Are homeschooled kids really bullied any less than kids that go to school? - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 95 Old 11-18-2010, 06:17 PM - Thread Starter
 
liliaceae's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 1,990
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

One of my main reasons for homeschooling my son is my fear of bullying and the crappy, artificial social environment in schools.  I don't want him to be teased, or worry about if he's wearing the right clothes, or feel like he has to live up to the "cool" kids' expectations, etc.

 

But won't all this happen to him anyway, among his peers outside of school?  Right now he's 4 years old, and when he hangs out with his homeschooled friends, he is often excluded from play by the other (usually older) kids.  One of the boys he likes the most is always mean to him, excluding him, hitting him, telling him he can't play unless he follows this boy's rules.

 

Obviously he needs to interact with other kids, and sometimes they are going to bully him, so is he really going to be any better off by being homeschooled? 


lady.gifMama to DS banana.gif(5) and DD broc1.gif(2)
 

liliaceae is offline  
#2 of 95 Old 11-18-2010, 06:39 PM
 
MommaCrystal's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 994
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

When I was in school I had 8 hours a day 5 days a week in which there was the opportunity to be bullied.  And there was no choice about it.  I HAD to be there.  Was I bullied that entire time? Technically no.  But when I had a bully I feared her that entire time PLUS a heck of a lot more as I never stopped thinking about it so I CONSTANTLY felt bad.

 

So let's say there is a bully at the homeschool group or some other activity.  That activity will take place far less hours in a week than school does.  So I can't imagine the bully kid's behavior becoming an all consuming thought for my child.  And if it did, we have choices as homeschoolers and we can choose not to participate in the activity.  Poof!  Bully gone.

 

Plus since I'm normally readily available and often a part of the activities I might have more influence to positively remedy the situation before it gets out of hand.

 

Ok so it isn't always that simple I know but still.  There just isn't the kind of opportunity for bullying as there is in the school setting.

MommaCrystal is offline  
#3 of 95 Old 11-18-2010, 06:41 PM
 
TwinMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: hiding in the bathroom
Posts: 1,818
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I just asked all four of my homeschooled kids and they said they don't remember ever being bullied while homeschooling.  They are 17, 17, 9, and 5.  The 9 and 5 year olds said that they felt bullied by the 17 year olds but that's because the older ones babysit a lot and are not as lenient as I am. ROTFLMAO.gif


Homeschooling mom to four kids, ages 18, 18, 10, and 6. 

TwinMom is offline  
#4 of 95 Old 11-18-2010, 06:52 PM
 
MommyKelly's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Finally in Utah!
Posts: 492
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I just asked my oldest kids (20,19 and 16)

 

They said the bullying was awful in public (in their case charter) school. They were never bullied as homeschoolers.


*~Kelly~*
 Waldorf Mom to 9 blessings ~6 by birth and 3 by fost/adopt~

MommyKelly is offline  
#5 of 95 Old 11-18-2010, 07:02 PM
 
Storm Bride's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 27,300
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

My kids (oldest in public school, and the middle two are homeschooling) have never really had any issue with bullying. DS1 got teased some in his preteen years, because of his long (almost waist length) hair, but it didn't really bother him, and didn't last long.

 

Speaking for myself....bullying in school was hell. I got hassled once in a blue moon by neighbourhood kids, but so what? I didn't have to spend time with them. Nobody was telling me to try harder to fit in. Nobody was saying, "you need to stop letting it bother you", and putting all the onus on me, while ignoring the behaviour of the bullies. All that happened in school, and I had no choice about spending time around these people...up to and including being put on projects where I had to work with people who would mutter "kibble and bits" (from a dog food commercial) at me under their breath.
 

That's my way of saying that I know there can be neighbourhood bullying, but I don't think it's quite the same dynamic. DS2 has that habit of wanting to spend time with older boys, who aren't always that nice to him...but he can come home any time, and not have to deal with them.


Lisa, lucky mama of Kelly (3/93) ribboncesarean.gif, Emma (5/03) ribboncesarean.gif, Evan (7/05) ribboncesarean.gif, & Jenna (6/09) ribboncesarean.gif
Loving my amazing dh, James & forever missing ribbonpb.gif Aaron Ambrose ribboncesarean.gif (11/07) ribbonpb.gif

Storm Bride is offline  
#6 of 95 Old 11-18-2010, 07:51 PM
2xy
 
2xy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,162
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I can't remember my boys ever being truly bullied by another homeschooler. We've known some homeschooled kids who were not very nice....two, to be exact. And frankly, both of those boys were pulled out of public school to homeschool. One of them long since has returned to public school, and is pretty much a juvenile delinquent at this point. I dunno what happened to the other one, because we no longer live in the same state as he does.

