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Old 11-07-2002, 03:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I know there are others here on MDC who don't have kids yet and some not even TTC yet. I though I'd start a tribe for us since I have felt ostracized because of this on another board (not MDC though...MDC is great). I'm not sure if there is already a thread for this tribe, if so please point me in the right direction.

So my first question is...What is it like to be a non-mama with AP philosophies such as EBF, co-sleeping and especially gentle discipline i.e. no spanking??? I get told lots that I WILL change my mind on those things once I have kids. Do you all face the same oppositions?? How do you deal with it?

Also when do you plan on having kids? Are you actively TTC yet or just lurking and reading here at MDC to gain perspective?

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Old 11-07-2002, 03:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I answer my own question(s) first.

It's rough being a non-mama with AP philosophies. I don't think I have clear idea of where my boundaries are. I am so passionate about this right now and I love to discuss my beliefs but I know I step on toes. I don't believe that I will change my ideologies though I know they will be tested later on by kids.

I'm not TTC yet as I am not in a committed relationship whatsoever right now. I haven't found the right guy. I'm only 20 as well and don't feel that I'm ready yet to be a mother. Also I'm still in school and want to finish that up first. When I have found the right guy and we are in a committed relationship, then I will start TTC. That will probably be several years from now.

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Old 11-11-2002, 04:47 AM
 
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I just wanted to say you rock!!!!!!I think it is so cool that you are into AP even when you are not a mother IRL life.When I say not IRL yet I mean bc here were are all mothers regardless......to each other and everyones children.It takes a village
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Old 11-11-2002, 01:50 PM
 
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I'm a mama now, but I used to be in your shoes. I started coming to MDC about six months before we had a baby through adoption, and at the time, of course, had no idea when I'd be a mom. It was wonderful that the women here accepted me so readily.

I can relate to your feelings--I felt so strongly about AP, but didn't have the actual parenting experience to back it up. I read everything I could get my hands on. My sil once commented on how once I had a child, everything I thought I knew would go out the window. I resented the implication that I didn't know anything and that it was pointless to learn anything. I am so happy to report that everything HASN'T gone out the window. Some of my expectations of myself have had to change--I've learned how human I am--but I'm still totally committed to AP, and I'll bet that you will be too. I would say that as long as it's the underlying philosophy that you're committed too, more than all of the actual tools, you'll be OK. Because it's true that each child is different and what you think may work, may not. You won't change your mind about any of the things you've mentioned. Even if, heaven forbid, you had problems with bf or something, and if the worst happened and you weren't able to--you wouldn't change your mind, you would just figure out how to adapt your situation in the best way possible.

I feel strongly that the more prepared you are, with the most study and thought behind your ideas, you will be off to a much better start. I went through 7 years of infertility, so I had plenty of time to think about parenting, to watch other people, etc. I'm glad I had it. It made a difference.

One of my pet peeves (here at MDC and anywhere else in real life) is people who complain about childless people. I hate the stereotype that childless people know nothing about kids, that childless people are selfish and care only about their oh-so-non-important concerns, and couldn't possibly ever understand mothers. It bugs me when moms talk about how now that they have a child, they need to "move on" from their old friends. I am so glad my friends didn't do that! It is important to have people who understand literally the things you're experiencing, but I just wish we could all be one big happy family, seeing others as real, whole people instead of roles (or lack of roles).
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Old 11-11-2002, 02:21 PM
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(Jumping up and down!) Me too me too!!
I am ttc now - so no kiddos here yet. I will share bits of wisdom with my mom and she will be hyper sceptical and say things like, "Well that all changes whne you have one." I keep wanting to ask why it has to change? Why do I need to revert to the mainstream when I have a kid? Is it less work - I don't think so. It is easier - not in the long run. I don't get why no one seems to think I have thought about this, that I may have ideas that I want to at least try. And they may not work for me and I may revise my thoughts...but I want to try - not be told immediately that it won't work. You should hve heard my mom when I talked about cloth diapers....ugh.
Or the first conversation I had about vaccinations....of course then I presented her with the suggested schedule and had her look at my immunization record and see how many shots they had added. Then she was with me. hee hee - i love converting people.
So yeah - i understand. I am 28 and people are still telling me I have a long time to have kids I shouldn't even be thinking about all this yet...mmmmm...well since I am not getting pregnant by concentrating really hard, I may not have all that much time. Plus I would like to be a mom now dammit!!! grrrrr...."oh be patient, it will happen when it is supposed to." Always said by the friends with kids already!!!
hee hee - guess I needed a vent....hee hee :LOL

