My Son's exsistance (and intact status) makes me feel weird about my husband's circ'd status... - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 51 Old 02-28-2008, 02:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My husband was completely on board with not circ'ing once I explained thoroughly that it's unnecessary and all that... But now, dealing with my son's diapers daily and all that, just makes his penis the obvious normal... which makes my husband's look weird... and it kinda makes me sad. Anyone else feel this way? Any tips on how to get past this? I've been having a hard time feeling comfortable doing intimate things we used to do because I end up thinking about how his penis was mutilated. :cry:

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#2 of 51 Old 02-28-2008, 02:32 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Juvysen View Post
My husband was completely on board with not circ'ing once I explained thoroughly that it's unnecessary and all that... But now, dealing with my son's diapers daily and all that, just makes his penis the obvious normal... which makes my husband's look weird... and it kinda makes me sad. Anyone else feel this way? Any tips on how to get past this? I've been having a hard time feeling comfortable doing intimate things we used to do because I end up thinking about how his penis was mutilated. :cry:


You know, if you think about it too much, it can really kill the mood and your ability to enjoy things. I know, I've been there. You have to find a way to concentrate on him, the love that you are feeling for him and making him feel good. Try to frame it in that way so that you don't focus on a body part. I know sometimes there will be moments when you feel that way. In particular, if you know all the structures of the foreskin and what was removed/missing that can make it tough especially when looking at it upclose.



It is tough sometimes reading the threads about how circumcision negatively impacts sex...even though I'm actually responsible for authoring a few threads like that here on MDC I'm still very emotional when it comes to that at times.


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#3 of 51 Old 02-28-2008, 03:02 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks. Now that I'm all sorts of informed on the evils of circ... it's not so easy to just let go

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#4 of 51 Old 02-28-2008, 03:16 PM
 
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I have definatly BTDT it has gotten easier put it out of my mind as time goes by. But it always makes me sad and angry to see his very promanant scar and the skin bridge he was left with. I have brought up restoring to him in the past but he isnt willing to put in the time to do it He feels that he has been this way for 40yrs and he is to old to worry about it now

 
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#5 of 51 Old 02-28-2008, 03:19 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Yeah, my husband thinks that way, too... and feels sort of hurt that I said something...

I've heard that as you get older, though, menopause and all, it can be helpful to make sex more comfortable through dryness issues and such... I wish he'd just do it now so we don't have to talk about it then, but he doesn't seem to like that idea. I guess I can't blame him... his favorite body part was fundamentally changed w/out his permission and he's grown up with (become attached to... hehe) it that way.

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#6 of 51 Old 02-28-2008, 03:27 PM
 
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Sometimes I feel so sad for my dp. It doesn't interfere with my desire to be intimate, but sometimes I think about him as a newborn infant and his Mother sitting in her hospital room smoking a cigarette and reading a magazine while her son was being physically tortured. And I didn't think I could like her any less than I already did.

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#7 of 51 Old 02-28-2008, 04:18 PM
 
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I think this feeling is pretty common.
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#8 of 51 Old 02-28-2008, 04:26 PM
 
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I feel this way sometimes too. I have to just stop thinking about it. It makes my DH feel bad too, which is not what I want. I'm afraid that maybe he thinks it's his fault somehow that sex is potentially less enjoyable than if he were intact, but I know it's my fault that he thinks that. He's also got the most extreme type of circ, which makes non-surgical restoration impossible. That makes me especially sad.

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#9 of 51 Old 02-28-2008, 10:03 PM
 
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I feel the same. I don't want to feel that my DH has "something wrong" with him but you can't miss the scar. I guess he was relatively lucky in that he seems to have a frenulum and a lot of "play" in the skin (ie loose circ). Even though he feels the same as I do and he wishes it hadn't been done to him, no way would he restore (he's 53). As he put it, "there are a lot of things my parents did that they had no right to do." And that's true (besides, his parents did it for religious reasons - no way would they have not circ'd, it also being 1954 US). And even though sex is great now, I still wonder, ykwim? Never been with an intact man, never even knew one. (Until I found out my own father is intact!! That's another story - and yes, I did grow up with both parents)
It's one of the things I wonder about movie stars too, esp. foreign born. I'm just so aware of "it" now.
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#10 of 51 Old 02-28-2008, 10:11 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Juvysen View Post
Thanks. Now that I'm all sorts of informed on the evils of circ... it's not so easy to just let go
It isn't easy, and I don't think I'll ever just be able to "let it go", but rather I think this knowledge has sort of become just a new aspect of our reality.

