Why WOULDN'T a man want to restore??? - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 81 Old 11-20-2007, 06:35 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I've wondered about this often, and dh doesn't seem to have any better response than, "cuz what's done is done, and it would seem stupid to walk around with tape on my penis."

I didn't have to convince him about circ being a bad idea if we have a son.
He often backs me up with facts about health and sensitivity when debating with pro-circ friends.
He seems to be quite open and educated, however doesn't seem to lament lacking his own.
I have often mentioned that if I were a cut man, I would DEFINITELY be P.O.'d and would restore.

I personally LIKE the looks and feel of an uncut penis, I KNOW it would make MY sex life better (not be so brutal on me) and I know he would be a lot more sensitive. (he knows it too)

What exactly stops him? Laziness? Embarrassment?
Any ideas on encouraging restoration in an otherwise educated man? He won't give me what I think of as a "good" excuse... just that "it's dumb".

Different drummer dancing with 3 kids in 3 decades.
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#2 of 81 Old 11-20-2007, 06:39 PM
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It's his penis. It's been that way for the vast majority of his life and the entirety of his adult sexual experience. Restoring is a big project, and an even bigger project if he's basically satisfied with how he looks and feels.

Maybe there's a way the two of you could improve your sex life without changing either of your bodies.
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#3 of 81 Old 11-20-2007, 06:46 PM
 
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I certainly understand why a cut man might not want to restore. It's a huge endeavor for something that can never be fully restored.

I don't knock those who do restore, in fact I applaud their determination and courage. But I also understand why a cut man would just want to leave it alone.
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#4 of 81 Old 11-20-2007, 07:12 PM
 
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I'm a cut man and can't imagine not restoring. Its made everything about sex so much better. Sure, its not perfect and its not the real thing, but its a huge improvement.

I guess I could understand if a guy is really loosely cut and doesn't see the problems that 1970s "cut off the entire foreskin + 10%" guys see, but still, the effect of having the glans coverage is well worth it.
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#5 of 81 Old 11-20-2007, 07:25 PM
 
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I know for my own husband, he's pretty happy with sex and he has concerns about the time commitment, possible discomfort, the possible embarrassment if it's worn during the day, what if he doesn't like it or it doesn't look natural, etc. Ultimately he has to be convinced that the benefits outweigh the risks. Every circumcision causes damage but the extend of the circumcision and amount of damage varies...so I think the motivation to research/undertake restoration is high for some and low for others.

Just as I believe that no healthy healthy should be circed against his will, I also believe that no circumcised man should be pressured into restoration; his body, his choice.

Jen
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#6 of 81 Old 11-20-2007, 07:28 PM
 
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I guess it's a "his body, his choice" thing. He's been messed about with, he's used to what he's got, he can't (or doesn't want to) see anything wrong with his own penis, why go to all that effort to change something he's used to and ok with? The fact that things could be better don't worry some people, especially if you're one of the lucky ones that don't really have any sexual problems at the moment.

I'm not a man, but I can imagine thinking something along those lines.
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#7 of 81 Old 11-20-2007, 08:34 PM
 
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He also might not be ready to fully admit what was taken from him. It's a hard thing to wrap your mind around for anyone. For a man that had it done as an infant it's got to be really, really rough. My dh knows all the reasons not to circ and will point them out. He even thinks that the idea is insane, but to admit that there could be more for him or something could be wrong is miles beyond that thought. While I think it would be nice it's not something I would ever even bring up with him beyond commenting that some men do it. It's just too raw of a subject even decades after the original damage was done.

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#8 of 81 Old 11-20-2007, 10:07 PM
 
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Originally Posted by salt_phoenix View Post
I've wondered about this often, and dh doesn't seem to have any better response than, "cuz what's done is done, and it would seem stupid to walk around with tape on my penis."

I didn't have to convince him about circ being a bad idea if we have a son.
He often backs me up with facts about health and sensitivity when debating with pro-circ friends.
He seems to be quite open and educated, however doesn't seem to lament lacking his own.
I have often mentioned that if I were a cut man, I would DEFINITELY be P.O.'d and would restore.

