Are homeschooled kids really bullied any less than kids that go to school? - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 95 Old 11-23-2010, 06:24 PM
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It seems like you homeschooling goals center around sheltering your child from the pain of social situations. My perspective, while homeschooling my own kids, is that these painful, social experiences can grow kids into stronger individuals. I want my children to experience some of this pain so that they can grow from it. Become more empathetic, compassionate with a stronger sense of self. This sounds very ideal but, out of the strong parental bonds created by homeschooling,  these ideals can be reached for. I fear more that my kids won't encounter painful social situations than that they will :)


I hope you have no idea how hurtful this post is, to me, who was bullied at school. One thing is for sure, anyone ever tries to bully DD, and I'll put a stop to it. I don't know how, but I will. Because it isn't just pain right then, the few years f intermediate school when I was bullied. It is the years after. It is the time I couldn't talk in school (new school, so not with the bullies). It is years of fear. Of fear of it happening again. Of fear of causing it again (because in my mind at least it was partly my fault). Of fear of getting close to anyone, and being vulnerable again. fear of trying to be in charge (making me vulnerable again). Knowing people don't like you. Years of counseling. The terror 3 years later of being in the same Spanish class as some of the bullies, and I couldn't talk in class. Keeping people out, so you won't get hurt. Years of recurrent depression, and dealing with self esteem issues. I still do. Being alone. And today, 18 years later, i work very, very hard to make and keep friendships, and I still don't have any really close friends (except DH). I've worked on this for years, and my self esteem is still low (though not non-existent, as it was in my teens). This isn't a pain you grow from. It is a pain that destroys you, and 18 years later I'm still not whole again. I've spent many years trying to rebuild myself, rebuild my life. And I don't think I'm any more compassionate than I was at 11, instead I'm quite cynic, and certainly will consider how any compassionate action might hurt me.

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#62 of 95 Old 11-24-2010, 04:55 AM
 
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I'd think they would be bullied less.  My ds has experienced some bullying when he was younger, it was mostly his cousin who goes to our church and it was happening almost every Sunday when he was 4.  I finally told him to hit him back because dh's aunt refused to watch her kid and take it seriously when her son pushed my ds around (who is 2 yrs younger!) and made him cry by rejecting him.  So ds did hit the boy back and funnily enough they have been best buddies every since!  Boys!  We are in a Christian homeschool group of about 40 families and so far I have never noticed any bullying.  And if there were times when there has been inconsiderate treatment of another child there are enough parents around that it gets noticed and addressed.  I think a school setting where no parents are directly involved on a regular basis, bullying can and obviously does flourish.  I think homeschooling can not only protect kids from being bullied, it just may protect some from becoming bullies too. 

 

FWIW, fear of bullying would be on my long list of reasons to homeschool, though not nearly at the top, but I do think it is a valid one (I have never been bullied and I think that has an obvious affect on the issue). 


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#63 of 95 Old 11-24-2010, 04:57 AM
 
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Part of the reason I am homeschooling is to avoid bullying . It's not about sheltering my kids so much as protecting them from a painful experience that can have a deeply, profound, negative effect on them.  It's not the only reason I'm homeschooling, but it's one of the reasons. 

 

Yes, homeschooled kids can be bullied, but if they are, it is so easy to put a stop to it.  The adult can step in and intervene.  You can simply choose to avoid certain situations or certain people.   And, it's much less likely to happen in the first place.  While there are parents  who will turn a blind eye, my experience has been that most parents will correct their and intervene if their child is teasing another child, being mean to them or whatever.   And, if the other parent doesn't intervene...I can.  And, if that doesn't work, we can simply choose to avoid particular people or situations.   Of course this is much easier if you life in an area with lots of other homeschoolers and several homeschool groups.


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#64 of 95 Old 11-24-2010, 05:23 AM
 
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The benefit would be you can remove your child from the bully situation when it happens in a group,class,or neighborhood setting(hard one!)

 

When my ds was bullied in K I was stressed daily knowing I dropped him off to deal with this on his own for 7 hours every day.Talking to the school staff was a joke. I realised that removing my child from a bully situation was the only way to stop it. Talking to parents rarely stopped the bullying.

 

So yes bullying will occur everywhere,but atleast you can get your kid out of the situation quicker.Neighborhood bullying is however a complicated one right up there with school bullying.

