((((jj)))) That's really rough. My marriage is going through something similar.
I have CFS and Fibromyalgia - a chronic pain condition. Most of the time I'm in pain and/or wiped out. I've been unable to work for about the last 2 years, although I did work (against doctor's orders) for about 6 months last year, because my dh got laid off.
Because I sometimes have good days, or good hours, and because I don't look sick, my dh has a hard time believing deep down that I'm really sick, I think. This is one of the many ways that these two diseases are destroying our marriage.
Because he has been the breadwinner for the vast majority of our marriage, he has always held it over my head. He refers to the money as His Money, the apartment as His Apartment, etc., even our bedroom as His Room sometimes. That last one he corrects himself on when I call him on it. If I call him on the other stuff, he gets mad and says that he's right because we agreed before we got married that I'd work, too. Apparently my getting sick(er) was a violation of our marital covenants.
My illness is made much worse by the climate and air quality here in this area. Last year, I went out to Seattle, (where I used to live) a couple of times, and each time I felt remarkably better. So, as an experiment, my daughter and I went out there for an entire month. There were two reasons. First, to see if this effect was genuine, or just the effect of going on vacation, because being there for a month, with Cora and not dh, was not going to feel like a vacation. And second, hopefully it would jumpstart some kind of healing that could continue back home in DC.
I did feel better, and better enough to work and lead a normal life, but it did not continue when we got home. The doctor that I saw out there (an MD who is also an ND - Naturopathic Doctor), and my MD here, a fibromyalgia and CFS expert, both agree that it is genuine, and that I would be in better health there, due to climate and air quality. Apparently, both conditions are endemic out here, and occur with far less frequency in that area.
Something has to change with regards to my health. I take 9-12 medications per day, including a narcotic patch to relieve my constant pain, and three other pain killers for breakthrough pain. When I was in Seattle, I was able to cut my medications drastically, and I suspect that with more time and medical supervision, I could cut more.
DH, however, made it clear before the trip, and has continued to make it clear, that he will not move out of this area, regardless of the benefits to my health. It hurts terribly because if the situation were reversed, and his only hope for health was to move to texas or new york city (my 2 least favorite places - no offense to anyone from there - to each her own right?) my reaction would be to sell everything I own to get us there if we had to.
We've recently decided, for financial reasons, that dd and I will go out to Seattle for a year so that I can be well enough to work. I am scared for our marriage, scared to go be a single parent again (dh adopted dd when she was too young to remember - she was not originally his), scared for how dd will handle this. I also worry about what happens at the end of the year. Because then I still have to face the fact that this man who I've known and loved for half my life, who I let adopt my daughter, doesn't love me enough and doesn't want our marriage and family enough to move for the sake of my health. He has chosen between my health and our family and his interests. So in a year I'm going to have to choose between my health and my family, which includes giving my daughter the only father and the intact family she's known and thrived in.
There are times when chronic illness makes life feel not worth it.
scifi-convention runners Kate, DH Drew 11/07, DD Cora 12/97. We , ,
Welcome to baby Fiona with a giant omphalocele, 6/17/10!