Horrible Encounter with MIL - Mothering Forums
Learning at Home and Beyond > Horrible Encounter with MIL
lilyka's Avatar lilyka 01:56 AM 08-08-2002
Oh my word. I was dropping my kids off at MIL this morning and I started getting the lecture. The one that begins with " Have you registered her at school yet? You are still planning on homeschooling her : ?" Well yes. I was planning on HS last year, last month and last week as well as LAST TIME YOU CHECKED!!

She started tearing up telling me how I will mess her up she won't learn essential life skills, (like standing in line and waiting her turn because thats what the real world is like you know : . Trust me we are always standing in line. She is good enough at it already ) Group activities aren't good enough. Nothing schools them like, well, school. It's not about accidemics (oh no because she certainly can't complain about that bcause M. is doing super duper accidemically) but about all those essential school skills like, like, well I am not sure. Oh, and she waited to confront me until my husband wasn't there to defend and stand up for me . That is just plain nasty rude!

Aaggghhhhh It is just so frustrating. Oh, she went off on the what makes me think i am qualified to teach her anything (well I have done a pretty good job for the last 6 years I think). That on really pisses me off. She also had the nerve to say "is it about getting to school on time in the morning. If so i could pick her up and drop her off (reads "is it because you are to lazy to follow any sort of rutine or get up in the morning" ) .

Well thanks for letting me rant once again I am sure I will have to rant more often now that we are "officially" home schooling. I wish she could just try to see the positives.

I am kinda getting concerned about the kids being over there. Will subtly belittle my dd's or me about thins. It is getting to where if I have to hear it again I will just grab the kids and walk out. I know she only wants what is best and is truely concerned but I wish she would just trust me (and millions of others who have homeschooled sucessfully ) I hate that this is coming between an otherwise decent relationship. But I am getting sick of her always belittling my choices. Most days she hold back pretty good but once she gets going on school she just lets loose. I refuse to be a doormat. Even in the name of in law peace

gilnikche's Avatar gilnikche 03:52 AM 08-08-2002
Quote:
Originally posted by lilyka

I am kinda getting concerned about the kids being over there. Will subtly belittle my dd's or me about thins. It is getting to where if I have to hear it again I will just grab the kids and walk out. I know she only wants what is best and is truely concerned but I wish she would just trust me (and millions of others who have homeschooled sucessfully ) I hate that this is coming between an otherwise decent relationship. But I am getting sick of her always belittling my choices. Most days she hold back pretty good but once she gets going on school she just lets loose. I refuse to be a doormat. Even in the name of in law peace
Go with your gut on this! It sounds like you already know what she is like. You need to stand your ground. Where does your husband stand on this? Have you both spoken to her together about this? My husband has had to talk to his mom about several issues since we had kids (Isn't that when it all starts?)

I guess I am fortunate in that my mother made it very clear early on (first year of being a mom) that she felt I was doing everything wrong. Of course she was going to take every opportunity to tell me about it! It finally came to a head when I asked her if we could agree to disagree. Her response said it all... "Absolutely not!" I chose to no longer take the harrassment & simply stopped calling or visiting. I finally saw that she had no respect for me.


I can only imagine her horror at our homeschooling & homebirths!!
StarMama's Avatar StarMama 04:03 AM 08-08-2002
Not much to add that would help you out much Lilyka, but I just had to peek in on this (and other MIL based threads) thread! I hope when we do have children that my MIL will be respectful of my choices. But she's always had a "my way is the right way" attitude... so I'm not holding my breath. She is super forgetful though, so hopefully that will work in my favor!

So just wanted to say I hear your vent, and good luck in overcoming the situation with all your hair and a decent relationship with the in laws!
Valerie.Qc's Avatar Valerie.Qc 10:32 AM 08-08-2002
Last year, my ILs learned the hard way that we were serious about the fact that WE are in charge for our children and won't keep up with nasty comments...

It was in August, we were at me MIL&FIL home for a BBQ and SIL ask if dd was going to go to the REAL school in September, we said WHAT??? REAL SCHOOL??? WHAT do you mean? that she's not learning at home?? They start expressing concerns about her well being and her "social life". We tried to explain the facts to them but they would not listen: we were wrong thinking the way we were and blahblahblah! The tone had raise so we decided to leave. Then, my SIL shooted : the true reason you're homeschooling is cause you're too lazy to go to work!!! THAT was too much! I lost it and shouted back: I may be lazy but my kids are not little pest like your dd! And we went home. We didn't spoke to them until my SIL send us an e-mail in December...

My DH had a good talk with is sister and his parents before we agreed to go to the family Christmas party.

No one had made nasty comments about our HS since... they may express concerns but they finally accept our explanations

Maybe it is something like that your MIL need to understand that you are really serious about your choices...
Irishmommy's Avatar Irishmommy 11:26 AM 08-08-2002
If this was the first time anything had been said, I would say get dh to speak to her. Since it's not, then let her have it. She's entitled to her opinions, but you don't have to keep hearing them. I wouldn't let the kids be there unsupervised either, you can't trust her to support you.

If she is so concerned about kids getting to school on time, she can come here and drive my dd every day. Would save me having to get the other 4 out the door too!
Linda in Arizona's Avatar Linda in Arizona 12:01 PM 08-08-2002
I wouldn't discuss it with her any more. One thing I have done to help when a subject is closed between me and my parents, but they don't understand that the subject is closed, is to keep saying the same response to what ever say. My favorite response is "I can see how you would feel that way, but it is our decision."