 

My family believes in repeat exposure to toughen one up,but I think that is silly.Yeah we might lose out on a class or meeting,but we can make up for it later by attending a different one. I won't stay within a bad situation and I don't think I should make my kids either.

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#65 of 95 Old 11-24-2010, 05:33 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Dandelionkid View Post

 

 I want my children to experience some of this pain so that they can grow from it.>>>

 

 

Having my children bullied was the most painful experience I have had as a parent. And it changed them. I believe it changed who they are. They were so happy and trusting.Liked everyone. Bullying changed all that.My ds cried,lashed out in anger,and was afraid.My dd became quiet and shy. I would do anything to have those experiences wiped from our minds. I don't feel they grew from it.Even seeing others bullied had negative effects. It has been years now and they still remember what others did to them.

 

Kids don't need negative experiences to develop into wonderful people.

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#66 of 95 Old 11-24-2010, 06:22 AM
 
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What's that quote? "The only thing that  being bullied on the playground prepares you for is being bullied in the prison yard."  Something like that anyway.

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#67 of 95 Old 11-24-2010, 09:58 AM
 
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(I still haven't figured out how to make the quote box pop in without my response going into it...)

 

But anyway, that quote gave me chills, and it's clearly so true!  - Lillian
 

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What's that quote? "The only thing that  being bullied on the playground prepares you for is being bullied in the prison yard."  Something like that anyway.

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#68 of 95 Old 11-24-2010, 05:09 PM
 
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I want my children to experience some of this pain so that they can grow from it. Become more empathetic, compassionate with a stronger sense of self.

I don't understand the mechanism by which being bullied is supposed to produce empathy and compassion. Empathy and compassion for whom? The bullies? Not likely. Other children they see being bullied? I don't see that there's any reason they'd feel empathy rather than just relief that the bullies chose a different target that day. Kids who know about the pain of bullying firsthand aren't likely to call it upon their own heads again by standing up for another kid. And why do you think bullying would produce a stronger sense of self, as opposed to a negative self-image? I didn't experience much bullying at school, so I may be missing something, but it doesn't make sense to me. Triumphing over adversity is a relatively rare phenomenon - being crushed is far more common.


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#69 of 95 Old 11-29-2010, 08:23 PM
 
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Here's another article:

 

Inside the bullied brain - The alarming neuroscience of taunting

 

It begins: 
"In the wake of several tragedies that have made bullying a high-profile issue, it’s becoming clear that harassment by one’s peers is something more than just a rite of passage. Bullied kids are more likely to be depressed, anxious, and suicidal. They struggle in school — when they decide to show up at all. They are more likely to carry weapons, get in fights, and use drugs."

 

Lillian

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#70 of 95 Old 11-29-2010, 10:15 PM
 
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This may be OT but what is your take on sheltering kids? I don't want my kids to miss out on painful experiences in life because so much character-growth can happen through the pain. Do you believe that homeschooled kids have enough opportunities to stand up for their faith and values outside of the school setting? Trees that never experience wind have much shallower, weaker roots than those that are planted in more adverse conditions. Would you agree that being bullied can lead to character growth in some situations or is it all bad in your opinion?  Thanks.


I haven't read past this.

 

I've had other people say they think the fact that I was bullied "built character". Maybe it did. If so, it wasn't worth it - not even a little bit. I spent much of my teens wanting to commit suicide. I blew off school to smoke pot, so that I could tune out some of it. I still don't trust people around me in groups larger than about...four? I'm 42...and it's never, ever, ever gone away.

 

And, life has lots of painful experiences to offer that don't involve the psychological burden that bullying carries.


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#71 of 95 Old 11-30-2010, 10:57 AM
 
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And I've seen the results of lots of those other kinds of experiences, both in others and in myself, and trust me, they all bring scars and dysfunction that take work to get out of one's way to function more healthily and constructively. Pain is not a great thing to seek out.  - Lillian
 

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And, life has lots of painful experiences to offer that don't involve the psychological burden that bullying carries.

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#72 of 95 Old 11-30-2010, 12:36 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Lillian J View Post

Here's another article:

 

Inside the bullied brain - The alarming neuroscience of taunting

 

It begins: 
"In the wake of several tragedies that have made bullying a high-profile issue, it’s becoming clear that harassment by one’s peers is something more than just a rite of passage. Bullied kids are more likely to be depressed, anxious, and suicidal. They struggle in school — when they decide to show up at all. They are more likely to carry weapons, get in fights, and use drugs."

