How many beers a night is acceptable? - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 28 Old 08-03-2009, 02:31 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Ok, so my "babies daddy" usually drinks about 4 beers a night, some more, some less. I find this scary as I don't want him turning into an alcoholic. When I say something about it, he acts like I'm being a prude. He says this is normal in every drinking household. I say a couple beers is "normal." I'm scared because he denies how much he drinks every night, even though I'm right there watching him. I do not like his attitude when he gets three beers in him either. Hes harder to get along with. What should I do without sounding like a nag, and how much drinking is ok? We can't exactly afford a six pack a day habit either.
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#2 of 28 Old 08-03-2009, 02:55 AM
 
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I think that you are right to be concerned, personally.

What have you tried so far? Would simple facts work at all? You could either go the $ route (with, perhaps a "reward" for not drinking with the money saved--- we have a friend who's DP gave up soft drinks for a year and got a 52" TV with the savings! 3-6 beers a day definately adds up to a lot of money!).

You could also go a simple information route:

http://alcoholism.about.com/cs/about/f/faq13.htm

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Recomme...olic_beverages

I looked at several pages and they seemd to say an average of 2 drinks max per day for an adult male. The 2nd source (wikipedia) there says 14 drinks/week with up to 4 in one day is fine, beyond that is not.

You could also come from an "I love you" perspective. Even if the alcohol level is not a problem (which I think it is, but he obviously does not) you can argue that you want him to be his best and healthiest so you will be together and for a long time and he will be there for your baby. This is what I am attempting to do with DP & diet soda intake (let me make this clear, this is a 14+ can DAILY habit he has).

Good luck!

 

 

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#3 of 28 Old 08-03-2009, 03:13 AM
 
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I guess it depends on your culture. Is he drinking American beer? Frankly, when I used to drink alcohol (I don't any more), I could have drank an entire 6 pack of American beer everyday and never felt it. To me, that stuff is like water.

4 beers a night of American beer, to me, seems like nothing at all. No offense to any American beer aficionados. I'm used to beer from Europe, so the first time I tried American it tasted like water to me. And had the same affect.

European beer and Canadian beer, are much stronger. Like double the strength of American. So, 4 beers there and you're drinking too much.

Also, what culture is he from? In my family having a drink after work, and then one to two glasses of wine at dinner everyday is the norm. No one is an alcoholic. No one even gets remotely drunk. I'm from eastern Europe, though. Enough said.

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#4 of 28 Old 08-03-2009, 04:27 AM
 
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It depends how many standard drinks he's having which depends on the alcohol content and the volume. In Australia, 2 standard drinks per day is considered ok (from a health point of view this is), more than 4 is binge drinking. I think a stubbie of standard Oz beer is 1.5 standard drinks but I don't know if this is the same in the US, sorry.

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#5 of 28 Old 08-03-2009, 06:41 AM
 
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If he is drinking because he needs it, then it's too much, regardless of the number.

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#6 of 28 Old 08-03-2009, 08:50 AM
 
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Yep if it is an every night thing it's way too much, people should not drink every day.

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#7 of 28 Old 08-03-2009, 09:04 AM
 
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This sounds like classic alcoholic behavior. Spending more than you can afford on alcohol, getting defensive about his habit, and denying how much he drinks are all red flags.

If he is drinking every night to the point that his behavior becomes unacceptable then he should be able to cut back for the sake of your relationship, regardless of whether or not he thinks his drinking is normal. If he is unable to do this, he has an addiction.

Give him information and offer your support. Remember, though, that the only person who can stop his drinking is HIM. Recovery is a long and difficult road and the biggest roadblock is that first one- admitting you have a problem. Many people have to hit rock bottom before they can do this.

Meanwhile, you have a right to protect yourself and a responsibility to protect your children. As the child of an alcoholic I can tell you, growing up with an alcoholic parent is not growing up at all.

Nik! Mama to Evelynn Rose 08/19/08 and Autumn Lily 11/02/10
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#8 of 28 Old 08-03-2009, 09:34 AM
 
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I just returned 12 empty bottles of beer on Saturday 'cause we finished the last one.

We bought the 12-pack in May.

I think if it's every single night, that's quite a lot!

~ Mum to Emily, March 12-16 2004, Noah, born Aug 2005, Liam, born January 2011, and wife to Carl since 1994. ~
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#9 of 28 Old 08-03-2009, 09:55 AM
 
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Originally Posted by KirstenMary View Post
If he is drinking because he needs it, then it's too much, regardless of the number.
:

Also, to me, 4 a night sounds like a lot (and expensive!), and I come from a family where we drink with most dinners.
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#10 of 28 Old 08-03-2009, 10:15 AM
 
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My Dh will have one or two beers (european variety, not american watery type) a night OR a glass of wine or two. When we're not at home or something, he doesn't go searching for alcohol to drink, and he almost never gets drunk (occasionally he and my dad get drinking : ). We both are into wine/beer tasting, though... to us it's more like an epicurean thing than an all-about-the-alcohol thing... if that makes sense? Usually it's with dinner... or a dessert beer/wine after dinner... something like that.