winner.jpg Adina knit.gifmama to B hearts.gif 4/06  and E baby.gif  8/13/12 (on her due date!) homebirth.jpg waterbirth.jpg

 

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Old 11-11-2002, 05:57 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So glad to see some posts!!

Quote:
Here were are all mothers regardless......to each other and everyones children.It takes a village
Charmarty--Thank you, thank you for your very kind words...they really do mean alot to me. I always hope that this type of "preparation" will help out in the long run. I say preparation like that because I don't feel that this is a chore or "homework" that I'm doing but instead I'm genuinely interested in mothering matters and I love it here at MDC, I have never felt so supported and loved outside of my own family.

Laurel--it's good to hear that you didn't change your ideals once your baby came into your life. I think many ppl don't realize that AP comes from the heart...It just makes so much sense to me that I really don't see myself mothering any differently. Of course, there is a great possiblity that I may but all the positive stories I read here at MDC really gives me confidence.

AdinaL--vent away!! I know what you mean. My parents listen to my philosophies and they laugh!!! Because I'm so young, my dad thinks it is funny that I could be so foolish to think that co-sleeping won't leave a child co-dependent and that not spanking won't raise a brat.

That's what I want this thread to be--a place to vent frustrations but also to anticipate what is to come. I look forward to more posts.

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Old 11-11-2002, 06:51 PM
 
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Hiya Kylix,

Count me in too. The Mothering boards made me an AP Mum-to- be. I was already sure that I would breastfeed and never let my baby CIO (my Mum is very pro the first and very anti the second) but I had not heard of many of the other AP philosophies or that there was a term embracing all of these things before I found myself here.

I have been lurking on MDC for about a year an a half but have finally started contributing because my H and I plan to start TTC in the New Year. I am currently on my last packet of pills and getting very excited .

It is hard to be a non-parent with AP ideals (I suppose it gets us toughened up for the future ). Especially because I don't feel that I can really tell people who are already parents what they should or should not do with their children.

I have heard plenty of comments along the lines of "you'll change you mind when you have them". Well maybe I will find that I do some things a little differently from how I currently envisage them but I don't see the central tenets of my philosophy changing.

I love the basic ideal of AP that one is responsive to one's children and meets their needs (rather than their wants). How can that be a negative thing?

One good thing that has happened so far is that I managed to convince my sister to try cloth nappies when she has children. She sounded *very* sceptical when I mentioned it but has since mulled it over, done some research of her own and asked me for some URL's to look at. You just never know where you may have planted a seed!

Goodness, I have rambled on a bit. Nice to "meet" you and the other not-yet-parents. I look forward to chatting with you all some more soon.
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Old 11-11-2002, 07:42 PM
 
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What a great idea for a thread!! I know we have plenty of members who dont have children!

Not all those who wander are lost 
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Old 11-12-2002, 02:52 PM
 
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Hi Kylix and all other not-yet-mamas,
My name is Kelly. I am not yet a mom, but am deeply committed to the foundations of AP. I am 31 and I teach middle school in Massachusetts. While I hope to someday have a traditional family unit, I am willing to TTC or adopt solo. Being a mom is more important to me than settling for a partner that just doesn't fit.

I get a lot of flack from non ap-ers who tell me that I have no right to an opinion, since I have never birthed a child. I try to let these sort of comments in one ear and out the other, but you know how it is sometimes.

I have had the privilege to meet some mothering moms via the northeast camping trip and look forward to meeting more. I am looking to relocate this june and am looking toward either the Florida keys or the west coast.

Thanks Kylix, for starting this thread.

