I feel myself slipping
I need to vent. I've been super stressed lately with work and money, and the fact that my spouse wants another child(and I don't). On top of that, there's a new puppy and three year old twins who are pushing every boundary all the time. I'm the breadwinner and am out of the house most days, leaving before the family wakes but usually home with a couple hours to spend time with everyone before the kids go to sleep. I have a pretty great life by most standards: house, cars, work, cats... But lately, and ever more often, I'm consumed with anxiety and anger. And I know that it's affecting my children, but I just don't know how to curb it. Sometimes I smoke a joint or drink a beer, and that takes the edge off- but those are temporary fixes. I just feel so trapped. My spouse wants another child, and though at times I think it would be sweet to relive those early days of baby, I just really am not excited about being responsible for another human being for the next 18+ years. I was never a girl who dreamt of having kids. Ever. And though I love my children now, and can't imagine life without them, I know that another child is not what I want right now- or maybe ever. The cost, the stress the relationship with my spouse, the stress on my relationship with my current children. I just don't know how much more personal stress I can take on. Part of me just wants to bury myself in work and never look up. But I become a real bitch when I do that. I get shitty and irritable and impatient. My youngest daughter recently told my spouse that I scare her. And I know I did- after the 100th time of her getting out of bed tonight, I finally got stern with her and scared her with a sharp tone. But I hate that I did that. It's just eroding our bond. I just don't know how to get to a place where I can just be me , be happy, and leave the stress behind. Because our house right now is not a calm and peaceful home. It's a mess. And I fear that my kids are going to grow up to hate me (or resent me, or avoid me), and I just dont want that. I don't know what's wrong with me.