I thought I was over it - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 7 Old 02-22-2009, 04:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
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This week has been really stressful for me. I went out of the sanctuary of our church and cried in the bathroom during the baby dedication for a friend who was sectioned for a breech baby. The BF bill changes are bugging me, and I don't feel effective at making a change, and I had a friend who has a C/S following an induction three weeks before Elisabeth, and her second baby, same thing. She wanted a VBAC, but I wish I'd not been scared to talk to her and say, it can be better. I feel a little guilty, I think she knew she could have talked to me. I said a long time ago that we'd have a homebirth the next time, and she said, "I couldn't do that--all the complications that our DD had!" And I thought, Yeah, and those complications were iatrogenic because you induced and the whole yards of being at the hospital. Of course you had complications!

But I am afraid to say anything because I'm not good at saying things so people can hear them when I get really, not just wound up or excited, but well, I guess when I am super-passionate. Which is one reason I'm afraid I can't make a difference regarding the BF bill. I'm afraid I won't be heard because of how I sound. I did loan her The Thinking Woman's Guide to Childbirth, but I didn't get it to her until a couple weeks ago, which I feel bad about too!

And I haven't dealt with the anger and disappointment from my DD's birth. I thought I was pretty okay, and I talked to Jody, the gal who publishes The Compleat Mother Magazine and just mentioned how they wouldn't let me push until the dr. was there, and her heartrate was dropping, and then they had to take her for four hours, and she said, "You should complain to your doctor for the danger they put your baby in, and that's terrible." And I haven't had anyone say that to me, well on MDC, that was my first thread, but a IRL person is different, I haven't met her! And I just started bawling--someone understood and agreed with me--not even my DH or my mom understood, they've both been kinda 'get over it, she's okay, it wasn't a big deal.' Well, DH isn't get over it, but he doesn't talk about things, and didn't know that babies come out purple, so he was scared when the nurses acted scared. My mom feels like I'm attacking her when I sound angry talking about what hospitals do to women. It's hard to acknowledge in some ways that I am still angry about DD's birth.

I just feel like crying. I am seeing a counselor for issues with my mom, so I should talk to her this week and process this other stuff.

I've got a question, which I'll post but want to throw out here, too.
If you had a successful/satisfying/good, etc. birth following a traumatic birth, did you deal with grief at the time of the birth? When did it hit you, if it did?

I can imagine myself having a homebirth and crying and being happy that I got to catch my baby, but I can see myself holding this baby and crying because I missed that with DD. I mean, just thinking about makes me cry. Seeing the African-American mama in the birth pool holding her own baby in the BOBB made me cry. I didn't get to do that with DD. I miss that. There's no way to go back and redo it. And that's really hard for me. That was stolen from me, by the doctor, the nurses, the hospital policy/atmosphere, etc. I feel like no one understands I'm missing something enormously precious.

So what was it like, having a good or better birth? Did you grieve?

I need some hugs and reassurance. Thanks for reading.

Mama to 2 year old and :: June 14th!
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#2 of 7 Old 02-22-2009, 09:43 PM
 
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I'm so sorry

I still get caught off guard too. Simple stuff will have me crying in a heap on the floor with the enormity of the realisation that I can never fix what was done to me and DD. I can never get back what was taken from us. I was tidying up our study the other day and came across a pregnancy book that fell open to a photo I'd looked at a lot during pregnancy. It was of a woman giving birth at home squatting between her partners knees as he sat on the bed behind her and supported her. That was how I'd visualised my birth all the way through. Seeing it again, even over a year later, was like a punch in the stomach. I was literally winded and fell to the floor. I can never give a peaceful birth like that to DD. She will have to live the rest of her life with the burden of the awful birth we ended up with. And I'm missing something for myself too. I don't feel like a proper mother because I failed the very first test of motherhood. (I don't judge anyone else like that, so I don't know why I'm so harsh on myself, but that's how I feel). I fell at the first hurdle, and now it's all just damage control.

