So I'm not exactly sure what I am looking for, if anything. This just seems like the right place to be.
I have my second child due in about 3 months, and I am scared to death of giving birth to her.
My DS, 8yo, was born through emergency c/s. I'm gonna give the "short" version..
I went into labor at about 36w3d, and went to my midwife's house to have my baby. Well, she said things were going a bit slow after just 4 hours, and gave me a pill to "help speed things up". I was in labor, and didn't really question her, and just took it. A little while later, the labor was progressing but something was wrong. I just knew something was wrong, and I told my MW. She decided to check me, and then checked baby's heartrate, which had dropped dangerously low. Soo, we rushed to the hospital, I guess I signed some papers (although I don't remember much) and they rushed me to the OR. I was put under, and they had DS out within 4 minutes of me being asleep. A couple hours later, I am being rolled to the NICU, where they show me a baby with tubes up his nose, and say this is your baby. Then they rolled me away. The next day I was told he had a very slim chance of making it another night, and that I needed to decide what I wanted to do if he died. Um, wow? Luckily he was and still is a fighter, and after 10 days in the hospital I got to take him home.
Apparently the pill my MW gave me is not something you are supposed to give to a woman in labor. It's called Cytotec. Google it. It caused my placenta to abrupt, and my son and I were hemmorraghing.
I know it has been a long time, but i haven't really wanted to have another baby because I was so scared from what happened. AND, I didn't even know what it was that I took until about a year ago. So all that time I though it happened because of me. Like I'm defective or something. I have come to terms with the fact that it's 99% probability that it's not my fault, but I can't seem to shake these fears, especially with my baby being due in just a few months.
I feel like I never really bonded with my son. Like I'm not really his mom.
And speaking of moms, my MW was my mom.
I don't know how to deal with this. I hate being scared. Every little pain I have puts me into a panic.
Like I said, I don't know exactly what I'm looking for here, just seemed like the right place to be.
For those of you who made it this far, thanks for reading.