Anyone else never want to give birth ever again? - Mothering Forums
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Healing Birth Trauma > Anyone else never want to give birth ever again?
guestmama9911's Avatar guestmama9911 02:26 AM 02-28-2009
Just wondering if I'm the only one.

I tried to have a homebirth twice and failed both times. I'm so hurt by the insistence by many in the natural birth community who say that birth isn't painful, when my labors were so aweful I actually contemplated suicide during the last one.

Someone I know and love just wrote a blog post about how wanting pain medication during birth is selfish and I feel like she punched me in the gut.

I never want to give birth ever again.

Please tell me I'm not alone. Please tell me there's at least one other person who feels the same way I do!

wolfmom's Avatar wolfmom 04:31 AM 02-28-2009
I'm so sorry you are feeling so upset! I wouldn't say that my births were as painful as you are describing but I just couldn't read and not reply. I am a very pro natural birth person but I firmly believe that if you have such pain, or fear, (for whatever reason), that you can't even bear the thought of birth again, then you are completely justified in choosing to birth in a way that is more comfortable for you.

Everything is a trade-off in life and sometimes the risks are COMPLETELY worth it for the benefit of having a mentally, and emotionally, safe birth experience.

I can't imagine how painful your births must have been, but I did have a moment with my 3rd baby that I seriously thought I would rip my skin just so that I could step out of it for a few minutes! I hope you find some peace and healing for yourself and remember to be gentle with yourself. Your experience is only yours, and no one else can tell you how to feel or how to deal with it. Let your heart guide you and stop feeling guilty!

peace and health,
guestmama9911's Avatar guestmama9911 04:37 AM 02-28-2009
Thank you!
LaLaLaLa's Avatar LaLaLaLa 04:38 AM 02-28-2009
Yep, yep, yep.

After giving birth to DD, there was no way I could psychologically face childbirth again. I had a c-section with DS. Scheduled. Arguably unnecessary. Arguably selfish. It was the only way I could face the possibility of having a second child, whom I desperately wanted. Despite the villainization on this site of people like me who make this choice, I still feel great about it.
Thandiwe's Avatar Thandiwe 04:42 AM 02-28-2009
Oh, mama! I feel for you! My first birth was an intervention-laced hospital birth, complete with an epidural (honestly didn't do any research, was only 22, can't say I cared enough sadly). By the second one, I went full-force into natural birth and had a *succesful* homebirth. It was sooooooooooooooooo painful!! He was 11.2 pounds and I ripped really badly. I didn't heal until he was 14 mos old...I bled at each and every BM every day until he was 14 mos old (sorry for the tmi). Even today, everything is so dramatically *blown* out "down there" that sex isn't as good anymore and other aspects of life are more difficult. I sometimes wish in hindsight that I had been in the hospital where I could have received stitches or had a mw who sent me for stitches. So, believe me, I feel your pain! There is definitely a tone in the natural community that blames moms when things aren't "ideal" for one reason or another. In my situation, I was blamed for eating too much protein causing my 11.2 pound baby...despite the fact that I gained a mere 17 pounds and lost 55 following the birth. Hmph.

I'm sorry you're feeling so down and out...sounds like that person has blinders on and life will one day yield a rude awakening. *hugs,* mama.
mamabear0314's Avatar mamabear0314 02:17 AM 03-01-2009
Yes. Mine was a good birth on paper. 2 hours to fully dilated, 2 hours pushing. 2 stitches. 10 lb 6.5 oz baby. Water birth, no medications. But I also contemplated suicide at one point. I don't know if I can face the possibility of another birth like that. I'm seriously considering an epidural next time...if there is a next time.
cathicog's Avatar cathicog 03:15 AM 03-01-2009
Quote:
Originally Posted by micah_mae_ View Post
Yes. Mine was a good birth on paper. 2 hours to fully dilated, 2 hours pushing. 2 stitches. 10 lb 6.5 oz baby. Water birth, no medications. But I also contemplated suicide at one point. I don't know if I can face the possibility of another birth like that. I'm seriously considering an epidural next time...if there is a next time.
that sounds like a precipitous birth, and those are often very difficult to deal with, cuz there is no slow gentle progression of labor; it's just here, BAM! and then you have to deal with transition! Bless your heart. You do whatever you need to, to have a sane birth...no heroes here!
hollycat's Avatar hollycat 03:22 AM 03-01-2009
Quote:
Originally Posted by LaLaLaLa View Post
Yep, yep, yep.

