What Homeschooling Parents REALLY Want From Partners - Mothering Forums
View Poll Results: Re: Homeschooling, what do you most want from your husband?
For him to guide and supervise me. 0 0%
Practical help with kids and housework 107 81.68%
Both 1 and 2 5 3.82%
Neither or other 19 14.50%
Voters: 131. You may not vote on this poll

1 2 
Learning at Home and Beyond > What Homeschooling Parents REALLY Want From Partners
mammal_mama's Avatar mammal_mama 06:04 PM 06-02-2009
I'm just curious, because I've received a forwarded message, by someone on a local homeschool chat board I'm part of, telling about a free e-vent hosted by a prominent conservative Christian homeschooling organization. One man is available to tell YOUR husbands, for free, that you are less interested in getting practical help from him, than you are in getting his guidance.

So, now I am wondering if this is what "most" homeschooling moms are really wanting? I personally feel quite blessed that my husband is so helpful in practical ways, usually just doing whatever he sees that needs to be done -- and I also feel blessed that he's so willing to trust us to do our thing all day.

So, I won't be encouraging him to listen to this e-message, since I'd hate for him to think he's got his priorites mixed up, LOL

mammal_mama's Avatar mammal_mama 11:57 AM 06-04-2009
Hi, I thought I'd bump this just to see if there were any takers.
True Blue's Avatar True Blue 12:03 PM 06-04-2009
Wow...I don't need guidance and supervision LOL. I don't mind discussion and input, and opinions. Supervision and guidance just makes me feel like a child LOL.
mammal_mama's Avatar mammal_mama 12:03 PM 06-04-2009
Oh, I see that 8 folks besides me have participated in the poll ... so maybe no one feels any need to comment. Sounds like I was right in thinking that most moms think like me.

I also sent out a message to some homeschooling friends. The only friend I've heard back from so far (who has grown homeschooled kids), said she actually would have preferred the leader/supervisor -- though she also would have liked more practical help, if it was a choice between the two she would have wanted the leadership.

But it seemed she was mainly talking about wanting him to back her up and reinforce her rules with the kids. Apparently it was important to her for her kids to do chores and stuff -- which I guess is not an issue for me since we don't make our kids do chores anyway.
mammal_mama's Avatar mammal_mama 12:06 PM 06-04-2009
Quote:
Originally Posted by True Blue View Post
Wow...I don't need guidance and supervision LOL. I don't mind discussion and input, and opinions. Supervision and guidance just makes me feel like a child LOL.
That's how I feel, too. It's puzzling to me that there are women out there wanting leadership more than practical help. Practical help is such a godsend to me!
Roar's Avatar Roar 12:08 PM 06-04-2009
The wording is a bit off for me...I don't want "help" because that implies that the job is fundamentally mine and he's just a helper rather than a full equal partner in parenting.
True Blue's Avatar True Blue 12:09 PM 06-04-2009
I guess I should add that I'm the more schooled parent anyway, so it wouldn't really occur to my DH to offer supervision and guidance in the homeschool realm LOL. He really does help a bunch with laundry, watching the kids when he gets home, etc. I guess though if I think about it I can see how some women might need some supervision/guidance if they are not schooling bc it is their full choice, or don't feel 'able' to make those decisions...but that might be a problem in the relationship altogether, imo. To me, the decisions should be more of a partnership.

ETA I don't mind saying 'help' when it comes to some housework, schooling, and childcare bc those just plain ARE my job more than his, in our situation. DH is gone weeks at a time with the military, so many things really are 'my' job. That said, I never say DH is 'babysitting' his own kids. We are partners, but there are definitely things that fall more on one of our shoulders than the other (for example, he makes all the money bc I am home schooling/taking care of our children, and we like it that way).
elizawill's Avatar elizawill 12:13 PM 06-04-2009
i'm not clear on what it is being asked. i'd have to look at this man's website and really see what it *is* he's supposedly teaching to have an opinion. my husband is my greatest support system and he does help me in tangible ways everyday. but in all honesty, i do most of the housework. my dh does pitch in, but i'm in charge of the household. i no longer work, and i'm a full-time SAHM. my dh works 1 full-time job and 1 part time job so i can be home with our kids ...so i don't have expectations for him to do equal amounts of housework at all. i don't think that would be fair to him personally. however, kk does help in many practical ways everyday. if he sat around trying to guide me in *how* i should do "this" or "that"...i'd go bonkers. is that what you mean? husbands who guide (i.e. tell you what to do) but don't actually help???
elizawill's Avatar elizawill 12:18 PM 06-04-2009
i'm still trying to wrap my brain around what a husband "guiding and supervising" his wife would actually look like. what does that even mean? it sounds weird.
pinky's Avatar pinky 12:22 PM 06-04-2009
Quote:
Originally Posted by elizawill View Post
i'm still trying to wrap my brain around what a husband "guiding and supervising" his wife would actually look like. what does that even mean? it sounds weird.
My reaction exactly. My husband and I have a relationship of equals, and guidance and supervision has no part in it. That sounds like something a boss offers to an employee.

