Not coping well with larger family - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
Old 11-20-2008, 12:51 PM - Thread Starter
 
Mrs-Mama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Newport News, VA
Posts: 2,491
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
I'm embarrassed to write this, but I'm not coping well with our larger family. I love DD, but it's bringing out the worst in DS. I find myself not liking him right now : How can a mother not like her child? What's the matter with me? Everything is a battle with him right now, and none of our usual "tricks" (redirecting, etc) are working. I actually spanked him this morning for the first time. I feel terrible about it and I know I shouldn't have done it, but I was at the end of my rope.

No one's sleeping well at night. DS gets up 1-3 times a night, and it never coincides with when I'm up with DD anyway. Last night he came in our room the very second that I turned the light back off from feeding her. And, DD is spitting up like crazy (will post in BFing) so it takes 20 minutes to feed her and then 45-60 minutes to deal with spit-up, changing clothes, etc. During the day, it never fails that DD wakes up when DS goes down for his nap.

DH is working long hours right now, which can't be helped, but it leaves me here all day exhausted and taking care of the children.

It will get better, right?

Wife to J, SAHM to W (03/06) ribboncesarean.gif at 32w4d, C (10/08) ribboncesarean.gif, and H (02/11) ribboncesarean.gif

Mrs-Mama is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 11-20-2008, 02:00 PM
 
Katielady's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Living in a van down by the river
Posts: 2,016
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Aw mama. It will get better! I've heard it's very hard to make the transition, but it smooths out eventually. I know that's not much consolation for how tough things are right now, but just take it one day at a time. Can you get some babysitting time? I find that when I get super frustrated with DS (and I definitely feel like I don't like him at times, and I don't even have a newborn yet), the best cure is just a little time away from him. If a sitter or a friend could take him to the library or something for a few hours, I bet it would do you a world of good.

SAHM to 6.5yo DS and 4yo DD. PCOS with two early m/cs. Married 8 yrs. Certified birth doula, writer, editor.

Some stuff I like: hbac.gifteapot2.GIFeat.gifnocirc.gifbftoddler.giffemalesling.GIFcrochetsmilie.gif read.gifcat.gif

Katielady is offline  
Old 11-20-2008, 02:40 PM
 
alleybcat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Just south of Boston, MA
Posts: 367
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Oh my goodness, I soooo feel you. My son (2.5 years) is just a nightmare right now. Even though I intellectually understand what is happening, I am going crazy.

I actually suggested to my husband that I need psyciatric help this morning because of my dramatic shift in feelings towards my older son. He looks huge to me too. Freakishly huge.

I feel so guilty all the time, but I just am feeling so cheating from my bonding time with the baby. I am so angry that I have to protect the baby from my son, too.
alleybcat is offline  
Old 11-20-2008, 02:46 PM
 
andi-mama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: The island, BC
Posts: 616
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I felt much like you in the first two weeks after DS2 was born. I would just sit and cry because I couldn't stand DS1, and why was he being like this, and what on earth had I done to him?! As crazy as it sounds, it got better after DH went back to work and I was able to figure out my own schedule and way of dealing with the two of them.

It will get better, mama. I promise!

Mama to DS R (June/06), DD K (September/07), DS M (October/08), DD R (June/09)... waiting for #5 in late 2013!!

andi-mama is offline  
Old 11-20-2008, 03:41 PM
 
E's Mama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: here, I think...
Posts: 165
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Similar trouble here, too. I had some trouble with DS 1 acting out and felt like he should know better (He is 7)! I try to include him in whatever I am doing with the baby now and he participates for about a minute before getting bored. We have arranged for special time for DS1 and DH when he gets home from work and that has improved DSs behavior. I miss the time we used to have together.
I hope you find peace and time for everyone. It has to get better!
E's Mama is offline  
Old 11-20-2008, 04:05 PM
 
KindRedSpirit's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: in a cascade of embraces
Posts: 1,784
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
You really sound SO overwhelmed!Some things that have helped us are-rescue remedy for mom and child.Away time-even 20 min can work wonders!Sometimes this is a "nap ride" where child is safe in a seat strap and mom can turn up the radio....Or a nap walk with child in a stroller strapped in place,and not face to face...Another thing that was ESSENTIAL with our oldest son transitioning was for him to have one on one dad time.HE needed that.I could not be present.

As far as the spitting up- our last LO did the same, and it turned out it was dairy.Just a thought.Good luck!And

:::
KindRedSpirit is offline  
Old 11-20-2008, 09:57 PM
 
OkiMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 5,391
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
We are having adjustment problems over here as well. DD1 wants to "help" a little to much so one of us have to be holding the baby all the time. If we put her down for even a second DD1 runs over and tries to pick her up. It only causes a problem if we are trying to cook, clean or bath. DD1 has also decided that she has to nurse whenever the baby does and gets really mad if I don't nurse her. Once she even pulled the baby off of me because I wouldn't nurse her (Im not good with nursing two at once, I tried, DD1 is just way to big).

