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Feeling Traumatized but everyone else thought it was a perfect birth (?)

8K views 48 replies 44 participants last post by  cathicog 
#1 ·
I want to preface this by saying that I am very aware that other women have had truly long, difficult births, often resulting in vacuums/forceps/c-sections and other things that have been far more difficult to process than my birth. I feel guilty for posting my "easy" birth story, but I also wanted sort through some of my negative feelings about my birth.

I had planned a hospital birth with a midwife at a hospital about 2 minutes from my house. First baby. I was impatient to get baby out for a number of reasons and took castor oil after a good nights sleep at 7am (2 days before EDD). I went back to sleep. Woke up at 7:45 with contractions and diarrhea. Sat on the pot for a little while, then took a shower, still having contractions that were stronger than I'd had during the earlier part of my pregnancy.

Got out of the shower and started timing them. 2 minutes apart and very regular. Woke my husband up around 8:15am. I was very calm and not quite admitting to myself that this was happening REALLY fast. My husband, thinking things would be nice and slow (like we heard about in childbirth class) asked if he has time to shower and eat some oatmeal. I said yes (should have said ''no'' probably...I was being very calm).

Halfway through his oatmeal I started vocalizing during contractions. We both knew this was the real thing. I was having intense back pain on both sides of my lower back and my husband kept heating up our heating pack in the microwave for me and rubbing my back. I called my midwife and she said I should come in to be checked. I said I was doing okay at home for now. So, we made a plan for me to come in at 9:30.

So I labored at home until then with contractions every 2min apart. I threw up and had more diarrhea. I remember wishing I could shower and brush my teeth but didn't think I could focus to do those things. Even though my back pain was bad, I remember thinking "Wow, I hope this is all there is to it. I can totally DO this!"

We drove to the midwife's office (next to hospital). I was 7cm and baby was engaged. I was so excited to hear that! We walked across the street to the hospital. I had to stop twice for contractions, but otherwise, the walk felt good.

I sat on a birthing ball as soon as we got to the hospital room, answered the admit questions between contractions. I kept asking my husband to rub my back and complaining about the back pain. The midwife offered sterile water injections and I accepted. She said they hurt like hell and she wasn't kidding. I yelled with each injection. It definitely didn't take the pain away but I think it took an edge off for about 45minutes. I then agreed to get in the tub. The tub was only okay. The water wasn't warm enough to touch the back pain and it was a standard sized tub -- not a full sized birthing tub. But it was as good a place as any available.

I labored for a while resting between contractions with my midwife sitting there and my husband holding my hand. Around 11am I started having contractions that I had trouble handling -- they made me feel panicky. I was feeling intense rectal pressure with them but the back pain was far worse than any other feeling. After about 5 of these I got out of the tub and sat on the toilet at my midwife's advice. She checked my cervix and I was 10 cm. Here's where it went downhill....

She said I could start pushing at any time. I felt no urge to push. But I pushed a little bit on the toilet and the pain in my back and the pressure in my rectum just blew my mind. I felt like I was being gutted. She said "I expect pushing to take anywhere from 2-4 hours." And I became totally disoriented and devastated. I asked about an epidural or pain meds and she explained why they wouldn't be appropriate (I already knew the answers). She asked if I wanted my water broken and I had no idea what I wanted at that time. She broke it.

She said to push again and I tried but I wasn't really pushing very much because of how painful it was. The back pain wasn't stopping even between contractions. She did more sterile water injections and I screamed again. I don't know if it helped at all or not. Still had horrible back pain. I finally said "I need a minute. I need to rest a minute." They said okay.

They had set up the bed for me to get in knee chest position so I did that for a while. I was still felt utterly desperate to get out of the situation. I felt like I could NOT continue it and I wouldn't be able to continue pushing past the pain. At one point someone (the nurse or the midwife) rubbed my hips and lower back with massage oil VERY FIRMLY and it felt so amazing. I think that's what made me feel like I could crawl back out of the hole.