 

Lillian

 



Thank you for sharing that.  It was a fascinating article.  I hope people start taking bullying seriously and start realizing how very harmful it is.  I can only imagine how much worse it is for a child to be told that it is 'strengthening' them.  I think if a child knows that there is at least one adult on their side it would help tremendously, but being told that it's good for them just makes it worse.

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#73 of 95 Old 11-30-2010, 01:13 PM
 
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You just triggered a memory I have from 2nd grade when a little girl named Jane - I remember her vividly - turned on me in the midst of the group I was playing with and meanly said, "You can't play!" I don't even remember what happened right after that, but I do remember the teacher finding me alone in a swing crying, asked me what was wrong, and then went to Jane and told her that kind of thing was not allowed. The biggest thing that accomplished might have been helping me realize it was not okay and that it wasn't the fault of anything I had done or of who I was. ;)  Lillian
 

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Thank you for sharing that.  It was a fascinating article.  I hope people start taking bullying seriously and start realizing how very harmful it is.  I can only imagine how much worse it is for a child to be told that it is 'strengthening' them.  I think if a child knows that there is at least one adult on their side it would help tremendously, but being told that it's good for them just makes it worse.

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#74 of 95 Old 12-01-2010, 08:12 AM
 
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Little late to the party...but I have not seen any issues with bullying yet. My kids are still young...but I still feel you can see some of those issues even then.

 

We haven't had any problems with the homeschool kids we know. Only kid we've seen a problem with is from an adult-standpoint-- this child pretty much does not show any respect of any form to adults...but this has nothing to do with other kids.

 

My kids hang out with all the neighborhood kids on a daily basis (a whole gaggle of them) and we've had no problem. But...maybe we're just getting lucky?

 

I don't think kids can be sheltered forever. I was BULLIED as a child...the type where people would call my house and threaten to kill me...gang up on me at school...and I'd never have that for my chidlren. (But then again, unlike my parents, I might actually have dealt with the issue.) But it is character-building to find people who don't agree with you...who don't like you and you don't like them. I call it "playground justice" and yes, I let my kids experience that.


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#75 of 95 Old 12-01-2010, 08:58 AM
 
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Late to this discussion, but thought I'd chime in since we homeschooled until just this year, and my older son just started 4th grade at public school.  Here are my thoughts on this:

 

First, we have never experienced true bullying, either hs'ing or at school.  I assume we're talking about teasing, etc.  In that case, we encountered it both homeschooling and in school.  So far we have actually had worse incidents with homeschooled kids - I found that while many of the kids are truly lovely, there seemed to be a trend for parents to kind of check out and let their kids run wild, and then when there was an incident, I was the only parent there to deal with it.  Now, one of the benefits of hs'ing was that I WAS there to deal with it, but it got exhausting, and after awhile we stopped going to park days after numerous incidents that were really upsetting.

 

We also had problems with a boy who was in a co-op that my son was in for a year and half (we hired a Waldorf teacher, the parents weren't there).  This little boy was very verbally manipulative, and very pushy and insulting towards my son.  My son complained about it constantly, but even when it happened right in front of his mom, she ignored it.  My son one time even approached his mom and told her that her son was grabbing the frisbee and not letting anyone play with it, and she told my son to just ignore him.  Yeah, that helps, when her son is ripping the toy out of everyone's hand.  I wish I had been more on top of it, because my son ended up eventually blowing his top and throwing a rock at the kid.  Then of course everyone got really excited about what my son had done, even though up until then (and since) he had never hurt another child.  I of course came down hard on my son, and he was truly disappointed with himself and very apologetic, but there was no acknowledgement from the other parents of their child's part in it.  We weren't the only family to have trouble with this kid, either.  Another family stopped attending because of him. 

 

The problem with hs'ing social groups is that there are no rules, really.  Every family has their own rules, their own methods of discipline, and their own version of what is a problem.  As a parent who pretty much is always paying attention to my kids and has very little tolerance for meanness, from any child, even my own, this was a big problem for us, and even before my son asked to start school we were starting to avoid most of our local homeschool social gatherings.

 

Now my son is in public school, 4th grade.  He has complained about being teased, but more of the generic kind - nothing directed specifically at him, nothing heinous about how he looks or acts or anything like that.  He's explained it as he'll say something that is wrong, one kid will kind of mock him, another kid well say "ha ha."  That kind of thing.  There is one little girl that has just been on him from day one about every little answer he gets wrong in school (even though he's getting all As and Bs).  This kind of stuff drives him crazy, and I am not there to do anything about it.  Even the teacher doesn't want to hear about, and now he's caught in the trap of being a tattletale if he goes to an adult.