I really value and rely upon his input and collaboration regarding homeschooling, but that's very different IMO.
JamesMama's Avatar JamesMama 12:29 PM 06-04-2009
I don't HS yet (DS is only 4.5) but I don't think I'm going to want DH to 'guide and supervise' me...that just sounds annoying...especially since I'll be the one home all day, I'll be doing the brunt of the 'grunt' work so to speak. I'd much prefer DH help me teach the subjects he's natually gifted/interested in.
Callimom's Avatar Callimom 12:38 PM 06-04-2009
Quote:
Originally Posted by Roar View Post
The wording is a bit off for me...I don't want "help" because that implies that the job is fundamentally mine and he's just a helper rather than a full equal partner in parenting.
This.

We're not Christian so the idea of a leader/supervisor (sorry can't remember the term) in the family just feels wrong to me.
My husband is phenomenal. We're partners and he pitches in where ever there is a need. Most of the homeschooling stuff falls under my domain just due to time but he does lots of stuff on his own with the kids that has nothing to do with me - building rockets is the latest thing.

Karen

ETA - I didn't vote in the poll. None of the options felt right. I want a fully participating partner - not "help" and certainly not "guidance".
elizawill's Avatar elizawill 12:43 PM 06-04-2009
Quote:
Originally Posted by Karenwith4 View Post
We're not Christian so the idea of a leader/supervisor (sorry can't remember the term) in the family just feels wrong to me.

well, i am christian. my dh is a pastor. he's still not my supervisor though, lol.
laohaire's Avatar laohaire 01:14 PM 06-04-2009
I assume this is a group that practices headship. So with headship, guidance and supervision makes total sense. And it also makes sense that the mothers wouldn't be seeking much practical help from their husbands either. As the leader of the family, I imagine his role would be to regularly check in with the family to ensure they are learning what they should, and to reinforce certain lessons if he felt they needed that. And to tell his wife what he has noticed might be lacking. His perspective would be a bit different than his wife's as he wouldn't be involved in the everyday lessons, he could provide a more global perspective of the general direction they are/should be going in.

DH and I don't practice headship and I have not really been able to wrap my head around it but not for lack of trying. Sometimes I wonder if there's something to it that I just can't see. But that's a seperate discussion from the homeschooling one; just saying that it makes total sense from a headship perspective, and no sense at all otherwise. So I think the seminar is less about "homeschooling" than about "how to practice homeschooling under headship."
Milakais's Avatar Milakais 01:41 PM 06-04-2009
Practical stuff and other. I want him to be a fully involved and integrated member of our family. (And he is.)

"Supervision and guidance"? No thanks. I don't want a boss; I want a partner.
Callimom's Avatar Callimom 01:49 PM 06-04-2009
Quote:
Originally Posted by elizawill View Post
well, i am christian. my dh is a pastor. he's still not my supervisor though, lol.
Yeah I realize not all h/sing Christians follow that kind of family structure, but many do which is why it feels more like a Christian concept in this case, particularly given that's what the OP states.
phathui5's Avatar phathui5 02:08 PM 06-04-2009
While I don't like how the choices are worded, I would like more of my dh's input. He leaves all of the homeschooling decisions (curriculum, schedule, trips) up to me and will help out if I ask him to. But it doesn't feel like he's a partner.
AcrewJenn's Avatar AcrewJenn 02:17 PM 06-04-2009
Quote:
Practical help with kids and housework
That.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Karenwith4 View Post
My husband is phenomenal. We're partners and he pitches in where ever there is a need. Most of the homeschooling stuff falls under my domain just due to time but he does lots of stuff on his own with the kids
:
onlyzombiecat's Avatar onlyzombiecat 02:18 PM 06-04-2009
Help around the house= love it

constructive input= great

guidance= I have trouble with this word. Dh is a great help to me and I value his input and support when I'm having a problem but I'm not sure I'd call it guidance.

supervision= No.
weliveintheforest's Avatar weliveintheforest 02:28 PM 06-04-2009
practical help, yes; guidance and input, maybe; supervision, no.
mammal_mama's Avatar mammal_mama 02:35 PM 06-04-2009
Hi, OP here!

The reason I hadn't linked to the actual organization and given its name, was that I'm not a member and didn't get this notification directly from them. I got a forward from someone on a homeschool chat board wanting to chat about the ideas expressed.

Anyhow, at the bottom of the email, there was a disclaimer from the organization, saying that this was just for members, and I was just getting a forwarded message that might not be accurate. So I didn't think I could really cite "them" --

Even though I have heard the same sort of wording from conservatives before. Okay, I'm trying to be careful not to plagiarize here, because this post was taken down once because I didn't realize I shouldn't quote without citing my source (duh, I should've known that) -- but I don't think it's plagiarizing to say that what I paraphrased as leader/superviser, they called principal and pastor -- and what I paraphrased as practical help with kids and house, they called teacher's aide or assistant custodian (or was it janitor?).

