for you and your babies.
QUOTE: i gave you a little background before in your original post, and i wanted to tell you that i admire your resolve. i wish i could find that part of myself, but i have to wonder if it's one of those things that comes with having kids - the lioness, protecting her young. i don't have that instinct yet, and i so yearn for it, and admire the hell out of it when i see it in other mamas.
I think you are right. It does come from having kids, at least for me it has. I thought I was okay with DH taking time to "heal" himself and leaving me and the kids, even though it hurt horribly. But when I saw the effect on my kids the mama bear in me came out and has been there ever since. I have always thought of myself as the Renee Zellweger type in Jerry McGuire. Just say "hello" and show up and you got me. I always admired those women who had "resolve." But for my kids I can and will do what I need to do. They deserve that and so much more. Every time I look into my sons little face I just wonder "how?" "how could he leave?" I mean I know he says he plans on coming back and doesn't want a divorce. But how can we work through things 1,000 miles away. I don't think you could drag me away from my kids no matter how emotionally hurt or confused I had become. There is just NO WAY.
QUOTE: our kids deserve dads that are present and accounted for, that aren't so wrapped up in themselves and their problems to see the gifts that surround them.
This is so true and I have thought of this many times. I would often be silently frustrated with DH for this. He never saw what we had, just the pain he felt. I feel and always have that I am a very blessed person. I have my health, two healthy amazing kids, a roof over my head, food in my pantry, and friends and family who have shown an overwhelming amount of support to me. All these things he had as well. For whatever reason it was not enough to make him happy with himself or those around him.
We had a therapy session tomorrow, but I will be going alone and let our therapist know what has happened. I am really looking forward to venting and hopefully getting some kind of insight in DH behavior. DH still calls and says he loves me and misses me. I just don't know where I'm suppose to go from here. Do I wait? How long? In my mind I'm preparing myself for doing it on my own, but part of me still has some hope. I like to think the best of people and I guess that can be a fault sometimes.
BTW thanks to all of those who have said I am strong. I don't feel very strong. I just feel like I'm doing what I have to do. I feel like I am so very close to tears all the time. I look forward to my hormones leveling out after the baby is born. But at the same time I'm scared to death to have a new born and 2 little ones to take care of all on my own. But I guess I'll deal with it when the time comes.