Can I Whine a Little? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 13 Old 12-07-2008, 07:12 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I just want to whine/vent. I am really excited about the arrival of baby #4. It has taken me a while to warm up to the idea of having #4 so close to #3 but I am finally there and am super excited. This will be our last baby so I am trying to really enjoy this last little bit of pregnancy.

The problem is that the rest of the world has different plans. Whenever I talk about the holidays, everyone gets this bah humbug attitude. When I talk about the baby, I don't get much response. Everybody is so tied up with their own problems that I am being forgotten. Yeah, I know, I am being selfish but I just don't think that my dad should tell me that I have a half brother that is "retarded". (Dad's words not mine. I have no idea what type of special needs he has.) The kid is 37 and my dad has been looking for him for quite some time. That would be okay but he has sworn me to secrecy because he doesn't want my mom to know. He even asked me not to tell DH, which I disregarded because that is not something that I can deal with on my own.

Of course, that isn't bad enough. He tells me that he has feeling for the mother of this kid. He left the night before Thanksgiving and went to spend the holidays with her under the guise that he had business to take care of in another state where this lady is. He unloads his secrets on me and I have to keep my mouth shut. My mom suspects something is up but doesn't know what. Until he told me all of this, I could assure her that everything was okay and could defend my dad because she does have a tendency to be a bit paranoid. Now, I am not sure how to act and I am not about to spill the beans. I think my dad is being a friggin' coward and it makes me angry.

My sister is going on a trip for Christmas and is telling me that she hopes the baby comes before she leaves on the 21st. Nobody knows when the baby will come so stop it already. I know there is another thread about people wanting your baby to come at their convenience. I just needed a thread of my own so I could whine.

Oh, the icing on the cake is that we found out today that my DD's piano teacher will be moving out of state and that this will be the last month of lessons. My DD was just getting really good and really comfortable with this teacher. She had me buy a bunch of excercise books and my DD has only worked through a couple of them. I am sure that we will use them eventually but it still irks me that my DD is getting let down like that.

Whining over! If you have gotten this far, thanks for reading! I don't really need any suggestions, just hugs and some commiseration.
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#2 of 13 Old 12-07-2008, 07:42 PM
 
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My mom did that same kind of thing to me. Telling me about how stuff my dad did/does kills her for marital relations, and how she has knows this guy online who "wakes that part of her up..." ::Puke:Puke I don't need to know that stuff. Since we don't really socialize, I can't really commiserate with you on that. But I can imagine it's annoying. I missed classes all last week for our car being in the shop, and have had 2 or 3 people I don't really know that well call asking if I had the baby yet. Nope, but I'll let you know when I do

I'm sorry your DD's piano teacher is moving. I used to do piano, but I moved, and couldn't continue. I hope you guys can find someone who is equally helpful, or maybe even better It will get better

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#3 of 13 Old 12-07-2008, 07:46 PM
 
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ugh...
You're stronger then I. I would have punched my dad in the face and asked him what the heck was wrong with him. Being sneeky and lying and making you keep it all a secret. blah.

I'm crunchy... Like a Dorito.
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#4 of 13 Old 12-07-2008, 08:11 PM
 
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WTH? That's way too much to put on you right now; actually, I can't imagine EVER wanting to know that kind of information. My mom loves to talk to me about her sex life (eek!) but it's not "on the side" loving.

I have a very self-absorbed family and when I'm feeling overwhelmed by their neediness I check out; I hang out with DH and make myself unavailable to them.

Walking in the light with DH, DD (11/08), DS (4/10) , four dogs, and one insouciant cat.
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#5 of 13 Old 12-07-2008, 08:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
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WTH? That's way too much to put on you right now; actually, I can't imagine EVER wanting to know that kind of information. My mom loves to talk to me about her sex life (eek!) but it's not "on the side" loving.

I have a very self-absorbed family and when I'm feeling overwhelmed by their neediness I check out; I hang out with DH and make myself unavailable to them.
I try to check out, but dammit, I want some support. I want someone to talk to that has been there done that with 4 kids, which makes my mom a great candidate since there were 4 of us. I think I am the only one I know that is about to have four kids. Everyone else is that has kids is on 2 or maybe three, but not 4! Heck, a lot of my friends don't even have kids.

When my dad came over and sprang all this crap on me, I thought he was just bringing over some paperwork for me that I needed. I wish my kids had been awake so he couldn't/wouldn't say anything. He told my oldest sister too so I have been able to talk to her about it in very veiled terms because I don't want little ears to hear anything bad about grandpa.
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#6 of 13 Old 12-07-2008, 08:51 PM
 
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I think it is lousy that people aren't giving you the support, nor the time or space that you need to prepare.

And, I'm expecting #4 too...it's even more of a struggle this time to find that space. Because everyone depends on you so much as a mom. And, the fact that your Dad is dumping this all on you, this is unexcusable.

Really, you need to draw a line in the same with people who are purposefully adding stress to your life. You need this time to prepare and get yourself ready for the impending birth.



I completely understand your vent too...we have a family situation right now (with DH's parents...where one is mentally ill and making irrational demands against our requests for no more visits before baby). It's stressful for me. Just thinking about it. The whole point is, this is the one time that we should as women be able to be selfish. Because we need to get yourself ready to birth...

Perpetually breastfeeding or pregnant ENFP mom to a lot of kids...wife to a midwestern nice guy...living in tropical paradise...pink cats and homebirths rock!

