The "I don't have the patience to homeschool" argument - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 158 Old 04-29-2009, 12:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I hear this ALL the time! Parents who seem sad with their lack of choices within the public school system, but who think they don't have the patience.

When people tell me this, I get a little worried.

My daughter is in an Enki preschool until the end of June, and then I plan to start homeschooling her in the fall (around the time our baby is due). I have always intended on homeschooling, even before she was born. But it's true, she is a very strong-willed child, has her own opinion for everything, etc. I have a hard time being patient with her.

But can I do it? I don't want to make our relationship worse by being impatient with her. Should I just realize when things are making me crazy that she's not ready (like when I try and have her read BOB books...a learn-to-read series, and I'm the one who gets frustrated).

Do others of you realize impatience is one of your flaws, but you somehow overcome it in order to homeschool the way you want to?

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#2 of 158 Old 04-29-2009, 12:11 PM
 
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I personally do not have the patience to send my children to school.

Teachers are impatient with children at school. I know so many impatient school teachers.

You find patience and love for your pupil. I personally would rather it be one or five students than 30.

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#3 of 158 Old 04-29-2009, 12:16 PM
 
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I'm not a very patient person, and I am homeschooling my daughter

She's not even two, and I know it will get easier once we can "communicate" with each other, but I know that for all my impatient, fleeting moments, our days will still be rich with learning and creativity.

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#4 of 158 Old 04-29-2009, 12:18 PM
 
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Should I just realize when things are making me crazy that she's not ready
Yes! Or it could be that she's not interested or not interested in learning that particular skill in that particular way. If she's not into it, let it go. There are a million things out there she'd find interesting so why waste time on stuff she doesn't like and makes you crazy? I wouldn't advise every single person to do this but with really strong-willed kids it's just not worth it.

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Do others of you realize impatience is one of your flaws, but you somehow overcome it in order to homeschool the way you want to?
Yep, I'm impatient and fairly quick to anger. I don't know if I can totally change that about myself but do find ways of keeping calm, not engaging in power struggles, not stressing out too much about things that don't matter in the long run, etc.
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#5 of 158 Old 04-29-2009, 12:59 PM
 
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If a person is impatient with their child (and who isn't, at least from time to time??), it's not going to be any better if they don't decide to address it and work on it.

With homeschooling, impatience and a whole lot of other things that a parents can kind of "ignore" if their child is in school are brought out into full light and demand to be addressed. I think when people think school "helps" them out of having to be with their children, it's only that school life helps them to avoid dealing with it.

Homeschooling is a great opportunity for us as parents to grow in understanding of our children and have the time and space to work on the relationships we have with them. I see that as a positive!!! It's not always easy, but parenting isn't always "easy"--it's stretching us to our very limits some days and expanding how we live with each other. It's accepting our children as important as they are and finding ways to live in harmony and respect for one another.

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#6 of 158 Old 04-29-2009, 01:39 PM
 
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Ah...the "patience to HS arguement". I hear it a lot.

What, I wonder, does it really mean?

Does it mean they worry that without alone time they will be burnt out and act impatient around their kids?

I think this is a valid argument, but I do not think HSing is the only way to get adult time. Some HSing moms work, take classes, join gyms, etc. Insisting on quiet or down times during the day may also help.

Do they see HS as something that requires a lot of patience as an activity?

This is less valid an argument, IMHO. HSers have the power to set up their environment in a way that is not stress inducing. Certainly, things can go off kilter when HSing - but that is often a sign things need tweeking.

Truly, on a per capita basis, I have seen far more parents of public school children have issues with stress and patience over homework than I have seen HS parents stress over HSing.





Most of us have kids home during the summer - and deal just fine.
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#7 of 158 Old 04-29-2009, 01:46 PM
 
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I am MORE patient as a homeschooler than I ever was when my kids were in ps and I was teaching at the same school. Our stress level is reduced, we progress at our own pace, and it just makes it easier to stop and take a deep breath when things get difficult.
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#8 of 158 Old 04-29-2009, 03:17 PM
 
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Originally Posted by kathymuggle View Post
HSers have the power to set up their environment in a way that is not stress inducing. Certainly, things can go off kilter when HSing - but that is often a sign things need tweeking.
This is so true. There are so many ways to set up the environment, the schedule, etc. But it does take some thought. I think what was most helpful to me was to work out a Homeschool/Educational philosophy as a guide:

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=957698

I also have a strong-willed and opinionated ds -- and I wouldn't have it any other way He's been extremely helpful in letting me know what he's interested in and when it isn't working.

