Babysitter Wants TV, Full-Time Working Mom Doesn't - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 66 Old 07-25-2012, 08:47 PM
 
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OP I understand where you're coming from, but as a mama who once had the hopes of TV-free but caved, I can tell you that I don't think 30 minutes a day is a big deal. For me, it was all day nausea with pregnancy when DS1 was a year and a half that made me resort to the screen. At the time I thought he was too young, and worried about his brain, but it was either a small amount of TV (so that I could lie down) or being in the bathroom all day unable to take care of him. Sometimes life disrupts your ideals and a small amount of screen time doesn't seem like too much of a sacrifice.

 

My kids, who are now older, can watch limited shows on the TV or on netflix that are parent-approved-- basically anything that's on PBS kids is alright with me and some of the cable network shows. When my kids were your daughter's age, I preferred shows that moved slowly, if that makes sense. Ones that ambled along at a peaceful pace and weren't all flashy and crazy. Some that I liked: Oswald, Max and Ruby, Kipper and Wonder Pets.


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#32 of 66 Old 07-25-2012, 08:52 PM
 
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LOL.....sorry! I am picturing them stuck in an apartment with the walls closing in!!  Sounds lovely. We are in an apt. so it's hard to think past this sometimes. For just 3 days a week your Mum probably feels as blessed as you do to have that special time. Hope you work out a way to keep all happy. My kids are 9,10 and 3 and I really don't think they need tv but I am with them 24/7 and "I' need it. I feel guilty sometimes. I wish we could be tv free. We were and I still strive towards it....sigh!


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#33 of 66 Old 07-25-2012, 08:54 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks loveandgarbage. I agree with you and I think that's the direction we're going. I really like this in particular: "Sometimes life disrupts your ideals." Although I know that, of course, sometimes being in the middle of a particular issue makes it hard to remember. Thanks also for the specific show recommendations.


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#34 of 66 Old 07-25-2012, 08:58 PM - Thread Starter
 
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LOL.....sorry! I am picturing them stuck in an apartment with the walls closing in!!  Sounds lovely. We are in an apt. so it's hard to think past this sometimes. For just 3 days a week your Mum probably feels as blessed as you do to have that special time. Hope you work out a way to keep all happy. My kids are 9,10 and 3 and I really don't think they need tv but I am with them 24/7 and "I' need it. I feel guilty sometimes. I wish we could be tv free. We were and I still strive towards it....sigh!

 

LOL, don't be sorry--I suspect I made it sound like that in my original post! Don't feel guilty--everyone here who has reminded me how hard it is to get through that long day is right, and I only have one!


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#35 of 66 Old 07-25-2012, 09:17 PM
 
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Another thought- how about adding videos for some specific purpose?  At that age my kids LOVED Signing Time and the signing really helped with toddler frustration too.  Or there are some cute foreign language videos out too.  Maybe if you could see it as *adding* something for your daughter instead of just the negative of the screen time it might help.

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#36 of 66 Old 07-26-2012, 07:46 AM
 
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I think the real issue is the lack of car or transportation for your mom.  As others have said, I would have a real problem with not being able to go anyplace, day after after day.   If your mom was able to have a car to use, I think that would alleviate some of the desire for TV.  When my children were that age, we had a good routine going of going out in the mornings (playdates, errands, the park, the zoo, LLL, etc.) and then coming home for lunch and a 2-3 hour nap, which gave me a nice break.

 

Until you are able to buy a 2nd car, what about your mom dropping you or your dh off at work (depending on who works closer and the hours fit better) and picking you/him up again.  That way she has the car to go places, and even just the dropping off/picking up can add some nice routine to the day.  We've been a one-car family at various times and that is what I have done and it worked well.  Having access to a car, totally made the extra driving worth it for me. Of course, that wouldn't work if both of you have a long commute or need the car for work, but if not...I think it could work out nicely, at least temporarily.
 


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#37 of 66 Old 07-26-2012, 08:13 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Another thought- how about adding videos for some specific purpose?

 

That's a great idea. Maybe a dance/singing video. Great suggestion, thanks.

 

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When my children were that age, we had a good routine going of going out in the mornings (playdates, errands, the park, the zoo, LLL, etc.) and then coming home for lunch and a 2-3 hour nap, which gave me a nice break.