 

But they weren't really bullies, the way I define bully. Bullies, to me, are people who target people to torment and also who try to recruit other tormentors. Someone who just won't play with you or who randomly says something rude or pushed you once isn't a bully, IMO.

 

Anyway, my kids had the option of not hanging out with the not-nice kids, so that's what we did. 

2xy is offline  
#7 of 95 Old 11-18-2010, 09:13 PM
 
Dandelionkid's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 1,674
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

It seems like you homeschooling goals center around sheltering your child from the pain of social situations. My perspective, while homeschooling my own kids, is that these painful, social experiences can grow kids into stronger individuals. I want my children to experience some of this pain so that they can grow from it. Become more empathetic, compassionate with a stronger sense of self. This sounds very ideal but, out of the strong parental bonds created by homeschooling,  these ideals can be reached for. I fear more that my kids won't encounter painful social situations than that they will :)

Dandelionkid is offline  
#8 of 95 Old 11-18-2010, 09:35 PM
 
Marsupialmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: St. Louis MO
Posts: 9,495
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I would have to say yes they are bullied less. This does not mean they never get bullied.

 

Yes, my children have been bullied by other homeschoolers!! But we parents stepped in and guided the children through the situations.

 

It is easy to help them cope when it does happen. My daughter had a group of hispanic girls refuse to look at her at the park. She is white :( The one hispanic girl that did was hit by her "friends" until the adults came in and started yelling at them.  They didn't know how mean they were being.  It actually happen several times at that park.  

 

My daughter has misformed ears.  She has been questioned and teased.  Again parents were able to step in and guide the situation. With role playing I was able to help work through how to handle both situations.  

 

In both situations, I could see what happen and give her what she needed to deal with the other people.  I also could give her a hug/emotional support through the bumps of life. 

 

Marsupialmom is offline  
#9 of 95 Old 11-18-2010, 09:46 PM
 
Lisa1970's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 2,604
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)

I have been bullied by other home schooled moms, but my children have never been bullied by other home schoolers. The bullying in the public schools is constant and every day all day long, and interferes with learning and self esteem. 

 

I am suspecting part of the problem is that you are hanging out with older kids. At 4 yrs old, you should find a playgroup for his age, not home schooling. Then, when he hits school age (and I would even wait until 6 yrs old) then I would try the home school groups. Also, I would look for different groups. Maybe the one you found is just a bad seed. I have been to many groups and have never really seen bullying going on amongst home schoolers. However, I have seen some home school moms who can be bullies, but they seem to attack other moms, not the kids.

~PurityLake~ likes this.
Lisa1970 is offline  
#10 of 95 Old 11-18-2010, 09:48 PM
 
Lisa1970's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 2,604
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)

Also, one of the benefits of home schooling, as one of the other people stated, is that you are there and can step in to teach a child how to handle a situation and how to socialize and such. In a public school, they are just thrown in the water with no guidance. Someone becomes the alpha dog and someone becomes the victim. Large schools are generally a bully or be bullied environment.

Lisa1970 is offline  
#11 of 95 Old 11-19-2010, 12:05 AM
 
Needle in the Hay's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 1,443
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I can't imagine how this wouldn't be true for the vast majority of homeschooled kids.

That doesn't mean we never run into any problems. We avoid school and day camp groups at the park, etc, because their behavior is unbelievable. This is the stuff the parents never see and the teachers/camp leaders act as if they are on their break. I think most of those kids are a lot better behaved when they aren't with the group because my son has played with plenty of nice kids who aren't home schooled. We also run across violent kids too sometimes. It seems to be kind of bad where we live, but I've heard worse about other areas of Switzerland. I can only imagine how school here would be for him.

My son has experienced a bit of teasing and has definitely been told "No" when asked to play (I've told him to not bother asking kids who are already playing with someone because they are really exclusionary here). He's also been physically assaulted by kids who invariably say "He was bothering me/us" when I intervene. I guess they either aren't used to an adult who watches and actually knows what's going on and/or adults just accept that reason and figure everyone is at fault.