~Heather~ Mama to Miss E (1/07), Miss A (11/08), Mr.T (2/11) and Miss A (10/12) Expecting our newest blessing sometime late Sept/early Oct.. Wife to my Marine since 11/2005
OkiMom is offline  
Old 11-20-2008, 11:32 PM
 
natalieadw's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Chicago Burbs
Posts: 397
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mrs-Mama View Post
I'm embarrassed to write this, but I'm not coping well with our larger family. I love DD, but it's bringing out the worst in DS. I find myself not liking him right now : How can a mother not like her child? What's the matter with me? Everything is a battle with him right now, and none of our usual "tricks" (redirecting, etc) are working. I actually spanked him this morning for the first time. I feel terrible about it and I know I shouldn't have done it, but I was at the end of my rope.

No one's sleeping well at night. DS gets up 1-3 times a night, and it never coincides with when I'm up with DD anyway. Last night he came in our room the very second that I turned the light back off from feeding her. And, DD is spitting up like crazy (will post in BFing) so it takes 20 minutes to feed her and then 45-60 minutes to deal with spit-up, changing clothes, etc. During the day, it never fails that DD wakes up when DS goes down for his nap.

DH is working long hours right now, which can't be helped, but it leaves me here all day exhausted and taking care of the children.

It will get better, right?

nakking I'm totally in the same boat!! My firstborn has been battle mode for two weeks now!!! PM me if you ever want to comiserate or vent

~Natalie~
LLL Leader, IBCLC, marathoner, mom of 2 (maybe 3 one day!)

natalieadw is offline  
Old 11-20-2008, 11:34 PM
 
natalieadw's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Chicago Burbs
Posts: 397
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by alleybcat View Post
Oh my goodness, I soooo feel you. My son (2.5 years) is just a nightmare right now. Even though I intellectually understand what is happening, I am going crazy.

I actually suggested to my husband that I need psyciatric help this morning because of my dramatic shift in feelings towards my older son. He looks huge to me too. Freakishly huge.

I feel so guilty all the time, but I just am feeling so cheating from my bonding time with the baby. I am so angry that I have to protect the baby from my son, too.
OK so I posted before reading everyones replies! ITA with this too!!!!! As miserable as life is right now, I'm glad I am not alone

~Natalie~
LLL Leader, IBCLC, marathoner, mom of 2 (maybe 3 one day!)

natalieadw is offline  
Old 11-20-2008, 11:51 PM
 
Bella Catalina's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: L.A.
Posts: 1,614
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I logged on to post this exact same thing... last night was horrible for me--I finally admitted it to myself, and I feel terrible, but I didn't want to post it for fear of being judged. I know they say it's a hard transition... and everyone asks how will you love both of them... but no one tells you that while your heart grows and it's easy to love your newborn, it can be a struggle to like your older child!

DS1 is 2.5 and while I understand why he is acting out, I feel so guilty. He's testing me constantly and DS2 is going through a growth spurt so I usually have him attached to the boob which means I can't get up and deal with DS1... I have to protect the baby from him and tell him to go away and to get out of the baby's face all the time... he just wants to touch him and love on him, but he's often not gentle and bothers him while he's feeding or trying to sleep. It's driving me insane, but I don't want him to start resenting the baby. DH is home, but this week he's started working again, and it's just getting worse. There's no way for me to get into a routine with him home, because I can't figure it out on my own.

Mine is spitting up and projectile vomiting, too, which makes for an extra load of laundry every day by the time I'm ready for bed. Not fun. I have been wondering if it's due to the dairy, too.

I think it's time I defrost that placenta and stick it in the oven....

write@home mama to big boy (04-06) and little boy (10-08)
and someone new in november stork-suprise.gif

Bella Catalina is offline  
Old 11-21-2008, 12:00 AM
 
natalieadw's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Chicago Burbs
Posts: 397
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bella Catalina View Post
I logged on to post this exact same thing... last night was horrible for me--I finally admitted it to myself, and I feel terrible, but I didn't want to post it for fear of being judged. I know they say it's a hard transition... and everyone asks how will you love both of them... but no one tells you that while your heart grows and it's easy to love your newborn, it can be a struggle to like your older child!

DS1 is 2.5 and while I understand why he is acting out, I feel so guilty. He's testing me constantly and DS2 is going through a growth spurt so I usually have him attached to the boob which means I can't get up and deal with DS1... I have to protect the baby from him and tell him to go away and to get out of the baby's face all the time... he just wants to touch him and love on him, but he's often not gentle and bothers him while he's feeding or trying to sleep. It's driving me insane, but I don't want him to start resenting the baby. DH is home, but this week he's started working again, and it's just getting worse. There's no way for me to get into a routine with him home, because I can't figure it out on my own.