 

But, while I hate that he has to endure any of this, I do think it falls under the realm of normal kid teasing, and my son is still happy and enjoys school, so I think it's one of those things he's just going to have to learn to deal with.  And I am there quite a bit, actually.  I help serve lunch one or two days a week, and hang around the playground area before and after.  I'm there at pick up and drop off, and hear a lot of what goes on.  I volunteer at many events and hear the kids interacting with each other, and I honestly have yet to hear or see an interaction that I thought was truly mean or problematic.

 

Ultimately I think it's really the luck of the draw.  In my experience, your chances of dealing with being teased or encountering mean kids is just as high with homeschooling as in school.  Benefits of homeschooling are that you are usually there to deal with it, and you can leave if you want.  (However, depending on your hs social scene, this could mean that all of a sudden there very limited social opportunies for your kids).  The pros of school are that there are a general set of rules that all the kids have to work under, and in my experience the school takes actual bullying very seriously.  We always know we can leave school any time, and if it got bad, we would.

 

Also, I wanted to make two more points:  There is definitely more about what's cool or not in school than there was homeschooling.  No doubt.  Also, thus far, both my son and I made better, more deeper friendships from our homeschool group that we have thus far in school (although it's only been 3 months).  But again, luck of the draw - depends on the families in your hs group, and the families at school.

 

I wanted to add, that overall, I still prefer the lifestyle of homeschooling.  When I think of bringing my kids home (we still don't know if we will continue with school or not) I'm excited about everything but the thought of having to deal with the social groups again.  But, this is because of just a few kids who are always at every event, and my general fatigue with dealing with those particular families.  But I didn't want my post to sound discouraging of homeschooling in general.  It's fantastic, and I highly encourage it!

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#76 of 95 Old 12-01-2010, 03:11 PM
 
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And I've seen the results of lots of those other kinds of experiences, both in others and in myself, and trust me, they all bring scars and dysfunction that take work to get out of one's way to function more healthily and constructively. Pain is not a great thing to seek out.  - Lillian
 

I wasn't even remotely suggesting that people seek it out. However, I will say that the pain of losing my son to stillbirth, while absolutely devastating, was in many ways less scarring than the pain of being bullied. I honestly think that's mostly because I was younger and less well equipped with tools to navigate painful situations, but I don't honestly know for sure. I'm inclined to think that if we call the effects of pain "dysfunction", then people simply aren't functional, as pain is inevitable.
 

I don't think pain is something to seek out. I also don't go to great efforts to avoid it, as I don't think it's something that can be avoided.


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#77 of 95 Old 12-01-2010, 07:24 PM
 
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I didn't mean to imply that you said that. There's been a discussion going on throughout the thread as to whether it's beneficial for children's character to experience pain such as bullying - I was addressing that question, not your comments, when I spoke of seeking out pain. For that matter, "seeking" it might not be the best term - the poster simply said she wants her children to experience some pain in order to build their character, but not that she would seek it out.  -   Lillian

Edited to add: Ah! I see now - I went back and reread your post, and realized my comment had to do with your comment, "And, life has lots of painful experiences to offer that don't involve the psychological burden that bullying carries." I didn't mean to imply that you were saying other painful experiences should be sought, but just commenting that even other painful experiences aren't helpful. 
 

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I wasn't even remotely suggesting that people seek it out. However, I will say that the pain of losing my son to stillbirth, while absolutely devastating, was in many ways less scarring than the pain of being bullied. I honestly think that's mostly because I was younger and less well equipped with tools to navigate painful situations, but I don't honestly know for sure. I'm inclined to think that if we call the effects of pain "dysfunction", then people simply aren't functional, as pain is inevitable.
 

I don't think pain is something to seek out. I also don't go to great efforts to avoid it, as I don't think it's something that can be avoided.

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#78 of 95 Old 12-01-2010, 07:43 PM
 
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Sorry I keep writing above the quote - I can't get the typing to go below it. 

