Struggling a little... - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 17 Old 07-18-2008, 01:02 AM - Thread Starter
 
Bella Catalina's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: L.A.
Posts: 1,633
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
So most of you know from my siggy that we lost our little girl in January. I'd be 36 weeks on Saturday, which was when DS arrived, and I've been thinking about it more and more the past few weeks. Tonight another mama that I shared Bailee's EDD with had her twin girls, and as thrilled as I am for her, I am so sad for me. I feel a little guilty, because if we were expecting Bailee now we wouldn't have this babe. I thought I was going to be okay on her due date, I really did, but I'm already a mess with 4 weeks to go. I have so much to be grateful for, I know that. Guess I'd like to hear how you other mamas who have been through this dealt with passing due dates.

write@home mama to big boy (04-06) and little boy (10-08)
and someone new in november stork-suprise.gif

Bella Catalina is offline  
#2 of 17 Old 07-18-2008, 01:13 AM
 
OkiMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 5,407
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Its hard, I still think about the babies I lost. DD was suppose to be a twin and on her birthday I couldn't help but think about her twin. It was especially hard because I miscarried the day before so it was fresh in my mind. The other two babies I lost would both have had due dates in the beginning of September and Im almost dreading it. Its really sad for me to think about. When my firsts due date came up I was pregnant with DD and I still cried 90% of the day. I dont' see it as a bad thing per say, the babies I lost are just as much a part of me as my DD and the one Im carrying now. No matter how many children I have part of me will always long for the ones I was never able to hold. I do take comfort in the knowledge that one day I will be able to hold and love them, they were just too good for this world..

Im sorry you are having such a hard time. If you would like to talk more please message me. I totally understand where you are coming from even if I cant understand what you are going through (I personally don't think anyone can "understand" what someone else is going through since everyone reacts to situations differently).

~Heather~ Mama to Miss E (1/07), Miss A (11/08), Mr.T (2/11) and Miss A (10/12) Expecting our newest blessing sometime late Sept/early Oct.. Wife to my Marine since 11/2005
OkiMom is offline  
#3 of 17 Old 07-18-2008, 02:26 AM
 
two bricks shy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Austin, Tx
Posts: 332
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Momma, I can't claim to know exactly what you are going through...but you are in my thoughts. My mom had a loss about 3 months before I came along and I know that my sibling (whom I have always felt was a brother) has always held a dear place in her heart.

Bailee will always be your baby.
two bricks shy is offline  
#4 of 17 Old 07-18-2008, 07:17 AM
 
~Jenna~'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 1,902
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I don't think it takes away anything from the baby you are carrying now to be sad for Bailee.
~Jenna~ is offline  
#5 of 17 Old 07-18-2008, 08:17 AM
 
hislittlelambs's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: USAF living in England
Posts: 247
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
What you are feeling is completly normal,don't allow yourself guilt for it. When the duedate of our Isaiah came and went, I was about 7 months pregnant with my now 18 month old...as much as i loved the little boy growing within, I still missed my first son. Missing Isaiah didn't take away from Joey, and loving Joey didn't "shortchange" Isaiah. It is okay. (coincidently, I had a dear friend go into labor and have her son onmy Isaiah's duedate. It was an emotional mix of happyfor her, yet stillmourning for me, DESPITE that i was pregnant and expecting another healthy child at that exact sametime....they are each seperate children, and seperate reasons for the emotions felt behind each one. No one else can understand exactly what you are juggling in your head and your heart, but no one can AT ALL fault you for it- including yourself! it IS okay...all of it...it IS okay. You deserve the same grace you would give another mama going thru it too.)

P.s.
I still think of Isaiah often...especially on his old duedate, as well as on the date he left us. Even though I know if we'd kept him, my Joey wouldn't be here. It doesn't mean i don't love Joey, or that I love him any less, It just means I loved Isaiah too.
hislittlelambs is offline  
#6 of 17 Old 07-18-2008, 08:17 AM
 
Katielady's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Living in a van down by the river
Posts: 2,048
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


I felt the same way on the due date for the pregnancy I lost. The baby would have been born in May. Like you I was surprised to be so sad about it, since I'm lucky enough to be pregnant again. But they are two separate pregnancies, and it makes sense to mourn for the one that was lost.

I have a friend whose baby was born right when mine was supposed to have been. I still get a little twinge of sadness for my own lost pregnancy when I see him. It's normal.

Hope you're feeling better soon, and allow yourself to feel everything you need to!

SAHM to 6.5yo DS and 4yo DD. PCOS with two early m/cs. Married 8 yrs. Certified birth doula, writer, editor.