However, these unpleasant episodes are rare and don't have the devastating effects of a bullying situation. There are very few homeschoolers where we live but when we have met up it's been great.

Needle in the Hay is offline  
#12 of 95 Old 11-19-2010, 02:28 AM
 
Greenmama2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Mountains of Blue, Australia
Posts: 269
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by Lisa1970 View Post At 4 yrs old, you should find a playgroup for his age, not home schooling. Then, when he hits school age (and I would even wait until 6 yrs old) then I would try the home school groups.

Why? While I don't discount that her son may be be excluded by older kids who are interested in playing different games/differently I don't think either she nor he should have to wait until after he turns "school age" to start making connections in the homeschool community. DD is 4.5 and since we moved to this area when she was 2.5 homeschool groups have been our main social outlet. Where I live it's really unusual for a child who is going to school not to start preschool or a pre-K programme between 3 & 4 if they aren't already in care before that so for us homeschool groups are the only playgroups for DD's age.
 


Grateful mama striving to respect the two precious beings entrusted to me DD '06 and DS '09
Greenmama2 is offline  
#13 of 95 Old 11-19-2010, 02:52 AM
 
onlyzombiecat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Northeast Kansas
Posts: 7,383
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

My dd (10) hasn't had an issue with bullies.

I don't think bullies are confined to school buildings. As homeschoolers we have much more freedom in who we interact with and how we handle those interactions though so I would expect accounts of bullying to be much less than at school bullying.


Kim ~mom to one awesome dd (12)

onlyzombiecat is offline  
#14 of 95 Old 11-19-2010, 03:32 AM
 
objet_trouve's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 175
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I was homeschooled and was rarely bullied. Even in my high school years when I was at my most bipolar, street preaching obnoxious, I wasn't bullied. Every single public and private school kid I knew was being bullied (one girl's family was even having to file lawsuits for sexual harassment when she was age 14), but I wasn't. My lifestyle was envied. I was free to be anti-conformist, free spirited and true to myself. I was allowed to let my eccentricities run wild, so long as I never made permanent marks on my body like tattoos or piercing until I turned 18. Being myself was easily the most valuable lesson I received.

 

If you do homeschool, please let your kid be himself!! Here's a picture of me in high school to give you an idea of how I was allowed to grow up: http://i191.photobucket.com/albums/z203/lofnmusic/DSC04844.jpg

 

I looked like that, and grew up intelligent and confident and full of hope and passion. I wouldn't change my life for anything in the world.


TTC #1 My chart: http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/329153
 

objet_trouve is offline  
#15 of 95 Old 11-19-2010, 05:39 AM
2xy
 
2xy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,162
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by Lisa1970 View Post

I have been bullied by other home schooled moms, but my children have never been bullied by other home schoolers. The bullying in the public schools is constant and every day all day long, and interferes with learning and self esteem. 

 

I am suspecting part of the problem is that you are hanging out with older kids. At 4 yrs old, you should find a playgroup for his age, not home schooling. Then, when he hits school age (and I would even wait until 6 yrs old) then I would try the home school groups. Also, I would look for different groups. Maybe the one you found is just a bad seed. I have been to many groups and have never really seen bullying going on amongst home schoolers. However, I have seen some home school moms who can be bullies, but they seem to attack other moms, not the kids.


I have not been bullied by other homeschool moms, but a friend of mine has. There is a newish, large homeschool group in the area, and she AND her daughter were bullied in it....and she was one of the co-founders! They don't participate with that group anymore.

 

I don't think it's unusual for parents of younger children to hook up with homeschooling groups. Like-minded people, and all that. Homeschoolers are used to associating with people of all ages. Are you saying that if someone takes their 7yo to a homeschool playdate, they should leave 7yo's 3yo sister at home or find a different group for that child? I've never seen that.