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#11 of 28 Old 08-03-2009, 12:08 PM
 
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Originally Posted by KirstenMary View Post
If he is drinking because he needs it, then it's too much, regardless of the number.
I agree.

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#12 of 28 Old 08-03-2009, 12:30 PM
 
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If you're afraid he'll become an alcoholic, then my suggestion is you start looking into Alanon for yourself NOW because chances are he may already be and there is nothing you can do about it and learining what you CAN do now is better than done the road when the sh*t hits the fan.

This is just my experience- I've BTDT and the help I've recieved from Alanon has helped w/every aspect of my life.

Hugs mama- you might have a very hard road ahead of you!

To answer your ?s-1) there is nothing you can do w/o sounding like a nag- alcoholics are beating themselves up inside WAY more than you'd ever imagine and the words we say just add to it and make him feel even worse-its a terrible cirlce. Its all his perception of whats going on .

2)How much drinking is ok is based on the individual. I myself think an occasional drink once a month is acceptable more than that is too much even if your not an alcoholic- just my OP. anyone that can not go w/o a drink has a problem.

Hugs again mama.
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#13 of 28 Old 08-03-2009, 12:35 PM
 
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I think it's the every night that's more worrysome.

My dad was an alchololic. He probably went through a 12 pack a night. It SUCKED living with an alchoholic. We had to "live around" him, very quietly, so as not to disturb him. If we made him mad, it caused him to drink more. Which was our fault. So, we made very sure to stay out of his way.
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#14 of 28 Old 08-03-2009, 12:46 PM
 
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I think it's the every night that's more worrysome.

My dad was an alchololic. He probably went through a 12 pack a night. It SUCKED living with an alchoholic. We had to "live around" him, very quietly, so as not to disturb him. If we made him mad, it caused him to drink more. Which was our fault. So, we made very sure to stay out of his way.
I just want to extend sympathy.
My mom used to go through a box of wine 3 or 4 times a week... I think "SUCKED" is an understatement.

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#15 of 28 Old 08-03-2009, 01:04 PM
 
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I would definitely say he's abusing alcohol and I would be very concerned about it.
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#16 of 28 Old 08-03-2009, 01:20 PM
 
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Any amount is too much if someone can't do without.

DF is a recovering alcoholic. They come in all shapes and sizes and types.

Not everyone who abuses gets raging drunk all the time and can't function.

Maybe you can go to an Al-Anon meeting? They may be able to give you some advice about whether your partner is at risk for alcoholism and some emotional tools for you to deal with it.

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#17 of 28 Old 08-03-2009, 02:16 PM
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It also depends on his weight. If he is skinny, 4 beers will affect him more than if he is fat.

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#18 of 28 Old 08-03-2009, 09:55 PM
 
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Originally Posted by vixenicolet View Post
Ok, so my "babies daddy" usually drinks about 4 beers a night, some more, some less. I find this scary as I don't want him turning into an alcoholic. When I say something about it, he acts like I'm being a prude. He says this is normal in every drinking household. I say a couple beers is "normal." I'm scared because he denies how much he drinks every night, even though I'm right there watching him. I do not like his attitude when he gets three beers in him either. Hes harder to get along with. What should I do without sounding like a nag, and how much drinking is ok? We can't exactly afford a six pack a day habit either.
There is no one who can give you an exact definition of how many beers a night is "acceptable." There is no such thing. When someone is overweight they can be 5 to 10 pounds overweight or they could be 50 or 100 pounds overweight. Unfortunately, with drinking, such a measure does not exist but it also falls on a continuum. The problem is that programs such as AA and al-anon assume that it is all the same thing, and it's not.
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#19 of 28 Old 08-03-2009, 11:10 PM
 
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I don't know where the OP is from, but for those saying that drinking daily is a sign of a problem ... please keep in mind that in European cultures (and many others) it's absolutely normal and common to drink daily. Especially with dinner or in the evenings. It's not a sign of impending alcoholism or addiction. It's just a cultural norm.

I don't think the OP said where her dh is from or what culture he adheres to.

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#20 of 28 Old 08-04-2009, 09:58 AM
 
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I don't know where the OP is from, but for those saying that drinking daily is a sign of a problem ... please keep in mind that in European cultures (and many others) it's absolutely normal and common to drink daily. Especially with dinner or in the evenings. It's not a sign of impending alcoholism or addiction. It's just a cultural norm.

I don't think the OP said where her dh is from or what culture he adheres to.
I'm glad you said this. I agree.
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#21 of 28 Old 08-04-2009, 10:04 AM
 
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Maybe you can go to an Al-Anon meeting? They may be able to give you some advice about whether your partner is at risk for alcoholism and some emotional tools for you to deal with it.
Sorry, but why do I doubt that people at an Al-Anon meeting would give objective advice about whether someone is at risk for alcoholism?
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#22 of 28 Old 08-04-2009, 12:55 PM
 
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Sorry, but why do I doubt that people at an Al-Anon meeting would give objective advice about whether someone is at risk for alcoholism?
Have you ever been to a meeting? Talked to someone who uses the support systems?