They set up the squat bar for me. I started giving some effort. Also utterly excruciating. I would have had a c-section right then and there had they offered it. I was starting to get angry with myself and the situation. I started really pushing. Then they got me on my back (not any worse than any other position for me) with people holding my legs and I was pushing then. I pushed so hard. I didn't think anything coherant this entire time until someone said "Baby has hair!" and I said "She does? Really?" I remember thinking "Where the f*** is the baby nurse and delivery tray?!" and they finally arrived. The baby nurse stood near me and was very encouraging. I felt like I had lost absolutely all dignity and was just sobbing and completely wrecked by the pain and fear. I couldn't bring myself to let me legs go far enough apart and my midwife told me that if I could give two good pushes with my legs way up to my ears that I could have the baby. I felt like she had just suggested that I have a c-section without anesthesia -- I was so horrified by that suggestion. I did it and baby was born. Healthy and only a 1st degree tear at 12:30pm.

While I felt immense relief and happiness to see her, I never felt my "birth high," I felt like I'd lost all sense of hope and reason and barely survived (mentally). I was just so shaken by the amount of pain in the last 1 1/2 (felt like 20 hours). I was very "fuzzy headed" and I remember that I was talking to the baby and enjoying her but wasn't very "on top of things" -- I let her get too cold (which I knew better!) by not keeping her wrapped up enough. I also let the nurse try to latch her on for a while (holding my boob and her head and trying to mash the two together and the right time while she was screaming). Which, retrospectively is totally ridiculous because I am a post-partum nurse! I know how to latch a baby on! I was just soooo dazed and kindof feeling like a failure all around.

Also, not the end of the world but ANNOYING, I let them take her to the nursery after about 3 hours to get a hearing screen (because we wanted to leave that afternoon) and the nurse asked about a bath. I said "Oh, I'll just give her a bath at home and you can just bring her back as soon as she's finished with the test." My husband and I both fell asleep and woke up over an hour later -- he went to get her. She was totally bathed! It didn't really register with me until I got home and kept smelling her head -- baby soap. Argh!

Am I a total wimp? Why did I lose it so completely right before pushing? Why no birth high? Why no adrenaline rush so that I was alert and together for my baby in the first few hours of her life? I FELT like I had been drugged (I hadn't..I didn't even have an IV).

BTW, it was the hospital I work at as a nurse. Apparently, the story there is that I had an AMAZING, perfect, powerful birth. It was just picture perfect and totally what I deserved for all my hard work and planning, they say. My husband says he felt like it went totally smoothly too. I just never expected to feel so shaken up and traumatized. ESPECIALLY given the fact that things went remarkably well (clinically speaking). I thought I would be ON TOP OF THE WORLD.

Anyway, sorry about the length and sorry to you mamas who really did have terrible birth experiences. I don't know what's wrong with me -- I should feel grateful about it. I just need to process some more and get my head around it.
 
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#27 ·
Quote:
I held him right away and I just felt so detached, not just from him, but from myself and everything else.
Exactly what I felt after the birth. Like...what the @$%& just happened? I felt very doped up and like I was dreamiing. I felt sad for a while after (still do sometimes) wishing I was still pregnant and have a do-over of her birth, so I could at least REMEMBER it. (we didn't have any pics or video of the birth either, so that really sucked..)
 
#28 ·
I know this is going to sound silly, but thank you for your post. I am going into pregnancy with so many high-minded intentions and in a very very supportive environment, but there is this nagging part of me that fears the judgment of others if there is anything other than a "perfect natural birth". This is my first post on mothering because of that anxiety. I have read tons, but since I am not positive I will be that strong, natural woman I envision or others claim to be that I will be letting myself and others down.

Your post reminds me that there are so many births out there and the ideals put forth by the community are just that - ideals - and so every birth is different and perfect in its own way. Thank you.
 
#29 ·
Just wanted to say that I totally agree. I had a textbook perfect delivery
that left me traumatized. For me it's not about missing the "birth high" or unmet expectations (oh, please), it's about hours of sheer unending pain that stripped me of my previous innocence about the world being a good place. I remember feeling terrified because if childbirth could feel so tortuous, then perhaps death was also like that, and then, I couldn't even die to escape the pain.

Even now, almost a year afterwards, it's still really hard to deal with.
 
#30 ·
Wow, I was coming here to post about exactly the same thing. I could have practically written your story, with a few minor differences. No advice or help, just wanted to let you know you're not alone.
I'm having a hard time with people saying, "wow, a drug-free birth and a ten-pound baby!" but they don't get it-- if I could do it all over again, I'd get the d*** epidural! It wouldn't have changed some things in our situation (shoulder dystocia and a lot of tearing) but maybe I would be able to look back on the labor and birth without cringing from both the memory of the pain, and of my reaction to it.
 
