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#1 of 24 Old 01-30-2009, 06:38 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi everyone, just wanted to let you all know that I am doing better today. The world seems a little softer and things seem a little brighter. My friends and family have really rallied around me and it feels good to be so cared for and loved by so many. I don't want to be a single mom of almost 3 but I can for now if that is what I have to do. I talked with my MIL last night and she is concerned about DH, as am I. I know he loves me, he is just in a very bad place personally right now. I think in his mind he feels that being away from me is the only way to stop hurting me.

I'm sure I will have hard days, but for today I am enjoying the hope that I have. I'm trying to stay positive and make life easier on myself. I went to the grocery store today and bought things I normal wouldn't, things that I would label "convenient foods" like granola bars and frozen waffles to make life a little easier. And one of my closest friends who I have known since high school will be attending my homebirth, she is also a doula so if my DH isn't there I have someone I know and trust with me.

Yesterday was very hard and I'm glad it is in the past. All of you who responded helped me more then you will know. Thank you for your support. I will keep you updated.

Full time mom to 10/04 2/06 and my sweet surpise 3/09
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#2 of 24 Old 01-30-2009, 07:00 PM
 
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((((hugs))))

Kristin- Wife to J, Mommy to B (11), M-S (8), and little J (4) and J&J (7 months)
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#3 of 24 Old 01-30-2009, 07:09 PM
 
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feel better. take care of yourself.
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#4 of 24 Old 01-30-2009, 07:10 PM
 
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YAY! I'm glad your starting to feel better, even if it is just for now! Please know that we are here for you if you need to vent!

Oh and yay for having your friend attend your birth, things are really starting to fall into place! Good Luck! I will be thinking about you and your growing family.

*Aly* Proud ARMY Wife and SAHM to our IVF miracle London Michael 2/28/09 We are so in love! We beat infertility once, lets see if we can do it again. TTC #2!
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#5 of 24 Old 01-30-2009, 08:40 PM
 
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#6 of 24 Old 01-30-2009, 09:03 PM
 
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#7 of 24 Old 01-30-2009, 11:37 PM
 
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That is so great that you have friends and family there to help support you. And that's awesome about your friend the doula!

You sound like a very strong woman and I am sure you will get through this.

lady.gifMama to DS banana.gif(5) and DD broc1.gif(2)
 

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#8 of 24 Old 01-31-2009, 12:17 AM
 
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I'm glad today was better for you, mama.
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#9 of 24 Old 01-31-2009, 12:37 AM
 
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I am so glad you have support. Dh and I are in a really bad place right now too. It is really hard to deal with that while pregnant especially so close to the end. I hope everything continues to go well.

~Lanie mom to Layne, Liam, Maren, Meridian, and Melora
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#10 of 24 Old 01-31-2009, 10:24 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks again to everyone who responded. It's a little strange with DH gone, it almost feels like a black cloud has lifted. I know that must sound really bad, but it is true. I think if things had been better between us for the past year I might miss him, but right now I actually feel a little relieved. I mean I do miss his help with the kids so physically it is harder, but emotionally I feel like I am getting a break from a lot of stress and craziness. I actually think I might be less tired now without all the emotional heaviness.

I would still love to just have someone sit and hold me, but DH hadn't even done that in a long time before he left. It's weird part of me feels guilty for feeling this way. kwim?

Both my kids stayed the night at my parents last night. The first time ever, except for one time when I had the stomach flu. I actually got a good nights sleep for the first time in a long time.

I don't know if God is giving me grace to get through this or if things were so bad that it is really this big of a relief to have DH gone for a while, but in a way I feel like living life again and not just functioning through it.

Full time mom to 10/04 2/06 and my sweet surpise 3/09
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#11 of 24 Old 01-31-2009, 11:42 AM
 
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so happy to hear your feelings on all of this. You are so strong and you are going to be better for it and for your kids and DH just by getting through this staying fairly positive. Use your parents as much as you feel comfortable and keep your head up...