Peace and blessings,
Kelly
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Old 11-24-2002, 01:09 AM
 
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Hey Kylix,
Count me in too! I started with the home water birthing idea, then saw Mothering Magazine in Whole Foods, found this forum and kept seeing the word "AP" (kept thinking to myself, "What's "AP"?) did more research and reading on this forum and realized that AP was exactly what I was looking for :-) DH and I are planning on TTC at the beginning of the year! Wow!!! (Now if I can just find a place to live in Colorado that's AP friendly......)
So anyway - thanks for starting the thread and helloooo to everybody!

Krissy
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Old 11-24-2002, 01:21 AM
 
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I'm a mama, but this thread is putting me in tears....What lucky kids to be!!!!
It's beautiful that you are thinking so much about parenting...I know too many parents who STILL do not put much thinking into it! I'm forever exploring as a mom, but feel AP has never been a choice...it just FELT RIGHT!

Peace, Love, and Harmony,
Mamasoleil
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Old 11-25-2002, 02:41 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Hey guys!!

So glad to see some more "not yet mamas" here.

Thanks Mamasoleil for your kind words.

Swcolors inspired me to ask a new question to the group...how did you first hear about AP? I know alot of ppl who already have kids just kinda fell into it. It felt right to them once they were holding their babes. But what about those of us who have not had kids yet...aren't even expecting yet? Was this how you were raised or did you learn about it from another source? Was it MDC?

For me, I was watching tv one day and a news program had Katie Allison Granju on for an interview. And she was talking about Attachment Parenting. She said she was still nursing her 4 year old and 2 year old both. She held her ground amongst other well-meaning women making comments like "don't they bite you?". She was so confident about it all. It really spoke to me.
She went on to describe other AP practices including how she doesn't believe in spanking because "It's not about what works, it's about what's right" (will ALWAYS remember that quote...). And then they flashed her book up on the screen and I ran out and bought it and devoured it so quickly. Why I didnt let it all go in one ear and out another, I don't know. Why I even paid any attention to an interview about parenting practices is a mystery to me too cuz I was only 17 at the time and that was the least of my concerns. After that book, I picked up The Baby Book and read it too since she referred to Dr. Sears so much in the book. Somewhere in there I found MDC. I don't know how I found this website but listening to these moms talk about how they treat their children has solidified AP in my mind even further. Reading books is one thing but hearing how you guys actually put it into action and do things day by day has really shown me that this IS the way I want to mother my children.

I lurked here for more than a year and then finally registered this past May. So glad that I did. I feel at home here.

Kylix
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Old 11-25-2002, 03:27 AM
 
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Yeah Kylix! What a GREAT thread! I found out about AP'ing from Mothering here, and then other research. I don't share a lot of details about my ideas, co-sleeping, extended breastfeeding, no spanking, ect. Because when I try to even *start* explaining most of my friends without kids just don't want to listen. So I've basically just started telling them to expect me to be a "weird" "hippy" mother. Since all my friends think I'm "weird" anyways, I'm just letting them know what to expect! I don't think AP is *weird*, but they do, so blah, no point in arguing with them when they don't want to listen to me anyways.

I don't get a lot of "you'll change" because luckily my friends know I'm stubborn and they aren't going to change my mind! And I've told them to not bother trying out any arguements with me without having *facts* and not "My uncle's sister's best friend Suzy said..."

Its GREAT to be able to talk to other waiting-to-be moms.

Lisa, mama to Orion (7) , Fiona Star (born sleeping @ 38wks 12/6/08) , our bitty (m/c 7/27/09) , and Charlotte Athena (11/5/10)
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Old 11-25-2002, 01:38 PM
 
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I have a role model, who modeled AP before it was even coined. She introduced me to the practice and having seen it work first hand, seemed like a natural way to parent.
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Old 11-26-2002, 06:26 PM
 
