How to deal with unsupportive/uneducated family and friends - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 48 Old 04-07-2009, 04:04 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hello, I'm fairly new to this forum and glad to find some other parents who agree with me on this subject.

I am having a hard time with my SIL who seems to think she knows everything. We got into a little argument the other day because she says I "shouldn't judge parents who vaccinate since the kids can't go to school without them". For one, I don't care what other parents do and two they can go to school without them.

This all started when I mentioned to my mom who is also not supportive, that when my DS had roseola the dr told us he got it "because he is not vaccinated". To my knowledge, there is not vaccine for roseola and there is also no treatment for it. Correct?

Anyway, since my decision was origonally based my intuition (we went to get the 2 month shot and I started crying uncontrollably for an extended peroid of time) I feel they think I'm crazy and I can't make them respect my decision.
What ways have you found effective in dealing with those who do not support you?

Thanks!
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#2 of 48 Old 04-07-2009, 04:28 PM
 
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Don't tell them.

Every baptized Christian is, or should be, someone with an actual (disturbing) experience, ... a close encounter, with God; someone who, as a result, becomes a disturbing presence to others. - Fr. Anthony J. Gittins, A Presence That Disturbs
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#3 of 48 Old 04-07-2009, 04:33 PM
 
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First of all any doctor that says a child gets roseola because they are not vaxed is not a doctor Id want to see! No vax and no treatment other than common sense (TLC)

As for dealing with unsupportive folks. I keep my opinions and choices to myself with people I know are mainstream and would not likely be supportive or are not open minded and I know will not look into the subject for themselves. I feel people out basically. If they seem like they are openminded and non-judgemental, non hysterical and are maybe into alterntaive medicine, I may talk to them about it. As for family. I have bsically told my parenst until they are willing to look at the COUNTLESS hours of research I have done and the MOUNDS of stuff I have, they are not allowed to comment and if they do I will not respond. After almost a year, they finally looked at some stuff when they were visiting a few weeks ago. My dad sent me an email saying "You may have won me over" . The person has to be open to learning something that may be totally different than what they have always believed and been taught.

If the people let government decide what foods they eat and what medicines they take, their bodies will soon be in as sorry a state as are the souls of those who live under tyranny." Thomas Jefferson.

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#4 of 48 Old 04-07-2009, 04:35 PM
 
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Don't tell them.
:
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#5 of 48 Old 04-07-2009, 04:37 PM
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yup, don't tell them. I have not even told DH. My big secret from DH and the rest of our family is that DS is not vaxed. I know that DH (and everybody else) would have a huge problem with not vaxing, and he may even force the issue, so I just don't tell him (or them). I take care of doctor stuff. It is actually the only big secret I have from DH, but I believe that it is in order to protect DSs health, so I think it is justified.

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#6 of 48 Old 04-07-2009, 04:39 PM
 
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yup, don't tell them. I have not even told DH. My big secret from DH and the rest of our family is that DS is not vaxed. I know that DH (and everybody else) would have a huge problem with not vaxing, and he may even force the issue, so I just don't tell him (or them). I take care of doctor stuff. It is actually the only big secret I have from DH, but I believe that it is in order to protect DSs health, so I think it is justified.
.

You have balls I'll give you that! Have you ever thought about what will happen if he ever finds out??

If the people let government decide what foods they eat and what medicines they take, their bodies will soon be in as sorry a state as are the souls of those who live under tyranny." Thomas Jefferson.

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#7 of 48 Old 04-07-2009, 04:43 PM
 
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I don't talk about it with anyone unless I know they are mostly supportive of non-vax. Most of the people I'm around have no clue we don't vax or if they do it's just not mentioned. I've researched it and read a lot about it, but I'm unfortunately one of those people who clam up when I'm challenged. Even if I have a lot of info and facts memorized and in my head, I just go blank. I once presented my mil with facts and she wasn't swayed in the least and told me she'd be praying that my kids never got sick. So, for us, it's best to just keep quiet.
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#8 of 48 Old 04-07-2009, 04:45 PM
 
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I don't mention it. also, maybe you could just say " I think we have all of that covered, thanks for your concern" if they mention it, thjen change the subject fast!
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#9 of 48 Old 04-07-2009, 05:12 PM
 
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I would love to see how vaxes prevent roseola. Oh I know, Its the same way vaxes prevent you from getting the cold. I forgot. Vaxes make you healthy.

I agree that don't ask/don't tell policy is best with vaccines. When the majority of people vax I don't think you are gonna find many sympathetic ears or open minds. There are gonna be lots of things like that though as a parent you will need to learn not to share with folks.

