I have never told my story on a forum like this. - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 5 Old 03-27-2009, 10:18 PM - Thread Starter
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Abrielle is almost 2. I had an ok birth, by hospital standards. But it was not what I wanted. It was not my dream and I am afraid this one will not be either. Someday I will get my homebirth. Here is my story:

My daughter dropped to about a 0 station by 29 weeks gestation. I was still working full time, in a bad/unsupportive marriage, and had a lot of reservations about the circumstances surrounding the pregnancy. However I was happy to welcome her because I had a hard time getting pregnant. I guess my poor views of pregnancy don't help. In high school I had 2 m/c's, one of which was a result of severe domestic/dating violence with my then BF. I was beaten and left in a parking lot bleeding and miscarrying a 12 week fetus. I have had 6 pregnancies (including the current) and only 1 live birth so far (I will be having my daughter in August, though).

So, at 29 weeks, the preterm labor and dialation started. I had been planning a HB, but was seeing contingency care at the local hospital. I ended up with reoccuring Bacterial Vaginosis which put me into preterm labor 6 times prior to reaching 35 weeks. By that time I was in so much pain from carrying a baby that low and just tired all together.

I worked untili was 39 weeks pregnant because we needed the money. I had my membranes stripped at 38 weeks and then again at 39 weeks and 5 days. I went into labor that day. My labor started at about 2 pm on Friday, April 20th 2007. after having the stripping done. It didn't regulate into normal contractions until about 4 AM Saturday morning, though. By then I was having bloody show and my contractions were about 10 minutes apart. I labored at home with my friend Lisa, then my mother, until my MW showed up at around 3 PM. She checked me and I was 4 CM dialated. I continued to labor and have intensified contractions, although everytime I got in the water, it would make them slow a bit. By 10 PM on Saturday, my contractions were about every minute-2 minutes and lasting 3 minutes, they would peak three times or just stay up at a peak through the whole contraction. I could not move off of my birth ball. I could not sleep and I was in so much pain. My mother and husband were little to no help. My midwives and doula were trying to rest downstairs. At about 2 AM I started to feel like I needed to take a poop and was screaming about pressure. When I told my midwife something was wrong, my body was bearing down and it was hurting INSIDE. She had her assistant mw check me and I was swelling shut. We tried blue and black cohosh, but at 3 AM we all talked and decided we needed to make it stop or make it go. I was exhausted and my mother and husband wanted me to transfer. Alone with them upstairs I caved and went to the hospital. We arrived at about 3:30 AM at the hospital, my contractions made the labor and delivery nurse stare in AWE at the monitor. I had a muscle spasm with a 3 minute peaking contraction and almost fell off the bed. I then asked for an epidural and the pitocin. I just wanted this OVER with.

My MW at the hospital was very sympathetic and respectful. I had a great labor and delivery nurse too. I had the stadol at around 4 AM and then my light epidural at 5 AM, then they started my pitocin and I slept until 7 AM. My water broke on it's own at 8:30 AM and I went from 5 CM to 10 CM by 10 AM.

I was allowed to move and push in any position, I was respected and not counted at or yelled at to push. It was respectful and as gentle as possible. I did not tear, I felt everything to push since my epidural had worn off by then.

After the birth I did not breatfeed successfully, I had PPD and was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. My daughter was allergic to seemingly everything and I felt like a huge failure. I couldn't even cloth diaper her successfully.

I just needed to get this out. I know my birth was a cake walk compared to some, but I just feel like it was not what I wanted. It was not my dream. I was a bad mom on top of it for resenting her and the birth. I have never recovered from that feeling and it follows me now with this pregnancy. I feel as though I will be a failure. My situation is horrible and I have little to no support and feel very alone.

I am hoping this can help me heal a bit.

Thanks for listening.
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#2 of 5 Old 03-28-2009, 12:59 AM
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I resented ds1 sometimes after the cesarean & it took me months to feel anything for him other than responsibility. I still feel guilty about that, but he's a pretty happy kid most of the time.

mom to all boys B: 08/01ribboncesarean.gif,  C: 07/05 uc.jpg, N: 03/09 uc.jpg, M: 01/12 uc.jpg and far too many lost onesintactlact.gifsaynovax.gif

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#3 of 5 Old 03-28-2009, 01:22 AM
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I am sorry it wasnt the birth you had hoped for

Mummy to Samuel 02/08 and new baby Molly- 04/10
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#4 of 5 Old 04-02-2009, 10:45 AM
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Sweetie, that does not sound like a "cake walk." It's okay to acknowledge that it was really hard. It sounds like you have been through a lot and you are a very strong woman. I'm sorry you are feeling alone. I hope you can find someone to talk to about it.

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#5 of 5 Old 04-03-2009, 07:34 PM
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What kind of support system do you have going for you now?

tireless sewer of teeny little clothes for Bamboletta dolls ...

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