I personally LIKE the looks and feel of an uncut penis, I KNOW it would make MY sex life better (not be so brutal on me) and I know he would be a lot more sensitive. (he knows it too)

What exactly stops him? Laziness? Embarrassment?
Any ideas on encouraging restoration in an otherwise educated man? He won't give me what I think of as a "good" excuse... just that "it's dumb".

I am a circed male. I myself have no desire to restore because like a previous poster said it is a big project and I guess I am used to it this way though I wonder what it would have been like not being cut at all and if I had a son he would have been intact. I would never marry a girl who was obcessed with circing.

As for sexual sensativity there are several areas of my body that I find more sensative than the glans. I do not know if it is the brain making up for the lost tissue by creating an alternate area.
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#9 of 81 Old 11-20-2007, 10:27 PM
 
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I have found that it is impossible to explain to a guy that restoration could possibly improve his sex life. I myself was not convinced that it would improve anything in a signficant way. And i could not see that getting to climax was slowly becoming harder and harder. Its like watching a child grow, you do not see the change, but out of town relatives are amazed.

But now that i am partially restored, I have found that it really is an amazing difference. And increased sensitivity of the glans is small potatoes. The big difference is from the extra skin moving. Now way to explain it, but that is what makes all the difference! To both me and my wife.

So, you can lead a horse to water...

It is a long tedious and not so easy to figure out process. Takes committment and perserverance. If sex is great right now, why bother? Especially in a society like ours. So let him go at his speed. If it happens, let it be because he is engaged and wants to do it for himself. If he never reaches that point, shrug.

If he or anyone else wants to send me a pm, to discuss it more, feel free.

Regards
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#10 of 81 Old 11-20-2007, 10:52 PM
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It's his penis. It's been that way for the vast majority of his life and the entirety of his adult sexual experience. Restoring is a big project, and an even bigger project if he's basically satisfied with how he looks and feels.
:

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#11 of 81 Old 11-20-2007, 11:56 PM
 
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DH read this and said "too lazy," chuckled, and walked out.

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#12 of 81 Old 11-21-2007, 12:19 AM
 
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It's a huge PITA undertaking. I can easily understand why a guy wouldn't want to.

-Angela
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#13 of 81 Old 11-21-2007, 12:32 AM
 
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Too much work; the actual act can be uncomfortable; sex doesn't suck without a foreskin even if it would be better with; there's value to accepting yourself just the way you are even if that's not "perfect".

Who would want to hear from their partner that they're not good enough, especially when it's from something that was done TO them that they didn't have any control over? "Hey, Suzy, I know your parents fed you junk and gave you a complex about exercise and food that you've spent a lifetime coping with, but I just don't want to have sex with you until you lose 50 pounds. Really, it'd be better for both of us." That may not be what you intend to say, but might be how you're heard.

Love your partner. Love that he's an intactivist. Let him have some control over his body, control that he was denied as an infant.

If you really want it done, let him know about the idea, that you'd like to help, and that you'll support him in whatever he choses, even if it's to not restore. Then actually support him and accept him, whatever his choice is.

My 2c.
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#14 of 81 Old 11-21-2007, 12:34 AM
 
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I have found that it is impossible to explain to a guy that restoration could possibly improve his sex life. I myself was not convinced that it would improve anything in a signficant way. And i could not see that getting to climax was slowly becoming harder and harder. Its like watching a child grow, you do not see the change, but out of town relatives are amazed.

But now that i am partially restored, I have found that it really is an amazing difference. And increased sensitivity of the glans is small potatoes. The big difference is from the extra skin moving. Now way to explain it, but that is what makes all the difference! To both me and my wife.

So, you can lead a horse to water...
I think that hit the nail on the head, and DH here completely doubted it would make a differernce as well. He started just to "please me" and because he said it made sense to him that it would eliminate the need for extra lube, etc.

So, he started not expecting anything really and was really surprised!

Perpetually breastfeeding or pregnant ENFP mom to a lot of kids...wife to a midwestern nice guy...living in tropical paradise...pink cats and homebirths rock!