 

This is basically their routine right now, since in the warm weather they're able to walk to playdates and playgrounds. DD plays really hard and when they get back DD takes a two- or three-hour nap. Having her drop us off is a really good idea, but unfortunately doesn't work for our situation. DH already has to drop me off for my train ride before driving himself to his work, which is far away from public transportation. When we started the babysitting my dad didn't have a job for which he needed the car, so we're kind of trying to work out the transportation kinks right now. DD and my mom are both really happy with their situation right now, but I think my mom is nervous about how they will occupy their time in the colder weather (I should have made that clearer), so I'm rushing to get the car situation taken care of before then. Thanks for the ideas.


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#38 of 66 Old 07-26-2012, 08:51 AM
 
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For a below market price childcare arrangement with a loving and flexible family member, I would absolutely take the blow of half an hour of tv a day.  As a working parent, there are so many hills you can stake out and die on, but my experience is that, even with the greatest commitment in the world to screen free for your family, you are unlikely to wind up in a better position on this particular issue.  You could find another childcare arrangement, trade your whole paycheck for it, and then discover that the daycare has gotten a grant to bring iPads into the toddler classroom and your kid is playing Angry Birds during what you had thought was going to be naptime.  And also that you're paying overtime charges by the minute every time you get stuck in traffic, and have to stay home every time the daycare thinks she has pinkeye, and about a million other things that make life much harder.

 

There are lots of ways to manage screen access and restrict your child's viewing of commercials, and media you don't approve of.  You can present them to your mom as a means of guaranteeing that your daughter won't push a button and wind up watching CSI: SVU.  A Roku or something would provide max flex for your mom (watch what you agree is okay, at the best possible time for her and DD, without commercials), and you may be able to limit what content delivery comes in by it - I haven't set mine up that way, but would anyone else know?

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#39 of 66 Old 07-26-2012, 08:56 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for those ideas. I'll have to look into a Roku. I am definitely decided based on everyone's responses that if my mother still feels like TV-free activities I provide for them aren't enough in the fall, I will most certainly condone the half-hour. Previous responses have made me realize I was being short-sighted. Thanks everyone for the help.


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#40 of 66 Old 07-26-2012, 05:39 PM
 
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The funniest part of this whole thing is that you probably have one of those kids who won't even stop moving when the tv comes on, so all this is for nothing :)

 

Personally, I'd let it go.  It's nice to have a perfect ideal plan, but life isn't really like that.  She's not insisting on pop tarts and frosting for breakfast lunch and dinner, it's Sesame Street.  

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#41 of 66 Old 07-26-2012, 10:07 PM
 
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It's been a while since I had a young child, but what about DVDs from the library? There used to be some with kid songs that encouraged 'dancing' (really moving while standing in place). That would give your mother a break and your child some exercise.
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#42 of 66 Old 07-26-2012, 10:26 PM
 
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I haven't read the whole thread, and perhaps someone else has mentioned it already but you ALWAYS have other options! When I was a nanny I worked for 2 families simultaneously and it was beautiful! Both families had only 1 child at the time about 18 months apart and we had a blast and I was so bonded with those kids and families!! From my experience $200/wk for child care isn't meager. I don't know where you live, but if I had 2 families paying me that I'd be ecstatic. So just cuz you feel that your budget is tight doesn't mean you can't get creative. Even if you only did a nanny share a few days a week it might be enough of a break for your mom that the stress between you over child care resolves. Good Luck!!


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#43 of 66 Old 07-28-2012, 01:35 AM
 
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I only skimmed through the replies, but here is my two cents (take it how you will).

If your mom continues to provide daycare and has to have screen time for a break, I would personally rather my DD see 1/2 hour of a video than 1/2 hour of TV (you can get videos that are specifically 1/2 an hour, for example, so it doesn't creep up and up, and you'd also avoid the advertising, which is worse than the shows in my opinion). I really liked the singing and dancing video suggestion by a PP.

Daycare costs go down pretty dramatically here when a kid turns two. The neighborhood daycare down the street from my house is $30/day -- the woman who runs it has been doing it 30 years, and they go on an excursion every day, get to interact with other kids (but it's small, which I like -- she only has 4 kiddos), and don't watch TV or videos. You might have more options in your budget when your DD turns two. I think she could still get plenty of grandma time (and it would really be more like grandma time and less like a job from which your mom would need a break) if your mom watched her for date night, or even if your DD went to daycare part time and then your mom had her one or two days a week.

Good luck working this out. I think your concerns here are valid (and I would be very concerned about them being cooped up in the house all day, all week). I think dealing with differences with a DCP is tricky anyway, and then add in that it's your mom and it's even sticker.