Do you think I changed the actual meaning to much? I guess I've always perceived a principal as being kind of the head and telling teachers what to do. Of course, I don't really perceive myself as teacher anyway, so if dh was the principal, he wouldn't have anyone to supervise anyhow, LOL.
chfriend's Avatar chfriend 02:37 PM 06-04-2009
I don't have husband 'cause my partner's a woman....but I clicked thread anyway! I didn't participate in the poll.

I have to know: who is the man who will instruct the husbands. Must google the name....
mammal_mama's Avatar mammal_mama 02:39 PM 06-04-2009
Roar, I think you are right that "help" is probably the wrong word. I guess like some others here, I'm home while he works fulltime, so I tend to look at housework as my job, and when he does stuff around the house or cooks (which he does often), I see it as him "relieving" me -- but really it's his home, too.

If I worked fulltime outside the home, would I see anything I did for my own family as "helping?" No, I'd probably just see it as parenting. So I don't know why some of us slip into that habit when talking about our husbands. It's kind of insulting. I'll try to quit doing it.
mammal_mama's Avatar mammal_mama 02:40 PM 06-04-2009
Quote:
Originally Posted by chfriend View Post
I don't have husband 'cause my partner's a woman....but I clicked thread anyway! I didn't participate in the poll.

I have to know: who is the man who will instruct the husbands. Must google the name....
Oh, I'm glad you're participating! I think I'll go change the title so it will be more inclusive.
mammal_mama's Avatar mammal_mama 02:45 PM 06-04-2009
I forgot to add that my husband truly IS a partner in our homeschooling/unschooling endeavors, in that our girls are learning so much through being with him as he gardens and does other projects.
elizawill's Avatar elizawill 04:01 PM 06-04-2009
Quote:
Originally Posted by Karenwith4 View Post
Yeah I realize not all h/sing Christians follow that kind of family structure, but many do which is why it feels more like a Christian concept in this case, particularly given that's what the OP states.
well if they exist, i'm not friends with them. no one i know IRL has a husband that supervises them ,lol. i'm joining a christian co-op for the first time next year though, so maybe i'll run into some of them. that would be interesting to say the least!
oceanbaby's Avatar oceanbaby 04:24 PM 06-04-2009
I voted other. The main thing I want is recognition for being the super human mom that I am. But actually dh is pretty good about that, so I can't complain much. And he already does a ton around the house as far as cleaning and taking care of the kids, so that's not an issue for me.

The other thing I would like is for him to entirely take over one subject, say history (he's much stronger in history than I am). Decide on the curriculum, plan their time, do the lessons, keep the records, etc. An evening or two a week, an hour on the weekend, there is enough time. Then I can completely scratch that from the other things that I am juggling.
ALittleBitCrunchy's Avatar ALittleBitCrunchy 04:29 PM 06-04-2009
I voted neither. The idea of DH "supervising" me gives me the heebie-jeebies, TBH. He's my partner, not my boss. And I don't get the idea of 'helping' with things like household chores or childcare - as an adult member of the family, care of the house is an assumed responsibility, and as a parent, care of the children is assumed. It aggravates me in the same way that hearing "My wife needs me to babysit the kids" does - um, they are YOUR kids...it's not babysitting when you are watching YOUR kids. :

What do we, as homeschooling parents, want from one another? I'll speak for DH here, too, in saying that we want our kids exposed to educational experiences and taught materials that we support. Basically, we both want to be happy with the plan for the year and we both want to cover the topics at the level we feel the kids need.

What a bizarre email!
Callimom's Avatar Callimom 04:33 PM 06-04-2009
Quote:
Originally Posted by elizawill View Post
well if they exist, i'm not friends with them. no one i know IRL has a husband that supervises them ,lol. i'm joining a christian co-op for the first time next year though, so maybe i'll run into some of them. that would be interesting to say the least!
We have a number of Christians in our homeschool group that follow a Biblically submissive marriage (I hope I got that term right). One woman in particular is a good friend of mine and I adore her. Her husband is the head of her household, the principal of their homeschooling and she won't make decisions without his approval (not input - approval).

AS a feminist UU it is an interesting dynamic to watch and not one that would work for me, but it seems to work for them.
Shianne's Avatar Shianne 07:09 PM 06-04-2009
Quote:
Originally Posted by elizawill View Post
no one i know IRL has a husband that supervises them
I've seen and met some Christians who do practice this. They even walk behind their husbands. Their husbands give them a list of things that need to be done outside of their normal "chores" and then wants a full accounting when they get home.
I don't remember the group's name, it was when I was younger that I met some women.
If I was "supervised", I would feel like I was not trusted to do the job or not capable.

I chose other.
I don't want supervision or guidance. I am capable of teaching my children. If I had his guidance...we'd be sitting at the table learning from a curriculum and that is not the way my children like to learn.
As for "help with the children and the house", I do most of it because I am home. If he pitches in after coming home from work, its an added bonus. But it is his home and children too.
1 2 

Up