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#10 of 48 Old 04-07-2009, 05:21 PM
 
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Yeah just don't discuss it. Whenever it comes up just say something like, "Oh, that's a discussion for another day - are you're daffodils up yet?" or something like that. If they press you on it just say that your dc has all the vaxes they need and drop it. If it does persist and start to get ugly, just thank them for a wonderful time and leave. It's just not worth the fight that you're not going to win, kwim?
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#11 of 48 Old 04-07-2009, 05:47 PM
 
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I don't discuss it with the majority of people but I don't hide it either. Luckily both sets of parents have been supportive of it even though the ILs find it strange. Luckily everyone know to what extent I research this stuff...
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#12 of 48 Old 04-07-2009, 06:36 PM
 
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I don't lie about it if asked directly but I also don't bother to defend myself against uninformed ranting and personal attacks. I offer to lend people my vaccine books and direct them to sites I found helpful, but I don't discuss such a personal decision with people who aren't open-minded about the choice not to vaccinate.

It's none of their business and I don't really care what they think of me, so whatever. I'm happy to discuss my reasoning with people who seem genuinely curious and interested, but that's rare. Usually it's just, "Vaccines are not right for our family. Pass the salt?"

With certain parties who might freak out or do something crazy like call CPS, I would have no problem lying through my teeth. It's simply none of their business and I will do whatever it takes to protect my son from harm. Of course, I also strictly limit or even sever contact with people like that, so...

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#13 of 48 Old 04-07-2009, 06:43 PM
 
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.

You have balls I'll give you that!
Ovaries She's got ovaries!

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#14 of 48 Old 04-08-2009, 01:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
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First of all any doctor that says a child gets roseola because they are not vaxed is not a doctor Id want to see! No vax and no treatment other than common sense (TLC)
Luckily it was at the hospital so we hopefully won't ever see her again. We saw a nurse then a resident then the dr and they all gave me the 'you're crazy attitude' so I think the dr had to come up with a way to make me feel like I have made a bad choice and I should feel guilty.
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#15 of 48 Old 04-08-2009, 01:55 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks everyone! I guess it does make sense to just not tell anyone unless they ask about it or change the subject if I need to.
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#16 of 48 Old 04-08-2009, 02:43 PM
 
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Ovaries She's got ovaries!

If the people let government decide what foods they eat and what medicines they take, their bodies will soon be in as sorry a state as are the souls of those who live under tyranny." Thomas Jefferson.

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#17 of 48 Old 04-08-2009, 02:55 PM
 
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This all started when I mentioned to my mom who is also not supportive, that when my DS had roseola the dr told us he got it "because he is not vaccinated". To my knowledge, there is not vaccine for roseola and there is also no treatment for it. Correct?
I'd like to ask that doctor how my daughter (fully vaccinated at the time) contracted roseola then! The nerve of some doctors!! One thing that makes my blood boil is hearing about people lying. Don't lie to me. That is one thing that sets me off!

As far as the family is concerned, I fall back on the old, "You do what you want, I'll do what I want based on my extensive research."

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#18 of 48 Old 04-08-2009, 02:56 PM
 
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I pretty much don't tell anyone. There are some of my friends that I can trust not to go crazy about it and so they know. My family knows they are part of the reason I don't vax, but my ILs don't know and we don't discuss it with them at all. They are all are vaxed and think that you have to or you will die.

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#19 of 48 Old 04-08-2009, 03:05 PM
 
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I think you should tell people. The more this gets talked about, the more people will question the status-quo. It's important to keep an open dialogue about this kind of stuff. Also, I worry that by insulating yourself from dissenting views, you run the risk of becoming just as close minded as those who vaccinate without thinking. Am I coming off too strong? I don't mean to. I'm just saying that discussing things, even if it's uncomfortable to do so, is good for you, your points of view and others.

For the record, We're vaccinating slow and limited. But if it weren't for mommas like those in this forum, I may have just done all of them on the CDC schedule without thinking nearly as much about it. If we get pregnant again, I'm not sure how we'll handle it. And that's a direct effect from listening to people who i disagreed with vehemently in the beginning.

I totally get the "keep it from the family" stand. But you have to argue about something with don't you? Why not this?
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#20 of 48 Old 04-08-2009, 03:25 PM
 
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I'm with the previous poster, I tell everyone!!!

I've read a whole lot on the subject and most people that do vax don't know anything they just go in blindly. When my daughter was born and I didn't know anything I just said sure give her the Hep when she was born, "whatever everyone else gets". Boy was I stupid, I didn't have Hepatitis there was no reason for her to have that.

