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Old 08-06-2008, 07:35 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Reading something on a similar subject made me feel the need to share this:

I hate sex. I hate, hate, hate it! I've been married for 3 years in December and it still hurts. I've been checked out and told there is enough "room" but it still hurts. DH and I have gone months and months and months at a time with no sex. We haven't DTD since I got pregnant (doesn't help that I had a particularly rough exam at my first prenatal and I bled and it just freaked me out even more about sex). We've tried different positions. We always use a ton of lube. And it always hurts. And it makes me because I just want to have a normal marriage and be able to enjoy it like everyone else gets to. I just keep hoping that after I've squeezed a baby through there that sex won't be so intimidating. Before we were married I was so excited about it and thought I had a pretty strong sex drive. But after the honeymoon I just hated it, was scared of it, and never wanted it. Why can't I just be normal so we can have a normal sex life?! :
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Old 08-06-2008, 07:39 PM
 
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Is your husband circumcised? You're in Canada right? so he might very well be intact.

And I am so sorry. I hope things get better for you.

OUR DAUGHTERS ARE PROTECTED SHOULDN'T OUR SONS BE TOO! :
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Old 08-06-2008, 07:39 PM
 
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Old 08-06-2008, 07:41 PM
 
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coconut oil. its WAY less irritating than other lubes.
also, tons of foreplay.

YOU have to be ready and wanting it. and if thqat means he has some "work" to do before intercourse, then so be it. but BOTH partners have to want it for it to be good.

treehugger.gif )O( unschooling, witchy mum to Addy(7) and Niamh(4)
Living with an invisible chronic illness.
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Old 08-06-2008, 07:43 PM
 
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Have you ever talked to a trusted doctor or midwife about this? Probably not the UA voilation that did a rough exam at the first prenatal, but a care provider that will actually slow down and listen to you?

There are a few actual medical conditions that can cause intercourse to be painful and that are treatable. Here's a page with a quick rundown of some possible causes. http://home.cfl.rr.com/dahmd/dyspare.htm

And remember, too, that there are all sorts of variations of normal. You can have an amazing, happy marriage that doesn't include intercourse if you choose, but it sounds to me like you would be willing to do the work to track down the cause and find a solution.

Megan- mama to 3, midwifery student , doula, , runner , knitter .
Violet Lane Birth Services Doula care and placenta encapsulation serving Seattle to Mount Vernon
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Old 08-06-2008, 07:43 PM
 
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The above link is really informative, google vaginismus, too
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Old 08-06-2008, 07:44 PM
 
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I have to be really relaxed so a nice massage (from dh) before helps me.

OUR DAUGHTERS ARE PROTECTED SHOULDN'T OUR SONS BE TOO! :
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Old 08-06-2008, 08:01 PM
 
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Originally Posted by SleepyMamaBear View Post
coconut oil. its WAY less irritating than other lubes.
also, tons of foreplay.

YOU have to be ready and wanting it. and if thqat means he has some "work" to do before intercourse, then so be it. but BOTH partners have to want it for it to be good.
Yeah that. It sounds like you dread it now, after years of unpleasantness, and dreading it is definitely NOT conducive to good sex. My BFF has the same problem with sex, so I'm paying attention to replies here...maybe I'll get some good advice for her!

Jess ~ RN & student CNM, Blogger (see profile), wifey to T-Rav & momma to sons Buggy ~7/04 & Newt ~1/08 & Tad 6/19/09 & Con-man 1/11!  <3
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Old 08-06-2008, 08:05 PM
 
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I would look into vulvodynia. I was diagnosed with a variation of this just a bit ago.

It's not in your head. It has nothing to do with how "roomy" you are. It doesn't mean you don't love your partner. It doesn't mean you're a prude.

I know how hard and frustrating it is. My partner and I can't have sex at all anymore because the pain is too much.

~Julia
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Old 08-06-2008, 08:07 PM
 
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Keep looking for a good doctor!!! I had that for well over a year and it turned out to be a subclinical, but darn tenacious, yeast infection. It took very strong medication to clear it up, but once it went away the pain disappeared. There are MANY reasons for painful intercourse. Hormonal birth control also made me extra sensitive with sex.

Find a good doctor who is willing to work through this with you!!! You don't have to be in pain. And whoever told you it's about "room" is a bad doctor. Vaginas stretch - they can fit a BABY. Pain is caused by something else.

I agree on checking on vaginismus, there are treatments for this too.
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Old 08-06-2008, 08:08 PM
 
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Having a baby made sex so much more comfortable for me, so there is hope. I also found that the more I DTD, the less it hurt. In my thinking, I get 'stretched', and if I wait too long, it went back.
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Old 08-06-2008, 08:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Is your husband circumcised? You're in Canada right? so he might very well be intact.
Unfortunately he was circumcised when he was a little boy (he can remember it). He doesn't know why...maybe he got an infection and a misinformed doctor said he needed it. I know he was told to retract and clean and that it hurt really bad so I wouldn't be surprised if there was a misinformation thing going on there.