After giving birth to DD, there was no way I could psychologically face childbirth again. I had a c-section with DS. Scheduled. Arguably unnecessary. Arguably selfish. It was the only way I could face the possibility of having a second child, whom I desperately wanted. Despite the villainization on this site of people like me who make this choice, I still feel great about it.
saying amen to you sister. we should be about freedom of birth - supporting every women's birth choice here. thats the respect we want from teh world for some of our choices that arent so mainstream.
tree-hugger's Avatar tree-hugger 04:51 AM 03-01-2009
Quote:
Originally Posted by hollycat View Post
saying amen to you sister. We should be about freedom of birth - supporting every women's birth choice here. Thats the respect we want from teh world for some of our choices that arent so mainstream.
ita
guestmama9911's Avatar guestmama9911 08:12 AM 03-01-2009
I really needed all of this. Thank you!
Lauren710's Avatar Lauren710 09:06 AM 03-01-2009
Yes. I feel cheated because I did everything "right" during my pregnancy, labored 27 awful hours without drugs and still ended up with a c-section. I didn't get to hold my baby until 2 hours after she was pulled out of me and I'm convinced that the section was a huge factor in my inability to breastfeed her. I can't do this again, DD was not planned and although I love her, I honestly just don't like kids enough to put myself through either labor, major surgery, or the life-draining newborn phase again.
guestmama9911's Avatar guestmama9911 10:48 AM 03-01-2009
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lauren710 View Post
Yes. I feel cheated because I did everything "right" during my pregnancy, labored 27 awful hours without drugs and still ended up with a c-section. I didn't get to hold my baby until 2 hours after she was pulled out of me and I'm convinced that the section was a huge factor in my inability to breastfeed her. I can't do this again, DD was not planned and although I love her, I honestly just don't like kids enough to put myself through either labor, major surgery, or the life-draining newborn phase again.


saintmom's Avatar saintmom 11:23 AM 03-01-2009
You know,I was one of those "everybody should birth naturally, it's easy,yada,yada,yada" Then I had my 7th.I was old,46,ancient.It was a loooong labor.I'm glad dd is here,don't get me wrong.But I have to say if that had been the first birth, there wouldn't have been anymore!
I guess I finally grew up, gained some insight, birth is different for each and everyone of us.For some of us it's gonna be difficult,horrible,one of those,"I'm not doing that again" experiences.It's O.K. to say it.
Human birth is a design issue.Some of us just aren't going to give birth easily.You can educate yourself,plan for the best and if it doesn't work out,plan B.There shouldn't be any judgment.Stuff happens.
Juvysen's Avatar Juvysen 11:43 AM 03-01-2009
I'm torn. I had a "good" homebirth - only about 5 hrs of contractions that hurt, much, no tearing, just pretty well textbook. It was good, really, but I experienced the fetal ejection reflex and the loss of control part has me really freaked out... still... 19 months later. When I think about giving birth *in general* I think how cool it is and how I'd love to do that again. However, when I think about my experience last time... I get some serious anxiety and feel like there's no way I can do that again. We're not really ok with hormonal or surgical forms of birth control, though, and we do NFP, but who knows what will happen down the line... Surgery freaks me out more than natural, I guess.
MommaLauraRN's Avatar MommaLauraRN 03:28 PM 03-01-2009
My first birth was horrendous...labor was manageable until the 5-6cm point where I got an combined spinal/epidural, moved along quickly and felt the unbelieveable pressure as I got to complete. His HR dropped to 60 after my first push and wouldn't come back up. I ended up with emergent forceps delivery with a 4th degree tear and broken tailbone. I was completely traumatized as everything happened so fast. (My roomed filled up with people, I was scared to death and he was out sooooo fast!)

