I have an overwhelming feeling of dread...Final update #52 - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 87 Old 09-08-2008, 07:04 PM
 
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mum to Christopher (6/98) Elizabeth (2/05) twins Aaron and Dominic (7/10/06) and new baby Eden (4-18-09)
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#32 of 87 Old 09-08-2008, 07:47 PM
 
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Mom of two girls.
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#33 of 87 Old 09-08-2008, 07:47 PM
 
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What a horrible response from your midwife! I got a similar response when I was suspecting miscarriage in the spring. So, I called the other midwife in the practice who gave the referral I wanted for the u/s. Yeah, we know if it has happened it has happened and cannot be stopped. But, we'd like to know so we can steel ourselves for what is to come rather than just have our worst fears confirmed upon a trip to the bathroom. I totally understand. Like you, I had a sense something was wrong. I had a single, solitary cramp and no bleeding. Ultimately, a missed miscarriage; but *I* knew. The first u/s was inconclusive as the embryo seemed to be pulsing, but not at a rate significantly different from my own. It was a few more weeks before I had it confirmed because nothing was happening. Please take care of yourself and your heart. If it is a loss, the only comforting part for me, was that I did have several weeks to get used to the idea before it completed. I think that was very helpful for me. It would have been much more of a difficult shock to get over had it happened all at once. Especially since I'm not a young mother and was trying to conceive our second. I'll be 39 2 days before this one is due. Hugs to you mama! I'll be praying for the best. I know you will keep us posted.

Mama to add 10/05; ds 3/09, and two angels
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#34 of 87 Old 09-08-2008, 08:20 PM
 
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My heart is breaking for you, I hope your low numbers are just normal for this pregnancy.

That nurse needs a few slaps for prolonging all of this.

My miscarriage falls again into the "statistically abnormal" category. It was missed sometime during week 10 and the baby measured 9w1d when I had the ultrasound at 12w1d (funny, but deceased embryos shrink at the same rate they grow, but it's not like the radiologist knew this). I'd had spotting throughout that pregnancy starting at 5 weeks, really just barely enough to justify a panty liner and no cramping at all, so it seemed to be the norm for me. The miscarriage didn't complete until what should have been 17w1d. I never had any cramping up until the day before and it felt just like the worst poop cramps I've ever had. I essentially went through a scaled-down version of full term labor. In the 5 weeks I waited, I had a number of false alarms, so the miscarriage really took me by suprise, despite the cramping (I was actually out shopping). I felt what I can only describe as a popping sensation before the first gush of blood and clots. I bled for less than 2 weeks and my next period was exactly 28 days from the day the miscarriage completed.

I don't mean to be morbid at all, but MisdiagnosedMiscarriage.com is an excellent resource for anyone going through a m/c or thinks they may be. Every miscarriage is unique, and reading the stories can give you a better picture of the wide range of outcomes to expect.
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#35 of 87 Old 09-08-2008, 08:26 PM
 
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I'm sorry you got such an unfavorable response from your midwife, mama. I will say, though as for the cramping, I've had that with every pregnancy. My miscarriage pregnancy was much more severe (like bent over in so much pain) and it was an early m/c.

I hope you see a nice little bean with a heartbeat tomorrow!

Wife to 1~Mom to 5 ages brand new to 12~Rural Mail Carrier~Keeper of 2 dogs, 1 cat & a flock of chickens :
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#36 of 87 Old 09-08-2008, 09:59 PM
 
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I am so sorry you are going through this. We will all be thinking of you tomorrow and waiting to hear.
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#37 of 87 Old 09-08-2008, 11:50 PM
 
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I found this: http://www.americanpregnancy.org/dur...hcglevels.html

Quote:
The results from an ultrasound after 5 - 6 weeks gestation are much more accurate than using hCG numbers.
Quote:
A single hCG reading is not enough information for most diagnoses. When there is a question regarding the health of the pregnancy, multiple testings of hCG done a couple of days apart give a more accurate assessment of the situation.
Quote:
* These numbers are just a GUIDELINE-- every woman’s level of hCG can rise differently. It is not necessarily the level that matters but rather the change in the level.
I just have this feeling that that baby is fine. I know you feel differently and I know how hard it is to feel the way you feel.

Jaclyn, Madly in with DH, Scott. Mama to Calli Elizabeth (23 months) & our new little man, Bode Keam (9 weeks).
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#38 of 87 Old 09-09-2008, 12:25 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I just have this feeling that that baby is fine. I know you feel differently and I know how hard it is to feel the way you feel.
Thank you. You are very sweet and I really, deeply appreciate your hope. Thank you for having that hope for me when I can't seem to find it anymore myself; I'm very touched.