People don't know so if there's ever a chance to educate or even plant a little seed to lead them to want to do their own research I do it. I've even put a couple links to You Tube videos of Dr. Tenpenny on my Facebook before

Gather as much information as you can and know so much that you can state your case and then do it!!
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#21 of 48 Old 04-08-2009, 04:38 PM
 
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I used to be afraid to tell people, but now I'm not. I am well educated on the subject and feel like I can hold a rational discussion with anyone, doctors included. If the conversation turns ugly, I will end it. If the people I am talking to are argumentative and haven't done any research, I will suggest some reading for them, and tell them I am happy to discuss what they think of the things that I showed them. I will not argue or be berated by anyone.

I don't advertise the fact, but I don't hide it either. It's just a fact of our life. I thank all the people that came before me that were open with their decisions, it is what helped me to question mainstream vaxes and end up where I am today. I would like others to have that opportunity as well.
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#22 of 48 Old 04-15-2009, 12:13 PM
 
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I completely understand. My family is okay with our decision to not vaccinate, but my in-laws are really put off by it. For the most part, we do NOT announce openly our decision to not vaccinate, because that just brings on unnecessary stress. And I don't need that while I'm pregnant. Also, I feel it's a private matter.

That said, if it comes up, I won't blatantly lie when asked. We are lucky that we have a good community of people who support no-vacc - my midwife, our chiropractor's office (who have 4 kids who are NEVER sick and have never been vaccinated and don't use ANY medications whatsoever) and a few Peds. I asked our chiro how they deal with the pressure of vaccinations and she said the only thing you can do without driving yourself crazy is to make an effort to educate people. We keep a variety of info on hand to give or share with people. We try to pull from different sources to avoid the "that's just internet propaganda" comeback.

One thing we've noticed, especially among people who don't have kids or who are new parents, is that people don't realize how many vaccines kids are given these days. Back in our day (I'm 33, my husband is 38), we got maybe 5 vaccines? Now kids, here in Georgia anyway, get 49 doses of 14 different vaccinations before the age of 6. That's insane! And if you look at the vaccines, some of them just plain don't make sense!

I have found that when I start to question WHY we need certain vaccines, people start thinking about it at least. Chicken Pox? As kids, we all did it the old-fashioned way. A week of itching cures that, then you're naturally immune for life. Chicken Pox are not really deadly. Hep B? The high majority of cases come from unprotected sex or shared needle use - if my newborn is involved in either of those, I have something to worry about! The flu? Get the real statistics on the flu. The statistics are usually skewed on the number of deaths-by-flu each year because they include pneumonia deaths which are far higher than flu deaths.

I could go on and on, but you see my point. Sure, kids might have to suffer through chicken pox, flu (which a flu shot doesn't always eliminate anyway), mumps, measles, etc. But really, I don't feel comfortable taking the risk of the vaccine side effects.

I'm just a firm believer in our natural immune system.

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#23 of 48 Old 04-15-2009, 02:27 PM
 
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I tell everyone too. I usually warn with "Don't get me started on Vaccines" and if they do get me started, I give them all I've got.LOL It's my one "thing" and otherwise, I'm very laid-back.

You know, my husband would have absolutely no idea about if our children were vax'd if I didn't tell him. He's never been to an appt. Has no clue what's required and doesn't see the vax records or deal with exemptions. I don't think it's that far off to just not tell if you know he'd disagree. If he really cares, he'd go to the appointments. If he doesn't care now, why make him care by bringing it up?

I always wonder about women who come here and bring the subject up about their husbands and the vaccine choice. I think "who is going to the appointments?" My husband just wants to know if everything went ok.

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#24 of 48 Old 04-16-2009, 12:54 AM
 
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DD is completely unvaxed, and I have taken a different route depending on who I am talking to. If I am talking to someone with children, or who may have children in the future, I feel it necessary to explain my stance on vaxes. If I am talking to someone who is much older, and stuck in their ways, I find it a waste of time, and quite frustrating to argue with them- usually. I went out on a limb and told my grandma who was a nurse, and she quite calmly responded that it was my decision and she could see how I would have concern over them. She still recommends that I don't take dd to places where there are lots of children, I try and reassure her that dd's immune system is fabulous and that's what really matters!
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#25 of 48 Old 04-16-2009, 10:29 AM
 
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I am going to apply for WIC this morning and they say they need a shot record, well I dont have one because i have never vax my daughter, she is one now, and i am so afraid that if i go, they will start pumping her full of those crap filled injections that "may or may not" make her extremely sick. I am so confused...all I want to know is if i can just tell them "I dont want her vaccinated." or if they will try to take her from me, I am a young mom, and my boyfriends family are telling me that I have to do it, but my sister had a daughter that has never been vaccinated, and a son that got his until he was 10 months but she discontinued his because she researched what they put in them and she decided not to. If I can get a straight answer it would be so much help. I am frantic, and scared, and do not know enough information. i just want to do what is best for my daughter.