Laura - Mom to ds (10) and dd (7) "Time stands still best in moments that look suspiciously like ordinary life." Brian Andreas.

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#9 of 158 Old 04-29-2009, 03:21 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Raene View Post
Should I just realize when things are making me crazy that she's not ready
yep. When children are learning something that they want to learn and are ready to learn, and they are learning it in a way that makes sense to them, then it is a joyful experience.

Some kids require more patience than others, but it isn't about how they are educated. It's just their personalities. Homeschooling doesn't require more patience than helping with homework. At least with homeschooling, you just dump anything that doesn't work for your child. With school, you get a break from the child (which might help you have more patience later), but you lose control over the work they are required to do.

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#10 of 158 Old 04-29-2009, 04:29 PM
 
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Like Joyseeker, I find I'm much more patient now that i'm homeschooling. I don't have the frantic rush in the morning to get them out the door, I don't have to time my life to pick them up from school and they aren't rushed either....they are so much happier and more easy-going now. That's not to say that it's easy. It's a learning process. One of the greatest things about homeschooling, and raising children in general, is that you learn to accept your own shortcomings, to give yourself what you need to function well, to forgive yourself when you blow it, and to know that every morning you get to start fresh and try again. I find the rhythm of my life now allows me time for all of that. I think my kids are more forgiving too -- we see each other so much more that there's a lot more give and take, a lot more discussion, a lot more understanding than when we were rushing around a school schedule.

Remember, too, that your child is still wee. The more expressive language they have, the more you can discuss and understand each other. If you've survived toddlerhood, you can survive anything!!!
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#11 of 158 Old 04-29-2009, 04:38 PM
 
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When I tried homeschooling my son for K, it was awful. Power struggles galore, frustrations, meltdowns etc.

Now we unschool and its bliss.

ETA: When he tried school it was the same frustration but school also added learning to hate math and writing and the social situation being extremely stressful.

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#12 of 158 Old 04-29-2009, 04:56 PM
 
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I have little patience when we need to get stuff done or get out of the house by a certain time and everyone needs to go to the toilet all at once right then...

I find that these 'pinch' points in the day happen much less often when you are home and have your own rhythm.

There will be no fight over getting up too late and not getting dressed and having breakfast in time to get to school ON TIME; no journey to school in traffic or horrid weather; there will be no ratty, tired, hungry, stressed out after school child either which makes the early evenings smoother.

When you aren't engaged in any target specific or time limited activities all sorts of things matter less and you have no reason to be impatient. If you find yourself getting impatient over something or other to do with learning you could ask yourself 'Who benefits from this?' If it isn't your child then you can back away and leave it.

We are unschoolers and it is my dd who gets impatient that she can't make things work or do things that she wants to with her body or work something out for herself - not me! I offer her sympathy and perhaps some solution if she asks for it but I don't get impatient.
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#13 of 158 Old 04-29-2009, 05:23 PM
 
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well

1. my sons are both "under school age" and thus "expected to be home (though we get a lot of "what preschool" ).

there are sure time i loose my cool () but it is -- imo -- a way God is useing parenting to make me a better person. WOuld i be that better person -- and thus my children reap the reward -- if i wasn't with them, NOPE.

so yes i expect to be challanged as a homeschool mom -- and i expect the challanges to help me grow and thus be a better all around person and mom.

2. e veryone HAS to know their own limits. If a parent can't cope -- then they should access schools system. I know one family where there were a number of children, one with some big SN and they ended up putting that little girl in a day program 3 days a week -- so the mom could work with the other kids and cope with the house too -- then on the other 4 days the girl was home all day with the family. eveyone has to do what works for he whole famil;y.

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#14 of 158 Old 04-29-2009, 05:26 PM
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I may not the patience to homeschool. Not saying I would never do it, and I have considered it definitely, but to be honest I am looking forward to my kids being away for a few hours every day. I need the break!

Patience is not one of my strong suits and it's a huge issue for me that I work hard on in my parenting.
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#15 of 158 Old 04-29-2009, 05:32 PM
 
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I think that's akin to saying "I need to put my kids in daycare because I don't have the patience to stay home." Which happens, but it's less frequent.