For example:

MIL "If no one beats her up and takes her lunch money, she just won't turn out normal"

response "I can see how you would feel that way, but it is our decision."

MIL "It would be so much better if you just let me run her life and take her to school."

response "I can see how you would feel that way, but it is our decision."
anythingelse's Avatar anythingelse 07:45 PM 08-08-2002
If you can get a hold of the book' Toxic Inlaws'. by Susan Forward (which has nothing to do with hsing, but has good advice on dealing w/inlaws) she addresses something close to this
sha_lyn's Avatar sha_lyn 10:50 PM 08-08-2002
Quote:
She also had the nerve to say "is it about getting to school on time in the morning. If so i could pick her up and drop her off (reads "is it because you are to lazy to follow any sort of rutine or get up in the morning" ) .
I have a friend (or should I say ex friend since I avoid her now) that would tell me point blank that the only reason anyone would home school is because they are too lazy to get their children ready for school. I got tired of asking which she thought took more energy
taking 15 to dress a kid in the AM for school or teaching them for 5 hours a day
hahamommy's Avatar hahamommy 01:37 PM 08-09-2002
{{{{Sandra}}}}
This really sucks!!! Your MIL was the greatest grammama in the world til she got stuck on this issue with you! She really should bring it up to Chad, he's the one crazy enough to marry you!! "Hey, you raised a son who wants his family this way, talk to him"
Is FIL typically silent?? Is he still doing music with the girls? Is MIL still doing educational schtuff with them while taking care of them? Has she done any Kindermusik with them? I'd think she'd want to "fill in the gaps" she sees missing in your family's approach, and she could do so very well ... It's awful she *won't*

Now the smart a$$ in me has to come out:
~we've got enough sheep in the family, I don't want to raise any more, baaaaa baaaa baaaa
~I've screwed her up so bad this far, I don't think school can fix her!
~your children are horribly emotionally and socially scarred from their public school experience, we want to save the girls from the same damage
~Would you want to be M's 1st grade teacher? Poor thing, they really don't get paid enough!
~agree with her, then blame Chad, after all, "he's the *head of the house* just like you taught him, mommy!"

Okay, so you can't/won't say these things outloud to Pat, but it will help to have them running thru your head. If one slips out, blame the pregnancy hormones/nursing hormones/mommy stress!!!
I'm still SAD she won't help and support this endeavor! She is truly a wonderful source and her witholding is only damaging her relationship with her grandchildren.

Be kinder to her than she deserves, she is worth the investment, too
SueDid's Avatar SueDid 05:50 PM 08-09-2002
Our families don't talk about school with us at all. My mil made no bones about the fact she thinks the kids should go to school, mostly so I could go out to get a job and help her poor son support us. My Mom and Dad probably think we're nuts, but are too loyal to say so, so at least they don't undermine us about the decision. My mil is beginning to change her tune, though. (my parents and inlaws live only a few miles from one another in retirement communities in Arizona) My mom said they ran into them in the store one day and all they could talk about was how wonderful our children are. There were no negative comments on their last visit at all.

We are the poorest of those in dh's family (he has 2 brothers and one sisiter) and have the most children. His mom used to always tell us what we should do...she was not thrilled when we continued to have children after our boy and girl were born. BUT, they visited dh's brother and family on the way up here and they aren't happy at all. They have lots of money but huge marital problems. During our visit she said at one point "money doesn't buy happiness"...I couldn't believe those words were coming out of her mouth. When we were alone a short time later I asked how the bil is doing and the conversation came around to money isn't everything...she told me she knew I'd catch what she meant when she said that. My mouth about hit the floor.

So things really can change! I think they are seeing the good results with our children (ages 15 to 2) and are beginning to be able to admit there may be more than one good way to do things. It was nice to not feel like the overweight (I am, but working on it) hillbilly (smallish house, big family) lazy( I don't work outside the home) dil which is how I usually felt, LOL.
Sue
lilyka's Avatar lilyka 09:36 PM 08-09-2002
Thanks so much for all your support. The suckiest thing is that we really did have a good relationship up until this whole homeschooling thing. We sisn't agree on stuff but she rarely brought it up and if she did the topic was easily changed. But she just won't let it die!!!! And she attacked me in front of the girls. In front of my children!!! WTF! She knows that is against the rules. She has no right to make my dd feel bad about something that was not her choice and she had no control over. AHHHHH! (O.K. feel better now)

Diana:

Dom't think for one minute that she didn't drag you into this. "I was over at your house listening to you and all your friends (had to be you ) talking about HS this and HS that and your theories and I was terrified because none of you are qualified to teach your children. None of you had any kind of training" Go postal on her babe We have had six years of extensive training on how to teach our children and as far as i know neither one of us has had to find an expert to help us. And our kids are all pretty smart cookies ).

Stan is a closet supporter I think. She has never said anything in front of him. He gave me a packet of ways to teach children without actually having them sit in front of books. Seemed pretty supportive to me. He also loaned me a video by Ken hamm in which he says no responsible Christian would send thier wee babes to the wolves which agree with it or not you have to admit. Unmistakably very pro-homeschooling and Stan thinks it is great video and the guy is one of the most intellegent people who he has ever heard speak. (Support Support) maybe I should ask him to ask his wife to ease off. Besides when he feels strongly about something he isn't the kind to sit around and pretend he is OK with it. If he had a problem with homeschooling he would have said something to Chad (notice how he would have talked to *his child* without his grandchildren present) by now.
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