Already!?!?! cold.gif  ~ Lori, doula, childbirth educator, wife to Jermaine 6/04, and mom to two happy and energetic boys - Tatum 6/06 and Keegan 3/09

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#12 of 24 Old 01-31-2009, 07:33 PM
 
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Originally Posted by mom2p.m. View Post
It's weird part of me feels guilty for feeling this way. kwim?
Don't feel guilty! You deserve to feel this way, and need to feel this way. You sound like you are really taking care of yourself (and your kids), and I'm truly impressed. Feel proud, not guilty!
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#13 of 24 Old 01-31-2009, 09:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by herins View Post
Don't feel guilty! You deserve to feel this way, and need to feel this way. You sound like you are really taking care of yourself (and your kids), and I'm truly impressed. Feel proud, not guilty!
Thanks, today was hard with the kids. My son broke my heart today. He was crying and very easily upset. He started to say "I want my daddy" but didn't finish. I was rocking him in a rocking chair and asked if he was sad. This was our conversation:

"Are you sad?"
"yes"
"Can you tell me why you're sad?"
"I sad cause daddy not home"
"you miss your dad?"
"no, i not miss him, it not okay to miss him."
"It is okay to miss him."
"no it not, because it hurt to miss him, I not miss him."
"DS it is okay to miss him and it is okay to hurt."
"I not want to miss him"
"I understand."

My ds will be 3 Feb 12th. We talked a little more after that. I told him that I was here and that I would not leave and that his grandma and granddad are here and they are not going anywhere. This conversation was more then I was ready for. I felt bitterness creeping in towards DH for putting our children through this. My dd had a similar conversation with my mom this afternoon. I'm glad it was with my mom and not me. I'm not sure I could have handled two of those conversations in one day.

Today as the conversation stayed with me I decided something. My DH will either come back 100% restored and health mind and body ready to be the father and husband this family needs or he will not come back at all. My children do not deserve this and neither do I.

Full time mom to 10/04 2/06 and my sweet surpise 3/09
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#14 of 24 Old 01-31-2009, 10:25 PM
 
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Im not from your DDC but I wanted to hug you. I went through something KIND OF similar.

I just cried after I read the conversation you had with your son. It hurts when the person you love, is gone and it feels better that way. I have moved on from EX H (he decided to not come back) and am engaged to someone new. I forgive what he did to me, but I will never forgive what he did to my daughter.

HUGS.. Your strong...
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#15 of 24 Old 02-01-2009, 02:03 AM
 
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Poor babies. It is so impossible for them to understand what is going on. I think that you are exactly right in your decision. 100% or nothing. You and your kids all need that. Hopefully each day will be a little brighter.
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#16 of 24 Old 02-02-2009, 07:46 PM
 
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I'm sorry

Sounds like it really is for the best that he has left. Too bad your kids don't understand everything right now. You're right you don't deserve this and neither do your children.
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#17 of 24 Old 02-02-2009, 07:52 PM
 
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#18 of 24 Old 02-02-2009, 08:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks everyone. The positive perspective I had got lost after the conversation with my son. Now I just feel pissed off and angry. I mean who leaves their wife who is less then 5 weeks from giving birth to your child and your two other kids, and then says they don't know when they will be back or if they will be back for the birth of their 3rd child. Either a very, very selfish person or someone who is so emotionally screwed up that they can't see straight. the longer he is gone the less likely it feels like things can work out between us.

I talked to him yesterday on the phone and got very frustrated because he always plays the victim. he kept saying that I was the one who needed space and that he can't take anymore hurt. Like he is the only one hurting. If you ask me there are two, but soon to be three victims in all of this and me nor my DH are the "victims"

Full time mom to 10/04 2/06 and my sweet surpise 3/09
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#19 of 24 Old 02-02-2009, 08:39 PM
 
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Your conversation with your son makes me so sad/angry, too. My dad left when I was 2.5 and I spent so much time crying and missing him (he would come visit and everytime he left, it broke my heart, for years and years). I can't imagine what that was like for my mom to see this going on. At one point, in my late-teens or early-twenties, I thought, well...maybe I'll understand it more (why he left) when I'm older and I cut him a lot of slack for it, but now that I *am* the age he was when he left, I just cannot fathom it at all.

Gah, now *I'm* crying.

In short, I have "been" in your son's shoes and I wish I could make him feel better. It's such an awful feeling...poor little guy. I send huge and understanding warm hugs to you and your babies.

SAH dissertating mama femalesling.GIF to my sweet little boy (2/2009)
and his rainbow1284.gif baby brother (7/2011)
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#20 of 24 Old 02-02-2009, 08:43 PM
 
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Not in your ddc but I've been going through something similar. I honestly think my dh felt the same way about hurting me, but he was doing it anyway. What's worse he got involved with someone else...so I guess he's not going to hurt her? I'm sure that it's over. I honestly feel relieved at this point and I didn't think I would. I'm glad it's over now instead of closer to the birth (I'm not due till May) and I'm planning on doing things that never would've happened if he'd stay (taking a doula class and traveling to florida to birth with some friends) I could never really depend on him for support and he wasn't that helpful with the kids. I feel less alone now then I did when we were together.
Quote:
I mean who leaves their wife who is less then 5 weeks from giving birth to your child and your two other kids, and then says they don't know when they will be back or if they will be back for the birth of their 3rd child. Either a very, very selfish person or someone who is so emotionally screwed up that they can't see straight.
absolutely!