#31 ·
Oh yeah this thread is amazing! I totally went through the traumatized after a natural birth. I guess I had back-labour and after saying no like 50 times I had some pain-relief so after 33 hrs of agony(bout 20 hrs spent in my home) I had an hour of feeling no physical pain but mentally I was destroyed, sooo depressed on that stuff, then 2 more hours of forced excrutiating pushing and baby was born, I was too wiped to even deal with her for several minutes
:and quite bad tears.Interesting that Liontigerbear says this posterior position can be helped during labour and nothing is done, I'd never thought about it like that, they wanted the drugs down me badly to shut me up for sure.Only then was I aware for the 1st time of other women in labour in adjacent rooms moaning quite quietly
Processing the event was hard too and people seemed so uninterested in my feelings, the PND got bad and lasted a year. I uc'ed twice after that. So mama's so sorry for all the crap experiences we've had to endure, the pain that does feel like you're being ripped apart, the feeling that somehow we've failed or something, the lack of concern or interest in our real and valid feelings. OP I'm so sorry you have been left to deal with the trauma of your birth situation and everyone else is too ignorant to see how you really feel
I know that when I uc'ed and took back the dignity robbed from me that I didn't suffer at all and labours were much shorter but still damn back painful, as LTB said the people around us expect us to suffer in labour and that is so true and wierd n horrible.I really hope you feel better soon.
 
#32 ·
Birth is hard, painful, and even in the best of circumstances can leave someone feeling quite shell-shocked.

I do NOT understand how some women describe pushing as feeling 'good' or being able to 'work with the pain'. I hate it. I dread it. I'd rather do transition 3x's than the pushing part. The pressure. Oh.my.gosh.

The only thing that gets me through the worst of it is that I know it doesn't last long. In that moment, I just think to myself, "The longer I resist this, the longer I fight it, the longer it'll last."

I hope you are able to feel better about it soon.
 
#33 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by LilacMama View Post
I want to preface this by saying that I am very aware that other women have had truly long, difficult births, often resulting in vacuums/forceps/c-sections and other things that have been far more difficult to process than my birth. I feel guilty for posting my "easy" birth story, but I also wanted sort through some of my negative feelings about my birth.

Anyway, sorry about the length and sorry to you mamas who really did have terrible birth experiences. I don't know what's wrong with me -- I should feel grateful about it. I just need to process some more and get my head around it.

Thanks for this post, I don't feel so alone in this... I'm a bit on the flip side as I did have that high and love my natural births, but I did feel a bit traumatized by a rude nurse and having to be hooked to the moniters and IVs. I know these are minor things, but they affected me greatly emotionally. I wrote about it in my blog...everyone makes me feel like I'm overreacting for being upset over this, I did have a great birth, just not in my mind. Birth is such a spiritual, emotional, unexplainable process, every women goes within herself to allow her body to do what it needs, and all the rationalizing in the world can't change how a women feels while giving birth or after.
 
#34 ·
I have not read through all the posts, but wanted to post quickly.

I know where you are coming from. I'll spare you my story (glad so many have shared so far!), but I'd like to share some resources that may be helpful to you as you process your birth experience.

The first is an article from La Leche League International about feelings after birth. One quote towards the end: Every woman has her own set of ideas and hopes about what her pregnancy and birth experience will be like. To the extent that yours was different from what you expected, you may be more likely to have a postpartum reaction.
(Dunnewold, A. and Sanford, G. Postpartum Survival Guide. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Productions, 1994.. )

The article is well-written and well-worth the read. (link)

Next, Ina May Gaskin and Attachment Parenting International team up this month for a teleseminar about making choices for birth and also how to accept birth when things go differently than planned. Here's a link to learn more.

I know you have a lot of support here and you deserve it!
 
#35 ·
I honestly never heard of the birth high. And I have had a lot of babies.

I am very upset that they gave the bath without permission. But beyond that, it sounds like you really expected too much. I hate to say, it is hard, it sounds like you expected something that, well, I never heard of. I know I felt great after the baby was out, but not during, definitely not during pushing.

((((hugs))))) I think you need some time to heal. Whether your expectations were unreasonable or not, they were still your expectations and it can hurt to lose that.
 
