Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Richmond, VA
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Kelly (28), in love with husband Jason (38) and our awesome babies: Emma 4/09, and Ozzy 8/10
Jam 7, Peanut Butter 5, and Bread 2.
Loving WAHM/Student Mommy to DD (6.5) and DS (2.5)
Not sure if I'm looking for advice, looking to vent, or what. I'm just going a bit nuts thinking about this and trying to figure out what to do.
Um, my husband's mother doesn't yet know that I'm pregnant.
Or that we're married.
It's been probably two-three years since we've spoken to her. I have met her, but only a handful of times (Jason and I started dating over six years ago).
The situation with her is kind of odd. She is really not much of a mother in any sense of the word except biological. My husband was not abused, but definitely neglected for his entire childhood. She's never shown much interest in him and they have hardly spoken since he moved out when he was 17 (he's 35 now-- we have a bit of a large age difference).
When we got married, we'd debated about telling her and/or inviting her, but he really wasn't comfortable with it, and since it's his mother, I felt that it should be his choice.
Since I've been pregnant, I've brought it up with him twice-- once soon after we found out, and once about six weeks ago-- and both times he agreed that we would have to at least tell her, but he just seems really uncomfortable with it.
For all the craziness with him growing up, he's amazingly well-adjusted and wonderful person, and I have complete and utter confidence in him as a father. I don't think that this is something that he needs any therapy/counseling about (which I know he would NOT want to do anyway). He's moved on fine and is happy in his life, it's just this one area that he is still sensitive about, he really doesn't like talking to or thinking about her.
There is no other family in the picture (mostly because of her), he doesn't even know how he would contact his grandparents or if they are still living, and he only has one sibling-- a sister-- and their relationship is non-existent, they were never close.
Part of me, for a time, was thinking that if he didn't want to even tell her about the baby, that would be his choice. My attitude on it is that she doesn't deserve any part of his life, even if she wanted it (which her actions have consistently shown that she has zero interest). And while it is kind of sad, for me, to know that my daughter will not have much family on her father's side, my family MORE than makes up for it (I have an extremely close-knit, extremely large, extremely loving extended family-- our daughter will have more caring and loving relatives than she'll know what to do with).
But the thing is-- Jason knows little to nothing about his family history. And while I don't think anything can be done about our daughter lacking in actual family members on that side, I have two concerns:
1) I want her to know where she comes from. I've always loved knowing stories of my ancestors, and I regret that she may not have that from one side-- and what will I tell her, when she asks about daddy's family?
2) This is the BIG one-- medical history. My family is insanely healthy, we have no history of heart problems, breast cancer or other cancers, etc., etc. But I don't know about his side of the family. (And this isn't only concern for her, it's for him, too). I wonder if there is something I should be able to tell her for later on in life, like breast cancer history, etc.
It isn't an issue of really telling his mother so that she could be a part of my daughter's life, although if she wanted to, we could work on that being a possibility (although under no circumstances would she ever be babysitting or anything like that-- I would never want my daughter alone with her, and my husband agrees wholeheartedly on that point). It's more an issue of what my daughter has a right to know.
When I last brought this up with Jason, he was nodding as soon as I started talking... he said yeah, he'd been thinking about it, too, he just really finds it easy to put it off because he so doesn't want to contact her. He said half-joking "maybe you could call her and tell her"-- but in that way that was kind of an attitude of "yeah, I'm joking... unless you want to..." You know?
*sigh* I don't know why I'm even posting this, except talking it out makes me feel a bit better.
I know I've got to talk to him again about it, and figure out what we're going to do, pretty soon... not much time left before the baby gets here, and for some reason I think it's better to show up pregnant, than to show up with the baby already born.
I don't know.
If it makes you feel better, my father took off at birth, and I know nothing about him or his side of the family, including medically, and so far, it hasn't been an issue.
... when she found out she was going to be "a grandmother" she suddenly was all about calling and visiting and just being annoying really when it came down to it. She liked to brag to her friends about her beautiful grandchildren and such.