks rewards points for purchases, reviews, referrals, and more! Free US shipping on great brands of baby slings and carriers and FREE BabyLegs or babywearing mirror on orders of $100+. Take the QB Quiz for personalized advice!

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