Can I vent?
It has just sort of hit me the last couple days how depressing it is to not be able to do anything but lay horizontal on the couch hour after hour, day after day. I am 11.5 weeks and still in the pretty-nearly-all-day m/s (altho I think it is getting better slowly....) and I can't remember the last time I left the house for some alone time, or even alone grocery shopping. All I've done is go to the doctor, which is more depressing because I need to see a hematologist about some weird blood thing I have going again this pregnancy. That doesn't help.
What else? I'm not the loving sweet mama who wants to plan fun outings or even play with DS (2.5 yrs) in his room. If I take DS to the playground (at the bottom of our building) twice a week it's a good week. Leaving DS is a dirty diaper WAY too long because I can't lift my head. Even when DH gets home and they go off to play or make dough in the kitchen, I just think what now? What will I do? I work from home but can't (even when I'm not nauseus) summon the motivation to get anything done.
I know, like DH said today, that I am doing great work here-- making a baby and taking care of DS in a foreign country without any family (oh now I really am going to cry) but I'm just feeling down.
I know things will look up soon-- DS will start school, I will start prenatal yoga and regular prenatal massages, I will feel physically better.
Can anyone relate? Ideas to get through what I hope will be the last couple weeks of this chained-to-the-couch-hell?
I am also having trouble sleeping-- just lie there for and hour or two obessessing about things: how & when to fly my midwife here (from CA), how will I get a tank of oxygen for the birth, how her and her two boys and my sister will fit in my apartment while they are here awaiting the birth, how will I cope if I have twins in there (I don't think I do, but can't shake the feeling and have now started to OBSSESS about it), what will the birth be like (last one was shitty), when we will be able to fly home with the LO to show him/her off, what will be the outcome of my hypercoagulatory blood, how to co-sleep with two babies in bed, etc. I could go on. Really.
But I lay awake thinking about good things too-- reliving some of the fabulous births I have attended, where we will live next (not moving for at least 2 yrs), how I want to decorate our still empty apartment, etc.
So, I guess I can add anxious to the list
P.S. I hate journaling. And I am still on Zoloft for PP depression-- don't feel now is the time to go off, besides I can't imagine how much worse I would feel if I wasn't on these.
Thanks for any advice or support, mamas.