This week has been really stressful for me. I went out of the sanctuary of our church and cried in the bathroom during the baby dedication for a friend who was sectioned for a breech baby. The BF bill changes
are bugging me, and I don't feel effective at making a change, and I had a friend who has a C/S following an induction three weeks before Elisabeth, and her second baby, same thing. She wanted a VBAC, but I wish I'd not been scared to talk to her and say, it can be better. I feel a little guilty, I think she knew she could have talked to me. I said a long time ago that we'd have a homebirth the next time, and she said, "I couldn't do that--all the complications that our DD had!" And I thought, Yeah, and those complications were iatrogenic because you induced and the whole yards of being at the hospital. Of course you had complications!
But I am afraid to say anything because I'm not good at saying things so people can hear them when I get really, not just wound up or excited, but well, I guess when I am super-passionate. Which is one reason I'm afraid I can't make a difference regarding the BF bill. I'm afraid I won't be heard because of how I sound. I did loan her The Thinking Woman's Guide to Childbirth, but I didn't get it to her until a couple weeks ago, which I feel bad about too!
And I haven't dealt with the anger and disappointment from my DD's birth. I thought I was pretty okay, and I talked to Jody, the gal who publishes The Compleat Mother Magazine and just mentioned how they wouldn't let me push until the dr. was there, and her heartrate was dropping, and then they had to take her for four hours, and she said, "You should complain to your doctor for the danger they put your baby in, and that's terrible." And I haven't had anyone say that to me, well on MDC, that was my first thread, but a IRL person is different, I haven't met her! And I just started bawling--someone understood and agreed with me--not even my DH or my mom understood, they've both been kinda 'get over it, she's okay, it wasn't a big deal.' Well, DH isn't get over it, but he doesn't talk about things, and didn't know that babies come out purple, so he was scared when the nurses acted scared. My mom feels like I'm attacking her when I sound angry talking about what hospitals do to women. It's hard to acknowledge in some ways that I am still angry about DD's birth.
I just feel like crying. I am seeing a counselor for issues with my mom, so I should talk to her this week and process this other stuff.
I've got a question, which I'll post but want to throw out here, too.
If you had a successful/satisfying/good, etc. birth following a traumatic birth, did you deal with grief at the time of the birth? When did it hit you, if it did?
I can imagine myself having a homebirth and crying and being happy that I got to catch my baby, but I can see myself holding this baby and crying because I missed that with DD. I mean, just thinking about makes me cry. Seeing the African-American mama in the birth pool holding her own baby in the BOBB made me cry. I didn't get to do that with DD. I miss that. There's no way to go back and redo it.
And that's really hard for me. That was stolen from me, by the doctor, the nurses, the hospital policy/atmosphere, etc. I feel like no one understands I'm missing something enormously precious.
So what was it like, having a good or better birth? Did you grieve?
I need some hugs and reassurance. Thanks for reading.