I'm scared (kinda long) - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 5 Old 03-12-2009, 07:40 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So I'm not exactly sure what I am looking for, if anything. This just seems like the right place to be.
I have my second child due in about 3 months, and I am scared to death of giving birth to her.
My DS, 8yo, was born through emergency c/s. I'm gonna give the "short" version..
I went into labor at about 36w3d, and went to my midwife's house to have my baby. Well, she said things were going a bit slow after just 4 hours, and gave me a pill to "help speed things up". I was in labor, and didn't really question her, and just took it. A little while later, the labor was progressing but something was wrong. I just knew something was wrong, and I told my MW. She decided to check me, and then checked baby's heartrate, which had dropped dangerously low. Soo, we rushed to the hospital, I guess I signed some papers (although I don't remember much) and they rushed me to the OR. I was put under, and they had DS out within 4 minutes of me being asleep. A couple hours later, I am being rolled to the NICU, where they show me a baby with tubes up his nose, and say this is your baby. Then they rolled me away. The next day I was told he had a very slim chance of making it another night, and that I needed to decide what I wanted to do if he died. Um, wow? Luckily he was and still is a fighter, and after 10 days in the hospital I got to take him home.
Apparently the pill my MW gave me is not something you are supposed to give to a woman in labor. It's called Cytotec. Google it. It caused my placenta to abrupt, and my son and I were hemmorraghing.
I know it has been a long time, but i haven't really wanted to have another baby because I was so scared from what happened. AND, I didn't even know what it was that I took until about a year ago. So all that time I though it happened because of me. Like I'm defective or something. I have come to terms with the fact that it's 99% probability that it's not my fault, but I can't seem to shake these fears, especially with my baby being due in just a few months.
I feel like I never really bonded with my son. Like I'm not really his mom.
And speaking of moms, my MW was my mom.
I don't know how to deal with this. I hate being scared. Every little pain I have puts me into a panic.

Like I said, I don't know exactly what I'm looking for here, just seemed like the right place to be.

For those of you who made it this far, thanks for reading.

SAHM (32)  Married to a bearded hunk (28) , DS  11/00, DD  06/09, two  in 2013,the final piece to our puzzle   is due 12/14
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#2 of 5 Old 03-13-2009, 06:23 AM
 
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I am so sorry. Its so hard in the middle of labor to be able to have our heads about us. I hope you aren't going anywhere near that MW again. Take care and remember that it wasn't you last time. Your body was doing the right things, its just that you weren't given the chance to progress gradually. Remember your body is on your side.
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#3 of 5 Old 03-13-2009, 09:01 PM
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Thank you for sharing your story. You are a brave, powerful, loving Mama and you went through a very traumatic birthing experience. It is no wonder you feel scared. I hope that you will be able to work through all your fears and feelings. You did absolutely nothing wrong. Try to find support and definitely a MW who can help you work through your experience. You are so brave for facing your fears head on and working through your anxiety. even just by posting your story...you have taken a HUGE step forward. Big hugs to you. I am sending you love and warmth and healing...

wbg...constantly amazed by Z , cherishing I , inspired by P , adoring K and still getting butterflies when I wake up with B !
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#4 of 5 Old 03-13-2009, 11:58 PM
 
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I think your story is terrible and you are a strong beautiful person to rise above the past and have another baby.
I had a horrible c section and recovery with my first pregnancy . I don't want to share my whole story but by surprise I was pg again when my first baby was only three months old. I was so scared of another terrible experience that I saw a shrink who helps people who suffer infant loss, infertility, and issues along those lines. He said some things to me that may help you. He said that if I worry about the past and worry about the future that I would not be living in the present moment and how that is crummy way to live and it is a pretty poor quality of life. The future was totally out of my control and that I had to accept it and just try to trust God. Every time I would start to worry I would just tell myself that it was out of my control and that I just had to put worry aside because it would not help anything. I did allow myself to be scared and not feel bad about it. I just tried not to worry for more than a second. I focused on the care my first would need while I was going to be in the hospital. I went to a different hospital than before and had a new doctor which helped. I had a general surgeon in the room with the OB. I brought a CD with familiar chanting that I knew and said it the whole time. I did great. I will never get over the first birth experience but I have learned coping techniques to put it aside. I will pray for you right now for a safe and happy birth.
Philia
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#5 of 5 Old 03-17-2009, 03:41 PM - Thread Starter
 
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thank you for your replies. I think I just needed to get it out. I am trying to focus on the positive, and hope for the best, but I am definately prepared for the worst. I just can't wait for her to be out, happy, and healthy.

SAHM (32)  Married to a bearded hunk (28) , DS  11/00, DD  06/09, two  in 2013,the final piece to our puzzle   is due 12/14
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