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#16 of 158 Old 04-29-2009, 05:38 PM
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I think that's akin to saying "I need to put my kids in daycare because I don't have the patience to stay home." Which happens, but it's less frequent.
I know people who have done that, it's not that uncommon Being a stay at home mom is hard!

I think there's a difference between staying home with a young kid where all you have to do is keep them fed/changed/ect than actually being responsible for your older child's entire schooling, all the while dealing with your younger children at the same time. That's a tall order and I think it's perfectly valid that some people find themselves unable to do it.
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#17 of 158 Old 04-29-2009, 06:22 PM
 
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I am not so convinced that teachers at school are so patient. I have certainly witnessed teachers' with sharp tones, the placing children into time-outs (they usually have a different word...reflection chair?), and even a teacher of my ds becoming physically aggressive when he was frustrated (and hence why we now hs).

I have also witnessed other children not being particularly patient with other students, resorting to name-calling and bullying.

So, I am not so convinced that school is such a patience-filled environment. And, at least at home I can ensure 100% love and acceptance, even if I lose my patience (which does happen sometimes, and then I apologize and commit myself further to the spiritual discipline of treating others with kindness).
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#18 of 158 Old 04-29-2009, 06:30 PM
 
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I think people who say this kind of thing don't want to homeschool. Which is 100% fine. You, however, want to homeschool, so if patience is an issue, you'll deal with it (and whatever else comes up).
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#19 of 158 Old 04-29-2009, 07:09 PM
 
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I think people who say this kind of thing don't want to homeschool. Which is 100% fine. You, however, want to homeschool, so if patience is an issue, you'll deal with it (and whatever else comes up).
Yeah, I agree. It's a completely valid choice to choose school IMO, so if someone just doesn't want to homeschool, that's okay. But if you want to stay home with her, you'll deal with it, just like you'll deal with all the drama that comes along with having two children. I, for instance, have only one child because I don't want to deal with having two. If I changed my mind about wanting that, then I'd have another kid. I don't think that means I'm incapable of dealing with two kids; I just don't want to.
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#20 of 158 Old 04-29-2009, 07:11 PM
 
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I know people who have done that, it's not that uncommon Being a stay at home mom is hard!

I think there's a difference between staying home with a young kid where all you have to do is keep them fed/changed/ect than actually being responsible for your older child's entire schooling, all the while dealing with your younger children at the same time. That's a tall order and I think it's perfectly valid that some people find themselves unable to do it.
The thing is.....no matter where you "school" you are responsible for their schooling. At some point the child themselves becomes responsible for their schooling. Neither of these things are dependant on where they are schooled.

If a child is at school and cannot read by a certain age - it is your problem. If they are having social issues - it is your problem. If they have diffiuclty waking up for the bus, it is your problem. You are the parent - and unless things are going along swimmingly - you have to deal.

Going to school is a tall order.

Of course, you may choose to send your child to school. Look at both HS and schooling - see what works for your child, family, etc. But I do not think "patience" comes into it - patience is something you have to cultivate no matter what.

Peace,

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#21 of 158 Old 04-29-2009, 07:18 PM
 
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I used to say this all the time before we planned to homeschool and still say it now that we are.

It has nothing to do with wanting to put my kids in daycare or their behavior, I have been a SAHM and a WAHM for almost years.... but that is vastly different from being solely responsible for educating a child. Especially when you and said child don't have the perfect relationship, no matter how attached the child was as a baby and infant. Especially if you and the child don't have the same learning/teaching styles. Especially when you have spirited kids and siblings

We have only been doing it for 5 months or so and I will be the first to say I still don't like homeschooling... its frustrating and stressful and most days I don't look forward to it and the fight it always brings. A curriculum has helped, but if I had a decent school for her to go to she would be there. I hope that changes, but I know it may not and I accept that.
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#22 of 158 Old 04-29-2009, 07:19 PM
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I think people who say this kind of thing don't want to homeschool. Which is 100% fine. You, however, want to homeschool, so if patience is an issue, you'll deal with it (and whatever else comes up).
That's a great point. If I REALLY REALLY REALLY wanted to homeschool, I'd find a way to make it happen. I think for me though, I suspect I'd be unhappy homeschooling, which would effect my patience and tolerence level.
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#23 of 158 Old 04-29-2009, 07:23 PM
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I don't agree that you are still 100% responsible for your child's schooling if they are going to school. yes of course all parents need some level of patience, but there's a difference between having them 24 hours a day and having them at school for 6 hours a day 5 days a week and just helping them with their homework or whatever issues they have or whatnot. Going to school may be a tall order, but imo, homeschool is an even taller one.