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Have you ever talked to a trusted doctor or midwife about this?
I talked to a nurse practicioner I really liked a long time ago (well before we moved here or before we started TTC). She even gave me a mini prescription for valium to take before hand to help me relax, and dilators to try to stretch things out (even though she examined me and said that shouldn't be an issue). I've gotten so hung up over the issue that I haven't used the dilators yet.

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And remember, too, that there are all sorts of variations of normal. You can have an amazing, happy marriage that doesn't include intercourse if you choose, but it sounds to me like you would be willing to do the work to track down the cause and find a solution.
I'm both willing to do the work...and not willing at the same time. I get so stressed and terrified about the issue that I just want to run away and hide from it. And then because of that, I have guilt issues to deal with too. DH is so patient with me but I know it must frustrate him to no end to have me freeze up and then run from the problem instead of doing what it takes to fix it. *sigh* Thanks for the link though. I'm going to take a look right now.
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Old 08-06-2008, 08:11 PM
 
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Don't mess with a dialator - it's not about how big you are. Or I wouldn't. Find a GYN who specializes in GYN, NOT OB. I found one who specialized in chronic pain, believe it or not, and she helped me. It was a total pain to find her, and took me probably 6-8 months of looking/trying, but I got it figured out. And I'm not seeing how vicodin makes sense... It shouldn't hurt, so you shouldn't need a narcotic to have sex!
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Old 08-06-2008, 08:12 PM
 
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Circumcised sex really is an issue for many women, it can be quite painful.

OUR DAUGHTERS ARE PROTECTED SHOULDN'T OUR SONS BE TOO! :
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Old 08-06-2008, 08:13 PM
 
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While I have no first-hand experience with this, I once read an article about a woman who had one of the above-mentioned disorders (idiopathic pain during penetration) and it became resolved after she had a baby. So I hope that you will find your relief, after your baby is born!

And possibly related and for sure TMI: I was one of the majority of women who could not come to climax during intercourse alone. Although I did experience labor and pushing while giving birth to DD, I ended up with a c/sec, and even though I didn't have a baby go through my birth canal, I now...um...am in the OTHER group of lucky women. So maybe even just pregnancy can change things, down there. I hope it does for you!

Wife to dh and mommy to dd1 (3/07), ds (1/10), and dd2 (any day now)!

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Old 08-06-2008, 08:25 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Wikipedia says (my emphasis): "According to Ward and Ogden's qualitative study on the experience of vaginismus for women (1994), the three highest ranked causes for vaginismus are usually fear of painful sex, strict religious upbringing where sex was viewed as wrong or not discussed, and early childhood traumatic experiences (not necessarily sexual in nature)."

I have some form of all three causes.

I have an intense fear of painful sex (as I've already said).

My family never, EVER discussed sex with me, AT ALL. My mother never even talked to me about puberty. I got the birds and the bees from a school program. (And I converted to a religion that teaches that sex before marriage is wrong...which I believe...but that after marriage it's A-OK and wonderful but it's hard to make the mental adjustment for some people. I think I have but maybe I haven't?)

And when I was a little girl a neighbor boy asked me to have sex with him. I didn't know what it was but I felt uncomfortable and said no. Later he threatened to hit me over the head with a shovel if I didn't kiss him (I got in our car and honked the horn and my step-dad came out and rescued me). My parents talked to his. But after that incident he saw me at the park and chased and tackled me. Other than getting my bus stop changed so I never had to wait at the same place with him the incidents weren't really addressed. My parents never talked to me about what happened. I never got over my fear of him.

This is just so hard, so overwhelming. But thank you for the listening ears and support. It's been so hard to feel like I don't have anybody I can talk to about this. And while it's unpleasant to think about and it's painful to deal with at the same time it's liberating to open up.
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Old 08-06-2008, 08:31 PM
 
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it sounds like past trauma may be effecting you...I have had this same problem though and right now it's at its worst because I'm breastfeeding (I believe) and extra hormones make it hurt more. My doctor suggested the medication I'm on could have made it painful, I told him it's always been that way before I was on the medication, and he said before I was treated it could have been the untreated anxiety. so basically I'd recommend talking to someone, probably with your partner as well if possible. good luck.

Dara Mommy to Gabbie (4/05) , Zachary (6/07) , and Simon (8/10)
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Old 08-06-2008, 08:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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". Women are faced with severe feelings of shame, guilt, embarrassment, loneliness, and failure...Some women with vaginismus have described feeling like they are still a 'little girl' or that they can never be a 'proper wife'. These attitudes cause unworthiness to engulf a woman's life leaving her to feel hopeless about her situation. She is forced to live with a shameful secret that keeps her intimacy locked away on a high shelf, seemingly unavailable to her."

