Not seeing eye to eye with my H on "health and healing" - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 5 Old 11-10-2011, 12:42 AM - Thread Starter
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The more that time passes, the more natural minded I'm becoming. Our kids still see a pediatrician when they are sick (not just a cold), but I try to treat things naturally as a first line of defense. I also do my best to make sure they eat as healthy as possible, limiting their junk food intake, buying organic, etc.


Today, I realized that my H is just not on the same page. He's home during the day so I don't get to choose what they eat. The only thing I ask him to do is give them a fruit or veggie with every meal- he rarely does. I have also mentioned not giving them sugar when they are sick.


My son has a horrible, wet cough that started Sunday. He woke himself up coughing last night, and apparently did that again for nap today. My husband called me and said, "I know you're anti-medication", but DS has been coughing so much and I'm worried about him. Can I give him some benadryl?" I'm NOT anti-medication. I am anti-medicateforeverythingallthetime, and I am frustrated that he doesn't realize that. It hurt my feelings that he thought he was being respectful to me by asking me that, when really it just offended me. If he is unsure if our kids need something, sure, ask me, but he felt like he did and was concerned that his "anti-medication" wife would get upset because he gave our kid benadryl. :(


Then, I saw that our babysitter bought some yogurt that's just full of crap, including aspartame. My kids eat fruity cheerios and have regular snacks, but I don't want them having aspartame. (i'm also trying to go dye free, but I'm taking baby steps). Anyway, me saying that I wish she wouldn't bring that junk in the house caused him to give me a comment...again something about me being "anti-everything".


It just breaks my heart that their health and well being is really important to me and he doesn't get where I'm coming from- I don't think I'm extreme with it; as a matter of fact, reading some of the posts on here makes me realize how "mainstream" we are, but I'm trying. I am making a conscious effort to give our kids a healthier lifestyle than I grew up with. I read labels, I reasearch things, I explore alternative treatment, etc. And he just doesn't seem to give what we feed them or put on them or how much tv they watch a second thought.


I don't know how to talk to him about this. He's reasonable, a great guy, loves our kids, very involved and attentive in other ways- just so "whatever" about what they eat and what chemicals they are exposed to. He subtly makes me feel like I'm crazy for caring about this stuff.

"Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect." ~Mark Twain


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#2 of 5 Old 11-19-2011, 11:45 AM
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Sorry to hear you're going through this.  Except for the fact that I'm the primary caregiver for our 2 year old daughter, I feel similarly.  I often tell my husband that he is permissive, but not supportive.  He pretty much just goes along with whatever I do, but he is pretty conscientious of what he feeds her, too.  But, if the going gets tough, he'll make an inferior choice instead of spending too much time thinking.  I think the real problem is that he doesn't read the things I do so he doesn't have the information.


If we're in a situation that's "tough", he'll say things like, "Well, a little bit won't kill her."  Or when we're around family he kind of just laughs with them at my efforts to eat a different (whole foods) diet than the (processed) one we were raised on.


I'm trying to do better at explaining why I do certain things than just making casual comments or complaining about what someone else is doing.  Like you, I'm the one who has changed so I try to remember that.  And, I have to remind myself that I do the hard things because they're important things.


It's tough when someone brings something into your house.  We deal with this with my mother who will bring in soft drinks (for her consumption only) and processed snacks.  If she leaves anything, it gets thrown out.  And, I do make casual comments about not eating things in front of DD that we don't want her to eat.  Does the sitter bring in the yogurt just for herself?  Could you mention that she should only bring enough for her serving and/or take home what's leftover?  If your children are old enough, could you begin teaching your children about the dangers of aspartame (or whatever it happens to be at the time)?  I'm hanging on to hope that one day soon my daughter will be helping me teach DH this stuff!


Sometimes I, myself, wonder if I'm crazy for caring so much, but then I remember that I do the hard things because they're important things.  Do you have or can you find some like-minded people for support....a playgroup, for example?  Also, La Leche League meetings are often led by and attended by women who believe in eating a varied diet of whole foods in as close to their natural state as possible.


Hang in there, Mama!  You're doing the hard things because they're the important things!  And, I bet your husband is picking up on this stuff.  Do you ever get any moments to be "proud" of him?  It's hard, but it's worth it! 

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#3 of 5 Old 11-19-2011, 12:11 PM
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It sounds to me like there is a disconnect somewhere. It's none of my business, but are there problems elsewhere in your marriage? The fact that he says things like, "I know you are anti-medication, but...." and doesnt respect the fruit/veggie request makes me think that he's not understanding where you are coming from and that he thinks you are in a "stage".

Although I am the primary care giver at our house, DH and I usually make parenting decisions together, and if one of us slides back on something the other person usually reminds the slider of the decision that has been made.

I suggest you ask him to talk sometime when the kids are in bed or occupied and let him know that you want to talk about how the decisions are being made and try to form some basic things that you can agree on and stick to.

Go grocery shopping together, with the kids and make sure to go to a health food store with him (so that he can see that its not just you, there are tons of people who dont want chemicals in all their food and look towards natural methods of healing.)
I would make one day a week a day that you (and hopefully him) cook up a bunch of stuff. On Sundays I typically cook two cups of each quineoa, brown rice, split peas, lentils, and black beans (all separately) and put them in containers in the fridge to use as ingredients throughout the week. This keeps me from thinking "oh, dd needs something for me to cook with no effort and fast" (mac n cheese). Mac and cheese is totally okay in my book, but not everyday. In the summer I will saute up some peppers and tomatoes and ju
st have them to add to any dish that I am getting ready to make. This way, when he goes to make them lunch, he can warm up some of that stuff and just add to it.

What does he usually feed them? In my house, I know that if I buy packaged food we will eat it- we have no self control. So the easiest way around that is to just not buy it. Also, when I made the switch to getting rid of all the boxes and packaging as soon as it came home (I store all of our food in see through containers, usually old classico spaghetti jars because the lids fit regular mason jars too) it became VERY apparent to my husband how expensive packaged food was. A box of wheat thins wont fill up a quart sized jar, but the amount of lentils that will fill the same space will feed us 3-4 more times than the wheat thins will. Thats how I convinced DH not to eat so much crap.
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#4 of 5 Old 11-19-2011, 06:08 PM
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This is an interesting thread.  I am a 'whole foods' eater in my house... and I'm the only one:)  My DH thinks & behaves very different than I and he makes it clear that he will NOT be making the same food choices as me.  He also is half the parenting force of our (1) child. 


This creates a difficult situation in that we literally do eat very different food.  It is funny that we have been able to come together in a unique way and everyone's needs get met.  The biggest downfall (from my point of view) is that my DD eats many foods that are processed and also plenty of sugar.  My DH does too, but I feel differently about the choices he makes for himself as opposed to the choices he helps my DD make. 


I had to come to a decision several years ago that our differing opinions and behaviors surrounding food were not cause for constant arguing or constant berating (my way is right and you are wrong type attitude.)  THere is something to be said for balance and a varied, dynamic experience surrounding food choices.


I lead by example (I follow a strict paleo diet); try to instill solid ideas about food (''real" food vs "processed" food); always have healthy choices available (always a veggie garden, fresh eggs, and make homemade traditional foods); and encourage my daughter to make healthy choices at mealtimes & when she is really hungry; and to always 'listen' to her body when it comes to quantity.


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#5 of 5 Old 11-20-2011, 08:05 AM
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No suggestions just commiseration. Hubby also loves processed foods. Our household is also pretty mainstream although I'm also hoping to change that gradually.

Mama to Blake, 6, and Grant, 4

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