Freaking Out--Cancer Dx - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 6 Old 02-18-2012, 05:31 PM - Thread Starter
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Hi everyone,


I am a regular MDC user, but I know too many people IRL and signed up with a new account just now so I can post anonymously.  My DH (45) was diagnosed with prostate cancer last week  At first, we were handling things okay, and actually, he still seems to be.  I am FREAKING out right now and don't feel I have a proper outlet.  My DH is adamant that we not share this news with anyone right now.  He told a trusted friend/colleague who went through this a couple of years ago, but that's it.  Luckily, this guy hooked us up with a top notch surgeon in a bigger city about 4 hours away.  We wouldn't have known about this guy without the recommendation & we are comfortable with the treatment decision.  I know I'm rambling. sorry....


So, we're keeping the news under wraps just now.  He (and I) tend to be more private about things, so I do get this attitude.  Our town is as dinky as you can get and thrives on gossip this time of year--esp this time of year-- so I'm on board with keeping things quiet.  We have not told our 3 (young) kids, nor any family members.  Quite frankly, my parents will be so over the top with anxiety that they will be just be an additional people that I will feel the need to be be strong and supportive for...I'm feeling that's in short supply just now.


So anyway, PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT tell me about your grandparents, uncles, fathers....  PM me if you have been through this with a DH/SO.  Give me some good (cheap! legal!) ways to relax, stress bust, whatever. The sexual ramifications of this disease are really, really hard to wrap my head around.  DH and I are really open with eachother about our concerns/thoughts, etc... but I feel like I need to be stronger for him than I actually am.  We have to act all normal around the kids...I don't feel like we can even have a real conversation privately.


What can I do to stress bust?  I am needing some support, but the forums dealing with prostate cancer tend to be older people and full of stories that are way too distressing for me just now.  I fell well informed about the realities, I just don't want to get more worried than I need to be right now.


Thanks for listening to me vent.  Believe it or not, just doing this is good.


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#2 of 6 Old 02-24-2012, 02:32 PM
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I am not the spouse of a cancer patient, I am the cancer survivor. I was diagnosed with a rare pregnancy related cancer in September and did not tell anyone about it for months. I could not handle other people's drama and how my cancer made them feel. There is no way I was capable of putting other people's mind at ease when I was terrified myself. We also chose not to tell our children. Finally, when I started chemo, we were forced to tell because I was so sick. So my point is, I understand why your DH doesn't want to tell anyone. I also understand how difficult it is for you to not be able to talk about it with anyone. There will come a time during his treatment that you will not have a choice but to tell so be prepared.


I have just a couple of suggestions: 1) Contact the surgeon's office and ask if there are support groups. Even attending one meeting could help you not feel so isolated. Maybe you could coordinate one of his appointments with the support group meeting since it is 4 hours away from your home.  2) Knowledge is power, for me at least. I found comfort in researching treatment and learning everything I possibly could about the disease. Knowing possible treatments in advance helped me not feel so out of control at my Oncologist appointments. 3) Consider seeing a therapist who can help you with your feelings and help you in supporting him.


I wish I had more concrete ways to help you through the days, weeks and months ahead. The most important thing you can do for your dh is take care of yourself.


I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Cancer sucks!

Wife of 20 years to my superhero firefighting DH. SAHM to 2 boys and 2 girls (3 babies in Heaven- Baby # 5 5/2010 & Baby #6 8/2011 & Baby # 7 2/1013). Cancer Survivor 2011 ( Persistent Malignant Gestational Trophoblastic Disease)

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#3 of 6 Old 02-25-2012, 05:04 AM - Thread Starter
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Thank you so much for writing.  I can't even begin to imagine all you have been through....  The suggestions are all appreciated.  Peace and wellness to you and your family.

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#4 of 6 Old 02-26-2012, 09:46 AM
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Originally Posted by pauletoy View Post

There will come a time during his treatment that you will not have a choice but to tell so be prepared.



This is not necessarily true for prostate cancer that was detected early.  Chemo is not always necessary and I have a close family member who hid his prostate cancer from absolutely everyone except me.  In fact, although he has been cancer free for about five years, he still has told no one about it.  He had radiation seeds (no surgery and no chemo) and he has no lasting effects from the cancer or the treatment.  I understand him wanting to keep it private - but you are going to be his biggest supporter, so YOU will need your own support.  Support groups, therapy, and online communities would be great resources. 

Happy fly-by-nursing1.giffamilybed2.giffemalesling.GIF, delayed/selective vaxxing, WOHM to DD1 4/10 diaper.gif, DD2 8/12 babygirl.gif and partner/wife for thirteen years to SAHD DHsuperhero.gif.  

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#5 of 6 Old 03-07-2012, 04:26 AM
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Ok mama, I know you did not want a story about uncles, friends etc, but here goes :)


My uncle was dx w/ prostate cancer, and did not undergo radiation, as well as a neighbour to me a couple of years ago. They are both good, and have had great follow up's.


I second the pp's about finding support groups to help you and Dh process feelings and gain knowledge about it. This is a scary time for you both. Hugs xxx

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#6 of 6 Old 03-11-2012, 07:04 PM
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Thinking of you!  In terms of stress-busting, do whatever you need to/can do that helps.  If it means writing long rants on MDC, please do!  I don't know your hobbies, so I'll list a few things that help me:

- Pet my dog

- Pluck my eyebrows (watch out--I've often overplucked!!!)

- Eat lots of ice cream

- Run/hike/bike/swim

- Clean/organize/purge

- Roughhouse with my kids--this really really helps me!

- Watch really bad tv or watch the news (takes me out of my brain)

- Match my tupperware

- Go outside


I hope this helps a little.  I realize that you have an enormous load on your shoulders.  I'm thinking of you!

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