I'm crying my eyes out here. It feels so horrible to feel this way...but it's wonderful at the same time to know that somebody somewhere understands how I've felt for the last 2.5 years.
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Old 08-06-2008, 08:42 PM
 
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http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationshi...nic-vulva-pain

I feel your pain.... literally. Here and there throughout the last 6 years I've had terrible bouts with this. Unfortunatly one such case last over 2 years and overlapped into child birth as well. Exams made me cry, I avoided paps, sex made me feel as if the tissue just inside was getting ripped off. One doc gave me a steroid cream that I was to apply topically before bed for a couple weeks. It gave me night sweats so I stopped early but, magically the pain went away. All of that horrid, I mean HORRID unebarable pain was gone! That was about a year and a half ago and it hasn't returned since. I may have some mild pain the the ovary area here and there but, I think that is unrelated. I thought sure there had to be something terribly wrong with my insides but, it was simply confused pain receptors that led to minor inflamation that led to more pain. Seriously, I could swear that every time I tried to take a tampon out it was ripping the skin away like scar tissue on a burn patient. It was that bad. A lot of it ends up being tied to stress as well. But, once you get a handle on it medically it much better. After you've had all the nessesary tests to make sure it isn't infection or some other health issue talk about the option of the steroid cream. it's easy and covered by insurance a good amount of the time. Some people have to keep it up while people like me only had to use it for a week or so.

I know what this is like. I really do and it feels so great to be rid of that aweful pain. Look into this!

~TRACY, wife to loving dh, mommy to dd (10/05), ds(12/08), 3 kitties, & 2 pups.
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Old 08-06-2008, 08:44 PM
 
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Maybe you could get some good xxx stuff and watch it alone a few times. Get comfortable with the idea of sex and being a sexual being. I'd probably keep that part private so that your husband doesn't want to join in. Just you so that you can react to it however you feel. Think about how you feel while watching it.

Personal question, so don't feel you need to answer, but can you give yourself an orgasm? Sometimes just getting yourself halfway there earlier in the day can really lead to better arousal later.

Also, you can't just get there from say...doing dishes. Like, ok, washing dishes, cleaning house, baby to bed, sex. It has to be doing dishes (thinking about sex), cleaning house (thinking about sex) husband puts baby to bed, you take a clean up and think about sex, light candle, massage, etc. We take longer to make that switch from mom, woman minding her own business to "ok, time for intimacy and someone expecting intimacy from me."

Oh, I see that your baby isn't born yet. This is the perfect time to start learning how to satisfy each other without intercourse. Breastfeeding isn't going to help the situation, so give yourself plenty of time.

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Old 08-06-2008, 08:47 PM - Thread Starter
 
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And I'm not seeing how vicodin makes sense... It shouldn't hurt, so you shouldn't need a narcotic to have sex!
Um...not vicodin. I'm remembering wrong...um...what am I thinking of? Valium! Not vicodin.
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Old 08-06-2008, 08:52 PM
 
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I don't know if I can say this, so if it needs to be removed or offends someone please let me know and I'll take it down immediately.

Have you considered maybe climaxing before intercourse? Maybe with oral or clitoral stimulation? Once things are all smooth and relaxed it might make it a little easier on you.

Body, I've been more than patient. Please make a baby. Please?
always loving my babies. (May 08)(April 09)(August 09)(September 09) (December 10)
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Old 08-06-2008, 08:52 PM
 
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Just in case it's helpful...for me sex was painful for many years (burning). I recently stopped eating sugar and suddenly sex is fine. I'm still trying to figure out what actually happened but then only thing I can think of so far is that my food sensitivity was messing with the ph level in my vagina. Weird but I would have never thought that was what was doing it.

Mama to DS (6/07) h20homebirth.gif, DD (6/09) h20homebirth.gif, and DD (07/12) homebirth.jpg..

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Old 08-06-2008, 08:56 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Maybe you could get some good xxx stuff and watch it alone a few times.
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Personal question, so don't feel you need to answer, but can you give yourself an orgasm? Sometimes just getting yourself halfway there earlier in the day can really lead to better arousal later.
I'm not OK with XXX for a lot of reasons (mainly religious ones). And while I understand a lot of people feel differently about doing things themselves and I don't judge because I don't expect everyone to believe the same things I do I'm not OK doing things without my spouse. Earlier in our marriage he was able to give me some very nice "gifts" before we'd actually DTD but lately I just haven't been achieving the same "heights."

