To clarify, we've been dealing with preterm labor (contractions, short cervix) since July. Through this pregnancy I also had a placenta previa, although that has resolved. In the last few weeks, I developed polyhydramnios. This led to my water breaking on Friday night.
So now we're sitting and waiting. Doctors will neither start nor stop labor. As my water is broken, baby has very little fluid left around him. He's doing okay so far, but I'm worried about how he will do over the coming days or weeks. We're also worried about the risk of infection.
I'm exhausted. This whole pregnancy has been so difficult. I am really grieving the loss of a normal, healthy pregnancy. I'm really sad and scared. Everyone wants me to be strong, but I feel like I have nothing left. I just want to do whatever we can to make the birth go as well as possible. Mostly, I think that means making sure the doctors and nicu team are 100% ready.
i cant possibly understand how you must feel. scared, sad and all the rest. its perfectly normal to grieve a lost "normal" pregnancy, but i have to say, so many pregnancies have issues and while youve had more than most, its still a normal pregnancy.
ive been on the sidelines chat rooms which have been terribly helpful. every woman there or in the NICU room has had an issue another woman has had. so ive seen lots of low amniotic folks there, and many whove made it awhile with low or no fluid and have had wonderfully healthy babies. so i would say stay off the fear train, look for success stories that are like yours - there are lots - and stay as positive as you can. big hugs to you, h
Sage that is so sweet.
I decided not to go to the hospital for pain relief last night. I turned the light off at midnight and watch the numbers change every 10 mins on my clock as I couldn't help but scream, waking my husband up. I cried all night, through the cursing and groaning. I cried all morning, through the exhausted muffled screams and impatience and rage. Finally at 1:30 pm my husband came in and said "you have to eat". I feel broken today. I have NO patience. I gave up a night of rest and sacrificed a day of strength to deal with this pain, for nothing.
Sage, to you too. This can't go on. Please take the pain meds when you need them. This isn't good for you, and it can't be good for Lucien. I know you want to do what's best for him, but a worn-out, used-up mommy isn't what he needs, especially right when he's born.
Just to lighten the mood...I stuffed up the toilet and now its broken, and I can't sleep because the idea of calling the plumber makes me anxious. How's that for a stupid reason for insomnia? I'm not happy I'm awake, and being pregnant kind of stinks. (literally)
Anyway as long as I'm up, I'm sending you all good vibes that we all hang in there with our sanity intact for a bit longer.
I'm doing pretty well. Settling into this new routine of hospital bed rest. It's helpful to know what the plan is and to do what I can to prepare emotionally and practically for what is coming.
The hardest thing for me today is missing my older children. They are growing up so much without me. Becoming brothers. Last summer, Micah was still very much a baby. Now he and Asher run around play games together, talk to one another, get into trouble together. Last night, they put on their pajamas together and my husband caught them holding hands while they walked out of grandma's house to the car and then for the whole car ride home. It is so sweet to see them loving one another in their little ways right now, helping each other through this difficult time.
I miss my husband too. And my bathtub. I miss my espresso machine.
Sara i am glad you are settling well in the hosp. sorry you have to be there.
Sage- your getting close right? and your hubby is so sweet.
AFM and my fam. Lilah pretty much hates Cameron, and wants to nurse constantly. she yells at him when he cries (at diaper change) which makes me sad.
Dh goes back to work tomorrow, he will not stay home another day even though he could, and probably coul help me a bit more, i think i am doing too much.
I am starting to feel over whelmed and weepy, i did get my placenta encapusulated, so i am really trying to avoid PPD. my milk has been in since friday night but the battle of engorgement continues. and i am having a hard time dealing with Lilah nursing, and i dont think that it is helping. anyways enough of my pity party. I hope every one is well/ does better til i check in again.
Today my boys visited for a little while. They ate most of my dinner (fine with me, I'm sick of hospital food) and gave the baby lots of kisses and "huggles". When Micah fell down, he didn't want a mommy kiss. He wanted his big brother to kiss his owie. I'm not sure if this melts my heart or makes me want to cry...
