ILs are already pushing boundaries, DH isn't helping - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 12 Old 10-26-2008, 01:55 PM - Thread Starter
 
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From the very beginning, I told DH that I wanted at least one week, but preferably 10 days alone with him and the baby after the birth before we started receiving visitors. He wasn't completely supportive at first but after a long discussion about it and after speaking to my midwife (who recommended at least a week-long babymoon), he seemed to come around and said he would tell his family and I could tell mine. This is how I prefer to do things anyway so I thought everything was worked out.

My parents are coming to visit for a week about four weeks after my EDD. This gives me the desired time alone with our baby even if I go to 42+ weeks of pregnancy.

His parents just informed us that they would be arriving for a visit at the beginning of my week 43. Since my MW said she would let me go to 42.5 weeks before talking about a medical induction, this is completely unacceptable.

I gently reminded DH of my dates this morning and he reacted...poorly. Got very defensive, yelled and swore, and kept double- and triple-checking the calendar, insisting that I'm wrong about my dates. As if I wouldn't know my own due dates and what my midwife has told me! :

I showed him that he was wrong and he said, "Fine, fine, I was going to take care of it, I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT, STOP TALKING ABOUT IT!" and things went very downhill from there. This drives me nuts because my MIL, with whom I thought I had a fairly close relationship, knows better. DH said that she must have been assuming I would have the baby on my EDD and no later than that, but this is a woman who's had two children. Am I wrong in thinking she should know how few women go into labor on their due date? She can be overbearing at times (even told us to call her as soon as I go into labor so she can "breathe with us"--which is not going to happen), so I suspect there's more to it than a simple misunderstanding.

I love my ILs and of course my DH but he just stormed out of the house in a rage and I feel like I'm the only person protecting my nest right now. I've been sitting here crying for the last 15 minutes and I hate that we're already fighting in front of the baby. The worst part is I don't even get along with my parents and thought I'd have trouble setting firm boundaries with them, but so far they've cooperated wonderfully and have been understanding, if a little grumbly. Why am I having to stress about not only DH, but my beloved ILs as well?

It's hard enough setting boundaries with DH's support, but without it...is he really going to make me be the bad guy with his parents? He insists he will tell them and I know he will, but I really hope this isn't a preview of how things will be from now on (i.e. MIL pushes a boundary, I have to remind DH to deal with it, he gets defensive and angry at me, grudgingly enforces the boundary, and nobody's happy).

Thanks for letting me vent. I'm probably overreacting and I'm definitely hormonal right now but I feel like I shouldn't have to deal with this, when I'm already so vulnerable. What happened to my protector DH? I hate this stupid drama.

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When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty. --George Bernard Shaw

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#2 of 12 Old 10-26-2008, 02:51 PM
 
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#3 of 12 Old 10-26-2008, 03:24 PM
 
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You're not overreacting. It's your space and you need to protect it, mama. Unfortunately, even the most well-intentioned DH's often don't "get it" at this point.

write@home mama to big boy (04-06) and little boy (10-08)
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#4 of 12 Old 10-26-2008, 05:34 PM
 
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I agree with Bella. It is so hard. Families get so excited to see a newborn and they forget all about mama and her needs.

My Il's are on a cruise and won't be back until Nov. 4th. And they live 5-6 hours from here. I am hoping my babe will come soon so I have some time without them. Thankfully, they will only stay one night. My mom is here, not sure how long after baby comes that she will stay. Maybe it will keep the il's away. When I was pg with DD, my mil said to let them know when to come, she wanted to respect our space. But, when we called to announce dd's birth, she wanted to come right away, which was about a week later. I had no defenses at the time, I gave birth, ended up having a d&c and lost a lot of blood. I just let them come, but wished it was longer. I really needed to hold my baby.

I hope it all works out. You never know how you will feel after you give birth.

Mindfully parenting DD 8/04 & DS 11/08, Human beings are the only mammals who do not nurse their offspring to full term.
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#5 of 12 Old 10-26-2008, 05:44 PM
 
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aww, I'm sorry your having to go through this. But you are right to fight your ground. It is soo important to have that special time just after the baby is born for just you and DH.

My mum had an awful experience when i was born with both sets of grandparents coming to stay to 'help'. She didn't have the guts to say no and she said it was so awful... she said she even locked herself in the bathroom with me justy to hve alone time with her baby. I knwo that she probably experienced an extreme side to babymoon gate crashers, but it is definitely worth standing up for yourself. With my little sister she said straight out that no one could come to stay for the first 2 weeks or so and everyone was pretty upset, but she said it was really worth it! and of course all the upset was forgotton soon enough

Soooo definitely stand up for yourself. your DH is probably jsut not thrilled with having to deal with his mum.. but it'll be ok. He's probably a bit stressed out too right now thinking about it all.. don't worry.. everything will be totally fine, and he'll be fine with it too. Don't worry!! Even though your DH doesn't realise it yet you're fighting for him too and he'll thank you7 for it later

good luck!!

