I dont know how to heal - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 4 Old 04-17-2009, 06:59 PM - Thread Starter
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So my daughters birth (2 years ago) I didnt really know what I wanted except the fact that I didnt want an epidural. I didnt have any support aside from my wonderful husband. Everyone told me I was crazy. I stuck with it though. My dr. was amazing and knew what I did and didnt want. Well I got stuck with a backup because my dr. was having some eye problem (he retired shortly after) After pushing for 5 minutes with this other dr. he gave me an episiotomy for NO REASON! When I got pregnant with my son a year later... it took me just a few months to decide on a homebirth. Because we live on an island with no midwives, I found a midwife somewhere else to travel here and stay with me. I paid for her flight in and out and she stayed with us. Well after I went a week overdue she could no longer stay and just picked up and left. Here I am 1 week overdue having nothing ready for a hospital birth. Well when I finally go into labor at 2 weeks overdue, I got to the hospital fully dilated and started yelling what I did and didnt want. I refused to put on hospital clothes, I refused an IV (they didnt like that much) and I told them absolutely no needles near my baby for anything. So the dr. I liked the best is the one I got ( I had 5 different drs.) Well Im pushing for maybe 2 minutes and he screams, "stop this baby is breach". I started crying saying that there is just no way, he was head down just a day ago and I havent felt anything. I then tell him I refuse a c section as long as everything is fine. Hes being frantic, screaming and yelling telling them that he cannot deliver this baby and they need to call more drs. in for assistance. At this point I cant breathe and Im freaking out. Nurses are trying to start an IV and Im telling them no. My husband is crying, not sure what to do. Finally the dr. says, "wait the baby is head down, its the mouth not the butt Im feeling". He still says we need to do a c section and Im screaming no. So Im pushing as hard as I can because he tells me, he will give me 10 minutes to get the baby out. after about 2 minutes I feel him cut into me... twice. No warning, no numbing... NOTHING. Im screaming, " you just cut me". He tells me that he has no choice. So baby is out on the next push. They frantically pull him away from me, even though hes crying on his own and everything looks good. He did have bruising around his mouth but his hr was great the whole time and everything was just fine. Later on the dr apologized for giving the episiotomy because after I pushed him out so easily, he thinks I really didnt need it. So now 4 months later Im still haunted by this. My son came out posterior thats what all the fuss was about. His heartrate stayed in the 120s and everything... Yes he was slightly bruised but I dont understand why there was so much freaking out. I want another baby in about 2 yeats so bad but after that I just dont know if I can do it again. I dont think I can allow a dr. to deliver again but I dont think I can get my hubby on board with a homebirth again. I just dont know if I will ever be able to get this out of my head and it just sucks! Sorry for writing so much bbut thanks for listening if you got this far.

Wife of a Coastie, Mom to Rylin, Alden, Carden and Thumper coming Octoberstork-suprise.gifbfinfant.gifdp_femalesling.GIFsaynovax.gifsigncirc1.gifhomebirth.jpgribbonpink.gifHelping my mom fight breast cancer.

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#2 of 4 Old 04-17-2009, 07:13 PM
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OMG!!!! I cannot believe your midwife just left you! That's so unfair to go into labor and the hospital totally unprotected like that. Maybe I'm confused and there was an expiration date on your contract with the MW, but I would write her and tell her she is negligent for leaving a woman without support.

I'm shocked both that the OB did an episiotomy and that he admitted it was unecessary. I think if the adrenaline started flowing from the false idea that baby was breech, it didn't stop and he continued to treat the pushing like it was an emergency (Absolutely does not excuse his behavior).

Because I was totally unprotected during my labor, I now insist on support from a therapist or accupuncturist or whoever I know I can depend on for support during my healing.

Hope you find the support you need!
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#3 of 4 Old 04-28-2009, 11:45 PM
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It sounds like your baby was presenting by the face. That would explain why the doc found the mouth and thought it was a butt, and why the baby had bruising around his mouth. It also explains why there was continued panic around your birth which led to the craziness that you explain. Not that a baby presenting by the face is a legitimate reason for panic, but it is quite rare and that can strike fear in an inexperienced care provider.

It sounds like you had a really hard time, I can completely understand being haunted by an experience like that.

Clinical Herbalist. Trained but never certified, licensed, or registered as a midwife.
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#4 of 4 Old 04-29-2009, 02:28 AM
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Don't imagine the worst incidents in your emotional life -- keep a positive attitude.
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