DH has never come around--need someone to talk to - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 18 Old 08-02-2010, 10:43 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I really need some support, and have no one to talk to. I have been HSing my older dd since kindy. She is entering 4th grade now. DH has never come around to loving HSing, even though she is thriving. He still worries about the social issues etc. (and never read a thing I sent to him). Over the years, he has been becoming more resentful about not having much say in her education, so I have finally agreed to put her in school this year for the good of our marriage.

I am so heartbroken about this decision, and hurting worse again now that school starts in a few weeks. She has never wanted to go to school, and was initially just as heartbroken as me. I know that eventually she would have wanted to try PS, and this is a great time to do so while she has a great group of friend who go to school near here. She has mixed feelings about it now, but is excited to be able to see her friends more often. We haven't fit in well with the areas HSer or co-ops --we've met some nice people, but no long lasting, deep friendships.

To make me feel worse, it seems like everyone who finds out keeps talking about how exciting and wonderful it is that she is going to school. Like what she was doing before wasn't exciting or wonderful. My dd always felt like she was special for getting to HS when everybody else has to go to school all day.

I have a younger dd too, who is entering kindy this year, but I will be HSing her. Funny, b/c dh really wants me to HS her. I'm holding onto that, and looking forward to our special time together.

I'm also hoping that once dd is in school that dh won't find it as appealing as he thinks he will. He is the type who goes against the grain in just about everything in his life, so I don't know why he is so determined that PS the thing to do. I really wonder how often HS kids return to HS after trying PS? Anybody else BTDT that can offer me some wisdom?
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#2 of 18 Old 08-02-2010, 10:47 AM
 
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I'm sorry you're having a rough time.

FWIW, in my circle, kids come in and out of homeschooling all the time. Clearly, if your dh wants you to hs your youngest, he sees value in what you've done with your older dd.

ZM
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#3 of 18 Old 08-02-2010, 11:04 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by zeldamomma View Post
I'm sorry you're having a rough time.

FWIW, in my circle, kids come in and out of homeschooling all the time. Clearly, if your dh wants you to hs your youngest, he sees value in what you've done with your older dd.

ZM
Sounds encouraging that it's not uncommon for HSers to come and go. I would think a lot of people try kindy or first, and then go on to PS, but for those who have done it several years, the draw probably remains.

I think dh wants me to HS her mostly so that she will get have time alone with me like her big sister. After this year, he wants her to go on to school too.
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#4 of 18 Old 08-02-2010, 12:56 PM
 
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Wow, I'm so sorry. I couldn't force my child to go to school just to make dad feel like he has the power to make the decisions.
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#5 of 18 Old 08-02-2010, 03:27 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Wow, I'm so sorry. I couldn't force my child to go to school just to make dad feel like he has the power to make the decisions.
It is certainly not as simple as that. I have been continuing to HS despite his objections for at least the past two years. I could certainly continue to do so, but I can see that it is causing him a lot of bitterness and resentment, which is resulting in bad things for our marriage. I know a lot of people say they would divorce their dh if he wouldn't let them HS, but if we ended up divorced there would be little chance that I could HS as a single mom.

My hope is that after a few months in school that his eyes will be opened and that we'll be able to resume homeschooling with his full support.

It has become obvious that he and I cannot find a compromise with the girls' education. I've done things my way for four years. I have agreed to try one year (or one semester if it is horrible) with her in school. In agreeing to do so, however, all the bad feelings are being shifted onto myself.
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#6 of 18 Old 08-02-2010, 03:36 PM
 
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I've been in your position in the past. I went ahead and hs'ed our oldest without much of his support. We hit a crisis in our marriage half way throught the year (not necessarily from my choosing to HS but I'm certain it added to the downfall) and I ended up *having* to put my dd in school because we were in such a crisis that I couldn't manage much more than the basics of life!

So, now a few years have passed and she's tried out 2 schools (public and private Waldorf) and I'm so unhappy with the schooling choices around here that I just decided to give homeschooling another shot. DH is not 100% on board (I'd say 60% now--better than the 0% in the past!) but like your DH, he wants me to HS our two youngest (who would be Pre-K & K this Sept)!!! : We're taking it year by year! Our marriage is much more stable so I trust that we won't run into any crises in the years to come (God-willing!).



