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#1 of 21 Old 07-25-2013, 12:44 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I have a 28 month old dd, and we did a ton of research and number crunching and decided not to vaccinate. Since our decision everything thst i have read has only made me more sure. I will not be vax her unless a specific need arises or she is old enough to make her own informed choice.

My family Is not particularly supportive, but most of them recognise that I am making an informed choice in the best interest of my child. Here is my problem. My brother in law has mafe It his personal mission to bring it up and try and "convert" me. This last weekend he confronted me in front of my whole family, some of whom didnt know anything about my decision. I am not a confrontational person, and it is such an emotionally charged issue for me that I had a very hard time coming up with any intelligent rebuddles, in fact, I ended up crying... I'm 7 months pregnant and a little extra sensitive. I'm sure thst was seen as a weak out to the conversation.

It infuriates me that he thinks its his buisness at all, it is very disrespectful to me as a parent to insinuate that I am not doing what is best for my child. I tried to tell him that I appreciate his concern and his opinion, but I had made a carefully informed choice, to which he replied that it was fact, not his opinion.

What do I do if anything? I completely regret being honest when they asked. O thought about writing him an email explaining my position and how his approach on the subject made me feel, but Im not sure it will be well received, and I don't want to put a wedge in the family. On the other hand I'm not sure if I will be able to talk with him again in any kind of real way knowing what he thinks. I'm just waiting for the " you are try.g to kill your baby with a hone birth" speech next time we see them. Advice please?! Thanks in advance!
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#2 of 21 Old 07-25-2013, 12:53 PM
 
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First, i'd  be putting that bil right in his place in front of everyone, and telling him YOUR personal medical decisions for your child are NONE of his or anyone else's business, and i'd be saying that in front of everyone he made an announcement to.  Then, i'd take him aside, and personally chastise him for humiliating you in front of everyone, and from now on the subject is COMPLETELY CLOSED.  Also tell him, from now on, if he even so much opens his mouth to mention it, you will walk out of the room, and his behavior will put a rift in the family if he decides to continue the disrespect.  While YOU are trying to not to cause a wedge, his boorish behavior surely will. 

Put your foot down, and firmly too!!  YOUR choices are no one's business but yours!!  Is your dh not standing up for you when this happens?  And from now on when someone asks, a good answer is, 'yes, my child has everything she needs' or 'we are not comfortable discussing medical concerns'   ....that's it...no further explanations needed.  

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#3 of 21 Old 07-25-2013, 07:31 PM
 
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Sorry you have to deal with this. My family, while not as outright w their disagreement of our mon vax choices, feels similarly to your bil. And I get flustered when confronted as well. I know what's best for my family but w this particular subject, folks get ultra heated bc it "affects their children" as well. I only wish I would've kept my mouth shut w certain friends and family members, but I do dislike feeling like I'm hiding something. I'm proud my girl has a clean uncomprimsed immune system! Stay up mom. Haters are going to hate. P.s. I live in WI too and am pg with our 2nd:)
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#4 of 21 Old 07-26-2013, 01:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Emmy526- As much as Id like to chew him out for the disrespect he showed me, im thinking it won't be very productive, and im not sure It would foster healing in our relationship.

anachka- small world! I'm in the manitowoc area.

I think I'm going to have to write an email just to express my feelings around this issue, and that from now on, it will be an Issue he and I dont discuss. I really have no Interest in a debate. thanks for the imput!
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#5 of 21 Old 07-26-2013, 02:02 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nutmeg86 View Post

Emmy526- As much as Id like to chew him out for the disrespect he showed me, im thinking it won't be very productive, and im not sure It would foster healing in our relationship.

anachka- small world! I'm in the manitowoc area.

I think I'm going to have to write an email just to express my feelings around this issue, and that from now on, it will be an Issue he and I dont discuss. I really have no Interest in a debate. thanks for the imput!

yes, an email is much better for conveying feelings that are sure to escalate when dealing one on one with someone of opposite opinion.  