I mean, you do what you can, but I think it's like any *traumatic* or *negative* life emotions. You just sort of encorporate them after a while. Not that you will ever be in a place where you're OK with it...that's doubtful, but there will some times when it is better and you won't think about it to the same extent.

I don't know how else to put it.

I'm a very non-cosmetic, non-materialistic type person, and for me in particular I was very spiritual and particular about intimacy as the ultimate experience between a man and a woman. It hurts on such a very raw level that I'll likely never experience that full potential that man and woman are meant to have, especially because it's something I value so much. I don't know how to put it into words, but I'm sure that other women out there have some of the same feelings. Nobody had the right to rob my husband nor myself of what was rightfully ours.

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#11 of 51 Old 02-29-2008, 04:01 AM
 
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He's also got the most extreme type of circ, which makes non-surgical restoration impossible.
Which type is that?
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#12 of 51 Old 02-29-2008, 04:42 AM
 
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CI-1 See the Foreskin Coverage Index (includes photos of adult circ'd penises)

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#13 of 51 Old 02-29-2008, 08:27 AM
 
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I feel this way sometimes too. I have to just stop thinking about it. It makes my DH feel bad too, which is not what I want. I'm afraid that maybe he thinks it's his fault somehow that sex is potentially less enjoyable than if he were intact, but I know it's my fault that he thinks that. He's also got the most extreme type of circ, which makes non-surgical restoration impossible. That makes me especially sad.
I have never heard of a circ that is too tight to restore in 7 years of researching as I restore. Maybe you and he need more information about restoring? Maybe he is not ready to commit? Now that is a show stopper.

Feel free to pm me if you or he wish. But my guess is he can do it when he is ready.

Regards
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#14 of 51 Old 02-29-2008, 12:39 PM
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Originally Posted by Juvysen View Post
My Son's exsistance (and intact status) makes me feel weird about my husband's circ'd status...
same here. plus exsistance of my ex-husband and all my ex-boyfriends, all were intact.
my poor dh
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#15 of 51 Old 02-29-2008, 12:42 PM
 
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I have never heard of a circ that is too tight to restore in 7 years of researching as I restore. Maybe you and he need more information about restoring? Maybe he is not ready to commit? Now that is a show stopper.
:

Actually, many of the restorers I've talked to started off at CI-1. They're the ones most likely to suffer problems from circumcision, and as such are the most motivated. Also, they're the ones who seem to notice dramatic changes in sensitivity and general comfort early on in the restoration process.
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#16 of 51 Old 02-29-2008, 12:49 PM
 
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I have never heard of a circ that is too tight to restore in 7 years of researching as I restore. Maybe you and he need more information about restoring? Maybe he is not ready to commit? Now that is a show stopper.

Feel free to pm me if you or he wish. But my guess is he can do it when he is ready.

Regards
I read it on a website awhile back, the same time I found the foreskin coverage index, but now I can't remember where. It was my understanding and not something he looked into. There is no skin loose for stretching, so I'm not sure I understand how it would work.

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You seem to be judging (maybe 'mourning for' is a better word) your husband for something he had no control over at the time. Why did you marry him in the first place? Why didn't you tell him you couldn't marry him because he was cric'd? Those are meant to be retorical, as you married him for reasons that go beyond circ. Do you still have those feelings for him? I say honor the sad feelings you have but put them in a priority level as far as how you often you feel about it. If you are going to try restoration do so, if not, I think you need to try to put this behind you, to the best of your ability, so you don't continue on a path of resentment for your DH or for his family's decision years ago that neither of you could control. It's not fair for your husband to feel inadequate or feel ashamed and you have a part in helping him know that he is more about being circ'd or not.