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Yippee!!!! I've been hoping to find a thread like this! I too am not-a-momma-yet, but plan to ttc this coming summer. I stumbled upon MDC following a link to an article and can't stop coming back! There is so much wisdom woven into these boards, its all the things I want to know (more) about!
To answer your question Kylix, I live in a very AP friendly area, so really began to learn about it 5 years ago when I moved here and studied herbalism & nutrition for several years. I met lots of AP mommas and really connected with their philosophies even though I wasn't even thinking about going there yet. I didn't even know they still did homebirths 5 years ago! Now that I'm ready, I'm so happy to have had these experiences, I feel like I'm at such a better advantage now that I know it doesn't have to be done the way my relatives do it! (read: NON-AP!)
swcolors - I live in a very AP friendly area of CO and I moved here from NY too! Are you looking more city, farm country or mtns? I'm in the mtns, quite rural, but also pretty close to bigger towns and city. Where are you in NY?
So good to meet you all!

-Sheryl

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Old 11-26-2002, 08:13 PM
 
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I found out about AP by accident. My SIL was pregnant and as she was the first in our generation of family and the first of my friends expecting a baby I was pretty excited about it. I was checking out babyzone for their week by week pregnancy calender and whilst browsing the site came accross the birth stories.

One story in particular caught my attention, it was a beautiful description of a homebirth which ended with the while family in bed and the Mum tandem feeding the new baby and her two year old daughter. This was a new concept for me and in the blurb for the story the parents were described as practicing "attachment parenting".

I had no idea what this was so I did some research on the web and came accross the Whole Family site, the Natural Child site, Dr Sears and MDC.

The AP philiosophy seemed so right to me and everything that I have read since then has only reinforced that.

I don't embrace all that is NFL but these forums are definately a home on the web for me and one of the most intelligent group of women I have come across so far .
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Old 11-26-2002, 11:40 PM
 
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Hello everyone! I am a mamma-wannabe. My dh and I areTTC #1. We have been married for 1 1/2 yrs now. I found out about AP from Mothering. I havea lways loved parenting magazines and anything having to do with being a mom or giving birth. I saw Mothering magazine in WHole Foods one day and picked it up. Since my parents are hippies, a lot of AP practices are very familiar to me.

Gossamer

Before you were conceived, I wanted you. Before you were born I loved you. Before you were a minute old, I would have died for you. That is the miracle of life. ~Maureen Hawkins~
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Old 11-27-2002, 12:58 AM
 
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How lovely. :-) I remember when we first started TTC, how exciting it was, how wonderful the postive (finally!) preg test was. What an exciting journey you setting out on... (prepositional problem there, I know lol). All good wishes to your lucky babies, and to all of you.
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Old 12-03-2002, 02:04 PM
 
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I'm almost through the 2ww. I can test on Friday. PMS and Preg symptoms are SO similar. Send me baby dust!

Kelly




PS--this is my 100th post!
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Old 12-03-2002, 02:39 PM
 
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~*~ dust~*~ dust~*~ dust~*~ dust~*~ dust~*~ dust~*~ dust~*~ dust~*~ dust~*~ dust~*~ dust~*~ To you Kelly!!!!

Lisa, mama to Orion (7) , Fiona Star (born sleeping @ 38wks 12/6/08) , our bitty (m/c 7/27/09) , and Charlotte Athena (11/5/10)
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Old 12-03-2002, 06:27 PM - Thread Starter
 
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~~~~~~~~

Thinking good thoughts for you, Kelly!!!

Kylix
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Old 12-04-2002, 10:56 PM
 
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being a mother has been my passion since i was a young child.
i am not a mother yet...though i have a stepson. he is great but i don't get to see him the way i would love too and i have limited say in what goes when it comes to him.
my SO and i are not trying to conceive but i want a child soooo bad I can smell her.
i was raised with a very loving and attached mother..she digs some things i tell her about how i would love to raise my child but at times she just smiles and says. " we'll see". i tell her that yes, she WILL see that it can be done
i have had strong feeling on how i want to raise my children since i can remember (before i even knew of AP) and i strongly believe that when i have a child i will gather more wisdom on the gentle relationship i want for my family.
i like the idea of this thread... i often feel like such an outsider on these boards BECAUSE i am not a mom...

i also want to say that I too apprieciate what Charmarty said..

peace
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Old 12-05-2002, 01:30 PM
 
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Sending baby dust to hippymama2b!!!! BTW - my family lives in the Fla Keys, it's lovely there.

