am I being selfish by keeping him home? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 8 Old 08-12-2010, 05:56 PM - Thread Starter
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My boy is turning six this October so he'd be old enough to start Kindergarten. He said to me the other day that he wants to go. I had planned on starting to home-school him in September. I've done a lot of research and planning.

The thing is we are a one car family. We aren't involved in any of the local home-school activities, because I literally can't get there.

He does have social needs that aren't being fulfilled and I have no other way to do that, but to send him to kindergarten. I asked him what it was about kindergarten that he was excited about, he said, "I don't know." My least favorite sentence of all time. I think he thinks it will be fun and it probably will.

So the thing is I was home-schooled, I want him to be home-schooled. I'm worried about him being written off as ADDboy. I'm worried about the parental involvement in school that I won't even know about since I never went. I just don't want him to go to school. I know I'm holding him back for me, but is it the wrong choice?

mama to DS1 10/04 and DS2 9/07 and brand new DS3 5/29!
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#2 of 8 Old 08-12-2010, 06:06 PM
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If you really feel that you're holding him back for you, then I think it is definitely the wrong choice. Is there any way you can get to some homeschool activities and see if you can connect with some members to get rides to things? Can you drive his dad to work and pick him up on days you'd need the car? Can you hold some activities for other families at your home, including pot lucks whole families could come to with their children? If it means a lot to you to be able to homeschool, I think you need to do everything in your power to make it worthwhile to him as well, and that can require some work and sacrifice.

- Lillian
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#3 of 8 Old 08-12-2010, 06:54 PM
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Are you guys completely isolated or can your ds play with other kids (even schooled kids)?

My ds thought school sounded like fun at that age and I too already knew he'd be homeschooled, so we just made a big effort to get out and be around other kids a few hours a day. It didn't matter to him if they were homeschooled or just other kids in the neighborhood, he just wanted to play. Usually the homeschool groups were a bit of a drive and the timing conflicted with ds2 naps so we just waited on those and it was fine.

Just wanted to add that homeschool groups/activities are not the only way to meet that need. He could take an afternoon sports class or activity through the city at a local park and/or play with kids in the neighborhood later in the day after they come home from school.

Lillian's suggestion to host activities in your home is a great idea too. I have a homeschooling friend who cannot drive due to a nursling who screams if she cannot nurse so they just invite everyone to their home and make it a really fun, comfortable place to be.
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#4 of 8 Old 08-12-2010, 07:02 PM
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Originally Posted by rype View Post
I know I'm holding him back for me, but is it the wrong choice?
I am curious about you using the phrase "holding him back". Do you not feel that if you homeschool him this year, he will be moving forward in a great way, and just doing it at home instead of at school ?

If he wants to go to school because he is ready to take on a new adventure, you will need to do your best to give him that experience at home, with some new challenges, ways to explore, etc...and if he is looking for more social contact with other kids, or opportunities to do some things independently, apart from you, you will need to try to provide those as well. He might feel differently about staying home if he knew there were some new and exciting things ahead for him in the coming school year.

DS1 March 2003DS2 Sept 2005,
and 3 , in our happy secular
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#5 of 8 Old 08-12-2010, 07:09 PM
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I'm a couple of years away from this (DD is 3yo), but Dd is already asking if she can go to school when she's old enough. She's asking at least once a week now. I've wanted to homeschool my kids since years before getting pg with her. I hate the thought of her spending so much time learning things at school that she could learn in a couple of hours a day at home. Or having to learn things she's not at all interested in and not having the time to spend on things she is interested in.

So I'm desperately trying to find other families with kids that are my kids age that are planning on homeschooling. But that's really hard.

Wife to J. Mama to DD(9yo) & DS(6yo).
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#6 of 8 Old 08-12-2010, 07:33 PM
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You are not being selfish. What if you decided to send him to school and he did not want to go? It is not exactly his choice, is it? You make the decision and go with it.

If you do want to send him to kinder, chances are, he will decide he does not like school at some point and you could pull him then. But, you should not send him if you don't want to. And parenting your child (making decisions in his upbringing and carrying them out) is not selfish, it is exactly what you should do. ((hugs))
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#7 of 8 Old 08-13-2010, 12:40 AM
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And parenting your child (making decisions in his upbringing and carrying them out) is not selfish, it is exactly what you should do.
This. Our kids get input in their own lives, of course, but the fact is that "we know better" lol... They just don't KNOW what the different experiences (and the consequences thereof) are really like.

I'll present the point of view of someone who came out the other end. My son never BEGGED to go to school, but he definitely went through a phase of great sadness and alienation. He thought he was missing out on something that I wasn't letting him experience.

He's now 12 and GLAD to be homeschooling. I'd always said that once he got to high school age, he could decide if he wanted to go to high school. When we talk about this he says "I don't think I would EVER want to go to school... why would I want to go to school?"

It's a very, very common phase for the about 5-7yo. My niece went through it too. Probably even worse for her since she's very, very social. But it's really only because they feel the comparison with their friends and worry that they're missing out on something. Once they've had a couple of years of homeschooling under their belts, and their friends are now COMPLAINING about school all the time, and they mature just that little bit -- they realize they've got the better deal.

It's not selfish. You want what's best for your kid! What's selfish about that? It would only be selfish if, AFTER years of homeschooling, it's obvious that it's not right for him and you continue to do it anyway because you can't bear the thought of him leaving your nest. That's not what's happening here. Right now it's just parenting.

Heck... my 3.5yo talks about school all the time. Her older brother has never been to school. Her cousins (8yo and 5yo) that she sees all the time have never been to school. She has no relatives or friends that she sees often that go to school. We've never talked about going to school. She has picked it up from books, from movies (no TV)... who knows from where else. So she loves to "play school", packing up her backpack with random stuff, walking around with some dolls, being their teacher... and she says that when she's older, she will go to school too!

That doesn't mean that deep down, she knows already that it's the better choice for her. She's just doing imitative play. I just say once in awhile "you know, some people go to school, but you don't have to go to a different place to learn. You can learn at home too." or something like that.

She gets lots of "social opportunities" with her cousins, but she also goes to dance classes and plays in the local park. You do NOT have to go to school to meet other kids! Is there a bus route nearby? A taxi you can call? Drive hubby to work once in awhile? Places you can bike to? Besides which, peer play is highly overrated anyway (read Hold on To Your Kids). There are really SO many options, so many ways you could deal with the problems you have (including the option of not thinking of them as problems in the first place). So, no, not selfish.

Heather, mom to Caileigh 12/06 and aspie ADHD prodigy David 05/98 :intact lact
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#8 of 8 Old 08-25-2010, 12:59 PM - Thread Starter
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I just want to quickly replay to all who took the time to respond. Firstly I really appreciate your thoughtful responses. You have made me look at my language closer and see my insecurities in a new light.

Someone asked if I could hirer a taxi or drive DH to work, unfortunately those are not possible. DH works an hour and a half away from 2:30AM to anywhere between 2PM and 6PM and he's only off on Sunday.

However I can hold events at my house, I can do that. Truly I hadn't even thought of that! I can try harder to reach out to other home-school/unschool families.

Thanks again!

mama to DS1 10/04 and DS2 9/07 and brand new DS3 5/29!
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