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#7 of 13 Old 12-07-2008, 11:23 PM
 
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Sorry you're getting dumped on. Don't cover for him. Hopefully in a few more days you'll have the perfect excuse to forget all about their drama.
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#8 of 13 Old 12-08-2008, 12:35 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Sorry you're getting dumped on. Don't cover for him. Hopefully in a few more days you'll have the perfect excuse to forget all about their drama.
I am in a no win situation. I don't plan on covering for him but I certainly am not going to be the one to crush my mother during the holidays. Sorry, my mom has enough on her plate and is usually depressed during the holidays anyway. My parents have been married for 40 years. I am just whining because I shouldn't have been put in this position at all.
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#9 of 13 Old 12-08-2008, 12:44 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I think it is lousy that people aren't giving you the support, nor the time or space that you need to prepare.

And, I'm expecting #4 too...it's even more of a struggle this time to find that space. Because everyone depends on you so much as a mom. And, the fact that your Dad is dumping this all on you, this is unexcusable.

Really, you need to draw a line in the same with people who are purposefully adding stress to your life. You need this time to prepare and get yourself ready for the impending birth.



I completely understand your vent too...we have a family situation right now (with DH's parents...where one is mentally ill and making irrational demands against our requests for no more visits before baby). It's stressful for me. Just thinking about it. The whole point is, this is the one time that we should as women be able to be selfish. Because we need to get yourself ready to birth...
Thanks! Like I said, I am mostly just whining. They are not purposefully adding stress to my life. I have always been the person that people come to when they want a non-judgmental and rational opinion about things. They are just treating me like they always have and I can't fault them for that. I was gone for 8 months last year and I think they are making up for lost time. :-)

My dad and I can discuss things logically so he comes to me when he wants to discuss things in a rational and logical manner. I gave him my opinion and told him that he is being selfish and unrealistic. I just wish I didn't have this information because it makes it difficult for me to reassure my mom that everything will be okay. My mom is usually the one that is over the top with joy about babies but she has been really sullen and depressed. Like I said, she knows something is up, she just doesn't know what the something is. My dad is on all kinds of meds because of his heart (he needs a sextuple bypass) so she is attributing a lot of his weirdness to his meds.
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#10 of 13 Old 12-08-2008, 10:58 AM
 
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Thanks! Like I said, I am mostly just whining. They are not purposefully adding stress to my life. I have always been the person that people come to when they want a non-judgmental and rational opinion about things. They are just treating me like they always have and I can't fault them for that. I was gone for 8 months last year and I think they are making up for lost time. :-)

My dad and I can discuss things logically so he comes to me when he wants to discuss things in a rational and logical manner. I gave him my opinion and told him that he is being selfish and unrealistic. I just wish I didn't have this information because it makes it difficult for me to reassure my mom that everything will be okay.

Nah, you're being too easy on them. I would tell them that this information/knowledge is stressing you out (your dad...sounds like your mom is clueless) and perhaps he'll lighten the burden he is putting on you.

Honestly, if it is a stressful situation it's just not good for you nor baby. And, sure, they may use you as a confidant, etc. in the past. I understand that, but this is not the same. You're pregnant now, and your body/physiology is way more affected by stress than in a non-pregnant state.

Such as with my MIL. We actually do amazingly well considering dealing with her relapses, etc. (just recently found out about the schizophrenia) but I know that I am physically and emotionally affected by it in a way that is not good for baby to feel. KWIM? So, we're doing our best now to ensure that the last days of my pregnancy are safe, secure and low stress. Because our last visit she was maybe 65% helped by her medication. It's already not fair to DH or our older kiddos (who thankfully are still mostly clueless about why Grandma acts weird or mean sometimes), but definitely not fair to my baby on the inside or me (my bp is affected by stress unfortunately--I don't want it messed up at the end of pregnancy when I already have white coat issues).

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#11 of 13 Old 12-08-2008, 11:21 AM
 
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oh, wow, mama! I'm sorry there is so much going on around you right now. I know you need this time to be focused on It almost feels like the more children you have the less people can care sometimes, at least that has been my experience (this is baby #5). Like you've been there done that..."what's the big deal"?? attitude from family/friends. My own family seems to care less about this baby..heck my mom came to visit a few months ago and said she would buy us an infant seat (great, we need the help!) and never did buy it. Wth? Not like I expected her to..but when you tell me that and dp that...well then we kinda get our hopes up. Then when you DON'T and the baby is due, uh next week and you ask what I'm up to on the phone and I say "looking for car seats" and you say "oh okay". Well then I have every right to be upset!!!

As do you. Hugs and much love to you. Good luck and I hope you feel better soon.
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#12 of 13 Old 12-08-2008, 02:38 PM
 
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I am in a no win situation. I don't plan on covering for him but I certainly am not going to be the one to crush my mother during the holidays. Sorry, my mom has enough on her plate and is usually depressed during the holidays anyway. My parents have been married for 40 years. I am just whining because I shouldn't have been put in this position at all.
Oh, no, I agree! Don't tell her, but don't lie either.

Mine have been married 40+ years too. And it looks like my mom is coming down here for Christmas and leaving my dad up there...since he refuses to fly and won't take time off for work for anything (didn't even for my HS and college graduations). Plus the ILs are coming...this is gonna be a very interesting holiday!

Did I mention they've all said I should "hurry up" so they can meet the baby over the holiday?
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#13 of 13 Old 12-09-2008, 01:42 AM
 
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Whenever I talk about the holidays, everyone gets this bah humbug attitude. When I talk about the baby, I don't get much response. Everybody is so tied up with their own problems that I am being forgotten.
If it helps, I just wanted to let you know that *we're* all excited about your baby!

And I'm looking forward to the holidays, too. You'll get no bah humbug here, go ahead and enjoy the season!

Mom of 2 boys: D-Mac (Feb 06) and Ducky (Dec 08)
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