Struggling to make the right choice...
I am in love with the idea of homeschooling for my children and for the amazing freedom it would allow our family. I am in "hook, line and sinker"! I definitely struggle with some confidence issues about my ability to make it work but I ultimately know I can find my way. This post will be an "eyeful" but I just need to get it out and see if anyone has some advice.
Here's the problem I am facing, the idea of homeschooling vs. the reality of my family relationships and situation. It is early in the game but I feel like these things need to be evaluated now, otherwise we will miss out on alternative schools for my son.
So here are the details. I wok part-time and am fortunate to have the income to be our primary financial support. Otherwise I am home with our almost 5yo DS and 16mo DS with some help from grandparents. On my days with the boys, we read a lot, play games, go on bike rides, go to parks, meet with friends, run errands and I clean up the mess I am usually left with. On the days I work, my husband is off and stays with the boys though leans much more heavily on the grandparents. He is quick to offer videos to the boys and spends a lot of time on the internet when he's at home. The house is always a mess on his days at home. He has a permanent pile of clothes in our bedroom, leaves dirty clothes all over the house, rarely cleans the kitchen and leaves used/dirty utensils all over the house He is supportive of homeschooling but when presented with a part-time option of an outside pre-K program he readily admits he would prefer it and can't see helping out with homeschool at all. There is some solid tension in our marriage and I finally forced couples counseling but it is very early on and I struggle mightily with expressing my needs in our household. I am afraid of conflict and my husband is extremely talented at flipping issues back at me so I get nowhere quickly.
So my first issue is that I am HEAVILY burdened in the household, I am the primary breadwinner, I would be responsible for any and all homeschooling, I also do most of the cleanup in our house.
The next issues is DS1. He is and always has been a VERY high needs child. He rarely plays on his own at home, is often aggressive towards his brother when time is shared. He enjoys being read to but is HIGHLY resistant towards any activities outside his comfort zone. When I suggest activities, his general response is, I can't do it. Right now, he has had cereal sitting on the table for 2 hours and says he cannot do it, cannot dress himself, whines and cries a lot all day and constantly says this is the worst day ever unless I am playing whatever he wants with my full attention (would be nice if I didn't have another son and a husband who doesn't help out much!). He has seen an OT for some sensory issues which has helped modestly. I think he needs some sort of play therapy as well. That being said, around other kids he is generally a lot of fun, usually generous and plays well. Seems like home brings out the worse in him!
So by the later afternoon, I am generally fed up and not very nice to or tolerant of my son's actions. I was raised with some emotional abuse of my own and I can now connect with this old stuff rising out and lashing at my son. I also know that my anger towards his father comes out towards him. I am seeking my own counseling and have been for a couple of years and am slowly working my challenges.
So, in a nutshell, I am overwhelmed, sad, angry and frustrated. I would love to homeschool but not sure our environment suits him but I also strongly believe that sending him to school is not going to solve his/our problems and quite frankly I don't want to deal with the peer orientation B.S. that will inevitably occur the more he goes to school.
Thanks for reading my rant/vent, hoping for some thoughts/advice/support!
Mom to DS 9/18/09 and DS 3/28/13
Laugh it up, fuzzball