With my second birth, I had a midwife that I just really connected with. She wanted me have more control of the situation. I thought long and hard throughout my pregnancy what I wanted out of his birth. Ultimately, I knew there was no way to "control" birth. I knew the possibilities were endless. I debated in my head for months if I wanted a natural birth experience, and even had a few coworkers try to push me into it. (a couple who had never given birth themselves). I had a couple of doctors who said they would offer me a primary C-section if I wanted one! Even as much as I am around birth and as amazing it is to be with women who have natural childbirth, I felt most at peace when I thought about another epiduralized birth. I had an elective induction at 40+6 with the above mentioned midwife. (First baby was spontaneous labor at 40+2) I got an epidural after a few hours of regular contractions, but I wasn't really in labor yet. We had agreed epidural before AROM! I hung out with my epidural and it was soooo relaxing. I actually commented it was like a day at the spa. My coworker gave me a great footrub, we had lots of laughs, I got to read a People magazine and socialize...then a few hours later I SROMd and the pressure feeling was quickly upon us. I went from 3-4 "but too high to AROM" to complete and +3 involuntary pushing efforts in less than 25 minutes. I was a little panicky because of the fast pace once again and had verbal diarrhea...somewhere in the midst of that while I was getting an epidural top off, I asked for surgical anesthesia (when they give lidocaine through the epidural as in to dose for a C-section). And they gave it to me! I was numb as hell from my boobs down and it was FABULOUS! No pain, no pressure, no ring of fire, no tailbone pain! It was exactly what I needed. He came out with great apgars, nursed right away and it was defintely a healing birth for me! I was actually kind of sad when it was all over because it was actually fun! Don't let anyone tell you what YOUR birth experience should be. Find a care provider who respects your choices. Natural birth really isn't for everyone. Know the risks/benefits of choices you make, make your peace with your choices and then it doesn't really matter what anyone else says or thinks!
kate3's Avatar kate3 05:14 PM 03-02-2009
Aw, you're not alone at all!

With my first I went in thinking "no drugs, no epidural". That changed quickly. I was so unprepared for the pain, especially after so many of my natural birth friends talked about how labor and birth was "wonderful", "orgasmic", and "empowering". Maybe it was for them but definitely not for me. I was induced for hypertension and the pain was causing my BP to soar. I got an epidural and it was wonderful. I was mad at myself for suffering without it.

My next two deliveries were somewhat similar to what MommaLauraRN wrote. It was decided well in advance that I would get an early epidural before AROM. Both for pain control and BP control. It was the best decision I ever made. My BP stayed down, I was comfortable (but not numb), and have great memories of the births. And all my kiddos nursed right away and were in no way sedated. I didn't end up paralyzed, infected, or impaired from the epidural.

It makes me so angry when people suggest that you are somehow a "lesser" woman if you dare admit labor was painful, or worse, take medication to manage the pain.
holyhelianthus's Avatar holyhelianthus 05:49 PM 03-02-2009
Yes, absolutely Alisa! I just posted about this very thing on Solace. I thought I would be stronger this time but no. I am ashamed but the truth is I so badly don't want to have to birth these twins I don't care if it means I get knocked out and they are born via c-section. I don't care if I get an epidural. I don't care if the stork delivers them. I just don't want to feel a second of labor.

You did not fail. My MW took it upon herself to tell me I was a failure when I transfered with Olive. Most days I think she is right and I think that is such BS. Why? Why do mamas feel like failures for bringing their babies into the world? Why should we? So what if it didn't go as planned. Stuff happens. Birth and life are not rainbows and butterflies no matter how many positive birth stories we read making it seem like that is easily obtainable. Obviously I am one to talk here but what I am trying to say is you are not a failure and I know what it feels like to feel like you have failed at something so important. It's a pain I don't wish on anyone ever.

I agree about the natural birth community acting as if birth is painless or at least always manageable. That doesn't empower women, IMO, it can often do the opposite. My MW was upset with me for being vocal during labor. The NB community really needs to break free of it's own stereotypes which hinder the birth process and offer little support to those of us who had it different then what is expected. That's the problem with birth culture across the spectrum- women are not being supported as birthing mothers regardless.

Here's hoping peace to all of us mothers kicked in the ass by reality.
Mom2Princess's Avatar Mom2Princess 06:11 PM 03-02-2009
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lauren710 View Post
Yes. I feel cheated because I did everything "right" during my pregnancy, labored 27 awful hours without drugs and still ended up with a c-section.
Im a long-time lurker, love this community.

Ok, to answer the OP and this quote:

I KNOW how you feel.

I had an unmedicated birth, 2 weeks overdue, large baby and I was doing great during labour, according to the midwife. I vowed 'no drugs'and I did it.
But I had interventions the very last *minute* of my intervention-free labour. Due to fetal distress (wasnt going natural supposed to avoid that?) the midwife ahd to call in the OB on call and in a matter of less then 1 minute he gave me a 4th degree episiotomy (yup, that hurts unmedicated) and pulled my baby out with forceps.

Normally, people get epidurals for this kind of procedure. I did not, I stayed unmedicated the whole time. it was only a matter of 1 minute, and ofcourse better then a c-section (if forceps can avoid it, right?).