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#6 of 21 Old 07-27-2013, 03:51 PM
 
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The topic of no vax is still very taboo. I experience it at work and within my family. My parent's generation and mine were brought up to believe that vaccinations are something that needs to be done and to always listen to your pediatrician. However, nowadays there are parents such as myself that read studies and question the medical field. I do feel like the Lone Ranger but as difficult as it is.....I stick to my guns and stand up for my choice of no vax. It's my child's health at stake. I always present the question to my peers and family, " why do pharmaceutical companies study the cancer/ fertility/mutation effect on many drugs but NOT on vaccines?"
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#7 of 21 Old 07-28-2013, 07:02 PM
 
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Where were you when this happened? I'm not a confrontational l person either but I'll be damned if someone is going to attack my decisions like that and hopefully it wasn't at your home.  Family or not he has not right to talk to you, or anyone for that matter, like he's a know-it-all on the subject.  He's done all the work creating the wedge already, so at this point, distance would be my personal choice.  My family has broken apart over far less, and while I can be forgiving, there is no way I'd just forgive and forget and be comfortable at family events after his outburst. 

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#8 of 21 Old 07-29-2013, 08:15 AM - Thread Starter
 
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It was at his home where we were visiting for the weekend. My husband didn't come along so it was just me and dd. Even though no one stood up for me, i still dont think its worth distancing myself from my sisters. Ill just write this email and end the whole discussion. maybe if im lucky ill get some kind of apology.
Sorry for all of the typos, my phone hates this site and it takes forever to correct anything.
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#9 of 21 Old 07-29-2013, 10:53 AM
 
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I would also talk to your sister since it's her husband and tell her that you aren't comfortable with his approach and you'd appreciate it if she spoke with him.  I'd talk to her first before emailing him even.  That way no one can say you are going behind someone's back to make this secretive, which clearly he had no issue bringing it out into the open.

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#10 of 21 Old 07-29-2013, 11:04 AM - Thread Starter
 
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She stands with him on this topic. Ill send it to their joint email and address it vaguely.
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#11 of 21 Old 07-30-2013, 11:35 AM
 
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Your family is probably appalled right now at your BILs behavior last family gathering, regardless of their personal stance on your decision. I would let his actions be the last of it.

You have the right to your vaccination decision for your child ....just as much as he has his right to his decision, which you likely never argued to him or your sister about. He has really stepped over the line.
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#12 of 21 Old 08-08-2013, 06:53 AM - Thread Starter
 
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So I sent the email last wednesday... they arent on vacation to my knowledge... the email simply stated that I felt I was doing what was best and that I didn't want any more discussion on the topic especially in front of the whole family. I tried very hard to make sure it was respectful and not emotionally charged. I would like acknowledgement to the email, but it is looking like I may not get that curtsy... should I send another email asking of they recieved the origional one or just leave it?
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#13 of 21 Old 08-08-2013, 07:17 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Ok, so i just got a response from my sister, who said "as you wish. I can only speak for myself." Wtf! What am I supposed to do with that?
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#14 of 21 Old 08-08-2013, 08:06 AM
 
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Ok, so i just got a response from my sister, who said "as you wish. I can only speak for myself." Wtf! What am I supposed to do with that?

i'd write back, 'that's fine, but it is still an issue that is not to be discussed at family functions. I don't discuss your parenting style with the entire family, no need to discuss mine, esp right in front of me, as that is the epitome of boorish behavior and total disrespect for parenting choices we are allowed to make.'  

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#15 of 21 Old 08-08-2013, 11:06 AM
 
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i'd write back, 'that's fine, but it is still an issue that is not to be discussed at family functions. I don't discuss your parenting style with the entire family, no need to discuss mine, esp right in front of me, as that is the epitome of boorish behavior and total disrespect for parenting choices we are allowed to make.'  

Pretty much. I don't know what the heck is wrong with people who think they have a right to behave this way. Also, if your husband is around, I'd let him step in and talk to your BIL if he tries to pull some crap like that again. 


"Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect." ~Mark Twain

 


 
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#16 of 21 Old 08-09-2013, 09:58 AM
 
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I'd anticipate future issues with a comment like that since clearly she has no intention of reigning in her husband or his attacks.

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#17 of 21 Old 08-09-2013, 12:49 PM
 
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i'd write back, 'that's fine, but it is still an issue that is not to be discussed at family functions. I don't discuss your parenting style with the entire family, no need to discuss mine, esp right in front of me, as that is the epitome of boorish behavior and total disrespect for parenting choices we are allowed to make.'  

This but leave out the last part. Just state you need to know that your BIL understands that the discussion is closed and it will not be brought up at family functions. PERIOD.


If the people let government decide what foods they eat and what medicines they take, their bodies will soon be in as sorry a state as are the souls of those who live under tyranny." Thomas Jefferson.

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#18 of 21 Old 08-09-2013, 04:17 PM
 
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I would thank sis for her reply then leave it alone. Even if her husband did agree not to raise the subject again at gatherings, that still leaves the subject open for discussion otherwise. It merely sets up new rules for the debate. For what it is worth he does not seem a fair debator anyway (he may not be a fair individual either) as he chose to debate the subject knowing you were at his house on his turf, without your husband present to support you and you are pregnant (not that pregnant women are weak or vulnerable but still not appropriate). Therefore I would not anticipate that he would honor whatever agreement you both came to anyway. I really think in a situation such as this...no more communication on the subject will speak loudly. As in...no more email or public or private discussion, unless of course you are seeking a valued opinion. If you walk out of the room or cease to email he will have to realize sooner or later that he is talking to the wall. It takes two to tango... I would just not engage him any further.
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#19 of 21 Old 08-09-2013, 04:25 PM
 
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I agree with Asiago. If it were me, I would just write back, "Okay, thanks." And leave it at that. She is trying to bait you with her flippant reply, and of course the BIL was really trying to bait you by being obnoxious. Don't take the bait. Don't participate in their game. If he brings it up, walk away, or say, "Pass the gravy" or whatever. Don't acknowledge. They will get the hint and it will no longer be fun anymore.
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#20 of 21 Old 08-12-2013, 03:50 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks For all of the advice! I've decided that in the interest of preserving my relationship with the rest of my siblings I'm just going to do what several posters suggested and let it go and ignore any further comments. If it continues to be an issue ill reassess my approach. Unfortunately all of my sibs live several hours away from one another, and this sisters house is the central gathering point, so id like to avoid rocking the boat so that I can still see everyone. Thanks again!!
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#21 of 21 Old 08-12-2013, 06:41 AM
 
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Ugh- so sorry that this happened.  I agree with EVERYTHING said here. That's what I would do.

Quote:
Originally Posted by emmy526 View Post

First, i'd  be putting that bil right in his place in front of everyone, and telling him YOUR personal medical decisions for your child are NONE of his or anyone else's business, and i'd be saying that in front of everyone he made an announcement to.  Then, i'd take him aside, and personally chastise him for humiliating you in front of everyone, and from now on the subject is COMPLETELY CLOSED.  Also tell him, from now on, if he even so much opens his mouth to mention it, you will walk out of the room, and his behavior will put a rift in the family if he decides to continue the disrespect.  While YOU are trying to not to cause a wedge, his boorish behavior surely will. 

Put your foot down, and firmly too!!  YOUR choices are no one's business but yours!!  Is your dh not standing up for you when this happens?  And from now on when someone asks, a good answer is, 'yes, my child has everything she needs' or 'we are not comfortable discussing medical concerns'   ....that's it...no further explanations needed.  

 

In a similar story, I had a friend who learned second hand that we do not vaccinate and she unfriended me on FB and started talking smack about me on her wall (I read it because she forgot to unfriend DP who is on the same page with me on the vax issue, duh). She doesn't even have kids! Cuss.gif


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