getting ready to concieve again and lingering BT..long - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 1 Old 12-19-2008, 11:20 AM - Thread Starter
 
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this was my 4th birth, my first two were hospital induced 36 weekers, and my 3rd was a beautiful,quick homebirth. really opened my eyes to natural parenting and I have a smart, secure, awesome 5 yr old. I felt so great and empowered I could never imagine birthing another way again.
this time around when I found out I was pregnant, we had moved to va for dhs job, and I was miserable. and the renters trashed our house back in mass. i packed up the kids and moved back here while he finished up (which broke up our marraige after baby for a while). I could not find a hb midwife in va, and I really felt like I HAD to with my old one, who was like a mother to me.
this pregnancy, i had no ultrasounds, just the mw care starting at 23 weeks.I thought it was the most natural way I could go aside from UC. my labor started a week and a half after my due date, same as my other son. it was a night before a huge snow storm, also the same. I felt a little pop, but no water. contractions, but not regular or strong. it was not straightforward like my sons 5 hr labor. I was starting to get scared and frustrated, and I have never been so exhausted in my life during labor. I walked, I cried. then came the part I hate, and this time was particulary aggresive, the manual help with my cervical lip. Felt like 3 hours of that and I was so tired and frustrated I refused to push through the 3rd crest of the contraction (not sure which hurt worse..lol).finally after 12 hours his head was there. my pushing was weak because of my bone crushing exhaustion, but I was flipped into mcroberts again, and they yelled push. and she said I pushed like she had never seen. All I remember after that is her telling the sitter the kids had to leave now, muttering to get the placenta out, and a shot of something. what seemed like 10 min was two hours, and with a tincture she slowly brought me back. I could not pee with out oxygen, I kept fading in and out. ethan jherico was perfectly healthy, 9-14. my biggest baby. The stopped the hemohrrage, and left a little bit later. there was a foot of snow. I missed the great baby moment after, my recovery time was excruciating long. every bone felt broken, every blood vessel popped. bruises everywhere. I looked like a vampire. I had a second degree tear that she did not stitch, and ended up partially opening again. my hubby said my placenta was busted and that is why it was not saved for me.
I know if I was in the hospital I would have been sectioned, and i wouldnt have wanted that. but I can barely have sex, and have not for a very long time. i tell my hubby its nursing, but its not. I think its the fact that my vagina feels different, and it is a reminder of what I went through.
I know that this is going to sound a little selfish, but how do you get over that feeling of losing yourself? I can't seem to have the two meld, and I am terrified of birth, and even more terrified of hospitals, and even more terrified of further trauma to my vagina. thank you for reading my story, and sharing insight, exp, and suggestions in advance.

Rachael

mom to 6 wonderful kids
wife to an on the path to wonderful dh!
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