I feel cheated because I didnt get to catch the baby. Or DH. I flet guilty for needing forceps, like a failure who cannot do it herself. I know Im not. Its been 7 years.

I feel proud for my unmedicated birth. I will never forget it. It hurt like hell. It was unbearable.
dewi's Avatar dewi 02:37 PM 03-03-2009
Once was enough for me!
I gave birth once and was done.
I felt our family was complete and finished immediately after the birth.

Ignore the birth professionals, and the sanctimonious.

Every human being interprets pain differently, and enduring pain when it feels like suffering, is traumatizing.

Have fun with your two!
Romana's Avatar Romana 05:42 PM 03-04-2009
Quote:
Originally Posted by alisaterry View Post
I'm so hurt by the insistence by many in the natural birth community who say that birth isn't painful, when my labors were so aweful I actually contemplated suicide during the last one.
Same here. I hate birth. We absolutely want more children. I know that I will give birth again, if we're fortunate enough to get pregnant again. I don't know what form that birth will take. I'm not looking forward to it. "Dread" is about as positive an emotion as I can muster.
Romana's Avatar Romana 05:47 PM 03-04-2009
Quote:
Originally Posted by magstphil View Post
I agree about the natural birth community acting as if birth is painless or at least always manageable. That doesn't empower women, IMO, it can often do the opposite. My MW was upset with me for being vocal during labor. The NB community really needs to break free of it's own stereotypes which hinder the birth process and offer little support to those of us who had it different then what is expected. That's the problem with birth culture across the spectrum- women are not being supported as birthing mothers regardless.
I just wanted to quote this because I really think it warrants repeating. Absolutely.
mamabear0314's Avatar mamabear0314 05:57 PM 03-04-2009
Quote:
Originally Posted by Romana9+2 View Post
Same here. I hate birth. We absolutely want more children. I know that I will give birth again, if we're fortunate enough to get pregnant again. I don't know what form that birth will take. I'm not looking forward to it. "Dread" is about as positive an emotion as I can muster.
Yup. The size of family that I want has gone down from 6-8 kids to 3-4 kids and with at least one adoption. I'm so scared of birth that I am scared to have sex because I don't wanna get pregnant.
LaurenB's Avatar LaurenB 04:05 AM 03-12-2009
Magstphil, your post was wonderful. Thank you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by micah_mae_ View Post
Yup. The size of family that I want has gone down from 6-8 kids to 3-4 kids and with at least one adoption. I'm so scared of birth that I am scared to have sex because I don't wanna get pregnant.
Yes! We went from wanting 2-3 to maybe just the one. I am so deeply afraid of going through labor again. And where would I have the baby anyway? Both the birth center and hospital were horrible. Bleh. I am so afraid to get pregnant that we haven't had sex since 2007.
wbg's Avatar wbg 01:10 PM 03-12-2009
Hugs mama

I just wanted to say to you and all these Mamas that I truly believe that all woman should give birth in an environment where they feel empowered and supported and where they are able to welcome their baby into the world. If that means that you are alone in a field, or in hospital with an epi/and or c-sec then that is the BEST place in the world for you. I believe in informed choices.I believe that no two births are alike and it is impossible to comprehend what someone else has gone through. No HCP should make you feel that you "failed". There is no such thing in birth. I go into each birth trying not to have any expectation of the birth journey or how I will respond to it. Every child's birth journey is different and unique. You need to feel strong and supported and should do whatever you need to do to welcome your much loved child into the world. I have given birth 4 times and each has been different. I have had water births and epi assisted birth and one of those similar to Micah-Mae where I felt truly bruised and battered and a little traumatised by it all, even though on paper it was perfect! Sometimes I honestly feel like I do not know where I belong because more mainstream communities think I am this crazy hippy chick and the more natural communities judge me because I don't see a problem supporting other choices that differ to my own, or in supporting a less natural approach even though I have been fortunate enough to experience the natural approach working out for me. Anyway, i hope that makes sense.
I just wanted you to know that you are a brave awesome Mama and your experiences in birth are real and validated. And that there are some in the natural community who think it is awesome and just fine for you to take any birthing path you choose. Just as it irks me when OBs judge my homebirth/natural choices, it irks me even more when natural Mamas judge even more harshly. Gosh I hope that makes sense.
Devaskyla's Avatar Devaskyla 04:24 AM 03-15-2009
Unless we have an accidental pregnancy, I won't have to, since h is done, but yeah, the thought of doing it again terrifies me tbh. All 3 of my babies have had births that were terribly painful for me. I really hoped this most recent one would be my "healing" birth, after my cesarean that took a year to recover from & my first VBAC with a seriously malpositioned/stuck baby. It wasn't. I told my husband to kill me, it hurt so badly near the end. I'm surprised no neighbours called the cops I was screaming & crying so much. I'm still feeling like I did something "wrong" to have it hurt so much & to be so vocal.