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#15 of 81 Old 11-21-2007, 12:47 AM
 
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I had never known, until this board, that foreskin restoration existed. It does seem like a fairly intense undertaking. So, I could see why men would not be eager to do it. Especially since they've lived with their circumcised penis for all of their lives. Plus, I've found that men tend to be a little "funny" when it comes to messing with that area.

I also had never heard of the female sexual difficulties because of it until this board. So, I asked my partner about it - he's circumcised, but thinks it's barbaric and wouldn't do it to his (potential) son.

My partner's response was that he'd try it only if we actually had problems with the way it is now. And had exhausted every other option, and had proven that more foreskin would solve them. So, I guess that would be a "no" from him.

He says he's lived with it like this since day 1, and doesn't see the need to change it. He's happy with it. He said it's brought him a lot of pleasure throughout all these years, so he really has no complaints.

Plus, he's a cyclist. Bikes 50 - 70 miles a day. Does races ... he doesn't want anything to interfere with that.

I'm trying to place myself in a man's shoes ... like if I had a penis, would I go through restoration? I don't know, honestly. It would depend on my partner, probably, than on anything else.
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#16 of 81 Old 11-21-2007, 01:20 AM
 
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#17 of 81 Old 11-21-2007, 05:08 AM
 
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Too much work; the actual act can be uncomfortable; sex doesn't suck without a foreskin even if it would be better with; there's value to accepting yourself just the way you are even if that's not "perfect".

Who would want to hear from their partner that they're not good enough, especially when it's from something that was done TO them that they didn't have any control over? "Hey, Suzy, I know your parents fed you junk and gave you a complex about exercise and food that you've spent a lifetime coping with, but I just don't want to have sex with you until you lose 50 pounds. Really, it'd be better for both of us." That may not be what you intend to say, but might be how you're heard.

Love your partner. Love that he's an intactivist. Let him have some control over his body, control that he was denied as an infant.

If you really want it done, let him know about the idea, that you'd like to help, and that you'll support him in whatever he choses, even if it's to not restore. Then actually support him and accept him, whatever his choice is.

My 2c.
:

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#18 of 81 Old 11-21-2007, 09:44 AM
 
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I restored because I felt so naked with my glans exposed. I also wanted to look like my father. It was something few of my associates had (they were all circumcised).

During restoration I had to deal with issues like -- taking longer in the rest room to 'untape and re-tape'. Going to the gym -- uh, what would the guys say? Or do I have to untape prior to gym and then re-tape later. etc. But it was worth it to me.

D
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#19 of 81 Old 11-21-2007, 07:36 PM
 
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I don't know

I am married to a circumcised man. He is anti circ and we have left our sons intact.

I have had intact and cut partners and there is no doubt that intact feels better. Circed feels like being violated by a blunt object.

DP has told me he is willing to restore. I showed him a bunch of sites with tips, instructions, testimonies, things to buy, etc. He still has never taken that first step.

He knows how much I coil from every sexual advance, and he knows why. It just hurts. But he still, knowing all this, the fact I would be more likely to want to have sex, he still hasn't started. I have no idea
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#20 of 81 Old 11-21-2007, 09:18 PM
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I am married to a happily circumsized man who is also onboard with us not circumsizing our baby, due next month (we know it's a boy.) I think he would see a restoration as unnecessary, painful and risky as a circumcision, and thus would not choose the former for himself or the latter for our child.
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#21 of 81 Old 11-21-2007, 09:36 PM
 
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I guess the suggestion that he might WANT to restore is more bizarre, to me. (I do not mean that offensively... )

having another surgical procedure to "undo" an unauthorized surgical procedure is defeating it's own purpose, right?? I'm sure the prospect of anyone coming near his genitals with sharp instruments and the promise of a recovery period holds very little appeal.
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#22 of 81 Old 11-21-2007, 09:39 PM
 
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Its like watching a child grow, you do not see the change, but out of town relatives are amazed.
Sorry, I know you're just comparing the progress with restoring to the changes in growing children, but I couldn't help picturing showing your restoration progress to the out of town relatives "Wow, look at that glans coverage! That's really changed since last summer!"

