Tricky name dilema - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 11 Old 11-10-2008, 12:57 PM - Thread Starter
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So, I am now about 24.5/25 weeks and still have not told my mother or my kids (because they will tell my mother) and surprisingly, am still not looking too pregnant, so no one is guessing either. However, I think my eldest has an idea something is up because he keeps talking about "when" we have a new baby or "if" he gets another brother or sister. Well, the other day he out of the blue says to me: "Mommy, when you have a new baby I would really like it if we named her ......." I'm not going to list the name because it is a perfectly lovely name and I don't want to insult anyone if they are using it, but it is not a name I see for my child. All my children are very pale, blond-haired, blue-eyed, and the name he wants conjures up an image of a dark, exotic temptress for me. When I was pregnant with Cordelia, about a week before she was born, he asked if we could name her this same name, so I know it has some special meaning to him and he is holding on to it for some reason, but I just can't do it. My husband is okay with the name and thinks that the other kids should have a say in what the name is and that because we don't have a girl name, we should put it on the "list". However, I already have a short list of girl's names and it is not on it.

How much say are your other kids having in the naming of their sibling? Or, did you have a say in naming your own siblings? What if everyone but you loves a name and you get "out voted"? Would you just learn to live with it?

My DH thinks it is a non-issue because he believes the baby is a boy, and he has never, strangely enough, never been wrong, even when the sonogram was - he just knew DS#2 was boy, even when the sonogram said girl, so it is probably a boy and we have a definite name picked for a boy.

Wow, that was long-winded, sorry. I'm just really stressed because DH moved to San Antonio on Saturday and we won't be joining him until the 1st week in December after I get everything settled here, so I am in hyper-overdrive.
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#2 of 11 Old 11-10-2008, 01:39 PM
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My kids are welcome to voice opinions about the names we're considering and we have lots of fun talking about possible names. That said, they both understand that ultimately it's up to me and their father to pick a name, just as when they have a baby, it will be entirely up to them and their spouses. My reasoning is that kids' tastes change a lot, often with no warning. I don't think it will help sibling rivalry any to find out that the name you have is one that your sister loved when she was six and now no one likes at all!

I would never let myself be outvoted on a name I didn't like. I'm comfortable telling my kids that they need to learn to live with a name, but DH and I need to both be happy with it.

FWIW, my current top pick for this baby is a name that my oldest (an 8 yo girl) absolutely hated at first. Now it's her favorite. It took a while for the name to grow on her, but it did. And once the name is attached to an actual person, I expect most kids would adjust to it and learn to love it.
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#3 of 11 Old 11-10-2008, 02:21 PM
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This may not apply to your situation at all, but here is my experience of having a say in naming my sister.

I was 3. I insisted on getting to choose her name. So my parents said I could choose her middle name. I was flummoxed when they gave me that power, and I had no name ideas (I remember all of this pretty clearly). I asked my friend what she thought I should name her, and she suggested the name of the babysitter we shared, whom she adored but I was lukewarm about. Absent any other ideas I chose that name.

Well, my sister has always hated and resented that I gave her that name. Because of what she sees as her second-fiddle role in our family (for example, in the set of slides marked "[my sister's] First Steps," most of them star me), to her it seems like even in her naming I got to play too large a role. It's always been a big deal in our family and I believe she still resents it.

Needless to say, I was 3 at the time - I may have had a tantrum if I had not been allowed to name her, but I certainly would have gotten over it and would certainly not have cared 6 months later.

Another thing about my sister's name: my father's mother passed away shortly before she was born and my mother was under a strong obligation to name my sister after her. She didn't like the name, but she did it anyway because everything in her family and her culture said she had to. And you know what? It chilled her relationship with my sister, no doubt about it.

So, my opinion is that you should name your baby what you like. Why don't you do like my DH and I do - we both have a say, but we both also have veto power, so the selected name is chosen unanimously. That way your DS still can have a say and suggest whatever he wants, but you retain veto power and don't have to use any name that you don't like.
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#4 of 11 Old 11-10-2008, 02:23 PM
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I guess there is some influence involved from my other children, but influence is all it is. They will have their own children one day, and they will be able to name their children. I need to love the name that my husband and I choose, and I won't settle for a name because my children really want it.
However, I would give consideration to them.
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#5 of 11 Old 11-10-2008, 02:28 PM
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I say let them voice their opinion, but make no promises. Especially if they are young. If 5yo ds had his choice it would be Desert.

3 yo DS wants "Coolopolis Deserte". Coolopolis from the one cartoon they are allowed on Sat am (we don't have cable) and deserte dh's humorous attept at a foriegn take on Desert.

We are humoring them now, but for reasons already posted about, they will not being making the decision.
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#6 of 11 Old 11-10-2008, 04:12 PM
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Not to highjack a serious thread with toodler-isms but... our two-year old twins', when asked what we should call the new baby, responses were:
DS: "cow"
DD: "dragon".
So, no they won't have much of a say, but I think with older children as pp have said, consideration but certainly not choice in naming of the sibling.

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#7 of 11 Old 11-10-2008, 05:06 PM
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my DS (who is 4) would have us call the baby 'Jesus'. He just naturally puts the two words together 'baby Jesus'. I don't think we'll be doing that - and of course it could be a girl!
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#8 of 11 Old 11-10-2008, 08:35 PM
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DS1 has suggested we name a baby girl 'Leena'. I told him we'd put it on our list, but probably wouldn't use it. He's fine with that, I think he just wanted us to consider his suggestion. He had much more...interesting choices for ds2's name. Needless to say, we didn't use them.

H likes Helena, which Leena is a short form of, so you never know, ds1 might partially get his choice, since I don't mind it & we have a terrible time agreeing on names.

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#9 of 11 Old 11-10-2008, 10:46 PM
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my 3.5 yo dd and 13 yo dd have both suggested names for the baby and i welcome their suggestions, but that is all they are--suggestions. the act of naming is something very powerful and a privilege and an honor for the parents in my opinion. if my children feel very strongly for a name, they can name their own children that name when they have kids-- in fact, i know a friend of mine did name her daughter after the name she always used to give her baby dolls. anyway, naming is not a democracy in my house, if you can't tell!
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#10 of 11 Old 11-11-2008, 01:17 AM - Thread Starter
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It has never come up before because the kids have always been so young, other than DS#1 asking once to name Cordelia something different, but I had that name picked out from the time I was a child. I think my DH believes in giving the kids a say or at least veto power because he is the youngest of 5 and his sibs are 14, 12, 11, and 10 years older than him and they prevented his parents from naming him Percival (his dad wanted him to grow up learning how to be tough - blah, blah, blah), anyway they won the fight and he ended up being Philip which he has been eternally grateful for. Actually one of the names on our short list for a girl is Persephone which could be shortened to Percy in homage to his late parents who wanted to call him Percy.

I think out short list is:
Vera (his grandmother)
Moira (my g-ma and the Scottish version of Mary who is his sister)

with middle names Rebecca and Mary (with exception of Moira where I would have to come up with a different middle name) after his sisters
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#11 of 11 Old 11-11-2008, 02:49 AM
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If my five year old had his first choice, the baby would be named "Firesnack." Yeah.

Since that first one he has actually come up with a few that we agree on but it is definitely a choice that DP and I will have final say on. Names are hard though!! I had DS's name picked out before he was born and, while I love his name and it suits him, I always wished that I had a short list to go over after he was born and we saw him. So, while I'm pretty sure we have the name picked out for this one already, we will have a list with our favorites from the last few months.

Can't believe how close we are- there's an August DDC now!!:
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