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Originally Posted by mom2geminibaby View Post
Hello, I'm fairly new to this forum and glad to find some other parents who agree with me on this subject.

I am having a hard time with my SIL who seems to think she knows everything. We got into a little argument the other day because she says I "shouldn't judge parents who vaccinate since the kids can't go to school without them". For one, I don't care what other parents do and two they can go to school without them.

This all started when I mentioned to my mom who is also not supportive, that when my DS had roseola the dr told us he got it "because he is not vaccinated". To my knowledge, there is not vaccine for roseola and there is also no treatment for it. Correct?

Anyway, since my decision was origonally based my intuition (we went to get the 2 month shot and I started crying uncontrollably for an extended peroid of time) I feel they think I'm crazy and I can't make them respect my decision.
What ways have you found effective in dealing with those who do not support you?

Thanks!
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#26 of 48 Old 04-16-2009, 10:32 AM
 
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I am going to apply for WIC this morning and they say they need a shot record, well I dont have one because i have never vax my daughter, she is one now, and i am so afraid that if i go, they will start pumping her full of those crap filled injections that "may or may not" make her extremely sick. I am so confused...all I want to know is if i can just tell them "I dont want her vaccinated." or if they will try to take her from me, I am a young mom, and my boyfriends family are telling me that I have to do it, but my sister had a daughter that has never been vaccinated, and a son that got his until he was 10 months but she discontinued his because she researched what they put in them and she decided not to. If I can get a straight answer it would be so much help. I am frantic, and scared, and do not know enough information. i just want to do what is best for my daughter.


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I used to be afraid to tell people, but now I'm not. I am well educated on the subject and feel like I can hold a rational discussion with anyone, doctors included. If the conversation turns ugly, I will end it. If the people I am talking to are argumentative and haven't done any research, I will suggest some reading for them, and tell them I am happy to discuss what they think of the things that I showed them. I will not argue or be berated by anyone.

I don't advertise the fact, but I don't hide it either. It's just a fact of our life. I thank all the people that came before me that were open with their decisions, it is what helped me to question mainstream vaxes and end up where I am today. I would like others to have that opportunity as well.
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#27 of 48 Old 04-16-2009, 10:39 AM
 
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My kids are selectively, delayed vaxed. I don't recall it ever coming up in conversation with family. My ped is fully supportive of my ability to choose. he has helped me work out a viable schedule, in fact suggesting a more delayed schedule than I wanted.
We homeschool, so the whole vaxing for Kindergarten topic has never come up.
I talk about it with friends who are curious about vaxes (some are fully vaxed, some are unvaxed, some are selective). I've never run into any hostility over it.
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#28 of 48 Old 04-16-2009, 10:41 AM
 
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I am going to apply for WIC this morning and they say they need a shot record, well I dont have one because i have never vax my daughter, she is one now, and i am so afraid that if i go, they will start pumping her full of those crap filled injections that "may or may not" make her extremely sick. I am so confused...all I want to know is if i can just tell them "I dont want her vaccinated." or if they will try to take her from me, I am a young mom, and my boyfriends family are telling me that I have to do it, but my sister had a daughter that has never been vaccinated, and a son that got his until he was 10 months but she discontinued his because she researched what they put in them and she decided not to. If I can get a straight answer it would be so much help. I am frantic, and scared, and do not know enough information. i just want to do what is best for my daughter.
You should be able to get a waiver. Almost all states have provisions for religious, medical and/or philosophical exemptions.
ETA: You might just say you don't have it with you, and let it go at that until you figure out what you need to do. They CAN NOT force you to vax your child.
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#29 of 48 Old 04-16-2009, 10:56 AM
 
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You should be able to get a waiver. Almost all states have provisions for religious, medical and/or philosophical exemptions.
ETA: You might just say you don't have it with you, and let it go at that until you figure out what you need to do. They CAN NOT force you to vax your child.
Depending on the state, you may not even need a waiver. They just use it for identification purposes. I asked my WIC office (FL) and they said they don't need one and they weren't going to "try to give any vaccines".

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#30 of 48 Old 04-16-2009, 11:42 AM
 
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Depending on the state, you may not even need a waiver. They just use it for identification purposes. I asked my WIC office (FL) and they said they don't need one and they weren't going to "try to give any vaccines".
No, you don't need a waiver in any state; it is a federal program.

WIC Eligibility & Vax
"Immunization records and/or an infant/child’s immunization status are in no way tied to the receipt of WIC benefits. "

"It should be a rule in all prophylactic work that no harm should ever be unnecessarily inflicted on a healthy person (Sir Graham Wilson, The Hazards of Immunization, 1967)."
Emmeline II is offline  
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