I just read your Monday entry on your blog. It was so touching, I had no idea all that you've been going through and I am sad that you are scared and feel left out. I can relate to everything you said, my girls have really come together the last few months too. My older two sleep together all the time now. Last month my youngest daughter was having a full meltdown one morning, crying inconsolably. I got up and made it to her bedroom where she was curled up in a ball on her floor and I said, "baby, what's wrong? I'm right here" and through her heaving sons she replied, "I w-w-want Abby". My heart broke. Mostly because she wanted her big sister instead of me and that just confirmed the distance I felt growing between my family and I, and also because my daughters had the bond I've always tried to inspire between them.
I too wonder at the purpose of these last months. Am I being cosmically punished for something? Is this a challenge to teach me something? What am I supposed to take from all this? I don't understand.
Your words connected with my heart, with my fears and sadness. You are not alone. In the darkest part of your heart, where are your fears coil and your misery grows, my light is there with you.
These last few days are harder for me than I expected. I am in deep mourning for the upcoming end of this pregnancy. These last few days when my fertility is a blessed place that comforts and feeds my baby. Never again will I grow another person, I'll never wonder if that flutter was movement or watch with love and wonder as my baby makes my belly dance.
I'm a good mom, I love my babies with everything I am. I am heartbroken that the universe has denied me the chance to carry another baby. I don't understand. People keep telling me to be thankful for the four I have, but they don't get it. All I've ever wanted to be is a mother. It would be different if this was a decision I made for myself, but I feel like I'm being locked out of my most favorite club. I'm so sad.
The baby making era is over for me. I have to put it behind me with love and happiness, not sadness and betrayal. I look forward to raising my family, to laughing and loving and making memories. I wish these last two days could be filled with everything but pain and anxiety, but this is what I have. I want this sadness to be over.
Sara, great idea on your hubby's part! That morning cup of coffee can really set a good tone for the day! Glad to hear you are finding a rhythm and settling in. Hang in there!
Aviva, so sorry about your toilet and insomnia! Hopefully it gets fixed today. You don't have to tell the plumber who stuffed it up!
Sage, it is tough having decisions made for you. Hopefully you can put all that baby making energy into being a Mom as your kids grow! Even when they are big, they still need you in many ways!
Selena, sorry to hear you are in that tough postpartum period. Could you help Lilah avoid the sound of crying? Maybe get her special head phones, set her up with music in another room, teach her to cover her ears or sing to herself. I don't remember how old she is, but you can find cheap mp3 players ($15 at Toys R Us last week I believe) and you could put some stories on there for her to listen to. Maya is 2.5, and she loves Michael's set. (He has one for the bus, since he gets overstimulated by the noise.) She is rough on it, but it is holding up! Can you come up with any special activities for Lilah while you nurse? Maybe read her a story, let her do a special activity like play doh, let her have a special snack at the table, even a few minutes of TV if you do that. Will she take care of a baby doll when you take care of Cameron, so you two can play babies together? We found it helped Michael to make it a point to connect with him in ways we couldn't connect with Maya, so he saw some benefit to being the older sibling, and not just loss of attention.
At the siblings class we attended, they had the parents go through a questionairre while the kids were touring the hospital. Basically they said imagine yourself at home one day, and your spouse brings in another woman. She moves into the house, and he is absolutely fascinated with everything she does and says. Everyone that comes to visit is too! What would you do? How would you feel when you see him doing the little things he used to do for you, for her now? Kind of an interesting exercise!
Good luck to everyone!
Sage, your section is in just two days? Is that still the plan? Sending love and vibes that the next two days help you recharge just enough to be in a good place on Thursday. I'm sorry you are sad about needing to let go of future childbearing plans. I hope you are meant to have things in your life that will compensate for that, but I think its good to grieve it and mourn that as a loss, nothing is gained by not admitting that its sad that you have to change those plans.
Christy how are YOU doing That's funny about the siblings, I can see it being true...but of course they do also learn to support one another. Shelby and Holly, how's it going for you?
Selena I'm sorry post-partum is being hard, I'm sure she will adjust but I bet its hard on everyone right now. I don't think you are having a pity party, I think postpartum is just harder than people ever want to admit, and its so normal to feel overwhelmed. Get as much help as you can.
