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#1 of 4 Old 07-25-2014, 04:45 PM - Thread Starter
 
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hello everyone

I'm part of a blended family, my husband was raised alot differently than I was and I have raised my 9 year old daughter differently than he thinks should have been. But my daughter also has a father who is currently in jail.
My daughter is very argumentative and has a very bad attitude, very mouthy amd disrespectful due to living with her father for 18 months while I was recovering from having several surgeries, and at times I was to sick to take carr of her, and my husband worked 16 to 18 hours a day to maintain our bills. During the time that my daughter was with her father she was exposed to sex orgies, her father had multiple sexual partners in and out of life sometimes 5 or 6 different woman in a week. She was also exposed to mental and emotional abuse as well as her father being an alcoholic and drug user. I have has her back since November (she lived with her fathrt from august 2012 until November 2013) during the time he would tell her that I hated her and didn't want her and lord only knows what else. Now it's very difficult with her, my husband and I try and explain things to her like why she can't leave chapstick in her pockets she likes to interupt us and argue with us over everything. Doesn't like to eat what is made for dinner and gets mad if we tell her she can't have seconds of what she does like if she doesn't eat everything on her plate first. My husband is to the point that he can't stand being around her. And here's the other kicker, my husband's mother lives with us, my mother in law in my opinion is very mean and she makes my daughter feel unwanted.
I'm to the point that I am stressed and depressed all the time because the mother in law doesn't like my methods and I refuse to use her methods which are physical.
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#2 of 4 Old 07-30-2014, 06:22 AM
 
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Hi, I'm sorry to hear that you are having a hard time. I don't have any advice to offer but I hope you can find some help here.

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#3 of 4 Old 07-30-2014, 07:16 AM
 
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Hi and welcome. I am so sorry to hear you are struggling. It sounds like your daughter is as well. The support of counseling could be very useful for each of you. And maybe family counseling if you can find a good therapist who is skilled enough to make everyone feel safe and heard.

There are a lot of wonderful parents here on the forums. Many of us don't read the introductions of new members so I suggest copying your posts in a forum that seems a good fit for what you are looking for. Maybe Parents as Partners or Childhood Years?

Hugs to you!
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#4 of 4 Old 07-30-2014, 07:37 AM
 
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One more thought!
Your daughter experienced an extremely abusive living situation for a year and a half. She may have thought it would never end and may not trust that you will be there for her always. From her perspective, you sent her away once and she is likely afraid that you will send her away again at any time. It is a common abandonment symptom to push loved ones away and misbehave because the process of re-attaching is too scary. (I can't relax because mom might leave me in a scary place again!
Age 8-9 is an age when children normally misbehave and push at parents more intensely than before. It is a time when they are becoming more self aware and aware of the world around them. Often there are more nightmares, daytime fears of being kidnapped, fears that parents will die and leave them all alone. This is a normal developmental stage. And your daughter was living in a nightmare as she entered this stage. She did not get daily reassurance that she was ok and that her parents would hold steady for her.
So, she could be pushing for that reassurance now. She needs you and your husband and mother in law to show her that you are rock solid. You love her. And that her behavior is not ok, but your love will never change, no matter how disrespectful she gets.
I assume she does worse than what you have described. Leaving Chapstick in pockets and not eating dinner and arguing back are mild for what she has gone through. (In my opinion)
This stage of development is a time when learning practical survival skills helps kids feel more secure. So learning how to make her favorite meal (and inviting her to cook that for the family if she wants to), learning how to run the washing machine and care for her clothes (removing chap stick too), learning to garden, vacuum, build a fort, use public transit, etc.
All these help this development stage and may be a way you can re-bond in a positive way.
Hang in there Mama. It sounds like you have gone through a hard time. Make sure you are taking time to refuel yourself too!
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