Also, some parents choose to get tutors for their kids when they have an academic problem....lots of parents take zero interest in actually teaching their kids anything. My mother never helped me academically, I just HAPPENED to be smart.
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#24 of 158 Old 04-29-2009, 07:30 PM
 
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Couldn't you entertain the possibility that these people are telling the truth about themselves?

I say this as someone who...drumroll please...doesn't have the patience to homeschool.

Being a sahm with under-school aged kids was difficult for me. I needed a break from them and I wasn't a good parent when I didn't get it. I'm so much calmer and happier now that they are in school!

Now, if our local school was horrible of course I would woman up and homeschool my kids. Not a doubt in my mind. But I know myself well enough to admit that I wouldn't be very good at it and that being responsible for their academic education as well as their well-being all day every day would would make me one impatient mama. I am under no illusions that my children would magically begin to behave for me in the angelic fashion their teachers regularly report.

My hat is off to every one of you homeschooling mothers. I admire you (and the hs'ers I know irl) tremendously. But there's no need to over-analyze when someone says she wouldn't have the patience for it. She's probably just stating a fact.
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#25 of 158 Old 04-29-2009, 07:37 PM
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Couldn't you entertain the possibility that these people are telling the truth about themselves?

I say this as someone who...drumroll please...doesn't have the patience to homeschool.

Being a sahm with under-school aged kids was difficult for me. I needed a break from them and I wasn't a good parent when I didn't get it. I'm so much calmer and happier now that they are in school!

Now, if our local school was horrible of course I would woman up and homeschool my kids. Not a doubt in my mind. But I know myself well enough to admit that I wouldn't be very good at it and that being responsible for their academic education as well as their well-being all day every day would would make me one impatient mama. I am under no illusions that my children would magically begin to behave for me in the angelic fashion their teachers regularly report.

My hat is off to every one of you homeschooling mothers. I admire you (and the hs'ers I know irl) tremendously. But there's no need to over-analyze when someone says she wouldn't have the patience for it. She's probably just stating a fact.
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#26 of 158 Old 04-29-2009, 07:49 PM
 
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I think it is a very individual thing. I think being taught at home by a frazzled, stressed out mother who isn't really committed to homeschooling isn't any better than public school, and is possibly worse if it's affecting the family harmony, so to speak.

I know that for my stepkids, it was a ton of freaking work to do public school. I didn't have the choice of homeschooling them myself, because as the non-custodial parent, we didn't have any say in the matter. My husband worked 60 hour weeks, so I did most of the work. DRAGGING THEM into school every morning, dealing with the tantrums about staying, dealing with the calls home where they would feel sick and then magically feel better as soon as they got home, having to deal with the idiotic teachers who gave them homework EVERY NIGHT (at six and eight years old!!)... homework that even *I* couldn't figure out sometimes because it was such pointless busywork. Fighting over their 15 minutes of reading. Fighting over getting their backpacks ready. Fighting over EVERYTHING. Dealing with kids calling my stepdaughter fat and the other boys teasing my stepson for not wanting to play soccer. Dealing with the teachers who didn't think I should be having such an active role because I was their stepmom. Dealing with the stupid policies like getting kids in trouble for playing in the snow on the playground!!

It would have been a thousand times less frustrating to homeschool. When they moved full-time with their mother, I have to say, that is one part I definitely DO NOT MISS!!

~Rose

ETA: I will say it REALLY annoys me when people say this to me, because it's a sort of left-handed way of saying, "I think you've lost your damn fool mind, just wait until you see what it's like having a four/five/six year old at home all day every day, you'll change your tune!"
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#27 of 158 Old 04-29-2009, 08:41 PM
 
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Couldn't you entertain the possibility that these people are telling the truth about themselves?

I say this as someone who...drumroll please...doesn't have the patience to homeschool.

Being a sahm with under-school aged kids was difficult for me. I needed a break from them and I wasn't a good parent when I didn't get it. I'm so much calmer and happier now that they are in school!

Now, if our local school was horrible of course I would woman up and homeschool my kids. Not a doubt in my mind. But I know myself well enough to admit that I wouldn't be very good at it and that being responsible for their academic education as well as their well-being all day every day would would make me one impatient mama. I am under no illusions that my children would magically begin to behave for me in the angelic fashion their teachers regularly report.