Sorry. juvenile humor.

on topic, anyway, my husband doesn't want to go around with contraptions taped to his dick for months on end. Thinks it was barbaric and stupid that he was cut as a baby, but what's done is done and that's what he's got. Kind of like not all women who have a mastectomy have reconstructive surgery to restore the breast.

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#23 of 81 Old 11-21-2007, 10:18 PM
 
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I guess the suggestion that he might WANT to restore is more bizarre, to me. (I do not mean that offensively... )

having another surgical procedure to "undo" an unauthorized surgical procedure is defeating it's own purpose, right?? I'm sure the prospect of anyone coming near his genitals with sharp instruments and the promise of a recovery period holds very little appeal.
Just FYI, restoration can be a totally DIY deal, no sharp instruments or surgeries required.


I like the mastectomy comparison. Thanks for that!
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#24 of 81 Old 11-21-2007, 11:31 PM
 
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I guess the suggestion that he might WANT to restore is more bizarre, to me. (I do not mean that offensively... )

having another surgical procedure to "undo" an unauthorized surgical procedure is defeating it's own purpose, right?? I'm sure the prospect of anyone coming near his genitals with sharp instruments and the promise of a recovery period holds very little appeal.
Surgery is NOT an effective way to resore.

Restoration is by tensioning the skin to promote cell diviison and growth. It can be a simple as pulling on your foreskin. But a LOT of skin was taken away form us, so it takes a long time to grow it back. Even longer if you only do it occassionally.

If your happy as you are, stay that way. When i found out about restoration, something inside compelled me to do it. That should be the reason for restoring. It takes patience and committment. Hard to do if you are ambivalent about it.

Regards
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#25 of 81 Old 11-23-2007, 12:40 PM
 
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I don't know

I am married to a circumcised man. He is anti circ and we have left our sons intact.

I have had intact and cut partners and there is no doubt that intact feels better. Circed feels like being violated by a blunt object.

DP has told me he is willing to restore. I showed him a bunch of sites with tips, instructions, testimonies, things to buy, etc. He still has never taken that first step.

He knows how much I coil from every sexual advance, and he knows why. It just hurts. But he still, knowing all this, the fact I would be more likely to want to have sex, he still hasn't started. I have no idea
Orangebird, if sex with your husband feels like a violation to you, I feel like more foreskin might not solve it. Feeling violated is just such a huge emotional thing that if seems odd to me that you attribute it entirely to the circumcision, and not to other factors. It seems to me that that particular feeling, and the responses you describe to sexual advances, might leave both you and your partner in paralyzing amounts of emotional pain. If that's really how you feel about sex with your partner, I feel like both of you need help, and foreskin restoration isn't gonna do the job all by itself.
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#26 of 81 Old 11-23-2007, 01:59 PM
 
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Orangebird, if sex with your husband feels like a violation to you, I feel like more foreskin might not solve it. Feeling violated is just such a huge emotional thing that if seems odd to me that you attribute it entirely to the circumcision, and not to other factors. It seems to me that that particular feeling, and the responses you describe to sexual advances, might leave both you and your partner in paralyzing amounts of emotional pain. If that's really how you feel about sex with your partner, I feel like both of you need help, and foreskin restoration isn't gonna do the job all by itself.
You don't understand. If every time you have sex you end up in pain, you DO recoil at the idea, and if he goes ahead anyway (and you give in because, you know, you love him and feel guilty at the idea of rejecting him) you DO feel violated, because he is causing you PAIN and doesn't seem to care as long as his needs are fulfilled. This is very unlikely to be happening if he wasn't circumcised and could make love the way he is supposed to, the pain causes the recoiling, it's a learned reaction.