Of all the people we'll have to break our sad news to, the ones I'm dreading the most are my children. They have been so incredibly excited about a new baby. Just today, two of them, at different times, asked me various questions about the baby and homebirth. My heart just broke into tiny pieces trying to respond in a careful and neutral way. I really don't think I'll be able to tell them for a long time next time around; it just hurts too much.

Guin

caffix.giftoddler.gifnocirc.gifBusy, grateful mama to: Kieran (12); Hanna (10); Cameron (8);
Charlotte (6);Sophie (5) Down Syndrome & so beautiful! brokenheart.gif(9/08), & rainbow1284.gifDuncan 8/26/09
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#39 of 87 Old 09-09-2008, 02:18 AM
 
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Please let us know your news right away. I am holding my breath for you now...sending you good vibes and hoping all is well.

Many, many cyber {{{hugs}}}
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#40 of 87 Old 09-09-2008, 09:00 AM
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Mama, I'm sorry you are having to wait. That is so hard. Sending you love and peaceful vibes...
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#41 of 87 Old 09-09-2008, 09:33 AM
 
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(I cannot believe how insensitive the midwife was!?!? Are you going to hire her?)

Missionary, birth-worker, midwifery student
Mama to love.gif DD (9yr), DS luxlove.gif (3yr), & 2twins.gif UC twin DDs (5yr)

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#42 of 87 Old 09-09-2008, 10:03 AM
 
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I hope all goes well Mama. You are in my thoughts. So sorry you're midwife was so insensitive.
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#43 of 87 Old 09-09-2008, 01:23 PM
 
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Just thinking about you and hoping for an update today, Guin!

Ever-evolving mama to my beautiful Brynn, and my little dimple-face Noah .
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#44 of 87 Old 09-09-2008, 01:28 PM
 
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we are here for you guin...

Cat - Mother to Jonathon (1-24-1987) ; Lola (3-24-2003) ; Xiola (9-27-2005) : 8 wks (4-2008) ; 11 1/2 weeks (9-2008); and 7.5 weeks (5-2010) Nana to William (3-27-2009) Blog: AmLo Farms
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#45 of 87 Old 09-09-2008, 03:17 PM
 
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Hoping you got great news today.

Wife to 1~Mom to 5 ages brand new to 12~Rural Mail Carrier~Keeper of 2 dogs, 1 cat & a flock of chickens :
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#46 of 87 Old 09-09-2008, 03:40 PM
 
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Not in you DDC mama, but I wanted to let you know that you and your LO are in my thoughts. I hope all ends up being well!

Kellylady.gif, married to the love of my life, Denpeace.gif , DD1 5/07dust.gif , 11/07, DD2 10/08modifiedartist.gif , DDS 8/10jammin.gif, expecting our next blessing this winter!

 
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#47 of 87 Old 09-09-2008, 04:11 PM
 
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Just another note of support, thought and stickybaby vibes...

Autumn (1990) Blake (1993) Zoe (2001) Dmitrios (2002) and William (April 2009) born still @ 39 wks - my 4ever
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#48 of 87 Old 09-09-2008, 05:31 PM
 
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Just checking in for an update. I really hope everything is ok, mama. I haven't quit thinking about you since I saw your first post. If you ever wanna chat please feel free to PM ok. s

Jaclyn, Madly in with DH, Scott. Mama to Calli Elizabeth (23 months) & our new little man, Bode Keam (9 weeks).
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#49 of 87 Old 09-09-2008, 05:41 PM
 
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I haven't been online for a few days and just saw this thread....
Guin, sending you good vibes, hugs and hoping to hear a good update.
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#50 of 87 Old 09-09-2008, 06:25 PM
 
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I'm thinking of you today too--hope all is well.

Mama to Nell (11/15/06) and Maggie (10/9/10) . AFTER 2.5 YEARS, I AM AN AUNTIE!!! joy.gifHOORAY TEAR78 and welcome Anika and Brand New Baby Boy!!!!  Circumcision: the more you know, the worse it is; please leave the decision up to your son!

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#51 of 87 Old 09-09-2008, 10:27 PM
 
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I too am thinking of you and hoping you got some good news today.

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#52 of 87 Old 09-10-2008, 12:18 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Hey there, everyone,

Sorry it took me so long to update; it's been a long, long day, and I really didn't sleep much at all last night (too worried and in pain), so I ended up needing to take a nap this afternoon to be able to function at all.

DH went with me to the u/s. We saw very little. There was a small, empty gestational sac and nothing more. No baby without a hb, which was honestly the image I was most dreading. Nothing baby-like at all, in fact. Just a sad little empty black spot where the baby should have been.