My husband fixed the toilet, yay for hubby. No plumber call necessary! I'm struggling with blood sugars still but otherwise everything is good. I'm not very comfortable but not in any real pain, and so I'm just waiting to get through the next few weeks. Unlike Sage, I really am ready to be done with this phase of my life. I am waiting eagerly for this little one to join our family but I really don't feel any desire to do this again.
Last night was really rough. at 2:00 Cameron woke to eat, then had a huge blow out poop. I asked Dh to change him while i used bathroom. Him crying from diaper change woke Lilah. so we all get settled and both babes nursing triggers massive after contractions. They were worse than labor. I ended up crying and almost screaming before i took a tylenol with codine. which i am very grateful i had left over from post partum with lilah. I still had to use a heating pad, and listen to my relaxation from hypnobirthing in order to calm down. Dh was awesome during all of this, trying to care for 2 babies and me all at the same time. so anyways we all got back to bed around 4, and then Cameron peed around/ through his diaper that daddy put on at 2, but it wasn't bad and i was so tired i just slept on the wet sheets and cuddled Cameron close so he stayed warm. then daddy had to get up at 6 to go to work, after asking all day yesterday he refused to take it off. so Lilah got up a bit after that. So i think we will all have an early bed time tonight, including daddy.
crazy night but today has been pretty good considering both Lilah and I are over tired and a bit cranky.
I'm super sensitive. My husband is tired and hungry spent all morning in the freezing cold to be with the girls during a Remembrance Day march so he keeps snapping on me, not even big stuff and I launch back into a full meltdown. I seem unable to stop. When he asks me whats wrong I just start crying harder. He doesn't know how sad I am that I'll never have another baby, and he doesn't know that I'm awake all night because I've found that if I stick my head into the pillow really hard that my screams don't wake him up.
Its my nieces bday party today. I can't go, for more reasons than just this crying. But my husband was planning on dropping off the girls and getting me some lunch. I asked him not to, I just want to be alone. But he said no, I have to eat so he's coming back. I just want to be alone.
I'm a wreck. This is pathetic. Now I'm scared for Lucien to be born, I need to be able to pull it together.
Selena, you will make it through these first days! It's so overwhelming, but soon you will settle into things. And your daughter will warm up to her baby brother.
I am thankful that my boys have one another. It's just amazing to watch them grow into being brothers. They are developing this sweet little relationship. It makes me excited about what it will be like for our three little men. Asher, Micah, and Zephan...the name is almost official.
And to everyone, it is hard to wait in these final days and weeks. With everything we've all been through, it is amazing to get close to the end and feel this sense of impending loss!
We're also done having kids. Usually I feel a lot of peace about this - we cannot go through another pregnancy - but there are moments when it's hard to believe I'll never feel another little person kicking around in my belly.
I'm feeling very nervous about labor this time around. It is hard to labor and give birth with all this fear and anxiety. I would prefer a totally natural birth, but think I may end up asking for an epidural, in part so I could be awake for a c-section in case of an emergency. I guess it depends on how baby is doing. If they need to induce for an infection, I'll lean towards having an epidural. If I go into labor naturally, I may try to do it naturally again.
I am starving. I haven't eaten since 7 am.
Sara, you should do anything you want to to feel strong and comfortable. Let go of expectations and just be what this all is now. I'm glad that your baby is safe and being within you is the best place for him to be for now. Your boys sound so adorable!
I'll go back to the hospital for pain meds tonight. I need to sleep. I feel completely drained.
Here is my birth story and some pics for those of you who want it. It is a happy story. It is very long. here is the link
Hopefully you've gotten the meds and are even tucked in. Three nights left, right? Work the plan: take the meds and get some rest. Nothing is ever as bad as it seems when you've gotten no sleep. It does really suck to miss out on some of the romanticized views of pregnancy. I was psychotic last time and still mourn it, but right now it's really about getting to the next hour in the way that's best for you. Best of luck.
Sara -- Best of luck to you too in your delivery.