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#18 of 51 Old 02-29-2008, 01:21 PM
 
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You seem to be judging (maybe 'mourning for' is a better word) your husband for something he had no control over at the time. Why did you marry him in the first place? Why didn't you tell him you couldn't marry him because he was cric'd? Those are meant to be retorical, as you married him for reasons that go beyond circ. Do you still have those feelings for him? I say honor the sad feelings you have but put them in a priority level as far as how you often you feel about it. If you are going to try restoration do so, if not, I think you need to try to put this behind you, to the best of your ability, so you don't continue on a path of resentment for your DH or for his family's decision years ago that neither of you could control. It's not fair for your husband to feel inadequate or feel ashamed and you have a part in helping him know that he is more about being circ'd or not.
This seems like quite a leap from what the Op was discussing. She discusses being sad and overthinking his circ, but I doubt that it would seriously lead to a path of resentment.

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#19 of 51 Old 02-29-2008, 01:38 PM
 
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I don't think it's that far from what the OP was saying, though reading back through I took into account more of the comments left by other people vs just the OP.

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Originally Posted by Juvysen View Post
My husband was completely on board with not circ'ing once I explained thoroughly that it's unnecessary and all that... But now, dealing with my son's diapers daily and all that, just makes his penis the obvious normal... which makes my husband's look weird... and it kinda makes me sad. Anyone else feel this way? Any tips on how to get past this? I've been having a hard time feeling comfortable doing intimate things we used to do because I end up thinking about how his penis was mutilated. :cry:
The last sentence could lead to feelings of resentment and assuming being intimate is important to the couple, then this has the potential to put a wedge between them.

As far as what the OP shouuld do, I guess I'm fairly blunt about it as I do feel that you acknowledge what is and either work to correct it or find a way to move on. I don't say that in as uncaring of a way as it sounds, I just think that it's important to focus on what is loved about the DH and try to focus less on physical properties.

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#20 of 51 Old 02-29-2008, 01:48 PM
 
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I looked at that last sentence too and I guess assumed that she didn't really want to feel this way and still loved her husband. I imagined that it was more a feeling of sadness about the circ, but that it was somewhat separate from her feelings for her husband, just that it was occupying her brain and interrupting intimacy. I assumed this because that's how it was for me.

There were a few days where I was really upset about the circ not that long ago, but it wasn't really about my husband and thus couldn't likely result in resentment towards him.

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#21 of 51 Old 02-29-2008, 02:14 PM
 
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I read it on a website awhile back, the same time I found the foreskin coverage index, but now I can't remember where. It was my understanding and not something he looked into. There is no skin loose for stretching, so I'm not sure I understand how it would work.
Hey many not have any skin left for a device, or taping, but he can do manual so that he can slowly start to gain skin movement and then have loose skin.

You can PM me if you want more info as well.

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#22 of 51 Old 02-29-2008, 02:17 PM
 
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I looked at that last sentence too and I guess assumed that she didn't really want to feel this way and still loved her husband. I imagined that it was more a feeling of sadness about the circ, but that it was somewhat separate from her feelings for her husband, just that it was occupying her brain and interrupting intimacy. I assumed this because that's how it was for me.

There were a few days where I was really upset about the circ not that long ago, but it wasn't really about my husband and thus couldn't likely result in resentment towards him.

:

I think she put it really well.

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#23 of 51 Old 02-29-2008, 02:20 PM
 
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I have never heard of a circ that is too tight to restore in 7 years of researching as I restore.

I'll agree with that. Men who have extremely tight circumcisons have successfully restored. These are men who have had up to 1.5" of their erection held inside their pubic mound and men who have actually had the skin on their penis split from the tension.

.
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#24 of 51 Old 02-29-2008, 02:25 PM
 
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Originally Posted by annakiss View Post
I read it on a website awhile back, the same time I found the foreskin coverage index, but now I can't remember where. It was my understanding and not something he looked into. There is no skin loose for stretching, so I'm not sure I understand how it would work.