2xy is offline  
#16 of 95 Old 11-19-2010, 05:46 AM
 
earthmama369's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 6,989
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I've encountered a few bullying situations with both younger kids and teens in the homeschool community over the past few years. The way I see it, part of a child's learning is exploring power and social roles and dynamics. Every child makes mistakes as part of their learning process and bullying falls into one of those mistakes. The main difference for me is the increased supervision and sense of community that homeschoolers can offer, which can make such a critical difference in how bullying is handled. When I was teaching in public schools, there was a legitimate and well-intentioned push to provide students with the tools to handle bullying and the adult supervision to help stop it. However, with 600 students to less than 100 school personnel, that simply wasn't possible. In the homeschool community, there's a closer ratio and usually a more tuned-in adult presence. The tools we give them are often the same, but we can offer more presence and support simply because of logistics and size.

earthmama369 is offline  
#17 of 95 Old 11-19-2010, 06:31 AM
 
Linda on the move's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: basking in the sunshine
Posts: 10,614
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 56 Post(s)


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by earthmama369 View Post

I've encountered a few bullying situations with both younger kids and teens in the homeschool community over the past few years. .


 

We homeschooled for years, and now my kids are in school. I saw bullying in homeschool groups, and I saw parents ignore it. Because no one was in charge, there wasn't an authority who could step in and deal with it. It was really up to the parent of bully, which, for the most part, was a bit of a joke. So the parent of the bullied child can stay home and isolate their child, or put up with bullying. Those are both, IMHO, crappy options.

 

At school, even public school, there is a neutral party to ATTEMPT to deal with the situation.

 

I think bullying can happen more hours a week at school than in a homeschool group, but it happens both places.

 

The best situation for our kids has been a private alternative school, where the staff really stay on top of things. They work with the kids, but will eventual require a child leave the school if they continue in bullying behavior.

 

We found it's better when its NOT just the parents getting decide what the rules and consequences are for their kids. Parents have very different ideas about what is OK.

OliveJewel likes this.

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

Linda on the move is online now  
#18 of 95 Old 11-19-2010, 06:46 AM
 
happysmileylady's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,216
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Bullying can happen anywhere.  It can happen when the kids are playing with the neighbor kids.  It can happen at the Girl Scout meeting.  It can happen at baseball practice.  It can happen at any class you take your child too, and it can even happen at home on the computer, in the from of cyber bullying.  The more opportunities you give your child to be with other children, the more likely they are to be bullied.  When you homeschool, the biggest opportunity to be bullied-40 hours a week with lots and lots of children-is removed.  Of course the homeschooled child is less likely to be bullied than those who are in school.  There is less opportunity.  But that doesn't mean there is no opportunity.  IMO, the only way to completely avoid any chance for your kids ot be bullied, is to keep your kids home with you all the time, which isn't healthy.

 

Learning to deal with bullies is an important skill I think.  Even adults are bullied on occasion.  We teach our kids all sorts of things as kids so that they can better handle those things as an adult, and I think that how to deal with bullies is one of those things that we should be teaching our kids.

happysmileylady is offline  
#19 of 95 Old 11-19-2010, 07:13 AM
 
lotusdebi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Facebook
Posts: 6,653
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

My son (8 years old) was bullied by other homeschooled kids when he was 5. A girl twice his age organized a group in the homeschool PE class, simply to gang up on him and tease him. We left the class, and just started back up again. The kids who caused my son problems aren't there anymore. 

 

My son has been bullied by older neighborhood kids. There's one kid who leads a group of middle schoolers, and they pick on the kids who are different. He's violent, and has had the cops called on him for his bullying before. One of neighbor kids actually got a school transfer because of him. My son has been taught to avoid him, and only go to the end of the street with a friend. He has still gotten into altercations with the kid, but they've lessened since the kid (and his parents) realized that are involved parents and won't back down.

 

My son has high-functioning autism. It doesn't take long to notice that he's different from other kids his age. With homeschool groups and playing in the neighborhood, he has the options of turning to me for help, and of leaving the situation. He wouldn't have that in school. He would have no escape in school. Since one of his friend's was bullied in school and on the bus and at the bus stop by the mean kid at the end of the street, and the school didn't deal with it effectively - over a period of YEARS, I have no reason to believe that my son would be safe in school. 

 

My son has numerous opportunities to navigate difficult social situations. I have been by his side to assist with that for many years. He has also taken Social Skills classes to help him. While his temper sometimes still gets the best of him, he has learned a lot about how to ignore and walk away from mean kids. If he was in school, he wouldn't have had the kind of intense one-on-one education about dealing with those situations, and would probably be bullied more by kids who found his reactions amusing and easy to make fun of. I can't imagine that his self-esteem would remain intact. And I'd have to worry much more about his bodily safety.

spruce likes this.