I think you're making the right decision! It's not worth destroying your marriage over! Marriage is paramount to a family staying together!

Consciously mothering 3 girls and 2 boys
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#7 of 18 Old 08-02-2010, 06:07 PM
 
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It is certainly not as simple as that. I have been continuing to HS despite his objections for at least the past two years. I could certainly continue to do so, but I can see that it is causing him a lot of bitterness and resentment, which is resulting in bad things for our marriage. I know a lot of people say they would divorce their dh if he wouldn't let them HS, but if we ended up divorced there would be little chance that I could HS as a single mom.

My hope is that after a few months in school that his eyes will be opened and that we'll be able to resume homeschooling with his full support.

It has become obvious that he and I cannot find a compromise with the girls' education. I've done things my way for four years. I have agreed to try one year (or one semester if it is horrible) with her in school. In agreeing to do so, however, all the bad feelings are being shifted onto myself.
I'd never advocate for divorce, in this instance. I do think that the fact that you posted your daughter was heartbroken at being forced to go to school is very important. Not being able to find a compromise on an issue is a big problem for a marriage, I've been there myself on something other than HSing. It seems that he hasn't taken your daughters desires into consideration and that it's become a power struggle. The fact that he won't even take the time to educate himself on the topic is pretty telling that this is more about being obeyed and less about making the best informed decision.

You are going to do what you are going to do. Nothing I say here will change that. I'm just posting my opinion, that I wouldn't do it. What happened in my case was I stood my ground and later he thanked me for that. But my husband at least was open to being educated by me, even though he would never take the time to educate himself.
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#8 of 18 Old 08-03-2010, 02:46 AM
 
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I do think that your dh should be involved with the consequences of dd1 being in public school - you need to be involved too, of course, but he should have to be aware of and participating in whatever goes on - homework, especially, but also the getting-kiddo-ready-for-school stuff, the PTA stuff, etc. etc. How 'bout Dad makes school lunch every night? If there's a way to do this without it becoming too passive-aggressive.

I think there are ways that public school is "easier" than homeschooling, but there are also ways that it is NOT - you've got a lot of rigamarole to juggle in terms of attendance policies, homework, etc. One of the (many) reasons we're homeschooling, for instance, is that our daughter would have been on the bus almost an HOUR last year - to go 8 blocks to school (we would have walked her rather than bus her but STILL, wow).

I've seen parents post here before (and in fact there was a support thread for it in the "school" board here), about putting kids into public school for whatever reason - definitely check out the support thread; and know that we have had parents return to homeschooling after being in public school, too.

I think I would do what you are doing, in your shoes. At the same time - I would probably take this situation as a sign that some serious work needs to be done in the marriage, by both of us, to (re)create a more equitable, collaborative relationship. Good luck!

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#9 of 18 Old 08-03-2010, 11:40 AM
 
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I think that you and your DH have some serious issues with control and communication and suspect that it is far bigger than school vs homeschool. Have you considered marriage counseling?

Either school or homeschool can be wonderful (my kids have done both) but playing out power issues in a marriage through the children is bound to be really hard on your kids.

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#10 of 18 Old 08-03-2010, 11:50 AM
 
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"I know that eventually she would have wanted to try PS, and this is a great time to do so while she has a great group of friend who go to school near here. She has mixed feelings about it now, but is excited to be able to see her friends more often. We haven't fit in well with the areas HSer or co-ops --we've met some nice people, but no long lasting, deep friendships."

I'd cling to this for now. You recognize that 4th grade in ps may be a great experience for your daughter. You are open to that happening. So whatever power issues need to be sorted between you and DH, it sounds like you've been able to give your dd the room to like school, or to not like it, and you will be her advocate in either case.

And at least he's not trying to make you put a 5 y.o. in school!!!!
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#11 of 18 Old 08-03-2010, 02:45 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post
I think that you and your DH have some serious issues with control and communication and suspect that it is far bigger than school vs homeschool. Have you considered marriage counseling?

