i wanted to say that i think your post makes all the sense in the world. it would be nice if it all was roses and daisies, but that is ridiculous! of course you have mixed emotions, it doesn't mean any of them are wrong or bad. they are valid and that's just the way it has to be.
i remember reading (what seemed like) hundreds of posts of women who had pregnancies (after losses) and then had their babies. they were always worried, and that is what i thought i had in store for me when it was my turn. it took so long to get pregnant again, and there were many tear filled pleas that i would do 'anything' if i could only get pregnant again and have the chance to have a living child. so, you know, this pregnancy was not really like any of the pregnancies i read about. there was worry, but not really about a repeat of what happened with my daughter. i had other problems, other issues, other threats that make this pregnancy quite nightmarish, emotionally. i remind myself that i said i would do anything, and this is anything, i guess. no physical pain, but mental craziness.
i keep fast forwarding past all this- the pregnancy, the birth, the coming home, and i think of the day when it feels 'normal'. maybe one day when this little guy is 6 months old, healthy... that is my goal. i think you will end up there too. hopefully forgetting about all this stuff!
i am having weekly bpp's and growth scans, afi checks, etc. i'll be 29wks tomorrow. i am still thrilled that the sch finally went away! i worry about everything else, though. feeling this baby move everyday, it is thrilling to my heart each time he kicks and he is alive! it is such a day by day thing. at the scans, i get worried that they are going to admit for delivery right then and there. i want this little guy to have more time to grow! he is 2 1/2 lbs now. i keep wondering though, maybe it would be better if he was on the outside. the variable of the unknown would be taken away. he would be in the hands of experts, being cared for. i have such a fear that i will make the wrong decision and it will mean his death inside me because the placenta fails or there is something really wrong with his cord. i just don't know what to do with this. not one of the peri's has mentioned this, just that if all of this was going on after 36wks. they would deliver for sure. so, more weeks to go... and on bedrest!