You can find me on Facebook. PM for info.
lotusdebi is offline  
#20 of 95 Old 11-19-2010, 07:49 AM
 
purslaine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 6,937
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by Marsupialmom View Post

I would have to say yes they are bullied less. This does not mean they never get bullied.

 

Yes, my children have been bullied by other homeschoolers!! But we parents stepped in and guided the children through the situations.....

 

In both situations, I could see what happen and give her what she needed to deal with the other people.  I also could give her a hug/emotional support through the bumps of life. 

 


 

 



Quote:
Originally Posted by MommaCrystal View Post

When I was in school I had 8 hours a day 5 days a week in which there was the opportunity to be bullied.  And there was no choice about it.  I HAD to be there.  Was I bullied that entire time? Technically no.  But when I had a bully I feared her that entire time PLUS a heck of a lot more as I never stopped thinking about it so I CONSTANTLY felt bad.

 

So let's say there is a bully at the homeschool group or some other activity.  That activity will take place far less hours in a week than school does.  So I can't imagine the bully kid's behavior becoming an all consuming thought for my child.  And if it did, we have choices as homeschoolers and we can choose not to participate in the activity.  Poof!  Bully gone.


Yes to both of the above.

purslaine is offline  
#21 of 95 Old 11-19-2010, 08:35 AM
Dar
 
Dar's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: St. Louis, MO
Posts: 11,438
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Rain says she's never been bullied. I don't think I've ever seen her bullied, or bully someone else. That doesn't mean that social interactions always went smoothly - there were moments of "You can't play with me!" and "You're not invited to my birthday party!" (which was, for a time, the worst thing she and her friends could think of to say to each other), and kids made fun of her and were unkind, and she made fun of other kids and was unkind. The difference with homeschooling was really that the adult: child ratio was usually higher than at schools, so adults could more easily see what was going on and were able to step in and help the kids negotiate solutions if it seemed warranted. Sometimes that happens in schools, but often it's just not logistically possible. 

 

I also think that functional homeschooling groups tend to set up a dynamic of problem solving early on, so kids expect that they'll either need to resolve their issues among themselves or that an adult will step in to guide them. In the groups we belonged to what Rain was young, the kids were pretty good at working things out themselves... except when each new school year started and a new group of kids who had just started homeschooling joined up. Every year, there would be squabbles and more exclusionary play, until things sort of reached a balance. 

 

In school I was a bully, and I was bullied, at different times. I remember sitting in the principal's office and lying to his face when I was 11 or 12 about some bullying I had been doing, and he believed me because I was a good student and looked him in the eye, A  couple of years later there was a group of girls who followed my around and mocked my clothes and wrote nasty things on my locker door, and I had no idea how to deal or what to do, and I never told anyone. In retrospect, I don't know why no one - a janitor, maybe? - saw the stuff written on my locker and stepped in, but I guess back then bullying was considered normal. I do think schools do a lot more now to combat bullying.


 
fambedsingle1.gifSingle mom to Rain (1/93) , grad student, and world traveler earth.gif


  

Dar is offline  
#22 of 95 Old 11-19-2010, 08:42 AM
 
purslaine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 6,937
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by Dar View Post

 In retrospect, I don't know why no one - a janitor, maybe? - saw the stuff written on my locker and stepped in, but I guess back then bullying was considered normal. I do think schools do a lot more now to combat bullying.

 

When I was in grade 7 I was bullied rather severely.  I remember writing/doodling  all over a paper how much I hated this school, etc, etc.  It turns out I hand to hand in this paper (I did not know this when I did the writing) and the teacher corrected my spelling.  She did not ask me why I was miserable - she corrected my English.  Talk about turning a blind eye.  
 

purslaine is offline  
#23 of 95 Old 11-19-2010, 09:04 AM
 
kittywitty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: The Room of Requirement
Posts: 13,493
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 8 Post(s)
Well, we don't go to a homeschool group. But I was bullied as a public schooler, but never outside of school. Same with my oldest dd. In karate they were not bullied, but harassed by an annoying girl but we left that class because it was poorly taught and poorly supervised.