It's our last baby too. The first time around the pregnancy, birth, and postpartum experience were a disaster with my mental health problems. This time around I am shooting for good mental health. A natural birth would help that, but I am actually not focused too much on it only because I know if I obsess over it and it goes another way, that would be worse.
Amanda Rose, author, Rebuild From Depression: A Nutrient Guide. Don't miss this opportunity to build a business telling friends about probiotic foods and grass fed meats: Beyond Organic Review.
I'm going to the hospital in a couple of hours for some pain meds. I am going to try really hard not to cry between now and then, I'm really scared that I won't be able to stop again. I hate that feeling. I only have two days left, I have to be able to hang in that long right?
I barely slept last night and for the few mins I did, I had a nightmare. Of course. I have to be able to keep it together for a couple more days. I started wondering today about depression, not a good sign. I can't be depressed at the very end like this. I can hang in there all this time, and disintegrate right before the finish line? That doesn't seem right. Shiza, this wouldn't even be called postpartem depression, I'm not post anything!! I don't know what I need even, sleep probably. Pain relief. Food. All of it is so temporary. The pain meds give me about 4 hours of sleep, then the pain is back. I could eat all day I think, were I not so stressed out like this. If I were a bird, I'd be bald. My body keeps doing that shuddering thing.
Try not to focus on the "what ifs." They can eat you up at this stage. Focus on taking care of yourself. Right now that's sleep because with that you will be less stressed and able to eat. Some depression is going to be totally normal but you really may be a brand new person in just a few days. Get through these hours right now and see what things hold next week.
Four hours of sleep is everything when compared to no sleep at all. Is it possible just in the next two days to get a dose in the evening and another one in the morning so that you can possibly get two rounds of four hours of sleep?
Amanda Rose, author, Rebuild From Depression: A Nutrient Guide. Don't miss this opportunity to build a business telling friends about probiotic foods and grass fed meats: Beyond Organic Review.
I to you for being so strong.
Just hold it for a few more days. Cry your eyes out until they are swollen shut if it makes you feel better. Just imagine how AMAZING and perfect your little boy will be when he comes out.
Thank you guys for all your love, kindness, compassion, encouragment and support. Honestly, from the bottom of my heart, I could not have done this without you.
I slept last night. I feel more energized today, tho today my goal is to sleep as much as possible. I have to get our bag packed for the hospital. Lucien will be full term so hopefully he won't spend any time in the NICU. I know they'll put him in there in the beginning because they'll want to monitor for any effects from the demerol and possibly because I have GD? I don't know what they do for GD babies. They've told me that I'll probably be there for 3 days for recovery. I'll have to wait and see.
Sage, so glad tomorrow is the day for you! Just take things one moment at a time. You can do this!
Sara, good luck on your labor decision. I wonder if they could get the epidural in place and not give you any, or much of any, medication through it? Maybe it would give you the best of both worlds! I don't know exactly how they work, but I think they are adjustable somehow.
Have a good night everyone!
I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. Can't wait to hear Lucien's birth story!
AFM, things are going okay. The PSD is still really a problem. My ob gave me tylenol with codeine but honestly, they don't do anything. Sadly I'm basically on self-imposed bed rest (well, chair rest, since laying down is painful). The good news is that I've had a couple of really good nights in a row where I was able to get in some real sleep. What a difference that makes--even a few hours!
Also, on Monday I had an echocardiogram on my heart. My heart condition is what landed me in a high-risk practice in the first place, and we were really worried that it was going to be a problem, but so far I've been doing really well and haven't had many symptoms of congestive heart failure. The echo is my first since I've gotten pregnant, and it will show if my heart is dilated or weakened (the test would show it before the symptoms would). I haven't gotten the results yet, but they didn't call me right away, so I'm taking that as a good sign . I asked the echo tech how things looked but of course they're not allowed to say anything so he was very noncommital. He did say, "well there's a bit of a leaky valve" which is no surprise--it's been leaky since I was diagnosed, and I could see that for myself on the ultrasound screen. At the end I really wanted to grab the ultrasound wand and put it on my belly to get a glimpse of the baby, but I refrained . Any vibes for good test results would be greatly appreciated.