Dh is gone, this hurts - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 40 Old 01-30-2009, 01:48 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Smithie View Post
I'm so sorry mama! It sounds like you are very strong and already bouncing back, but still - what a thing to have to deal with at this moment in time!

Have you though about your parenting plan? If you want him gone forever (and I would, to avoid future custody battles, stepmothers, general interference in my life etc. etc.), you need to start talking NOW about the termination of parental rights. No matter what he says, without a TPR he can show up and wreck your life YEARS from now.

If you plan to coparent, you need to start talking NOW about financial support etc., and about how a nursing baby shouldn't be separated from mom for visitation. If he truly wants to be a father to his child, then that can be a good outcome, but there needs to be a lot of communication about how he can be involved without sacrificing your baby's welfare by doing the every-other-weekend deal when s/he is very young.

What you actually need, I fear, is a lawyer.
All too true.

Wife of Michael , SAHM to Aristotle 09/99 Raphael 06/07 and Marius 05/09 Known only in dreams but never forgotten: Euphrates Decluttering 290/2010
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#32 of 40 Old 01-30-2009, 02:12 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by Smithie View Post
I'm so sorry mama! It sounds like you are very strong and already bouncing back, but still - what a thing to have to deal with at this moment in time!

Have you though about your parenting plan? If you want him gone forever (and I would, to avoid future custody battles, stepmothers, general interference in my life etc. etc.), you need to start talking NOW about the termination of parental rights. No matter what he says, without a TPR he can show up and wreck your life YEARS from now.

If you plan to coparent, you need to start talking NOW about financial support etc., and about how a nursing baby shouldn't be separated from mom for visitation. If he truly wants to be a father to his child, then that can be a good outcome, but there needs to be a lot of communication about how he can be involved without sacrificing your baby's welfare by doing the every-other-weekend deal when s/he is very young.

What you actually need, I fear, is a lawyer.
With TPR I wouldn't get child support, right? I know at least for right now he'll leave me and the kids alone. I have thought about moving out of state because I know that I won't have to deal with him much if I do. I know he definitely won't try to take a nursing baby from me. I don't really think he'll want to be *that* involved. He's more likely to take the kids out to his parents and not be that involved while they're there. I don't want that for several reasons, just one being that they had a clue what he was doing and didn't tell me a thing.

This was not his first marriage and he had a daughter from his previous marriage, so I have a clue how things will go. I'm not sure how much he'll push for visitation, but I'm sure if I'm out of state he's probably not going to push that hard. With the binge drinking, dating a pothead (oh, and I just found out she's already pg with another mans baby, not dh's) among other stupid things, I just don't think he's that good of an influence for the kids. I think he'll try to pay as much as he can now, but I don't believe it will last so I'm going to do as much as I can now to prepare for the future.

I really don't think he'd go for tpr, in fact I think he'd be really offended and it's better if I try to keep this amicable right now.
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#33 of 40 Old 01-30-2009, 02:17 PM
 
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I think TPR was suggested on the assumption that this was your first with him.

Wife of Michael , SAHM to Aristotle 09/99 Raphael 06/07 and Marius 05/09 Known only in dreams but never forgotten: Euphrates Decluttering 290/2010
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#34 of 40 Old 01-30-2009, 02:19 PM
 
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Not in you DDC...just saw your post and wanted to send

Just a thought, if you don't need the child support, you could just not put him down on the birth certificate (although check your state--you may have to be divorced before the baby comes for this to be an option). That way if he wants to make the effort to establish paternity it's he can do that but it would require effort on his part.

Mama to DS (6/07) h20homebirth.gif, DD (6/09) h20homebirth.gif, and DD (07/12) homebirth.jpg..

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#35 of 40 Old 01-30-2009, 04:48 PM
 
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Ah, I didn't realize there were other kids. You're right, TPR would probably offend him in that case.

Moving out of state? A great option if he's not in the mood to fight you on it right now. Move FAR. I hear it's nice in Australia
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#36 of 40 Old 01-30-2009, 09:18 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Smithie View Post
Ah, I didn't realize there were other kids. You're right, TPR would probably offend him in that case.

Moving out of state? A great option if he's not in the mood to fight you on it right now. Move FAR. I hear it's nice in Australia
I overlooked that too...sorry!

Mama to DS (6/07) h20homebirth.gif, DD (6/09) h20homebirth.gif, and DD (07/12) homebirth.jpg..

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#37 of 40 Old 01-30-2009, 10:32 PM
 
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So sorry to hear about the mess. It does sound, though, like it's really for the best. Make sure you don't try to bear it all alone, though!

Hugs,
Heather
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#38 of 40 Old 01-31-2009, 02:48 AM
 
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Oh my goodness. From your description of him and his new interest, he is definitely not worth the pain. Good thing you got out now rather than later down the track. Imagine trying to rely on someone like that with a newborn? You're much better off doing it on your own than being let down by him again and again.

This will make you, and your relationship with your little one, so much stronger.

Our baby boy, Kynan Glenn, born 6 June 09
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#39 of 40 Old 02-02-2009, 01:12 AM
 
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I'm so sorry you're going through this right now!

But it seems you have some positive things to focus on, keep doing that! It's the best thing for you and your little ones at the time being. Take care of yourself mama.

~Erin~ totally in with Olivia! 5/31/09
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#40 of 40 Old 02-02-2009, 02:49 PM
 
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I'm so sorry mama.

I just wanted to let you know that you're in my thoughts and I'm sending loving healing vibes your way!

Sadie
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