I can't reassure you about having a better birth, because I'm still far too terrified to even contemplate getting pregnant again, but I know there are some mamas on here who have managed to have healing births after very traumatic ones. I just couldn't read your post without giving you a

Lisa - mama to Eleanor Rose 01/08 and Saoirse Lily 09/10
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#3 of 7 Old 02-23-2009, 08:05 AM
 
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I understand exactly what you mean. I don't honestly want to have another baby, even if it means I can have the birth I wanted with my DD. I know even then I wouldn't be satisfied because it still wouldn't change the fact that that isn't what she had. I'll carry that with me forever.

I will say it has opened my eyes to just how strong I need to be for her, to stand up for her rights until she can do it for herself.
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#4 of 7 Old 07-02-2009, 12:42 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I posted something similar to this on Solace for Mothers, and someone suggested being sure I had DD at my next birth.

So I talked to DH, I was really nervous that he wouldn't agree, but he was okay with it, and my MIL to whom DD is really attached, came so DD had a great support person, and she was there, I watched homebirth videos with her on YouTube and explained that mama would be working ahrd to get the baby out and would make noise and etc. etc., and it was wonderful.

I was so delighted to have my baby, and it was wonderful to catch her myself. I felt her head as she came down, and supported my perineum, so no tearing. She was asynclitic and had a bruise on her forehead, and I had an anterior lip, so felt pushy for an hour before we realized it, (I only pushed twice w/DD1), but it was just so much better being at home (and in the water)!

DD1 was there, was a little upset by my moaning, but I told her mama was okay and was working hard to get the baby out, and she was okay.

So she got to see her right away, and didn't snuggle her, but she saw Daddy cut the cord, and started calling her my baby right away. So, she got to see how birth should be. I just tear up when I think about how wonderful it was, and we did it. It took my DH a year and a half to agree to a homebirth, so I am very thankful. He was awesome, talking to me thru ctx and holding my hand.

It was a dream birth!

Mama to 2 year old and :: June 14th!
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#5 of 7 Old 07-02-2009, 03:31 PM
 
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Fantastic! I"m so happy for you that you got to have a healing birth, and that your DD got to witness and be part of it too. Welcome to your new LO! And congratulations! :

Lisa - mama to Eleanor Rose 01/08 and Saoirse Lily 09/10
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#6 of 7 Old 07-02-2009, 04:12 PM
 
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Super congratulations!!! Very happy for you!!!!!!

**********
Addressing the issue at hand from your OP in February.....

Both of my births were highly medicalized. I had pre-e w/DS and HBP issues and GD w/ DD. I started reading a lot here on MDC and was becoming depressed b/c I didn't and would probably never be able to have a beautiful peaceful homebirth w/ a midwife b/c of my history. Then I regrouped and thought things through and decided that I was at complete peace w/ DD birth. I just don't see how her birth could have been any better given my situation. She will be 1 in 3 weeks.

DS will be 3 in October and I'm still disappointed and working through emotions regarding my prenatal care and his birth (I switched doctors between babies). I keep trying to tell myself to get over it. But, I feel guilty that I didn't know enough at the time to give DS a better start. And, maybe, with the pre-e the situation wouldn't have been different anyway.
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#7 of 7 Old 07-02-2009, 06:34 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I have a midwife friend who had a leak w/her first at 37-38 weeks, induction, 52 hour of labour, barely missed a C/S, decided with the rest of her kids it had to be better than that. But she said didn't blame the doctors and nurses--they were doing what they knew to do. Which is an interesting perspective.

Pre-eis serious business. I'm sorry you didn't get the birth you hoped for, but you did need it carefully watched. There are times when medical care is needed.

Don't beat yourself up. It's okay to feel angry and disappointed. And don't beat yourself up for what you didn't know. DD1 got the Vit K shot and eye abx. I didn't know everything I do now.

I really appreciated Solace for Mothers and NavelGazing Midwife's blog the Gray, Grey Messenger--Grief. Don't have time to post links atm.

Mama to 2 year old and :: June 14th!
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