
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Listening to Widespread!
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?).


Jen
Mama of 2 precious boys
(9)
(6) and still in
with my Matt
after 12 years together.
Domestic Violence Children's Advocate and Counselor 

Jen 47 DS C 2/03
04/29/08/ DD S 10/28/09 DH Bill '97.
mighty-mama and her sister Kundalini-Mama






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Thank you for pointing that out to me. I apologize for my ignorance and any hurt or disrespect felt by readers of my post.
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I would tread really carefully in the territory where ASD is being used almost interchangeably for a*hole. I have known more than one woman convinced she was married to a man who was borderline Asperger's when in fact the man was manipulative and unkind in ways that would be very atypical for a person with the diagnosis because the negative behaviors they were exhibiting actually indicated a great deal of social understanding.
Yes, folks with ASD can have trouble reading social cues in ways that can be challenging in a relationship, but there are also people that are simply unkind jerks. I don't think it is helpful to the many kind people with ASD to lump it in with being a jerk. |

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I was going to reply to these two but read the rest of the posts and want to say this:
For what it's worth, I firmly believe that the spouses of those who are borderline aspergers' (or whatever other level) deserve a place where they can learn, get support, grow, and vent without guilt or judgment or criticism for terminolgy. This is what I am asking for here. ![]() ![]() ![]() |

), but I really worry what dating/marriage/parenting life will be like for him. Do you mind if I lurk here? His social skills are horrendous, but he's so snsitive with his feelings. The littlest things hurt him. Badly. All he wants to do when he grows up is to be a Daddy and have "a wife like Mommy".

He also has a near pathological fear of pumpkin innards and mushrooms. He has told me that he finds eye contact "threatening," and his main response when I'm upset and crying is to either (1) walk out of the room, (2) tell me to just stop worrying about it, or (3) become really angry at me. However, he's very patient and kind when our kids are upset, even though if he's not dealing directly with them he doesn't notice they're upset (like the earlier poster mentioned, it doesn't tear him up to hear a baby crying from a room away). I think he can remain so calm because it doesn't particularly affect him because he doesn't feel empathy in general. His sister works at a school for autistic children and she agrees with me that he's probably an undiagnosed case of aspergers. He doesn't understand general conversational structure, and is very confused when strangers keep talking to him in stores or at restaurants - he just doesn't "get it" that when he continues to ask questions of them, they will continue to talk to him. When we have family over for dinner, he often has to go stand out in the yard by himself for awhile because he finds it overwhelming (this is our family of four plus my parents, grandmother and sister - so a group of eight total). We'd planned on having 4-5 kids, but he says he finds having two children "overwhelming" even though he works until 6pm every day and they go to bed at 8pm.
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It has helped, but I still can't help feeling rejected that he never asks how I am or notices when I need help or offers any love or support without me specifically asking - but I am getting better about saying "hey! I really could use a hug and some support, I've having a tough day and that's why I'm crying right now." And, of course, part of me always wonders if I'm just a super-needy-totally-annoying bitch to want/need so much more attention than he's able to give.
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because I have been reading and researching this for years and we do exercises relating to it. I know it sounds funny
I don't mean we sit and work on it like we are in school or something, but just little things we do together that I believe (and he believes!) really help him -- things like if we order pizza, he calls and orders. That used to be a HUGE deal for him to do believe it or not, but now he does.... A lot of times, when I just step back and trust that he will do what needs to be done, he comes through --- although sometimes not in the way that I would have done it, but he does.
). I try to understand that this is his way of connecting or breaking the ice or coping with a situation that is uncomfortable or overwhelming for him although it is hurtful sometimes.
) about certain things. I have to state my needs and wants specifically and clearly. Like another poster said though, this benefits me in life too because it helps my communication with others.
or give him detailed instructions for a simple errand.... but on the other hand, you will never catch him in a strip club or drinking or yelling at me so I count my blessings rather than my troubles (or at least I try!).


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For instance, he is 37 -- and just the other day had a lightbulb moment. He was talking about how he had to break an appointment with someone he is playing music with.... and how the person came to his work (he teaches music) on his break and told him how he was upset because he was counting on my dh playing that day and etc... and my husband got this huge *a-ha* moment that other people feel the same way he feels when he gets disappointed. He was all happy he made that connection. I mean, he *knew* that in theory, but I don't know as he ever felt that connection -- whereas most typical people learn that at a very early age.
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dh wants to persue a professional dx, but i am reluctant. when we last discussed it (about a week ago) i told him i'm concerned that it would somehow hold him back or get him feeling down to have that official label. i also worry that it would become some sort of crutch for him. |




: I was continually and deeply hurt by her. From what I've read, she may not really have hated me my whole life, the way I'd always believed. I've been giving my sister information about it, hoping that if my mum finds out about it and can understand herself a little better, then her life can be easier. She does not know, and my father is somewhat abusive and blames her coldness for all of his issues. No one understands why she is the way she is, but after hours and hours of reading about what it is like to have Asperger's..... I really think that is her issue, if you can call it an issue... her reason for being the way she is.



and he is a VERY detailed oriented person and helps me a lot with that. He is a wealth of information -- he has helped me in so many of my college classes (and in life) with the depth of information he has on such a wide array of subjects. He can tell you the date of almost any historical event and he knows so many details about so many things it is amazing (I always tell him we need to get him on Jeopardy or something
). I am a pretty impulsive type person and he is very regimented and cautious, this has helped us both -- I have helped him loosen up, he has helped me be more cautious in certain things. I am very outgoing, he is very reserved. He has helped me keep my mouth shut and stand back a bit when it is called for, I have helped him speak up a bit more and seek out more connections/relationships. So many more things but those are just small examples...


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we're TTC#2, and my biggest worry is that we'll go through all of that misunderstanding again. have any of you experienced something similar with your DPs? any helpful suggestions or hints on how to get through that more smoothly than we did last time? he was so wonderful, strong and selfless during the labor and birth. it's just the post-partum period that was a struggle for us.
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How do you deal with the loneliness and feeling disconnected/unwanted (if you do)?
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: I really struggle with this... mostly because it seems like my DH WANTS a close connection, but is unable to maintain it (or I am unable to maintain it in a way that works for him). I do feel lonely and useless a lot of the time... like why am I in this relationship again? Usually something reminds me, though, before it all becomes too hopeless.|
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