#36 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Lisa1970 View Post
I honestly never heard of the birth high. And I have had a lot of babies.

I am very upset that they gave the bath without permission. But beyond that, it sounds like you really expected too much. I hate to say, it is hard, it sounds like you expected something that, well, I never heard of. I know I felt great after the baby was out, but not during, definitely not during pushing.

((((hugs))))) I think you need some time to heal. Whether your expectations were unreasonable or not, they were still your expectations and it can hurt to lose that.
WOW... I don't want to start a big argument or anything, but, WOW, I can't help but think that what you wrote is pretty darn offensive! You seem to have said, if I may paraphrase "because I never heard of this, I think you expected too much"
WOW.... that is pretty indifferent to this OP's feelings and expressions of what happened to her!
I have felt the "birth high" and also NOT felt it. I've had 4 babies. Two in the hospital and two at home. Oddly enough, I had the biggest endorphin rush with my second hospital birth, even though, overall, I MUCH preferred my homebirths. Both homebirths were straightforward and uncomplicated and no midwife (UC). My last homebirth and last baby was almost "boring". It was less than 5 hours of active labor, easy pushing, squatting in the tub, no attendants, not too much bleeding, easy placenta delivery, etc.
It was so "normal" that I was almost a bit let down that there wasn't, oh, more drama? to it. Absolutely NO story to tell... other than "had a baby".
My expectations were a little different than what I experienced with EVERY baby. This can be cause to revisit the issue mentally over and over and feel frustrated with certain events or feelings. It's TOTALLY NORMAL! And talking about it is the best way to find ways to deal with it, heal from it and move on!
hth a little - Jen
 
#37 ·
OP, I am so glad you shared your feelings. I identified so much with what you wrote. I just gave birth several days ago to my 3rd child. It was by far the most traumatizing birth for me and sadly, I did not brace myself for it, b/c I had two previous births that were OK (not great, but I was happy enough with them). This time, I had prodromal labor for over 2.5 wks, I was upset to find out that my ob who birthed my other two children was on vacation during my, "window" of time and I was going to end up with an OB who was big on medical intervention. In addiition, this was the first time I experienced back labor. I had a natural birth with DS2 (epidural with DS1), so thought that since I had done it before, I could do it again. Wrong, the back labor had me acting like a total crazy person, I could tell by my DH's reaction that he just didn't know what to do to help me feel better, I was all over the place and acting really pitiful. By the time it was time to push, I felt totally trapped. I was already exhausted, and in so much pain, the thought that I still had to do the pushing part was overwhelming. Luckily, it went quickly, but I ended up with a much larger baby this time than my other two and an episiotomy as well (had episiotomy with other two, but this one definitely hurts more).

After I had my baby, I was still in this horrible state of fear. My eyes were still closed and I was still screaming and crying. The nurse had to, "call" me back to remind me that it was all over and my baby was out and healthy. I am very upset with how the birth of my 3rd child went, even though by most stds, it would be considered a successful, "natural" birth. It was like a nightmare to me and different from my natural birth for DS2, which is what I was expecting it to be more like. It sounds awful, but on my DDC, I described my birth exp as, "sucky." That is the nicest way I could put it. I am an advocate of natural birth, but omg, this last exp, with the combo of the bad back labor and a larger than expected baby... yeah a c-section would have sounded really good to me had I known what I was in for and I am not ashamed to admit that I would have gone for that option had I known what I know now. {{{HUGS}}} You are not alone in the way that you feel and you have every right to be upset that your birth did not end up the way you thought it would be. I'm really upset about mine as well, even though to others it appears to be a, "good" birth.
 
#38 ·
I don't post a whole lot here, but wanted to thank you for your honest post. I too remember reeling after my natural "perfect" hospital birth. I too had back labor and felt completely out of control in the last 2 hours...not at all what I thought I would feel. I kept asking my MW (when I was coherent) "am I doing this right??" because I couldn't fathom that this was the was the way it was supposed to feel. I couldn't walk or bounce on a ball during labor. I ASKED for a wheelchair when we got to the hospital. I was so embarrassed about this. And when my MW arrived, she was irate seeing me in the wheelchair and was like, "Why did they make you get in a wheelchair? This is so typical!" Bless her, I know what she meant, but I then felt rather weak because I had actually wanted one...and then I also felt insecure about my ability to actually do it at all, that kind of carried through the rest of my labor. I know it's a small thing, but still...
 