Some stuff I like: hbac.gifteapot2.GIFeat.gifnocirc.gifbftoddler.giffemalesling.GIFcrochetsmilie.gif read.gifcat.gif

Katielady is offline  
#7 of 17 Old 07-18-2008, 09:10 AM
 
buckysprplmonkey's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 604
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I had a termination when I was 18 and I still remember the exact date. I always had trouble on the date that it happened (July 9th) and around the time of year I would have been due (February 1998).
I know it's a slightly different set of feelings when it's a termination vs natural loss (I spent a very long time buried in guilt over it), but either way, it's ok, important and normal to mourn. It doesn't mean you love the new baby(ies) any less. It doesn't mean they are a "replacement" or any of the other feelings that can come up. It just means that you love all your children.
And if you are dealing with it now and really mourning the loss of a child, it means that you are on the road to healing/peace with the loss.
It was on the 11th anniversary of my loss that we were in the conference with the docs trying desperately to figure out how to save Levi's life and later that day I realized that the loss of that baby 11 years ago was important to fueling my fire to save this baby. (Not saying I wasn't a bonehead when I was 18, just that God's found a way to use that now in my life.) I feel like Levi and that baby (who I always thought was a Jonathon) are really tied together somehow- Levi was conceived the month that would have been his older sibling's 10th birthday.
HUGS and love, sweetie. It's ok to be sad. It's unhealthy not to be sad in a situation like yours. It's just all in how you handle it and venting/crying/talking it out with friends like you're doing it here is a wonderful way to deal.
buckysprplmonkey is offline  
#8 of 17 Old 07-18-2008, 09:26 AM
 
mochimama's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Colorado Mountains
Posts: 1,040
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Just here to offer a
mochimama is offline  
#9 of 17 Old 07-18-2008, 09:36 AM
 
hannybanany's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 1,911
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I know how you feel. Bailee is your child as much as your living children are, and there is no reason to feel guilty for mourning her loss. For an entire month before my miscarried babies' due dates I felt a terrible sadness, whether I was pregnant again or not. Honor your feelings

mama to two sweet girls love.gif 8/05, fairy.gif 11/08, a handsome little guy babyboy.gif 4/11, and expecting another 5/13
always missing our angel1.gif (11/04, 4/07, 8/07, 5/10)
hannybanany is offline  
#10 of 17 Old 07-18-2008, 11:23 AM
 
MaryLang's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Michigan
Posts: 2,638
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)
I've been feeling the same way lately. I think we were both due around the same time with our losses in Jan. due in Aug. This is the first time I've been pregnant through a prior babies due date (it took years to conceive after my first losses) , it is very strange. I think its ok to still be mourning, and it was very refreshing to see this thread, because its something I dare not utter IRL, no one would understand.
I'm sorry your going through this.

hearts.gifhearts.gifhearts.gifhearts.gifhearts.gif A house full of girls, but for dad and one brother bikenew.gif
"Be careful how you speak to your children. One day it will become their inner voice." ~ Peggy O' Mara
Cloth diapering, babywearing and co-sleeping has been a way of life for almost a decade now partners.gif
MaryLang is offline  
#11 of 17 Old 07-18-2008, 12:52 PM
 
darkblue0729's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: On a cloud of dreams in the Woods
Posts: 1,036
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Mama...I am so sorry to hear that your heart is aching right now. When I miscarried with Henry in October, I felt like my world had ended in a way. I then felt incredibly selfish because I have a beautiful daughter. I was pregnant with DD#2 who is due this November when Henry's due date went by, and, yes...there was a mixture of absolutely heart-wrenching sadness, coupled with a feeling that I am incredibly blessed to be pregnant again and all seems to be going well. In my opinion there is nothing wrong or unusual about a mother mourning the loss of a child...in fact it means that you are a wonderful, sensitive mother. Your sense of loss and your sadness don't subtract love from the child you are carrying, they just honor the child you lost. Hang in there mama! *hugs*

Kellylady.gif, married to the love of my life, Denpeace.gif , DD1 5/07dust.gif , 11/07, DD2 10/08modifiedartist.gif , DDS 8/10jammin.gif, expecting our next blessing this winter!

 
darkblue0729 is offline  
#12 of 17 Old 07-18-2008, 02:08 PM
 
andi-mama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: The island, BC
Posts: 621
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I don't think the pain ever goes away, but it gets less searing. I had a late term miscarriage four years ago and still miss her daily, but it's a more peaceful ache (if that makes any sense).

Mama to DS R (June/06), DD K (September/07), DS M (October/08), DD R (June/09)... waiting for #5 in late 2013!!

andi-mama is offline  
#13 of 17 Old 07-18-2008, 03:18 PM
 
BBMcGee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern SD
Posts: 146
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
((((((((hugs)))))))))
BBMcGee is offline  
#14 of 17 Old 07-18-2008, 11:01 PM
 
slinginhipmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Webster NY
Posts: 814
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Tara--mama to Riley (9/01) Nolan (4/04) and Finnegan (11/08). Unschooling Rocks!!!
slinginhipmama is offline  
#15 of 17 Old 07-19-2008, 03:03 AM - Thread Starter
 
Bella Catalina's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: L.A.
Posts: 1,633
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Thank you mamas. So nice to know some of you understand when DH doesn't.

write@home mama to big boy (04-06) and little boy (10-08)
and someone new in november stork-suprise.gif

Bella Catalina is offline  
#16 of 17 Old 07-19-2008, 09:34 AM
 
goodheartedmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Lexington, KY
Posts: 1,742
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
goodheartedmama is offline  
#17 of 17 Old 07-19-2008, 12:33 PM
 
KindRedSpirit's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: in a cascade of embraces
Posts: 1,788
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Big hugs, mamma.Our baby would have been due over the 4 th of this month.I'm letting myself mourn and be joyful at the same time.It has been VERY hard.I have enjoyed seeing and hearing of the other births in that DDC.Also, when I need a safe place, I visit the one day at a time thread in the birth loss forum or the PAL ( pregnancy after loss.) thread.They help smooth it out a little.And sometimes ya just need a safe place to vent.

:::
KindRedSpirit is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off