AP Mom to 5 knit.gifhomeschool.giftoddler.gif
 
  

kittywitty is offline  
#24 of 95 Old 11-19-2010, 11:04 AM
 
phathui5's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Oregon
Posts: 17,474
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)

 

Quote:
One of the boys he likes the most is always mean to him, excluding him, hitting him, telling him he can't play unless he follows this boy's rules. 

 

Have you talked to this boy's mother about the behavior? I know if my kid were the one acting that way, it would be dealt with immediately.


Midwife (CPM, LDM) and homeschooling mama to:
13yo ds   10yo dd  8yo ds and 6yo ds and 1yo ds  
phathui5 is offline  
#25 of 95 Old 11-19-2010, 11:07 AM
 
Lillian J's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 9,050
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

A child absolutely does not need to be bullied to learn how to deal with bullies that may come along sometime in life or to know compassion for others. The pain and confusion of being bullied early in life is an experience that can distract from the sense of self confidence that works quite well in dealing with later bullies in a way that can deflect or neutralize such dysfunctional behavior. A child who has a chance to develop comfort, compassion, and self confidence in social situations will fare much better if he should ever be faced with challenges. I think your son needs time and space to develop away from those kinds of irrational encounters.

 

I know of a couple of situations where my son encountered attempts to bully him, and he found that behavior so comical that he assumed they must be joking - the bullies just gave up. In one case, in 1st grade, I saw them simply stop it and become friendly. In one later case, a notorious local bully he didn't know tried to bully him when he was out with some friends, but the guy gave up and made a gesture of conciliation in front of the whole group by picking up and handing to my son something he'd purposely grabbed from him. Everyone in the group was stunned, except for my son, because he didn't know the boy's reputation. I think the common element in each case was that the bully was being treated like someone who was more than he thought he was. That social sense comes from having had a chance to develop healthy self confidence, humor, and compassion. 

 

I see no reason why bullying should be allowed in a homeschooling group - it certainly wasn't a part of the one we belonged to. I'd keep looking for social situations that are fun and supportive, and you can probably find those by arranging your own small group get togethers with compatible children. One on one play can be very rewarding, but it takes work - persistent, ongoing phone calls to make arrangements - and it starts to build its own momentum once bonds get formed. 


Lillian

Lillian J is offline  
#26 of 95 Old 11-19-2010, 11:19 AM
Dar
 
Dar's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: St. Louis, MO
Posts: 11,438
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Oh! I forgot to mention this, but I now that my daughter has defended kids who were being bullied, too, when she was 13 or so. 


 
fambedsingle1.gifSingle mom to Rain (1/93) , grad student, and world traveler earth.gif


  

Dar is offline  
#27 of 95 Old 11-19-2010, 12:17 PM
 
raelize's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 819
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)



 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by earthmama369 View Post

I've encountered a few bullying situations with both younger kids and teens in the homeschool community over the past few years. .


 

We homeschooled for years, and now my kids are in school. I saw bullying in homeschool groups, and I saw parents ignore it. Because no one was in charge, there wasn't an authority who could step in and deal with it. It was really up to the parent of bully, which, for the most part, was a bit of a joke. So the parent of the bullied child can stay home and isolate their child, or put up with bullying. Those are both, IMHO, crappy options.

 

At school, even public school, there is a neutral party to ATTEMPT to deal with the situation.

 

I think bullying can happen more hours a week at school than in a homeschool group, but it happens both places.

 

The best situation for our kids has been a private alternative school, where the staff really stay on top of things. They work with the kids, but will eventual require a child leave the school if they continue in bullying behavior.

 

We found it's better when its NOT just the parents getting decide what the rules and consequences are for their kids. Parents have very different ideas about what is OK.


my dd has been bullied by another hser.  and i watched and when i realized that it was over dd's ability to cope, i stepped in and would intervene - basically trying to redirect the bully, or letting her know that is is inapproriate behavior.  then i would let the mom know that her dd was being unreasonanable.  i would try to put this delicately and everyone can play along that they are shocked that their wonderful dd would ever act that way.  i would also let the bullly know that i was watching her.  if it continued, i would make a point of totally stepping in.  and then, yes, we don't hang out with that kid much anymore.  luckily we live in an area with TONS of hsers, so socially, we aren't tied to only one group.  also, the social co-op we are part of has a really good policy about parents watching their kids and that the bully won't be allowed to come back if there are complaints about behavior. 