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#6 of 12 Old 10-26-2008, 08:57 PM
 
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I'm so sorry you are dealing with this right now!

Can you approach this situation from one of love? Say to them,"You know how much I love you, and enjoy our visits. It's important to me to get the most out of our visit, and the first 2 weeks or so I'll be working really hard to learn my babie's cues and how to breast feed. I would really enjoy your company *around this date*, and baby will be starting to be more awake and less sleepy, so I'll bet you would enjoy your stay more, too."

My DH gets defensive about his mother because she's a horrible woman and he's always wanted her to be more of a mom (his step-mom is WONDERFUL). Maybe something about the situation is pushing your husbands buttons somehow.

Anyhow, I really hope you work it out. You deserve to have the time you need to heal before company comes.

"Listen, are you breathing just a little and calling it a life?"~Mary Oliver

RT knitting mama  to 3 (& 8 who didn't make it) wife working on 13 years to a silly man who drives me crazy.
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#7 of 12 Old 10-26-2008, 09:01 PM
 
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Originally Posted by coyotemist View Post
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this right now!

Can you approach this situation from one of love? Say to them,"You know how much I love you, and enjoy our visits. It's important to me to get the most out of our visit, and the first 2 weeks or so I'll be working really hard to learn my babie's cues and how to breast feed. I would really enjoy your company *around this date*, and baby will be starting to be more awake and less sleepy, so I'll bet you would enjoy your stay more, too."
This sounds like excellent advice.

Wife to a wonderful dh and mom to four beautiful kiddos, dd (3/04):, ds1 (1/06), ds2 (10/08), and ds3 (7/10)
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#8 of 12 Old 10-26-2008, 09:27 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you so much for the kind words and support, mamas! DH came home looking very sheepish and apologized for being such an ass. He called his parents to talk and let them know that their scheduled visit simply wouldn't work for us. His mother tried to argue but he said it was non-negotiable.

I feel much, much better knowing that I have his full support. He admitted that he blew up earlier because he felt like I was nagging him. I may have been, a little bit, but I'm secretly glad I did.

Anyway it's all settled and I can rest easy knowing that no one will come to see us before we're ready. What a relief.

Thanks again--the support here is so awesome. <3

Loving wife partners.gif and mama to my sweet little son coolshine.gif (Fall 2008) and a beautiful baby girl babyf.gif(Fall 2010)

 

When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty. --George Bernard Shaw

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#9 of 12 Old 10-26-2008, 09:29 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by coyotemist View Post
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this right now!

Can you approach this situation from one of love? Say to them,"You know how much I love you, and enjoy our visits. It's important to me to get the most out of our visit, and the first 2 weeks or so I'll be working really hard to learn my babie's cues and how to breast feed. I would really enjoy your company *around this date*, and baby will be starting to be more awake and less sleepy, so I'll bet you would enjoy your stay more, too."
:

I hope that the universe sends you some much needed serenity mama! I hope all works out well.

Kellylady.gif, married to the love of my life, Denpeace.gif , DD1 5/07dust.gif , 11/07, DD2 10/08modifiedartist.gif , DDS 8/10jammin.gif, expecting our next blessing this winter!

 
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#10 of 12 Old 10-26-2008, 10:22 PM
 
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Inlaws can be pushy without even knowing it.. With DD, my MIL wanted to fly out on my due date so she could be there when I had the baby. She was pushy with DH but as soon as I talked to her she understood. I simply explained that I wanted some time alone with DH and my new baby, even thought I loved her she needed to wait until a month or so after my due date. She seemed to take it better from me than my husband and actually remembered back to having her oldest (my DH) and how she wished that her family would have stayed away longer and given them time together. It had been so long since she had a newborn she had almost forgotten how it was and how important those first few weeks actually are.

I hope everything works out and try not to stress out about it..

~Heather~ Mama to Miss E (1/07), Miss A (11/08), Mr.T (2/11) and Miss A (10/12) Expecting our newest blessing sometime late Sept/early Oct.. Wife to my Marine since 11/2005
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#11 of 12 Old 10-26-2008, 10:26 PM
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Reading your two posts, my guess is that your MIL, as sweet as she may be, may really be the one "nagging" your dh. But it's easier for dh to let it out on you since he sees you face to face. And it sounds like this is your first? So your dh may also be going through some intense emotions right now, a lot of apprehension and trepidation.
It sounds like though, that everything worked out. And probably other things will arise, and also once people start visiting, other situations will come about... but just remember: you know best and your mama instincts are always right!
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#12 of 12 Old 10-27-2008, 09:44 AM
 
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glad everything worked out. tension in the house this late in the game sucks. i've noticed even the littlest things could linger so it's great dh did take care of it. you don't want to be worried about that when you're laboring.

Liz, wife to John, mom to Dylan and my giant slug zocha :
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