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#44 of 66 Old 07-28-2012, 10:36 AM
 
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Hi, 

 

I haven't read the whole thread, but I skimmed it. I am a bit surprised that there is not more support for op, most of us do agtee that less is more for screentime, yes?

 

op, i am reading a lot about non violent communication and family effectiveness training. i see the problem as your mom wants a break from babystting because it's exhausting for her. (as it is for most people lol.gif) she wants to use tv for her break. you don't want your daughter to watch tv. which is totally valid, and it would still be valid if every other person on earth would watch tv and it would be totally healthy. whatever mischievous.gif

 

the question should be (as I see it) - why does your mom (or your babysitter - whichever role you prefer) does need the tv? She wants the tv break as a break? or does she believe that it would be fun for her granddaughter and she is missing out without tv? 

 

When you figured out why your mom wants the tv, you can start on working on that. If she needs the break, is there a way to get a break in a different way? How experienced is she with little toddlers and their entertainment? Maybe a couple of suggestions to keep her busy or calming techniques to get her to quiet down a bit like meditation music or something like that? Or whatever. As I said, as soon as you know, why she wants it, you can work with that. 

 

I  don't think you have to "win" and pressure your mom into no-tv, as well as I don't think that your mom needs to win. I think there are more solutions to this question. 

 

What do you think? 


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#45 of 66 Old 07-28-2012, 03:22 PM
 
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Thanks for those ideas. I'll have to look into a Roku. I am definitely decided based on everyone's responses that if my mother still feels like TV-free activities I provide for them aren't enough in the fall, I will most certainly condone the half-hour. Previous responses have made me realize I was being short-sighted. Thanks everyone for the help.

 

I'm glad you've come around on this. Staying home with a toddler is exhausting. Staying home with a toddler is even harder when you're a bit older. I'm only 46, but I've felt a huge change in how long it takes me to bounce back from being exhausted in the last 2-3 years. I used to be able to stay up late for work, get about 6 hours of sleep and be OK until the weekend when I could catch up on sleep. Not any more. I was really promoting TV free before 2, but dh was home with the kids. We made it until 2 with ds, and only about 18 months with with dd. The pressure of dh trying to get work done (he works from home) and the needs of the kids just didn't balance.

 

So in addition to thinking of activities your mom can do with your daughter, think about other things that will give your mom a break. Unfortunately, 1 year olds have the attention span of a flea (10 minutes on one activity is sometimes a long time), so she's in the most exhausting stage of child care. Is there a neighborhood teenager would would come in for an hour in the afternoon to give your mom a break a couple days a week?

 

I don't know where you are, but $800 a month would pay for decent childcare in my area, certainly an in-home daycare. Are there any sliding scale places? If you investigate, you might be able to find a place that would work for you and then you'd be able to use your mom as 'back up' care for when your daughter gets sick, or whatever. I think it's worth spending some serious time investigating on this. You might find that fees go down at age 3, and so you could talk to your mom about doing this for one more year, and then you'll have another solution, if you can. Often good places with reasonable fees have long waiting lists, so getting on a waiting list now would be a good thing.


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#46 of 66 Old 07-28-2012, 06:08 PM
 
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Well I see that you have already made a decision but I'm going to go ahead and throw in my worthless opinion anyway.  :)

 

Let me get this straight...you pay your mother (btw, an amount that a nanny would kill for around here!), she only has your daughter part-time, they get plenty of time out of the house, and your daughter takes regular naps?!

 

What I see is not a case of your mother needing a break so much as possibly feeling judged by your making different decisions as a mother than she did.  You're paying her.  If you say NO screen time, than it should be NO screen time.

 

But I see you've made a choice to allow it, and that makes you a much better daughter than most.  :)  Best wishes!


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#47 of 66 Old 07-28-2012, 07:55 PM
 
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$200 a week and she's family?  yeah i would find someone else to be honest.


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#48 of 66 Old 07-29-2012, 07:36 PM
 
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Are you kidding me? OP is paying $5 an hour for one on one care. This is less than minimal wage.

When I had nanny 15 years we paid $15. I think it is probably 20-25 in my area now plus paid vacation time.

 

If non family offered me $5 a hour to take care of my child I would not let them. If someone values their labor so little, how much will they value the one who is most previous to me?

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#49 of 66 Old 07-29-2012, 08:02 PM
 
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We are Waldorf-inspired homeschoolers... but we do some screen time. Particularly with grandparents and sitters, I cut slack on media (and sweets) limits, because honestly, the relationship with the grandparents, and having a good experience with sitters is more important to me.