but at school, i don't trust a teacher to necessarily see what is going on.  there is lots of bullying that goes unnoticed. there are just too many kids.  all the hs stuff we go to i am part of there are not drop offs, so i get to step in when i need to.  and later, dd and i can evaluate the situation.  if she was in school, i may not see it or know what is going on- i would have to depend on her to fill me in and i'm not sure she would.  how much did i keep from my mom and we are very close?

no, i would much rather be there and deal with the whole family and be able to step in than hope that the school notices or that dd tells me.  in a school situation, it becomes so normal to be bullied and then what is there to tell? it was just a normal day.

to the OP - if this is a co-op situation is there a coordinate you coiuld talk to about it?  maybe they could gently remind all parents that they need to prevent bullying.
 

raelize is offline  
#28 of 95 Old 11-19-2010, 12:54 PM
 
EdnaMarie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 6,148
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I'm going to hazard a guess and say that statistically, there MUST be less bullying amongst home-schoolers.  More involved parents on average, fewer kids in the group, around fewer kids for less time every day.

 

However, I think homeschooling out of fear is not a good idea.  There are lots of ways to deal with bullying including making sure policies that punish bullies are enforced.

 

I think some schools are far worse than others.  I was not at all in the popular crowd--band, bookish, you name it--but I was only teased briefly.  I don't know many people who were bullied.  It all depends on the school.


It's not that the stay-at-home-parent gets to stay home with the kids. The kids get to stay home with a parent. Lucky Mom to DD1 (4 y) and DD2 (18 mo), Wife to Mercenary Dad
EdnaMarie is offline  
#29 of 95 Old 11-19-2010, 02:51 PM
 
Dandelionkid's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 1,674
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


You look so joyful and free! I love this picture!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by objet_trouve View Post

I was homeschooled and was rarely bullied. Even in my high school years when I was at my most bipolar, street preaching obnoxious, I wasn't bullied. Every single public and private school kid I knew was being bullied (one girl's family was even having to file lawsuits for sexual harassment when she was age 14), but I wasn't. My lifestyle was envied. I was free to be anti-conformist, free spirited and true to myself. I was allowed to let my eccentricities run wild, so long as I never made permanent marks on my body like tattoos or piercing until I turned 18. Being myself was easily the most valuable lesson I received.

 

If you do homeschool, please let your kid be himself!! Here's a picture of me in high school to give you an idea of how I was allowed to grow up: http://i191.photobucket.com/albums/z203/lofnmusic/DSC04844.jpg

 

I looked like that, and grew up intelligent and confident and full of hope and passion. I wouldn't change my life for anything in the world.



Dandelionkid is offline  
#30 of 95 Old 11-19-2010, 02:58 PM
 
Aaronridge's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 25
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Before I had children of my own I was a teacher.  When I was out on recess supervision I was responsible for one side of the playground where about 70 children played.  I did my best to be proactive, but it is not possible for one person to take care of so many children.  There is a lot going on in schools that teachers, and parents especially, know nothing about. 

 

I do think that homeschooled children are bullied less,  but that doesn't mean that they are never bullied.  They can be bullied by other homeschooled children, neighborhood children, or even cousins.  My children have been (mildly) bullied by other children, but the difference is that they have the freedom to avoid these children and situations.  I was bullied by a boy in 7th grade by someone in my homeroom classroom.  I developed anxiety and depression as a result of this bullying and I had to spend time in the same classroom as this bully ALL DAY LONG, for 5 days a week.  He didn't bully me when the teacher was around, he bullied me in the hallway when we changed classes, when the teacher stepped out of the room, or he'd whisper something rude as he'd walk by my desk.  It was very harmful for me (emotionally and spiritually), and I would have been far better off without the bullying.  It did not "strengthen" me in any way, in fact, I would say it tore me down terribly.  I never told my teachers or parents about it.

 

In contrast, my children live a very different life than I did at their age.  They are happy and excited about life.  They don't dread every day, or worry about what other kids are going to think, do, or say to them.  I don't homeschool them to keep them away from bullies, and I don't homeschool them out of fear.  And I know some public schooled kids who are very happy and well-adjusted and love school.  Not ALL children in school are bullied and depressed, and I know my children could have been happy and excited about life AND gone to school, too.  But it's nice as homeschoolers to be able to have the freedom to make choices about where and with who we spend our days.

Aaronridge is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off