Either school or homeschool can be wonderful (my kids have done both) but playing out power issues in a marriage through the children is bound to be really hard on your kids.
That's what I got out of the OP, too. Not sure if it was how she told the story of what's going on or what is really going on.

OP, when you said, "Over the years, he has been becoming more resentful about not having much say in her education" do you mean you've never included him in the choices you've made homeschooling? Do you ask his opinion on types of curriculum, brands, specific purchases, style of learning, etc? I don't see how he has more control over her education through public school than he does at home ?????? He should have a great deal of 'say' in her education at home and next to nothing in public school

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#12 of 18 Old 08-03-2010, 02:52 PM
 
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How can he have a say on any of those things when he hasn't even bothered to educate himself on HSing anyway. And I agree with Linda.
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#13 of 18 Old 08-03-2010, 04:48 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Wow--I came over here for a little support in my obviously difficult decision, and find out that everybody thinks there's all this other stuff going on making me feel worse than I did to begin with. Almost every week there is a thread started about women wanting to HS when DHs are not on board--not an unusual situation at all.

DH and I almost always agree with every decision in our marriage. I can think of three issues in our entire twelve years of marriage where we haven't been able to find a compromise.

My dd has no idea of the conflict dh and I have about HSing. I presented a unified front to her. She does know that her dad feels strongly that she needs to try school, and while I support this decision, I am happy to return HSing if it doesn't work out. He is worried about her having regrets of not trying school. That is a concern of mine too--I would rather try this now rather than in two years when she will be in middle school.

I am the one trying to alleviate a power struggle by enrolling her in school with the best support I can muster, hoping that he will realize that HS is actually better for us. After realizing how hard it is for me, he said to "do what I need to do" (leaving the final decision to me)-- but I need for him to support us 100%, and I can't see another way for him to realize that except seeing what PS is really like.

He works 16 hours a day five days a week, and 8-10 hours a day on most weekends. Not of choice, but because he is self-employed and tries super hard to support our family. 90% of decisions regarding the children are up to me, just because he doesn't have the luxury of time to discuss every detail of the kids classes, curriculum, or playdates with me. That doesn't work for every family but it does for us. He thinks I am a great mother and doesn't hesitate to tell anyone. He trusts that I do a good job and will do the best I can. You can be sure that if there is a parenting issue where we don't agree, that I take notice and want to encourage his input.

The two or three weekday hours when he is not working, he is spending with the kids being a very attentive dad. He works at home too so that he can see the kids throughout the day, even if it is only time for a quick hug or walk outside (another reason homeschooling has been working well for us). He will soon see that his special late night chess games, bike rides etc are going to be cut short when dd starts school.

Oh--and I said that DD was initially heartbroken about HS, and has mixed feelings now. She is super excited some days, a little nervous other days, no sadness expressed since the first discussion (several months ago).

I have no idea how much HSing information he read or didn't read, just that his mind is set for now. I know he feels good enough about HSing to keep younger dd home. He also just this week started negotiating a contract with someone who is a HSing parent (he is considering that a positive connection with our two families). Anyway--there is some additional information for ya.
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#14 of 18 Old 08-03-2010, 10:34 PM
 
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It's easy for people to misread things on the internet. I hope you understand that when we're responding, we're both reading what you posted and then sometimes subconsciously reading a subtext to it, too .... Sometimes we type something up thinking it's clear as can be, and return to discover that people have taken it completely in a different direction than we intended. Sometimes, in my long years of membership in online communities, that has been a really good thing (WOW, I hadn't realized it could be that way?!") and other times, it's not so great (as now). I'm sorry.

It sounds like you're doing the best you can with your situation and that things are under control, just a difficult situation right now. My husband is also self-employed, works similar hours to your dh, and that was a factor in our decision to homeschool. This year may be illuminating for your dh! He may find that he misses having dd1 at home in the background while he's working, too. Dh used to yearn for when 'the kids are in school,' and right now he's really over that and enjoying dd1 being home. He may not stay that way though.

I think keep communicating about this, and see how things go for dd1. My favorite teacher in all my years of school was my fourth grade teacher. She may love this year - and still decide she wants to return to homeschooling in a year or two. I honestly think most kids, given an option of homeschool vs. public school, would choose homeschool as long as they had access to social time with friends still. She's already done it for years, so she'll know what she's missing (if she's missing it) -- and if your dd1 gives it a good try and tells your dh that she would prefer to do school at home, that might set him back on the homeschool track, too.