 

I think we have a little different takes on the word "dysfunction" - I'm probably thinking in a lot more subtle terms than what generally comes to mind with the word. The dictionary definition refers to "impaired or abnormal functioning" or "abnormal or unhealthy interpersonal interaction within a group," but I don't think of any of that having to be extreme or even noticeable to others in order to be a problem to an individual. And I think most people do have issues they'd prefer not to have - things that hold them back from the way they'd like to function - that have been caused by pain of one sort or another, but that doesn't mean they're things that cause that person to not be able to function. ;) Lillian
 

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 I'm inclined to think that if we call the effects of pain "dysfunction", then people simply aren't functional, as pain is inevitable.
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#79 of 95 Old 12-02-2010, 09:37 AM
 
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(Interesting - I've always been able to get my responses under the quotes, but this time I couldn't. I think when I deleted my embedded quote, I also deleted a return that kept the space udnerneath open. I have no idea if that made sense, but it's something I used to run into a lot when doing word processing.)

 

Gotcha. I think we're on the same page, actually.

 

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I didn't mean to imply that you said that. There's been a discussion going on throughout the thread as to whether it's beneficial for children's character to experience pain such as bullying - I was addressing that question, not your comments, when I spoke of seeking out pain. For that matter, "seeking" it might not be the best term - the poster simply said she wants her children to experience some pain in order to build their character, but not that she would seek it out.  -   Lillian

Edited to add: Ah! I see now - I went back and reread your post, and realized my comment had to do with your comment, "And, life has lots of painful experiences to offer that don't involve the psychological burden that bullying carries." I didn't mean to imply that you were saying other painful experiences should be sought, but just commenting that even other painful experiences aren't helpful. 


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Sorry I keep writing above the quote - I can't get the typing to go below it. 

 

I think we have a little different takes on the word "dysfunction" - I'm probably thinking in a lot more subtle terms than what generally comes to mind with the word. The dictionary definition refers to "impaired or abnormal functioning" or "abnormal or unhealthy interpersonal interaction within a group," but I don't think of any of that having to be extreme or even noticeable to others in order to be a problem to an individual. And I think most people do have issues they'd prefer not to have - things that hold them back from the way they'd like to function - that have been caused by pain of one sort or another, but that doesn't mean they're things that cause that person to not be able to function. ;) Lillian
 

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 I'm inclined to think that if we call the effects of pain "dysfunction", then people simply aren't functional, as pain is inevitable.



Yeah - we're using "dysfunction" differently. I get what you mean now, and mostly agree. I will say that there have been types of pain in my life that have been double-edged - leaving scars and dysfunction, but also spurring personal growth. As far as I can tell (and it's admittedly hard to be completely sure!), the bullying I received in school didn't do that. I only hindered me, emotionally and psychologically, without any of the compensatory growth. Of course, I'm projecting that onto other people and have no idea if it's the norm or not.


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#81 of 95 Old 12-02-2010, 04:11 PM
 
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I'm thinking maybe this is the way the new format is purposely set up? Could that be? I did get a response or two under the quote at some point, I think - but that may have been by selecting and posting a quote instead of hitting the Quote button instead of the Reply button. 

 

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(Interesting - I've always been able to get my responses under the quotes, but this time I couldn't. I think when I deleted my embedded quote, I also deleted a return that kept the space udnerneath open. I have no idea if that made sense, but it's something I used to run into a lot when doing word processing.)

 

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#82 of 95 Old 12-02-2010, 04:17 PM
 
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Yes - same here in regard to the double-edged sword. Some of the huge ones have turned my life to different directions for the better once the dust settled, and I'm very thankful for those. I think those are the kinds of things that are best dealt with in adulthood, though, when we've already developed emotional/intellectual/spiritual tools to deal with them - and I think that's one of the big flaws in the "bullying is good for kids" theories.  - Lillian

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Yeah - we're using "dysfunction" differently. I get what you mean now, and mostly agree. I will say that there have been types of pain in my life that have been double-edged - leaving scars and dysfunction, but also spurring personal growth. As far as I can tell (and it's admittedly hard to be completely sure!), the bullying I received in school didn't do that. I only hindered me, emotionally and psychologically, without any of the compensatory growth. Of course, I'm projecting that onto other people and have no idea if it's the norm or not.

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#83 of 95 Old 12-02-2010, 04:53 PM
 
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Yes I do think that HS'd kids have it easier regarding bullying because they are not forced to share space with bullies unlike in institutional school.

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#84 of 95 Old 12-05-2010, 11:40 AM
 
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I'm late to this discussion, too.

 

PART of why we homeschool DID have to do with social skills and self-esteem--including bullying.