 

I would focus more on keeping TV-free until age 2, and then on the content of the video instead. DVDs may indeed be easier, and may actually be easier for your mother--no station breaks (even PBS does little "things" in between shows that always interrupted my kids attention and they would wander off; if your mom wants it for a break, DVDs are smoother than TV). You can also control what she watches a bit more then. My kids loved Maisy, Miffy, Mr. Rogers, and parts of things like the Westminster dog show. (I think the dog show might be the first video my daughter watched!) Maisy and Miffy are short and toddler-friendly. Mr. Rogers content will go over a 2 year old's head mostly, but be neat to watch, no fast editing, and more "real-world" than many cartoons. Sesame Street was a hit for my son, but was a bit loud, jarring, and fast-edited for my daughter. She didn't like it. 

 

On the watching videos of you and her, that actually seems to help my kids too, and they're older. DD kept a few videos of the family hugging and waving on her camera and watched them at night at sleep away camp to combat homesickness. According to her, that worked much better than the printed photos she had the year before. They like doing video chat with DH when he's overseas too. You can always try that kind of thing if you want to see one another mid-day, Skype or something similar from your office if it's allowed. Might work for a break for your mom and be a nice bonding thing for you and your daughter to "eat lunch" together virtually. 


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#50 of 66 Old 07-29-2012, 08:10 PM
 
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The funniest part of this whole thing is that you probably have one of those kids who won't even stop moving when the tv comes on, so all this is for nothing :)

 

Oh, but also, this!


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#51 of 66 Old 07-30-2012, 07:59 AM
 
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$200 a week and she's family?  yeah i would find someone else to be honest.

Yeah when I was doing childcare in my home (and providing food, diapers etc for them) I was paid $600 per month. And the mom was constantly trying to make it lower and lower until I just had to stop when she insisted she couldn't pay more than $500 per month. I would have been ecstatic for $800 per month.

 

On the issue of TV. My youngest was TV & screen free until he was 3 and DS2 was almost 2. Now, 2 years later, they watch an hour of TV at the most per day and it actually has helped them a bit. For some reason they learned counting and alphabet better from Big Bird than they would from me going through books etc with them. That said, most of their playtime is outside on our swing set, going through work book (school for pre K and kinder), playing with our puppy and reading the easier books we have in their bookshelf.

 

It is a personal choice and I know how a situation like this can put a strain on all the relationships in the house (you & your mother, for me since the lady whose child I was watching was DH's friend and co worker it strained his relationship with her and mine with him). Good luck in all you do!


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#52 of 66 Old 07-30-2012, 11:11 AM
 
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You are the parent and you must make the choices about how to raise your child. If your mom cannot provide the childcare you need you simply need to find another provider or reduce the hours she acts as the provider. I absolutely, wouldn't allow it and I would be grossly offended by her framing the matter as "something she is going to fight for." This would be a hill to die on for me. My kids are tv-free and you know what, it really isn't a big deal with a quality provider.

 

In all honestly, I really doubt this is about her firm belief that DD needs TV. She probably wants and needs a break during the day. I don't know her overall age, health, or willingness but full time child care is intense and I can understand it. A lot of people would find 2 a lot more challenging than the baby years. Have you looked at other, part-time options like moms day out programs or can you commit to part-time preschool at 3 with your mom covering the other times or some days of day care and some days of mom or shifting your work hours.

 

We have a full time nanny and rules were clear when we hired you. And it was an EXCELLENT way to weed out the good nannies from the lazy ones.

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#53 of 66 Old 07-30-2012, 06:10 PM
 
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I would not make am issue of half an hour of TV. My dd watches a lot more TV than I am comfortable with ay my mother's house, even now that she is nine, but she also has always gone on long walks, played in parks, done a ton of crafts, taken care of the animals, read, done community activities, etc
.. They do more each week than even a high quality daycare would, she is happier than she is in daycare, and I really haven't noticed any ill effects and it will never be my hill to die on. When you are a new mom.with a young child everything seems like it will always be a big deal.and lime it is something you have to fight for, especially when you are trying to show your mom that you are the adult and mother now. I suggest continuing to be careful to reflect on how big an issue really is before acting on it. Ime the issues I viewed as big and permanent when my dd was two are silly to me now and I regret the fights I started over them.
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#54 of 66 Old 07-30-2012, 06:33 PM
 
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Being TV can be hard at times...for the adult. For the children they don't know any different. 

 

Your mother's investment in your child is priceless. So I would tell your mother half an hour and that is it. I would be clear that you don't want it to turn into more.

