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I just wanted to share that I think I'm coming to a good place with this whole thing. After much research and thought, I realize that we probably did need to deliver the boys early, or we would have risked losing one or both of them. And while I hate the way the doctors talked to me about it, and while I hate to admit it, I am starting to feel like we probably did what was best given our limited options. And while we could have at least tried a vaginal birth, I also know that an induction at 35 weeks when my body was clearly not ready to let go of those babes would almost definitely ended in a c-section anyway.
And I am starting to be able to think of the NICU and the ventilators and everything as saving my babies and keeping them alive, instead of stealing my babies away from me.
I will always, always carry the scars from the surgery and from the fear and separation from my babies. It was the worst thing imaginable to be separated from them for so long, and to see them so sick and tiny and helpless. I will never forget it as long as I live. And while I wouldn't say that I am okay with how it all went down, I am starting to be able to accept that I don't really believe it could have gone better, although I know it could have gone worse.
And although it doesn't erase what happened, it really and truly is a joy to see them happy and healthy (and driving me crazy!) now.
So I guess that's it. I don't mean to brag at all, or anything like that. I just wanted to share that although I'm not quite there yet, I think I'm close to some sort of peace. I'm really thankful for all of the support that I've had; it really does make a big difference.
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