Ugh.. I'm thinking about going back to the hospital for a shot of demerol. Its been more than a few days since I've had any pain relief. My aunt came over and I was laying down as its getting more and more painful to sit up. I turned and smiled at her and she got sad. She said she loves me but it hurts her to see me in this much pain, visibly over tired and stressed. That hurts my feelings. I know it shouldn't, but I try so hard to put on a happy face all day. I see my reflection and I know I look like hell, I have dark bags under my eyes and I look like I'm on the verge of breaking down.
I feel so frickin guilty about these shots of demerol. I keep thinking that my son is going to end up a junkie as an adult and it will all be because of all these pain killers I've gotten. I torture myself with these thoughts. I try to stop as I know I'm stressing unnecessarily, but I just can't find a way to look as this positively. Taking drugs while pregnant, most women would cringe at the thought and here I am calling the hospital to see if I can.
I watch my belly move as my son stretches out and I'm in love with him. I can finally hear his heartbeat on the stethoscope. I love this and I want it over with. I hate that.
Well apparently everyone on the mat ward knows me. I called in and asked who the OB on tonight is and the nurse, who I'd never heard of before, asked me why and I said because three of them are very familiar with me and if it was them I could set up the order before I came in. I said all of this through the heaving of crying, which is always pleasant eh? Anyways she asked who I am, I said my name and she said, "Oh sweetie, I know who you are. I'll call the doc right away. You call me back ok?"
We got there and I went to hand them my carecard, but they waved it off and opened the door and ushed me in. She said you just stand up for half a second so I can check the baby's heartrate, I'll poke you, and you can go. Roll through service with a smile.
Very few women who have had PSD like me are dumb enough to do it a third time. I should get some kind of award or something.
I went in and she gave me the shot. Then she asked me why I don't use oxycodone. I was shocked that she would suggest that. Oxycodone is like the heroine of narcotics. I was given that for 8 months during my bout of pancreatic treason. I would never, ever, EVER consider using that during pregnancy! It actually changes the composition of muscle fiber and cellular construction. I wouldn't use that during pregnancy. I'm really surprised.
Erica, I have a question for you: I don't like chocolate, I'm not a sweets lover. I eat ice cream and chocolatey stuff maybe 4 times a year. I'm a salty snacks girl. But for the last two weeks or so I NEED chocolate and ice cream. Its not a pregnancy thing, I've never had a sweets craving before, ever. In fact when chocolate coats the inside of my mouth, I gag. But lately I can't stop wanting some. I think about something sweet every 10 mins. This has something to do with the diabetes right? Its all I can come up with.