#39 ·
I've had 5 completely and uterly different births. Some were terrible and others werent so bad, though I've never had a birth high and none have been *perfect.* My first was terrible, though I was induced, stuck flat on my back, and had a 3 hour long, non-stop contraction. I was rather scared to have another one after that and I still to this day hate the way his birth went. It was so NOT what I had envisioned.

Same with the next one, it was better, but still nothing like I had wanted and I was very sad. It again was very painful and wasnt empowering at all.

With the 3rd, my labor was insanely easy. I was like wow, this is totally going to be a perfect birth! Woo! It got hard right at the end, for all of 15 minutes, and even in that little bit of time, I sort of lost it. I felt silly. Then I hemorrhaged and well....there went that!

The 4th was a fast, hard labor, again totally different. I was totally on top of things though, until the midwives hadnt gotten there, I wanted to push, and my now ex was saying "OMG DONT PUSH!!!" That made me panic, totally lose focus, and the rest of the birth was craptastic.

My 5th doesnt really count since I had HELLP and a cesarean at 33 weeks. But needless to say, it sucked too.

The point behind this is that yes, birth can suck and you dont have to be happy with the way it went, even if everyone else sees it as being totally awsome. You had expectations that werent met, you had a lot of pain you didnt expect, and it just plain wasnt what you were planning. But, you did it! You had a baby! You might've lost it, you might feel unaccomplished, but you most certainly did accomplish something great. Its hard work to birth and you did it
Good job mama!
 
#40 ·
 
#41 ·
So here I am in the middle of the night. I haven't lurked around MDC in the middle of the night in years and what a gem to stumble across! I haven't read replies, though I will. My third birth was absolutely amazing to everybody but me. I feel bad, sometimes ackward, talking about it and I've yet to meet anyone who really means it when they say "yeah, I get it". Lots of people say they do, but I can tell they are still thinking "really? That wasn't so bad". It really upsets me. My third birth was my first homebirth. I had an extremely precipitious birth, one that I ever saw coming months in advance. Nothing could have prepared me mentally though for a 1 hr 10 minute labor, thirty solid minutes of which was mind-numbing full on contraction action. It was truly unbearable and I really really had to work through that. It went so incredibly fast that I didn't realize it was over. For three days afterward if I wasn't in the same room as the baby I forgot that I gave birth. It was just too fast.

To hear my story from the outside though, people hear this: Home waterbirth, candlelit room, surrounded by family, fast and straightforward birth, no tears, big healthy baby. That's not my perspective. My perspective is my reality just as everyone's perspective is their reality. My reality is that my birth was not great, it was very traumatic for me. People often agree that my postpartum time was bad (stomache flu runs through family and my mom moves out all in under 7 days of giving birth not to mention I almost never got to hold the baby for the first 9 days) but they think my birth was just super awesome. Everyone acts jealous of my fast labor and smooth birth. I'm not jealous and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. It was truly just too much too fast. I just can't get anyone else on board with that, they all think it was so perfect.

So I thank you for this thread. Heck, this forum (Healing Birth Trauma) I'm thankful for; it wasn't around when I was a regular here. I look forward to reading the replies in this thread. I'm so glad I stumbled on this. I know it is kind of old but I see a couple of more recent replies, so I don't feel too bad for replying
I will be back, for sure. Thankyou, again. It really is nice to have that "I'm not alone!" feeling.
 
#42 ·
OP- I TOTALLY get it.

My first birth was truthfully almost painless. Even though I hemmorhaged, I spent the next two years singing the praises of NCB. I thought I was prepared for #2.

Nothing about ds2's birth went as planned, except I was able to deliver him w/o intervention. PAIN! I allowed AROM to start labor, but I was only 50% effaced. After 11 hours of a sharp stabbing pain behind my pubic bone, it started wrapping around my back, and shooting dwn my legs. I had no sensation of contracting. None. I wasn't even sure I was n labor until I puked.

All I remember was being on myknees, hugging the back of the bed, and sobbing. I was thinking, "I am NEVER doing this again!" and "I better get my girl out of this!". I whimpered and moaned, and cried.