And yes, the emotional pain is huge. THANK YOU MIL. :
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#27 of 81 Old 11-23-2007, 02:33 PM
 
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I'm sorry, I don't want to step one anyone's toes ... but, I feel that a partner who goes ahead ANYWAY, knowing that you're in pain ... is a problem in and of itself. Sex is mutual, and going ahead while a partner is in pain is wrong on so many levels. I would feel violated then too. That would also be the last time I had sex with my partner. Seriously. It would also be, quite possibly, the end of our relationship if he continued to not understand that 1. sex is mutual, 2. together, we need to work out a way of having sex without pain. I don't necessarily think restoration is the only option to number 2. I'm sure it can be. But, I'm also sure there are others. While, yes, they make take more work, consideration, and a re-learning of certain behaviours for the man ... but, honestly, I would hope that would be preferable to inflicting pain one one's partner.

I'm really sorry anyone has to go through something like that. It's just not right.
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#28 of 81 Old 11-23-2007, 04:23 PM
 
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You don't understand. If every time you have sex you end up in pain, you DO recoil at the idea, and if he goes ahead anyway (and you give in because, you know, you love him and feel guilty at the idea of rejecting him) you DO feel violated, because he is causing you PAIN and doesn't seem to care as long as his needs are fulfilled. This is very unlikely to be happening if he wasn't circumcised and could make love the way he is supposed to, the pain causes the recoiling, it's a learned reaction.

And yes, the emotional pain is huge. THANK YOU MIL. :
It makes perfect sense to me that, if sex always resulted in pain for you, you would recoil at the idea. I understand that.

But if my partner was causing me pain and didn't seem to care, so long as his sexual needs were met, I don't understand why I would look at the situation and determine that foreskin restoration was the solution. That's a huge relationship problem you've described there. Gigantic. Awesomely painful. Way more complicated than the geography of his penis.

There is no one way that guys are supposed to make love, because all women are different. If what he's doing doesn't work for you, and you can't convince him to try to alter his technique so that sex feels better for you, then foreskin restoration sounds to me like it's going to take him from a lousy lover with a circumcised penis to a lousy lover with restored foreskin.

Foreskin makes sex different, but it sure doesn't guarantee that sex will be good. Some uncut guys are delightful. Some aren't. There's a lot of variation in the human species, and sex is (in my experience) not about the genitalia, but about the people who have them.
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#29 of 81 Old 11-23-2007, 06:56 PM
 
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It makes perfect sense to me that, if sex always resulted in pain for you, you would recoil at the idea. I understand that.

But if my partner was causing me pain and didn't seem to care, so long as his sexual needs were met, I don't understand why I would look at the situation and determine that foreskin restoration was the solution. That's a huge relationship problem you've described there. Gigantic. Awesomely painful. Way more complicated than the geography of his penis.

There is no one way that guys are supposed to make love, because all women are different. If what he's doing doesn't work for you, and you can't convince him to try to alter his technique so that sex feels better for you, then foreskin restoration sounds to me like it's going to take him from a lousy lover with a circumcised penis to a lousy lover with restored foreskin.

Foreskin makes sex different, but it sure doesn't guarantee that sex will be good. Some uncut guys are delightful. Some aren't. There's a lot of variation in the human species, and sex is (in my experience) not about the genitalia, but about the people who have them.
No, you've completely missed the point again. Sex with circumcised men is different than with intact men, there is tremendous friction with a circ'd man (and sometimes with an intact man with a condom on, as that also ruins the gliding action of the foreskin), that just isn't there with an intact man. It doesn't seem to be possible for circ'd men to "change their technique" if they need to pound hard to get anywhere. It's just not going to happen, because they don't have the equipment necessary to do it i.e. a sensitive glans covered by a foreskin which also acts as a roller bearing to prevent friction.

If your sex life is great with a circ'd penis, that's fine - be interesting to see if you say the same thing in 30 years time when the effects are greater on both of you.

Of course not all intact men are going to be great lovers, but they've got all their equipment and a bad intact lover isn't going to be anywhere near as painful as a bad circ'd one.

There's a reason why there are so many women in the US with "female sexual dysfunction", and most of it is not their fault at all. It's about time that someone did a proper research project on it - but of course that would mean stopping the cutting, and there's too much money in that, so it won't happen,
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#30 of 81 Old 11-23-2007, 07:00 PM
 
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they like to think their penises are perfect. It's kind of like kicking a man in the balls to tell him he should restore.
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