Even if dh weren't done, I don't think there's anyway I could choose to get pregnant again, knowing it probably wouldn't be any better another time. If it somehow happens any way, I think I'm going to need therapy to deal with the fear.
NinaD's Avatar NinaD 10:03 PM 03-18-2009
We had planned a birth center birth but I was induced at 42 weeks and ultimately had a c-section. I was so determined to do it drug free (before I knew I would have a c-section, of course) and the internal exams were just absolutely horrible. Several times I had emergency internal exams to either check for a prolapsed cord or to insert various monitors directly into my uterus... or to take them out and put them back in correctly. The pain was so bad when inserting the monitors that in the moment I wanted to die. I didn't ask for an epidural mainly because I forgot it was an option with everything going on. Every time my midwife told me that I needed another internal exam I just broke down into tears. The pain was horrible and I felt so violated. I'm not sure that I could give birth without an epidural again because the associations are so bad and I hate that.
Freefromitall's Avatar Freefromitall 10:19 PM 03-18-2009
~raises hand~ Me. Honestly, do not want to be pregnant, do not want to go through birth, do not want any more children at. all.
And people don't take me seriously, b/c my 1st pregnancy was a breeze, my second was a little bumpy, but nothing major, and both deliveries went really well(I totally wussed out and had epis with both though)
So because I didn't have a horrible omgz!11!! near death experience with either pregnancy or labor/delivery, I'm not *allowed* to be sick to my stomach at the thought of going through it again.
Kimmiepie's Avatar Kimmiepie 02:40 AM 03-19-2009
Me!!! Maybe not for all the same reasons, but I never want to again nonetheless.

More on this when I have more time...

subbing
Smokering's Avatar Smokering 02:46 AM 03-20-2009
A few months ago, absolutely. Now... well, yes, the thought of another birth doesn't ring joybells in my heart, but it's the thought of the pregnancy and postpartum periods that really have me cringing.

And we're not done. I want a big family. At the very least, three or four... which means two or three, and likely more, labours and deliveries to go through. The 'what-ifs' keep playing in my head... what if I get pre-eclampsia again? What if I never get my homebirth? What if I have to have a C-section? What if I get more and more stretch marks every time, and develop varicose veins and haemmorhoids and gain just a little more weight with each baby and end up looking twenty years older than DH and hating myself? What if I tear? What if I can never be a good mother, because I'm always too tired and frazzled and grumpy? What if I can't cope with a newborn *and* a toddler, much less a newborn and several kids? What if I spend too much time online and don't give them an enriching childhood; or conversely, what if I spend all my time running after them while my hobbies and dreams and sense of self get slowly sucked into a tiny black hole? What if DH leaves me for a Brazilian cocktail waitress?

OK, so I clearly have bigger issues than childbirth. And they're not exactly unique, never-been-angsted-before issues either, I know. While part of me would like the experience of planning our next child (Rowan was a surprise, more or less), I sometimes feel like I could never muster the strength to actually do it deliberately, knowing what I was letting myself in for. You know? Right now the thought of women who've already had children deliberately putting their bodies through that again frankly astounds me. I feel like asking "Didn't you want to scream and run out of the bedroom while you were TTC when you realised that could make you pregnant?" (Don't worry, I don't actually ask this).

It's a bit of a mess, and yet DD is beaming at me right now from the floor where she has been happily emptying my handbag, and I'm chillin' on the internet, and life is really peachy when I think about it, so... But then, Rowan just turned one, and thinking about another baby has only become, say, 20% less terrifying in the last few months. Sigh.
Theoretica's Avatar Theoretica 03:09 AM 03-20-2009
One more mama here saying my births were both excruciatingly painful at times. It was NOT a pain free bliss that is sometimes described here. It was only REALLY unbearable for the last bit, as I tend to go from 4cm to 10cm in about an hour, and I hit transition like a train wreck, and push my babies out in under five minutes. So it hurts. a lot. I don't know why I'm like that, but it's not the most fun part of the experience, that's for damn sure.

mama....we understand
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