It was so entirely different than my frst birth. I had no control. I had no idea where in labor I was. I had no urge to push. FOr months afterwards, I only thought of my birth in terms of things being done TO me, not something I had accmplished.

and yet. . .I felt so good physically afterwards. Thw Mw's the nurses, everyone kept saying how strong I was, how wonderfully i was doing, and in my head I was saying, 'bull---t', I 'm a wuss, and I just wished that my baby would just go away so ths would be over.'


Now, I have no illusions left.

But you did accomplish something. You GAVE birth. at some point, this will feel like truth to you. I hope it happens soon.
 
#43 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by LilacMama View Post
I want to preface this by saying that I am very aware that other women have had truly long, difficult births, often resulting in vacuums/forceps/c-sections and other things that have been far more difficult to process than my birth. I feel guilty for posting my "easy" birth story, but I also wanted sort through some of my negative feelings about my birth.
Wow, reading these posts has been so moving. I didn't know other women felt like this-- I have felt so wimpy and foolish for feeling the way I do about my birth, but now I feel almost validated.

I gave birth to my first baby just 3 weeks ago. She really is my pride and joy but I have such mixed feelings about childbirth... I have always been determined to have 4 or more children and I still want them, but when I think about giving birth again I feel almost terrified, almost sick, and I truly don't know if I can face it again.

I had been heavily pregnant all through the hot weather, and by 39 weeks I was losing my veneer of cheerfulness I'd kept up fairly well throughout the pregnancy. One Sunday morning, I went to church as usual but halfway through the service asked DH to take me home (something I never do!). He did, and stayed home with me, which was sweet (he could have easily gone back as we live 5 min. away from the church). I holed up in our bedroom the rest of that day. DH said I was "like a cat in the bathroom," which was both offensive and bewildering to me until he explained that his family's cats always slunk to the bathroom and brooded there before having kittens, lol.

However, that night I was feeling a bit better, and so we got a bit romantic. We'd been told by the midwife that it can bring on labor... and maybe it did the trick, because shortly afterwards, at about half-past midnight, I felt a sharp pain that kind of took my breath away and a small amount of fluid gushed out. I thought, Has my water broken? Is this it? I told DH what had happened, and then when I started having contractions both of us got a bit excited and scared, and we headed off to the hospital. I still didn't know if it was real labor or not--it hurt pretty badly, but what threw me off was how close the contractions were! I thought real labor started out with 10-15 minute intervals between contractions that began somewhat mildly. I had been instructed to wait until they were five minutes apart before coming in. Mine were 2-3 minutes, if that, so I thought maybe it was some really strong Braxton Hicks that would vanish any second. Called my mother on the way, and she seemed to think it was real labor. By the time we got to the hospital, I knew it was. The pain was becoming almost too intense to speak, but I wanted to be calm and so I made myself stand (horrible) at the counter answering inane hospital questions and then sit (horrible) in the waiting area filling out paperwork. My sweet husband took the clipboard away from me, thank goodness, and did it for us. I, meanwhile, could barely find the wherewithal to get out my hair tie and bobby pins to pull back my hair.

Next, I was told to give a urine sample. I took the cup and wobbled to the bathroom, but while I was in there I guess my water really did break, or finished breaking, and I was so surprised I just came right back out without a sample and apologized to the nurses, still feeling like I had to stay calm and be polite. They laughed and sent me to triage, where a cheerful nurse overlooked what was becoming agony and told me my water had definitely broken and that I was definitely in labor!
:

From there, things progressed quickly. But all I knew was that I was in pain I couldn't handle. Oh, I dealt with it for a little while, but I was not anywhere close to in control. I was like a child, pleading with the nurse for the tub, frightened of the pain but frightened of an epidural, miserably wondering why the midwife just walked in and walked out, and wondering but trying not to think about how long labor might go on and how much more painful it might get. It only took about 20-30 min, I guess, to get so far past my inhibitions that the pain had me screaming with each contraction-- hoarse, whinnying, muffled screams that eventually gave way to louder and louder ones. I was so scared of the pain. Not of giving birth, or complications, but of the pain itself. I began to think, How can I endure this for the whole labor? How can I? I was starting to push with contractions, which helped a tiny tiny bit, but I asked my husband if I could have an epidural, and he (looking sort of pitying and shocked blended together) told me whatever I wanted was fine with him. The nurse told me she thought I could keep going naturally, but I was past the point of considering it. She made me lie down on the bed (excruciating) and began to insert the IV (I had previously requested not to have it inserted at all unless necessary). When she told me they'd have to run a bag of fluids before the epidural, I thought I could not bear such bad news. Between contractions I felt so completely undone just knowing another one was coming. At this point, I was 8 cm dilated "with some cervix left." Before the nurse had the bag of fluids for my IV, I felt a new, awful pain and knew the baby was coming. I screamed this to the nurse, feeling even more scared, and although at first she did not believe me, she examined me and called for the midwife and held my hand and told me to push with the next contraction. It was all so unreal. I couldn't do anything but scream with the contractions-- no breathing, no concentrating, no awareness exercises or anything that I had practiced. I could feel that although I pushed as best I could, the baby kept moving back up the birth canal. It was so awful. Eventually she crowned, which was even worse, and I tore both perineally (which hurt badly) and in the labia (which was the worst part of all-- and I thought the midwife was doing it to me on purpose, so I screamed, "You're hurting me! You're tearing me!" I felt a little mentally reassured when she soothingly told me that I was tearing up top but that it happens sometimes, but the pain was so bad. Finally the baby's head came out, but then the shoulders hurt so badly after that. When she was actually out there was not a remarkable decrease in the pain until they laid her on me. I felt shocked. I couldn't believe it was over. I was so relieved... until the midwife began stitching me up. I felt traumatized by that. What had been damaged? Would I still be able to have sex and live a normal life? No one had told me about labia tears, and I didn't know what was going on with it, you know? It seemed like such a vulnerable place to tear. I wanted her to stop-- I was desperate for her to stop, but I felt like I couldn't say that, of course. But my baby did seem like such a miracle to me. I couldn't believe that she was the product of all of those months and of all of that pain. I couldn't believe the pain was over. I couldn't believe I had survived it, and if I had not found this thread I would probably have never admitted that.

I have not told anyone all of this, not even my mother, who is my best friend. I have joked about them and laughed at myself for having nightmares about childbirth. I have commented on how lucky I was that my whole labor and delivery took less than four hours, and that I had a baby that only weighed 7 and a half pounds. I've made fun of myself for getting credit for a natural childbirth when I did ask for an epidural. I have only tentatively suggested that such speedy labor and delivery might have its own difficulties, and given respect (almost reverence) to women who've had long and arduous labor. But underneath it all, I've wondered what was wrong with me. Why do other women who went through long labor and delivered large babies look back on it with aplomb while I, who sincerely desire more children, literally may never have another because I can't face childbirth? Only since reading these posts do I start to feel validated. And I still don't, really. I'm sorry this is so long, but if anyone has any feedback to offer I would appreciate it.
 
#44 ·
jonskatharine712, I feel a lot of the things you posted. I also had a fast labor of a smaller baby and the pain was beyond unbearable. My initial reaction, though, was perhaps opposite to yours: I kept thinking that it couldn't have been real and that I had to go through it again and that this time I would "do it right" and finally have a wonderful birth with beautiful memories to override the first one.

It took me over a year to let go of that thought. The only thing I could finally hold onto was that my birthing experience had been not unlike myself. I tend to go through difficult things as fast as possible, and try to push through things until it's done. Funnily enough, that was exactly how I birthed.

Once I was able to find a small handle to connect me to my birthing experience I was finally able to see that that's birth for me. I've stopped expecting or hoping to have a better experience next time. I don't know when I will be ready to face birth again, but now I just see it as a mighty opponent. It's waiting for me, ready to defy again my previous ideas of what it means to live, to be born, to die or to be in pain.
 
#45 ·
My first birth was totally traumatic and ended in an emergency c-section...processing it all afterwards I feel that the main trauma was due to being made to feel like a piece of meat. Among other things, I was told to relax and open my legs further whilst having something that resembled a crochet hook pushed through my completely closed cervix (I hadn't had a single contraction) in order to break my waters, all while I was bawling my eyes out in pain and total humiliation. I guess I felt totally uncared for, it didn't matter how I felt about things, I just had to go along with it...I felt totally humiliated, degraded, stripped of all dignity, and for me that was what caused most of the emotional trauma (apart from the fact that my son was in distress because of all the interventions they did). But yeah, I think the lack of control, and the lack of being treated with dignity, the same as I would feel if there were people wandering in and out and I got told to put my legs up by my ears and push (like the OP), and I didn't feel like I had a choice, then that is what would really traumatize me.