Mine is spitting up and projectile vomiting, too, which makes for an extra load of laundry every day by the time I'm ready for bed. Not fun. I have been wondering if it's due to the dairy, too.

I think it's time I defrost that placenta and stick it in the oven....
as you know you and I have kids nearly exactly the same age...so huge (((hus))) for you too

~Natalie~
LLL Leader, IBCLC, marathoner, mom of 2 (maybe 3 one day!)

natalieadw is offline  
Old 11-21-2008, 12:10 AM
 
PassionateWriter's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 3,662
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
my 2 youngest are basically the same age. ds4 was born Oct. 17 08 and ds3 1-1-06...

all i can say is im pretty much in the same boat...but it does get easier.

this is DP's first week back to work and i have been trying to get out of the house every day this week (and we have...may not have been for long but it was OUT). it would be much easier if ds4 didnt HATE the car...but we still go. If i stay home, ds3 goes crazy..its like someone gave him a bowl full of sugar or something.

im hoping some other more seasoned moms will have more advice. although this is ds3 and ds4, my first 3 were so far apart i didnt deal with these issuees. im learning a whole new ball game! lol!
PassionateWriter is offline  
Old 11-21-2008, 12:14 AM
 
mochimama's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Colorado Mountains
Posts: 1,040
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
We are dealing with the same thing here with 2.5 yo dd1. She is screaming at this exact minute for no apparent reason. Can't wait til time passes and all of this is resolved.
Okimom--also dealing with the nursing thing--she wants to nurse a lot more than I do and she seems GIGANTIC! I can do both at once, but I'm not liking nursing dd1 very much.
Good luck with all of you dealing with the same things. At least we are not alone! Maybe we need a support thread for those with 2.5 yo dcs!
mochimama is offline  
Old 11-21-2008, 11:02 AM
 
PassionateWriter's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 3,662
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
there is a great pix in Adventures in Tandem Nursing that has a pix of a mom coming home from the hospital to a home w/ a toddler who was bigger than teh house. I felt exactly like that! lol!

at 5 weeks tandem nursing has gotten a lot better...we have imposed some limits (wait for a few minutes, eat solid food first, etc. etc.).
PassionateWriter is offline  
Old 11-22-2008, 10:17 PM
 
AugustineM's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Whidbey Island, WA
Posts: 3,123
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
OP, I think this is a very very common sentiment -- to have difficulty giving the same kind of attention to your firstborn when a baby comes along. I definitely felt the same way after my second was born... and it was really hard for me for a few months. That was also when I spanked my son once or twice and still feel absolutely horrible about it, because it is not what I believe at all. Also, I had a disappointing birth experience and had some PPD and that makes everything harder.

This time, I have a four year old, a 2.5 year old and the baby and it is hard but it is a bit easier than when I only had my two year old and then my second was born. Probably partially because the older two keep each other pretty good company, so the 2.5 year old isn't constantly wanting ME all the time. But I she is doing some of the same acting up type things, and has totally regressed in potty training. She's now back in diapers, actually! So there are things that are frustrating me more than usual with her especially. My four year old, things are pretty much fine with him.

The thing i find the hardest is that I want to spend all day fawning at the baby and loving on her and nursing her, etc. Like, ALL day! But obviously I can't because I need to pay attention to my other kids and go about our daily lives. That is hard for me, and whenever I get the chance I am lovin' on the baby... I think it's just the mother-baby bonding that's happening and I don't feel too guilty about it (just a little!) .

Things do get a LOT easier!! By about 6 mo. I felt somewhat normal about my two kids, and by a year things were great because they started to kind of play together and you see that sibling bond. It's cool!

Mama to 3 kids. We live in a yurt!
AugustineM is offline  
Old 11-23-2008, 01:17 AM - Thread Starter
 
Mrs-Mama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Newport News, VA
Posts: 2,491
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Thanks for the encouraging words, everyone. It's nice to hear that I'm not the only one feeling like this, and it's even nicer to hear that it gets better.

I've been enjoying the "little" things/interactions between DS and DD. DS always wants to hold DD's hand. He's really very sweet with her. The other morning DD was laying on the floor on a play-mat and started to fuss a little bit. DS layed down beside her and she stopped fussing momentarily...I figured she was responding to his presence, like she knew her big brother was there. And, another morning, they were laying side by side when DD was starting to get hungry. Well, DS's forehead was right there, so she was obviously trying to latch onto him, but it looked like she was giving him kisses .

The spitting up seems to be a little better today. I talked to an LC and she thinks I have an over-active letdown, so I've been doing a few things to try to fix that.

Wife to J, SAHM to W (03/06) ribboncesarean.gif at 32w4d, C (10/08) ribboncesarean.gif, and H (02/11) ribboncesarean.gif

Mrs-Mama is offline  
 
User Tag List

Thread Tools


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off