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This is the perfect time to start learning how to satisfy each other without intercourse. Breastfeeding isn't going to help the situation, so give yourself plenty of time.
We do things for each other (me more often for him because I just don't have much interest in anything anymore). But we both want more. I thought I knew a lot about nursing (been reading like my life depended on it) but I have a question. Why is breastfeeding not going to help the situation?
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Old 08-06-2008, 08:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Have you considered maybe climaxing before intercourse? Maybe with oral or clitoral stimulation? Once things are all smooth and relaxed it might make it a little easier on you.
We've actually always gone that route. Just seemed like the easiest and most sure way for both of us to have a turn.
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Old 08-06-2008, 09:02 PM
 
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Because breastfeeding can make you not as lubricated. Not sure why. Plus, when you breastfeed, you are in another mode, mother mode. I'm pretty liberal sexually, obviously by my previous post, but I cannot function sexually while breastfeeding. I get all "touched out" and tired. When I don't have the baby on me, I don't want anyone touching me. I also tend to treat my breasts like sterile bottles. I don't want any dirty hands near them.

Maybe you'll feel different. I'm sure it doesn't make all women dry, but it does me.

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Old 08-06-2008, 09:42 PM
 
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Oh Holly. I could have written your post.


I would be the happiest girl in the world if I never had to think about sex again. It hurts, I tense up during intercourse, it makes me self concious, for the first year of our marriage I cried every time I had sex. It was horrible. I'm not religious but in a household that NEVER EVER discussed sex, I am not comfortable with xxx, we avoid all things oral for me at least because I was *blessed* with some lovely's by one of my partners, I have panic attacks at the thought and idea of pleasuring my partner because it's one of the things that the guy who raped me made me do.

Sigh. THAT was TMI.

But in all seriousness, some of the things that have made things better -

Seeing a counselour. I was able to talk very openly about what happened with the rape. I think that's important to anyone with a history of any kind of abuse.

Scheduling sex. I know, I know. So romantic. But, if you know before hand for days even weeks that you are going to have sex, you will be thinking about it. And mentally prepping for it. It's like atheletes that need to 'get in the zone' so to speak. So, while doing the dishes, knowing full well that you are going to have sex that night, let your mind wander to what it's gonna be like Now that we are working on our problems, I don't TELL my husband when I have scheduled sex. So it's a surprise for him, but not for me And with that in mind....

Ask him to let you be the intiator. Take back your feeling of control with this step. YOU ask HIM. It makes it easier when it was YOUR idea. That means you are going to have to get yourself into a place that's okay to do that. And during the big deed....

RELAX. I know. Easier said then done right? But, for me, during the ... well...penetration part of sex, I always ALWAYS tense myself up tight. It's not a space issue. It's in my head. So, I always have my DP ease in REALLY slowly, and I breathe and focus only on relaxing those muscles. And, after doing that for the duration of a few....well anyways, let's just say it usually gets much better after that.

That's all I got.

But, you are not alone, you are not weird, and you can work on this. My DP and I average sex twice a year unless it's a babymaking year. And remember the MORE often you have sex the easier it gets. If it's been to long it will be harder to get back in the saddle. So to speak.
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Old 08-06-2008, 09:50 PM
 
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I think you've gotten some excellent advice here! I just wanted to add a couple of things: since your dh is circ'ed, you might find sex more comfortable if he wears a condom, and, if your dh is up for it (oh, I didn't meant for that to sound like it sounds . . .) and you're comfortable with it, plenty of men are perfectly satisfied with oral sex orgasms and that might take some of the pressure off of you while still helping you be sexually active with your dh until you can work out/through some other options.
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Old 08-07-2008, 02:45 AM
 
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Because breastfeeding can make you not as lubricated. Not sure why. Plus, when you breastfeed, you are in another mode, mother mode. I'm pretty liberal sexually, obviously by my previous post, but I cannot function sexually while breastfeeding. I get all "touched out" and tired. When I don't have the baby on me, I don't want anyone touching me. I also tend to treat my breasts like sterile bottles. I don't want any dirty hands near them.

Maybe you'll feel different. I'm sure it doesn't make all women dry, but it does me.
Per my OB (who's awesome) pp and bfing cause lower estrogen levels, which cause less lubrication and thinner vaginal walls. It's temporary, though.

I really think you should continue seeking medical help, and maybe even therapy. They thought my subclinical yeast infection was vaginismus, and suggested anti-anxiety meds, so maybe?
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Old 08-10-2008, 05:45 PM
 
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Im feeling your pain!! DH and I have been married since September and I am still struggling with sex being painful sometimes. Its getting better but he has to go real slow at first. I hated sex, on our honeymoon we only had sex once, the last day. I cried so much on our honeymoon cause I couldnt do it. It hurt too much. So far what we have found helps is lots of lube (which you already said you do) and also lots of foreplay. We also switched brands of lube to one called Liquid Silk, we buy it off amazon.com. It works so much better for us then anything else we have tried.
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