 

Someone said to "get involved" in the school to make it stop, but when you're fighting the tide--that doesn't help.  If you're surrounded by other parents with the same mindset as DandelionKid--that it's a necessary part of the process and that this is why they're IN school: to learn how to handle and navigate these situations... and when some of the people of that mindset are the teachers and administrators, then really--what do you do?  And that's been my experience more often than not.

 

My son had a spectrum diagnosis and when it was lifted, he was flagged for re-evaluation for Asperger's when he turns 8yo (which is when they're supposed to dx--not earlier.  I know some Drs. do).  He didn't (and still has a hard time) picking up social signals that would alert most kids to back off.  As a result he's prone to being manipulated and bullied.

 

I am no more of the mindset that he needs to experience this to learn than I am in agreement with cry-it-out to learn self-soothing/sleeping skills or spanking for discipline.

 

He is still "prey" to the trends of the time with kids his age.  Despite the lack of TV, he knows about (and has) Pokeman, Bakugan, etc. because that's what his friends have.  Even among homeschoolers, values differ wildly.  But he is not forced to focus his attention on managing around difficult situations at the expense of his academics and building the social skills that people love to think you get out of a brick-and-mortar school because he is too afraid to participate in them based on the reactions of a bully (in any form that you choose to define it--and that includes teachers sometimes... sad, but true--I've worked with them, witnessed them and reported them).

 

We pulled my son out of the classroom for his Pre-K year (he was mild special needs and had been in a classroom/daycare environment since he was young--full-time the year before Pre-K).  He had gone to three different types of schools--all private.  One was Montessori.  I think the worst of the problems were sometimes notsomuch the other kids, but once it was the situation and the way the teacher was perceiving the issues and handling them (with the best intentions) vs. how it was affecting my son (which she didn't realize because she misconstrued his reactions, etc.).

 

As a homeschooling family, my son is not sheltered.  He is supervised.  By me.  That means that I understand when he's in trouble because I know him better than his teacher (who may know them well by the end of the year--MAYBE--but that leaves a long span of time without that "knowing").  And I can pretty well guarantee you that I can supervise him far better than people whose time and attention is split among 12-30 other children (more if they're at recess).  That means that when the kid on the playground (during afterschool hours--when there are also ps kids) goes to punch him because he's not really "getting" that the kid doesn't like him, yeah--I can step in (because I also don't believe he's going to learn anything through violence).  That means that when he's really suffering from how he's been treated, I can help him replay the situation with accuracy because I witnessed it--where his teacher may have missed the whole thing and my son may have (or likely) missed cues/actions or misunderstood things and I wouldn't get the complete story if I'd not been there.  That also means that I can help him process his feelings and walk through the "what ifs" for next time so that he has better odds of it not happening again.

 

No question, we have our share of troubles.  In July we moved to a block where there are seriously no less than 13 kids that all play together.  THIRTEEN.  And we have some serious issues with 2 of them.  One of which includes physical aggression.  They are all public schooled.  So really, there's not much in avoiding it.  And unlike most (but not all) homeschool events/activities, I'm not always witnessing it.  But he's turning 7yo now and I've had 2-1/2 years to mold him and direct him--so it's better.

 

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#85 of 95 Old 12-06-2010, 09:49 PM
 
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i have been trying to raise my 2 to know that when children are in school it is a battle all the time. to have the right shoes, clothes, toys & everything. when my bestfriends kids say something. my dd just let it go or says something smart back.

 

its kinda funny my dd 8 and ds 4 have only been "bullied" when out in the stores. when schooled kids are sticking their tounge out, making faces, or saying mean things. we cant figue it out at all. trust me the parents see and do a thing. i feel wrong about parenting other kids for such silliness.

 

the worst thing that has ever happened. my dd actually got yelled at by a mom for sticking her tounge out. it was done to my ds they were making faces at eachother but because her dd said she did it to her. the mom thought it was her place to parent my child and yell at out in the middle of the store.duh.gif this actually gave her nightmares for over a week.

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#86 of 95 Old 12-06-2010, 11:03 PM
 
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This has not been our experience with school, at all.  I have other complaints about school, but this isn't one of them.
 

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i have been trying to raise my 2 to know that when children are in school it is a battle all the time. to have the right shoes, clothes, toys & everything.  

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#87 of 95 Old 12-06-2010, 11:10 PM
 
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This has not been our experience with school, at all.  I have other complaints about school, but this isn't one of them.
 