 

PS I can't believe this is a debate TV=FREE 

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#55 of 66 Old 07-30-2012, 06:42 PM
 
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It sounded to me like the original poster was open to a compromise, which is why I suggested the singing and dancing DVD.
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#56 of 66 Old 07-30-2012, 10:14 PM
 
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I just want to chime in and support your desire to avoid any screen time for your daughter at this age.  My understanding is that part of the reason that the AAP recommends no screen time for the under-2's is because of a snowball effect.  If your 9 month old watches a 20 minute video on a regular basis, your 18 month old may begin demanding/expecting to watch more (and more and more...)  We stuck to that guideline for our oldest, and when she turned two, it seemed very odd to suddenly start allowing it.  How different was she on her second birthday than she had been two months prior?  Because we were in the habit of not allowing screen time, it was easy for us to maintain.  She still doesn't even watch TV weekly.  Most of her viewing time comes when she has a sleep over at Gram and Pa's.  Our younger daughter is 21 months, and it hasn't been a problem to keep her screen free.  So, keep striving for that!  It's not impossible.

 

Another point I really think you should pin down why your mom wants TV.  This was mentioned upthread, and I think it's a really important point.  Is it because she needs a break/she's bored with toddler things?  Is it because she thinks it would be fun to watch Sesame Street with your daughter? (I like Sesame Street - lots of nostalgia there) Or is it because she's offended by your TV ban/feels judged by it/thinks you're overreacting? If it's the first or the third, I say stick to your desires and brainstorm other ideas.  If she'd just enjoy watching with your daughter, I'd consider letting her with strict limits that you feel comfortable with (which shows, how much time, etc.)

 

Good Luck!

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#57 of 66 Old 07-31-2012, 02:12 AM
 
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Originally Posted by mamalisa View Post

The funniest part of this whole thing is that you probably have one of those kids who won't even stop moving when the tv comes on, so all this is for nothing :)

That was my thought too.  We were never screen free, but at two my children really wouldn't sit and watch tv at age 2, although my younger one was more likely to.

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#58 of 66 Old 08-01-2012, 07:11 AM
 
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There are just a few things that I noticed in your post. It was the way this has always rubbed your mum up the wrong way. This suggests to me that she is not entirely happy with your parenting. Also the fact that you pay her $200 a WEEK, it is not a small amount of money.

 

Although I can understand you wanting to pay her something. This just seems like a lot of money to me, when it is family, let alone your mother. I wouldn't dare charge my DS's money to watch my grandchildren and I certainly wouldn't take that much money.

 

I can understand your mum needs a break in the day. Heck, I do, my DS is watching a movie right now. We were TV free until he was 2 1/2, with just the occasional wildlife documentary or approved kids DVD.

 

I guess I'm just trying to say and badly, sorry about that, but there seems more going on than a TV issue.

 

Wishing you lots of luck on this.

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#59 of 66 Old 08-02-2012, 10:07 AM
 
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Are you kidding me? OP is paying $5 an hour for one on one care. This is less than minimal wage.

When I had nanny 15 years we paid $15. I think it is probably 20-25 in my area now plus paid vacation time.

 

If non family offered me $5 a hour to take care of my child I would not let them. If someone values their labor so little, how much will they value the one who is most previous to me?

this is not a nanny situation.  OP drops her DD off at her Mom's house and the mom doesnt take her out of the house or to any kind of activities.  maybe childcare is more in CA but here in MO it's about $85-100 a week for that and does not include any kind of "family/friend discount"  my x takes ds2 to his sisters house 3 days a week and he pays her $25 a week. 

 

if i was paying someone $200 a week i would expect them to respect my wishes


Unassisted birthing, atheist, poly, bi WOHM to 4 wonderful, smart homeschooling kids Wes (14) Seth (7) Pandora Moonlilly (2) and Nevermore Stargazer (11/2012)  Married to awesome SAH DH.

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#60 of 66 Old 08-03-2012, 09:52 PM
 
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IDK that is what she asked for.  my friend pays her sitter $50/week for full time care and my other friend charges $85/week. 

 

im sure $200 a week is a steal in CA but like i said here in MO it's unheard of for non nanny childcare.  my friend had a nanny and she didnt get paid, she only got free room an board

 

and i maintain that the OP has a right to say no TV and her childcare provider needs to respect that. 


Unassisted birthing, atheist, poly, bi WOHM to 4 wonderful, smart homeschooling kids Wes (14) Seth (7) Pandora Moonlilly (2) and Nevermore Stargazer (11/2012)  Married to awesome SAH DH.

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