My hat is off to every one of you homeschooling mothers. I admire you (and the hs'ers I know irl) tremendously. But there's no need to over-analyze when someone says she wouldn't have the patience for it. She's probably just stating a fact.
I think you don't want to HS. That is fine.

I personally think that when most people say they do not have the patience to HS that it is simply an excuse. I wonder why they bother - there is no need to make excuses for where you send (or don't) your kids to school. I also think they have mistaken ideas about what HSing looks like - for many families it does not involve sitting around a table all day (which would be a practice in patience for my family, lol).

I personally tend to think it is a weak excuse - honestly as someone who has both HSed and had kids at school - I do not think there are any rules as to which requires more patience.

I don't think you need to take your hat off to Hsers. It promotes a certian saint status (and I know you did not say this) to HSing parents that I do not think is required. I have been on MDC quite some time and every few months someone will ask if they find HS or PS easier - and HSing often leads in the "easier" replies. No "wow, I could never do that!" or saint status required.
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#28 of 158 Old 04-29-2009, 08:47 PM
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I think you don't want to HS. That is fine.

I personally think that when most people say they do not have the patience to HS that it is simply an excuse. I wonder why they bother - there is no need to make excuses for where you send (or don't) your kids to school. I also think they have mistaken ideas about what HSing looks like - for many families it does not involve sitting around a table all day (which would be a practice in patience for my family, lol).

I personally tend to think it is a weak excuse - honestly as someone who has both HSed and had kids at school - I do not think there are any rules as to which requires more patience.

I don't think you need to take your hat off to Hsers. It promotes a certian saint status (and I know you did not say this) to HSing parents that I do not think is required. I have been on MDC quite some time and every few months someone will ask if they find HS or PS easier - and HSing often leads in the "easier" replies. No "wow, I could never do that!" or saint status required.
I think telling parents that they are making excuses is really uh....well I can't even think of a way to respond to it without sounding inflammatory, so that should tell you something.
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#29 of 158 Old 04-29-2009, 09:08 PM
 
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Originally Posted by kathymuggle View Post
I think you don't want to HS. That is fine.

I personally think that when most people say they do not have the patience to HS that it is simply an excuse. I wonder why they bother - there is no need to make excuses for where you send (or don't) your kids to school. I also think they have mistaken ideas about what HSing looks like - for many families it does not involve sitting around a table all day (which would be a practice in patience for my family, lol).

I personally tend to think it is a weak excuse - honestly as someone who has both HSed and had kids at school - I do not think there are any rules as to which requires more patience.

I don't think you need to take your hat off to Hsers. It promotes a certian saint status (and I know you did not say this) to HSing parents that I do not think is required. I have been on MDC quite some time and every few months someone will ask if they find HS or PS easier - and HSing often leads in the "easier" replies. No "wow, I could never do that!" or saint status required.
You are correct that I don't want to HS. But I don't say that I wouldn't have the patience for it as an excuse. That implies that I know I really should be hsing but I don't want to come right out and say so. I find that implication insulting, to tell you the truth.

I'm not sure why there is this reluctance to take a statement at face value. I don't think I have the patience to homeschool.

And why not tip my hat to HS'ers? It's a natural instinct to admire people who do things we would consider challenging, ourselves. Doesn't mean I think they're saints, any more than I consider my friend who climbed Mt. Rainier a saint. Could I have done it? Sure, maybe. It would be absolutely no fun for me, so the fact that she did it and enjoyed it is something I admire. Whether she considered it easy is beside the point.
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#30 of 158 Old 04-29-2009, 09:10 PM
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Originally Posted by zinemama View Post
You are correct that I don't want to HS. But I don't say that I wouldn't have the patience for it as an excuse. That implies that I know I really should be hsing but I don't want to come right out and say so. I find that implication insulting, to tell you the truth.

I'm not sure why there is this reluctance to take a statement at face value. I don't think I have the patience to homeschool.

And why not tip my hat to HS'ers? It's a natural instinct to admire people who do things we would consider challenging, ourselves. Doesn't mean I think they're saints, any more than I consider my friend who climbed Mt. Rainier a saint. Could I have done it? Sure, maybe. It would be absolutely no fun for me, so the fact that she did it and enjoyed it is something I admire. Whether she considered it easy is beside the point.
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