Reading everyone's replies made me think about the fact that I haven't really expressed my philosophies around parenting, and what I'd like to do, to very many people in my life. I guess I feel like they would give me all the replies you all have been getting, like I don't know what I'm talking about. Which makes me think, oh boy am I in for something when I finally open my mouth! Most of my friends that are moms are practicing AP or are pretty open. But my family is another story... I think my MIL might just flip when I tell her I plan to have a home water birth! Yipes! I've always done things my own way, and the fam has been pretty supportive, but the world of parenting makes me nervous only because I'm afraid of what they'll try to impose. Does anyone else feel the same? At least I'm very far away, so that makes things a little easier. And I have lots of time to prepare my rebuttals.:LOL Thank gods & goddesses for MDC!

-Sheryl

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Old 12-13-2002, 06:48 PM
 
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Any AP or parenting books that have affected the way you plan to parent your children someday?

Personally, I like the Dr. Sears books and You Are Your Child's First Teacher.

Any others?
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Old 12-14-2002, 12:19 AM
 
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Hi! I too think that this is a great thread! Thanks for starting it Kylix! I also was a lurker at the boards here for a few months before actively ttc. Which we are now! I heard about some AP related ideas from a friend of mine but mostly I've learned a lot from the boards here.

I also feel certain about my ideas about AP methods even though I'm not a mother yet and am sort of politely scoffed at by those who I share this with who do things differently. It is maddening, I'm 33 yrs. old and they talk to me like I'm some kind of naive child.
But I have only to see the struggles that one of my mainstream parenting friends is having with her 9 mo dd as she tries to 'train' her to eat and sleep just the right ways and at the right time. It's enough to make me cringe and I know that however I do things it won't be like that.
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Old 12-14-2002, 01:53 PM - Thread Starter
 
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hippymama2B--how did the preg test come out?

Books that I have enjoyed and that have helped shaped me are...

Attachment Parenting by Katie Allison Granju (first one I ever read--introduced me to the whole concept)

The Baby Book by Dr.William Sears

Becoming the Parent You Want to Be is also good tho not neccessarily AP

Positive Discipline by Jane Nelson (and any other books in this series) EXCELLENT!!! Changed my mind on punishment...

How To Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and Listen So Your Kids Will Talk by Faber and Mazlish--GREAT GREAT GREAT!! can't say enough about this one or the other ones by them Siblings Without Rivalry by them is also good.

There's another book with a catchy title that I always seem to mess up I think it's The Seven Secrets to Successful Parents by Randy Rolfe...I read it before the Faber and Mazlish books and it talks about how to listen and talk to your kids reflectively and attentively as well as other positive discipline tools....I think it is very AP though she never uses that term.

I'm currently reading Kids Are Worth It! by Barbara Coloroso..It's also good.

All great books...

Kylix
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Old 12-14-2002, 02:45 PM
 
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Hi Kylix,
Nada this time. I may not try again until June. How's thing's with you?
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Old 12-14-2002, 10:26 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm sorry about AF showing up...I'll continue to think good thoughts for you though!!! I know you'll be a great mom!!

Things are going fine for me, thanks for asking!

Kylix
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Old 12-26-2002, 02:37 PM
 
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As 2002 comes to a close, are any of us thinking of ttc in 2003? I may start again in June 2003.

Happy New Year to all.

Kelly
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Old 12-26-2002, 04:08 PM
 
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Dh and I are going to be actively ttc this cycle, which will put us at the end of January and then I think we might be taking a break from actively ttc because dh's job is terrible late Oct. through the Holidays and I don't think it would be a good time for us to be having a baby, and I think we might just need to take a little break from thinking about it so much. We won't actively try to avoid a pregnancy though. It makes me sad to think about it, even though it probably would be for the best. Well, maybe the holiday season will be good to us.
Here's wishing us all lots of joy for the New Year!
Cante Winyan is offline  
 
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