With my 2nd child I had an HBAC, and it was a totally healing experience. My midwife was great, she was encouraging, she asked me if I would like her to examine me, rather than telling me I *had* to have such and such done...she let me give birth in any position I wanted (I actually ended up giving birth on my knees at the foot of the stairs). She wasn't intrusive in any way whatsoever, and I totally felt like all my decisions were truly informed ones, and totally supported by my dh and midwife. Afterwards, I felt fantastic, like the old emotional scars had healed, and like I'd had my dignity restored. And I realised that birth can be an awful lot more dignified than I'd been allowed during my first birth.

My third baby is due in 10 weeks, and I have the same midwife booked again...I really believe that the attitudes of caregivers can be very important in how a person feels about their birthing experience in the months/years after the birth, even if the birth looks perfectly textbook on the outside.
 
#46 ·
jonskatherine712- You are so strong! I admire you for saying what you think. And I agree that your short labor was probably more traumatic than either of mine.


I remember our Bradley Instructor telling us that Women typically work VERY hard during very short labors, and that longer labors can actually be easier.
 
#47 ·
I could have written your post. I completely panicked when I started to push. Luckily I had my mom there. She ran to my side as I lay there panicked and crying and I burried my face in her bossom and cried "Help me mommy!". She told me I was going to be ok and that I just needed to concentrate and was so loving. If she hadn't been there I don't know what would of happened. The nurses and the doctor weren't helpful. As it turns out, I only pushed for 15 minutes or so, but it would have taken a lot longer if my mom hadn't helped me pull myself together. You are a very brave mama. Short labors are traumatizing!
 
#48 ·
I totally understand where you are coming from. My first 2 births were with an epidural and were completely wonderful. My 3rd was unmedicated because I didn't ask for an epidural in time. It was just like you described your birth. I was completely unprepared for how painful and exhausting "natural" childbirth is. I think it must have been my expectation that it would be easy since it was my 3rd child that really got to me. I just remember pushing and thinking, "I can't believe women do this without pain meds." It felt so WRONG! I didn't think I was going to make it. I felt like screaming "somebody do something, I'm dying here!"

Later, the nurse that helped with my delivery mentioned that I had an awesome delivery. What?! I didn't think it was awsome. People ask me if I'm glad I did it unmedicated. NO, I am not. It was much better with the epidural and I recovered faster because I wasn't so exhausted by the pain. I enjoyed my childbirth experience so much more the first 2 times and was much more coherent to take care of my new baby.

I am still upset about it and now that I'm pregnant with my 4th child, I'm scared. I'm scared it will happen to fast and I won't be able to get an epidural or the anesthisiologist (sp?) will be too busy to get to me in time or the epi won't work.

Nothing horrible happened during the birth, it just hurt ALOT and I don't want to do it like that again.

I'm so glad I found this forum with other women who didn't find the classic, natural childbirth experience wonderful! I don't feel so odd.
 
#49 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by MamaTaraX View Post

So I thank you for this thread. Heck, this forum (Healing Birth Trauma) I'm thankful for; it wasn't around when I was a regular here. I look forward to reading the replies in this thread. I'm so glad I stumbled on this. I know it is kind of old but I see a couple of more recent replies, so I don't feel too bad for replying
I will be back, for sure. Thankyou, again. It really is nice to have that "I'm not alone!" feeling.
It is my understanding that labors less than 4 hrs long are often extremely traumatic, and many women have difficulty processing that much movement that fast.(I think it also freaks hospital staffs!) My first was born in 4 hrs and although I had a "textbook birth" in a hospital, it still left me shell-shocked.Remember that NO ONE ELSE can feel what you are feeling at this time. Each birth, is also unique to each lady, so a traumatic birth(especially a first) may be very calm and slowmoving the next time..each one is different(my 2nd was born in 3 hrs, but the third took 11 hrs- that wore me out the most!) Each birth is different. I hope your next one will be more relaxing and smooth. And I think intense people might feel pain more acutely, do you think? I wonder if that has anything to do with what you might have been feeling....hope your next birth is smoother/slower...and pain free!
 
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