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#23 of 28 Old 08-04-2009, 01:33 PM
 
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I don't know where the OP is from, but for those saying that drinking daily is a sign of a problem ... please keep in mind that in European cultures (and many others) it's absolutely normal and common to drink daily. Especially with dinner or in the evenings. It's not a sign of impending alcoholism or addiction. It's just a cultural norm.

I don't think the OP said where her dh is from or what culture he adheres to.
I agree with this statement, but I think the more telling thing for the OP's significant other is his attitude towards his drinking and the behavior issues it's causing. I used to have a drinking problem myself and if drinking is causing a problem in a relationship, that usually means that there is some sort of drinking problem. This doesn't necessarily mean he's an alcoholic, but his attitude towards drinking needs to change. I quit drinking for a few years and was in therapy for my social anxiety (which was the root of my drinking problem) and now can drink moderately without any issues.

To sum up: If he can't not drink in the evening, he has an issue. If he can't, or won't, attempt to change his behavior even slightly to alleviate your concern, he has an issue. I would suggest going to Al-Anon too. I wouldn't necessarily ask for advice about whether he is an alcoholic, but you can glean some very helpful information and perhaps some support. I went to AA for a bit when I first quit drinking and didn't find the program as a whole something I needed (mostly because I wasn't an alcoholic in the eternal sense like some people are), but I was able to glean some good things from it and learned some things about myself.

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#24 of 28 Old 08-04-2009, 03:24 PM
 
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Have you ever been to a meeting? Talked to someone who uses the support systems?

I have definitely been to AA and Al-Anon meetings. Many times. My emphasis is on the word "objective." In my experience, if you go to a meeting and say, "there may be a problem" they will persuade you that there is one.
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#25 of 28 Old 08-05-2009, 09:39 PM
 
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Even if her dh is not an alcoholic Alanon is for people who have been AFFECTED by someone elses drinking- and she is being affected by his drinking. His attitude is bothering her and she should have a safe place to talk about this w/people who understand and have BTDT. That is what alanon is for- to share experience, strenght, and hope!

They don't need to presuade her- she has already stated there is a problem and it could just be w/her and her preception of the situation.No one but the alcoholic can say they are an alcoholic.

But it may all be pointless talking about it because in my exp those seeking help and then seeing others insisting their view point is the only one- tend to scare easily and go back to thinking nothing is wrong and it'll get better on its own. This may be a missed opportunity to help and support someone reaching out. Just my exp.
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#26 of 28 Old 08-06-2009, 02:53 AM
 
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we live in california. many years ago, dh visited oklahoma for a friends wedding. apparently, the legal limit of alcohol in one beer was around 2%. he said almost everyone he saw sat on their porch drinking beer all day because you can never drink enough to get a buzz.

i am a small woman, and i can easily put away 4 good beers a day (6-8% alcohol). am i an alcoholic? nope. i sometimes go weeks without drinking even a glass of wine. do i need alcohol to function? nope. i just enjoy tasty, cold beer.:

now if i lived in OK and wanted to get a buzz, i would probaly have to switch to hard alcohol!

i'm not downing OK or anything, in fact i would LOVE to travel there! i am simply repeating a story dh has told many, many times.
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#27 of 28 Old 08-06-2009, 02:58 AM
 
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dh and our friends were/are all working men - carpenters, painters, plumbers etc.,. it is not uncommon at the end of the day to drink a 6 or 12er of beer. your body gets very sore from this line of work.

but re-reading your post, if you don't like his attitude and if he is kind of in denial about the way he acts, i would critically evaluate your relationship. my sil (dh's sis) just filed for divorce after a hellish 6 1/2 year marriage with an alcoholic. she should have got out many years ago.
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#28 of 28 Old 08-06-2009, 10:33 PM
 
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Even if her dh is not an alcoholic Alanon is for people who have been AFFECTED by someone elses drinking- and she is being affected by his drinking. His attitude is bothering her and she should have a safe place to talk about this w/people who understand and have BTDT. That is what alanon is for- to share experience, strenght, and hope!

They don't need to presuade her- she has already stated there is a problem and it could just be w/her and her preception of the situation.No one but the alcoholic can say they are an alcoholic.

But it may all be pointless talking about it because in my exp those seeking help and then seeing others insisting their view point is the only one- tend to scare easily and go back to thinking nothing is wrong and it'll get better on its own. This may be a missed opportunity to help and support someone reaching out. Just my exp.
Yes. and a man could go into a meeting of VICTIMS OF OVER-EATERS and say that he has been affected by his wife's overeating and he wants her to be a certain weight because he doesn't find her attractive. And he has "already stated there is a problem with (his) perception of the situation". So that makes it valid.

**WHY do people feel they have the right to diagnose someone that they don't know and have never met on the basis of a post here? It's like the Salem Witch Trials.
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