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#21 of 24 Old 02-03-2009, 05:25 PM
 
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I am so sorry. I hope the space and time can help improve things and that maybe he will realize he needs to step up for you and the kids. It breaks my heart what you are going through, and I'm amazed at how strong you are through this.


~RG Natural Babies Free Shipping on several items and orders over $60!  BumGenius, Tiny Tush, Rumparooz, RMD, Rockin Green & more!  We have all your diapering needs!
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#22 of 24 Old 02-03-2009, 06:48 PM
 
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for you and your babies.

i gave you a little background before in your original post, and i wanted to tell you that i admire your resolve. i wish i could find that part of myself, but i have to wonder if it's one of those things that comes with having kids - the lioness, protecting her young. i don't have that instinct yet, and i so yearn for it, and admire the hell out of it when i see it in other mamas.

our kids deserve dads that are present and accounted for, that aren't so wrapped up in themselves and their problems to see the gifts that surround them. in my situation, it's like "wow, sorry i'm not 23 with a super hot body and no responsibilities, and even sorrier that i spent the last 8+ years of my life helping you become the man that everybody wants to do it to now". i need to set a better example to my daughter than this.

my heart really does go out to you, and every single other woman who has had to deal with this kind of crap from their partners, not just throughout their pregnancy, but just in general. i laugh at whoever claimed that women were the weaker gender.

: single mom extraordinaire, keeper of eew since 02/09
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#23 of 24 Old 02-03-2009, 06:54 PM
 
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Mama to 9 so far:Mother of Joey (20), Dominick (13), Abigail (11), Angelo (8), Mylee (6), Delainey (3), Colton (2) and Baby 8 and Baby 9 coming sometime in July 2013.   If evolution were true, mothers would have three arms!

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#24 of 24 Old 02-03-2009, 08:19 PM - Thread Starter
 
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[QUOTE=jdubbelewe;13122596] for you and your babies.

QUOTE: i gave you a little background before in your original post, and i wanted to tell you that i admire your resolve. i wish i could find that part of myself, but i have to wonder if it's one of those things that comes with having kids - the lioness, protecting her young. i don't have that instinct yet, and i so yearn for it, and admire the hell out of it when i see it in other mamas.

I think you are right. It does come from having kids, at least for me it has. I thought I was okay with DH taking time to "heal" himself and leaving me and the kids, even though it hurt horribly. But when I saw the effect on my kids the mama bear in me came out and has been there ever since. I have always thought of myself as the Renee Zellweger type in Jerry McGuire. Just say "hello" and show up and you got me. I always admired those women who had "resolve." But for my kids I can and will do what I need to do. They deserve that and so much more. Every time I look into my sons little face I just wonder "how?" "how could he leave?" I mean I know he says he plans on coming back and doesn't want a divorce. But how can we work through things 1,000 miles away. I don't think you could drag me away from my kids no matter how emotionally hurt or confused I had become. There is just NO WAY.

QUOTE: our kids deserve dads that are present and accounted for, that aren't so wrapped up in themselves and their problems to see the gifts that surround them.

This is so true and I have thought of this many times. I would often be silently frustrated with DH for this. He never saw what we had, just the pain he felt. I feel and always have that I am a very blessed person. I have my health, two healthy amazing kids, a roof over my head, food in my pantry, and friends and family who have shown an overwhelming amount of support to me. All these things he had as well. For whatever reason it was not enough to make him happy with himself or those around him.

We had a therapy session tomorrow, but I will be going alone and let our therapist know what has happened. I am really looking forward to venting and hopefully getting some kind of insight in DH behavior. DH still calls and says he loves me and misses me. I just don't know where I'm suppose to go from here. Do I wait? How long? In my mind I'm preparing myself for doing it on my own, but part of me still has some hope. I like to think the best of people and I guess that can be a fault sometimes.

BTW thanks to all of those who have said I am strong. I don't feel very strong. I just feel like I'm doing what I have to do. I feel like I am so very close to tears all the time. I look forward to my hormones leveling out after the baby is born. But at the same time I'm scared to death to have a new born and 2 little ones to take care of all on my own. But I guess I'll deal with it when the time comes.

Full time mom to 10/04 2/06 and my sweet surpise 3/09
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