ETA:
I went over to the "Learning at School" forum, and they have a thread there which just started, talking about transitioning from homeschool to out of home schools (Waldorf, public, etc.): http://mothering.com/discussions/sho....php?t=1249560 -- I suspect that an actual support thread will start up over there once schools start up again this fall.

HTH!

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#15 of 18 Old 08-04-2010, 02:28 PM
 
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Almost every week there is a thread started about women wanting to HS when DHs are not on board--not an unusual situation at all.
it is normal, but usually the dads come around when they see how it goes.

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To make me feel worse, it seems like everyone who finds out keeps talking about how exciting and wonderful it is that she is going to school. Like what she was doing before wasn't exciting or wonderful.
I suspect the one person you really want to hear say that what she was doing before was wonderful is your husband, and that it really doesn't matter what any one else says.

It's natural for moms to have a strong and mixed feelings when transitioning from homeschooling to school. When I was going through it, my husband was wonderful and really validated everything I had done as a homeschool mom, even when I sometimes cried because that period of our life needed to come to an end.

You started the thread with this statement:

"I really need some support, and have no one to talk to."

Your husband really ought to be one of the people in your life that you get support from and that you can talk to.

BTW, school has been wonderful for my kids and they have both blossomed there.

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#16 of 18 Old 08-04-2010, 06:55 PM
 
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I started a response, but got busy and scrapped it.
Our daughter went half-time to school last year and we were all pretty excited about it. We could envision her attending full-time in the near future. However, although she had an overall positive experience we all decided that homeschooling full-time again was our best option.

I just wanted you to know that a family could decide that trying public school was a good option, not have a bad experience, but still decide that homeschool was best for them.

I think your daughter will have a great 4th grade year and you guys still may decide to homeschool in the future. If she does stay in school I know that you will find great opportunities there. Whatever happens enjoy your alone time with your little one and have a great year!
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#17 of 18 Old 08-04-2010, 11:05 PM
 
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I am curious as to why he feels he has not had any "say in her education". Is his only way to have a "say" for her to go to PS? Have you guys been able to sit down and have a discussion on what kinds of curriculum to use, classes or activities she can be involved in outside the home, maybe virtual academy, etc? Aren't there plenty of ways he could have some input while still homeschooling? Just from the wording you've used "he hasn't read any of the stuff I sent him" and "I have been doing things my way" makes it seem like you have been dictating everything about her hs'ing experience and I wonder if your dh would respond to an invitation to be more involved in the hs'ing decisions.

Forgive me if you have already done this but I am reading fast and I didn't see any mention of it.

By the way, don't worry about a year in school. Many hs'ing families I know have put their kids in a year of school just so their kids see what it was that they are "missing out on". Some decide to stay, many don't.
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#18 of 18 Old 08-11-2010, 11:40 AM
 
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I saw your post on another thread and thought I would comment.My dh was never really accepting of hsing either.Tolerated it until I found *suitable* schooling. I currently have my kids in a private Montessori. I have been working on getting my dh to consider an online public school.Not hsing,but will be as close as I can get.

Have you considerd the online school option? Perhaps once he sees what school is like for your dd he may consider it.Ofcourse she just might like it.Take it one day at a time.

I know about that frustration on how everyone is soooooo excited that your hs child is going to a *real* school.That made me so mad.And then to top it off when bad things occured(like bullying) they would just poo-poo it and say," It is just how things are." BS.

Lol I remember when I pulled both my kids out of public school.Ds was being bullied and dd just hated it.I pulled them and did not even ask dh.I did tell him and everyone who would listen for months that if my ds was not safe I would pull him so I did.

Best wishes for your dd.Sounds like your dh works a ton and parenting is all on you.My dh is gone for work a lot too.Somethings like homebirth and circ I did not relent on with dh.Keep the communication open with your dh regardless of what you decide in the end.He has to know you have the childrens best interests in mind.Also consider that family and friends might be pressuring HIM to put the kids in *real* school.
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