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i have been trying to raise my 2 to know that when children are in school it is a battle all the time. to have the right shoes, clothes, toys & everything.  


We're actually going through something similar with ds1 right now. It took until his grad year for it to set in, but it definitely has. There's no guarantee, though. I never cared what the other kids had, and my sister always did. I think it's very individual.


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#88 of 95 Old 12-07-2010, 12:08 AM
 
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I worry more about future bad teachers (not a prob for homeschoolers, but that's a different thread!) than bully kids.  Unless there is a culture of bullying at a school, it doesn't seem like something that would be a chronic problem.  Perhaps I was lucky that I was never chronically bullied and DS, only in Kindergarten, hasn't experienced it.  I do feel like I call him out daily on what I call "bully behavior" toward his 2yo brother, so we talk about what it means to be a bully.  Sometimes he tells me that I am being a bully toward him, and I have been able to see his point about it!  I guess we talk about bully behavior on a sliding scale.  My husband calls it "being a punk".  If a kid were to say mean things to him, I think it would be a great opportunity to help him realize how much it really hurts to say those kinds of things.  Now that I think about it, BECAUSE my kid seems to have such a natural instinct to tease, it is a lot easier to regularly talk about bullying.  (Teasing does run in my family, and my dad was kind of a bully toward my brother, who bullied me, and got bullied himself in school.  I can remember teasing younger kids and animals, and I feel lucky to have learned better.  I think that since I had to work to overcome my tendency to tease, it bothers me *that much more* when I see my son do it.  Which is the same pattern my dad had toward my older brother: intolerant of his teasing me, so he bullied my brother about it.  Lovely cycle!  So now when DS1 teases DS2 I speak directly to DS2 about how I would feel the same way if someone did that to me, it would hurt me too, and usually that makes DS1 immediately start discussing his reasons for why he was teasing, which is better than actual teasing, but I definitely digress...)

 

There was a kid in middle school that taunted me because I volunteered to help with the Special Education class.  I always ignored him, even though I felt weird when he was yelling at me from a car as I rode my bike home, or something like that.  Would you believe that years later, when I worked at the grocery store as a checker, this man that I didn't recognize apologized to me for being that taunter?  I wish I could have been stronger at the time and looked him in the eyes, but I was so taken by surprise that I just kind of mumbled something and kept on checking him out, not wanting to make a big deal about it. 

 

I know that it would be extremely hard to empathize with someone who makes your kids feel bad, but a kid who is a constant bullier is probably getting some pretty negative treatment themselves from a parent or guardian.  And if they ever realize what it is that they are doing, I can imagine that the guilt would be pretty bad for having tormented others for all those years.  Best thing is to ignore, stay away, and only play with kids who don't bully.  I don't think that engaging in conversation with a true bully would be productive, unless it's short, direct comments to express extreme dislike of the bully's behavior.  And I think it's good to encourage kids who see bullying to stand up for the kid who is being bullied, if they feel strong enough, because peer support extinguishes bully behavior better than adult intervention.  Just my peace.gif cents!

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#89 of 95 Old 12-07-2010, 10:02 AM
 
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This has not been our experience with school, at all.  I have other complaints about school, but this isn't one of them.
 

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i have been trying to raise my 2 to know that when children are in school it is a battle all the time. to have the right shoes, clothes, toys & everything.  



i know not all kids that go to school are like this. i know that the kids we have had run in's with are in school because it has come up. the parents say their child is picking on my 2 due to them being "homeschooled" and mine are anti-social and are bullies. which is totally wrong all the time something has happened my 2 and me are just standing there (in line, looking at something). i have only had run in's with a few kids. i find it sad parents defending their child when they are being bad. uhoh3.gif

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#90 of 95 Old 01-06-2011, 04:27 AM
 
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Late in on the discussion but I've loved reading the responses!

 

When I was in public school, I was bullied by fellow students but the biggest bullies I had were teachers! My first grade teacher, Mrs. Montoya, was horrible. She would humiliate me in front of the other students, treat me differently than she treated the girls who were popular, etc. It was horrible and I will never forget. I was freaking 6 years old!! Who does that?! Another was my science teacher from 7th grade. He would make me feel bad for always raising my hand when I knew an answer ("We all know you know the answer, Ashley! Put your hand down.") and would all in all pick on me.

 

I personally don't see any need in purposefully exposing my child to such negativity and nastiness. The social construct of public schools is so artificial and on par with Lord of the Flies. Not for us.


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