This was my case and I successfully restored. My skin sleeve was so short that an erection would pull the coronal groove almost flat, my meatus would stand open and my entire penis would take on a whitish color similar to pressing on a fingernail probably from the blood vessels collapsing under the tension.

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#25 of 51 Old 02-29-2008, 04:07 PM
 
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I feel the same way. He doesn't wish to restore, so I just try not to think about it too much. But sometimes it's really hard to look at and not have angry and sad feelings.

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#26 of 51 Old 02-29-2008, 04:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm certainly not resenting him for it. It's not his fault! And as long as I don't look at it during sex it's no big deal, but oral stuff is difficult for me to do anymore because I end up thinking about the scar and stuff (because he has a fairly tight circ and it's obvious). It's just not that easy to "ignore it and move on" or whatever. It's not really interrupting our sex life, in general, though - the kids are a MUCH bigger interruption. And I don't turn him down because it bothers me or anything like that, but it *does* enter my mind sometimes and that makes me uncomfortable and sad.

I wish he would restore, but he's not interested.

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#27 of 51 Old 02-29-2008, 05:38 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Juvysen View Post
My husband was completely on board with not circ'ing once I explained thoroughly that it's unnecessary and all that... But now, dealing with my son's diapers daily and all that, just makes his penis the obvious normal... which makes my husband's look weird... and it kinda makes me sad. Anyone else feel this way? Any tips on how to get past this? I've been having a hard time feeling comfortable doing intimate things we used to do because I end up thinking about how his penis was mutilated. :cry:

I know what you mean. I feel so lucky that my dh has a natural penis. All the other penises I've ever seen have been circ'd. Of course we left our son's penis uncut. I feel so thankful everyday that both my guys are whole. I know it would bother me if my dh were circ'd.
Even though I know my dh and I will be together forever sometimes I wonder what would happen if I was ever single again. I think I would have to ask my date if he had a natural or circ'd penis on the first date

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#28 of 51 Old 02-29-2008, 05:58 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Juvysen View Post
My husband was completely on board with not circ'ing once I explained thoroughly that it's unnecessary and all that... But now, dealing with my son's diapers daily and all that, just makes his penis the obvious normal... which makes my husband's look weird... and it kinda makes me sad. Anyone else feel this way? Any tips on how to get past this? I've been having a hard time feeling comfortable doing intimate things we used to do because I end up thinking about how his penis was mutilated. :cry:
WOW, all I can say to OP is that I literally could have written the same exact post, i haven't read the other comments yet, but am about to now...

me, dh and 2 boys = our family (oh and a cat...who is also a male...lol)
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#29 of 51 Old 02-29-2008, 09:02 PM
 
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That is what happened to me too. After DS was born and we would have sex, the awful realization that my DH had to go through that as a baby stayed on my mind...I told my DH I felt bad he had to go though that. He said he didn't remember it, but still. I think it programs males to become more violent as they grow up. He can get a bad temper..wooh.... Plus just because someone doesn't remember something doesn't make it 'ok', otherwise those sicko dentists that molest their patients when they are under anesthesia would not have problems when they get found out.

Circ doesn't work! Stop the violence of circumcison. Had another UP/UC/HB in August!
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#30 of 51 Old 02-29-2008, 10:47 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Lorette View Post

I know what you mean. I feel so lucky that my dh has a natural penis. All the other penises I've ever seen have been circ'd. Of course we left our son's penis uncut. I feel so thankful everyday that both my guys are whole. I know it would bother me if my dh were circ'd.
Even though I know my dh and I will be together forever sometimes I wonder what would happen if I was ever single again. I think I would have to ask my date if he had a natural or circ'd penis on the first date

Lorette
I feel lucky too, my dh is intact....i think i would feel just like the OP if dh weren't. I know my dad is so happy we decided not to circ ds, he is really upset that circumcision is a choice not made by the person it affects most
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