So I'm actually doing okay. I'm obviously sad, as is DH, but knowing that nothing really developed even from the very beginning feels different to me somehow than the loss of the physical baby that I expected. Instead it feels more like the loss of a sweet and beautiful dream, the dream of our next baby. And we fully intend to try for that dream again. Of course, it's also possible I'm totally in denial -- only time will tell, I suppose.

In a very odd sort of way I was relieved that the u/s didn't show a hb. B/c if it had, while I still had all this pain and worry and stress, then I would have been deeply confused and would have felt that my instincts were totally wrong. And since my instincts are what saved Sophie's life, I now put a lot more stock into them. Finding out that I had imagined/misinterpreted the dread I spoke of at the beginning of this post would have made me lose a lot of confidence in my ability to read my body. Does that make any sense?

We told the kids this afternoon, assuring them that there was nothing I or they or anyone could have done, that this is just something that happens sometimes, and that we were disappointed, but that we would try again to add a new baby to our family.

So, that leaves the actual m/c. My cramping, which had gotten very bad indeed, has all but stopped. And I haven't had a spot of blood, not even from all that probing around with the transvaginal u/s. My body seems bound and determined to stay pg, even when there's no pg! I still feel totally pg, too. Ugh.

So I've requested a D&C and will find out tomorrow when it will be scheduled. If I m/c on my own before then, that would be fine, but I'm not confident it's happening anytime soon. I'm supposed to be 9 wks. along tomorrow and clearly my body has been carrying on without a baby for a very long time already, with no real clue. Now that I know, for the sake of my mental health, I need to end this as soon as I can.

I can't thank you enough for all the support you have shown me on this thread; it really meant a lot to me. I have really enjoyed posting with all of you and sharing our hopes and stories, and I fully hope to "see" you around on a due date board again before too long; take care of yourselves and I'll be watching for all your beautiful babies and birth stories come April!

Guin

caffix.giftoddler.gifnocirc.gifBusy, grateful mama to: Kieran (12); Hanna (10); Cameron (8);
Charlotte (6);Sophie (5) Down Syndrome & so beautiful! brokenheart.gif(9/08), & rainbow1284.gifDuncan 8/26/09
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#53 of 87 Old 09-10-2008, 12:22 AM
 
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. I'm sorry. I understand what you mean about listening to your body. You must have very good instincts, mama. Take care of yourself. I'm sad for you, but with five beauties I'm sure another will be along shortly...let us know! .

Mama to one little blur, watching everything move too fast. Eden 4/10/2009.
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#54 of 87 Old 09-10-2008, 12:25 AM
 
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In a very odd sort of way I was relieved that the u/s didn't show a hb. B/c if it had, while I still had all this pain and worry and stress, then I would have been deeply confused and would have felt that my instincts were totally wrong. And since my instincts are what saved Sophie's life, I now put a lot more stock into them. Finding out that I had imagined/misinterpreted the dread I spoke of at the beginning of this post would have made me lose a lot of confidence in my ability to read my body. Does that make any sense?
Guin
It makes perfect sense. I'm so glad you have--and trust--that ability to read your body. Long may you keep it.

Mom of two girls.
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#55 of 87 Old 09-10-2008, 12:44 AM
 
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Oh, Guin, I am so sorry. You'll be missed. Take car of yourself .
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#56 of 87 Old 09-10-2008, 12:52 AM
 
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I'm sorry for your loss. Your ability (and willingness) to listen to your body is inspiring. Take care of yourself and give your family some big hugs.
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#57 of 87 Old 09-10-2008, 12:53 AM
 
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I'm so sorry. Take care of yourself.
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#58 of 87 Old 09-10-2008, 01:11 AM
 
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Oh, hun, I am so sorry! I was really REALLY hoping that everything was fine. What you are saying about your intuition, gut feeling, instincts etc. makes absolute perfect sense. I am sorry about the loss of your pregnancy but sooo happy that you were right on and knew exactly what was going on. Best wishes to you, mama. I hope you get a new hope very soon.

I read a story once where a little child told its mother after her miscarriage that it was ok because that baby that was supposed to come wasn't ready. The next time she gets pregnant that baby is first in line to come to this world.

Jaclyn, Madly in with DH, Scott. Mama to Calli Elizabeth (23 months) & our new little man, Bode Keam (9 weeks).
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#59 of 87 Old 09-10-2008, 01:25 AM
 
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I'm so sorry. s

Wife to 1~Mom to 5 ages brand new to 12~Rural Mail Carrier~Keeper of 2 dogs, 1 cat & a flock of chickens :
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#60 of 87 Old 09-10-2008, 01:56 AM
 
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I'm so sorry, Guin. I'm glad that you trusted your instincts and are hoping okay. Be gentle with yourself and take care

"Guess what? It's a magical world. And when I sing, my songs are in it."
Madly in love with my 7 and 4 year old daughters

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