I completely understand, too.
As a pp, I really want another baby. But the thought terrifies me. I've already made the decision that when/if I get pregnant again, I will not step one foot inside a doctor's office. Not one foot. That was my mistake with dd. I didn't find/know of a lay midwife until around 36 weeks pregnant. (I was planning a UC but was receiving prenatal care from OB).
I'm worried that when/if I'm pregnant again, I will put myself and/or the baby at risk. I'm worried that my complete fear of hospitals (more so now, with the CS and all) and fear of a repeat CS will guide my decisions with labor/pregnancy. But, what if I have placenta previa and I have absolutely no choice but to have a CS? I don't think I can handle that. I just don't think I can handle yet another trauma. So? What will I do? The night of dd's CS, I seriously considered suicide. The fear of hospitals/doctors/CS was really that bad. I hated my unborn dd that night. Hated her. (I never formed a bond with her--but found myself hating her). I swore I wouldn't want anything to do with her after the CS.
My plan was this: Have the CS. Shun the baby. Leave AMA (I purposely drove myself to the hospital) and go to a bar and get drunk. Lastly, kill myself. I had already stocked up on appropriate pills to do the trick.
As stated, I had no bond with my unborn child. I think I was too busy working 80 hours/week and fighting with her dad to form one with her. I was out for the CS--couldn't handle being awake. When they wheeled me up to the nursery afterwards and I saw her for the first time--that miraculous thing happened. I instantly fell in love. She was real. That thing inside of me was her. I'm a mother. It was such a feeling of awe.
So, I'm well aware of the mother's love thing and all that. But I seriously do not think I can handle a repeat birth trauma. I'm afraid that if a repeat does happen, I will without a doubt follow through with my original plan (bar and the last step). DD will be 2 in about a month. And I can't believe that her birth is still a part of my every day life. Her belly button triggers me (the whole umbilical cord thing, surgeons cutting it, etc).
Last fall, I made the mistake of sleeping with her dad 3 times. He was on his "I love you so much" kick. He's always after sex and I always tell him no (We weren't "together" then....and honestly we're really not now but he tells me we are. Long story, but I'm naive and stupid so I fall for his crap). During his "I love you so much kick", one night he slipped up (read: didn't pull out quick enough). I told him, "You better NOT get me pregnant!" I was more than angry. He told me, "Aw, that would be great. I'd love to give dd a sibling...."
2 days later, he approaches me at my job for a favor. He wanted me to take the morning after pill. I refused. That made him mad. He told me (and I will never forget this), "If you don't take the pill, you're on your own." I told him, "I was with the first one. This one won't be any different." And I was. He completely abandoned me during pregnancy and at the hospital. Of all people, he knew my complete and utter fear of docs/hospitals. And he left. He's hurt me so bad. In my heart, I don't feel I can move past it. But he kind of insists. He's been insisting on our relationship for the past 8 years. Everytime I say no, he pushes harder, just like sex. After saying "no" and not being heard for so long, it's like why even bother anymore?
Anyway. I've also decided he's not invited to any future births. That will be kind of hard, if we're married (though I highly doubt that, he just leads me on). But I don't want him there. I don't want to pretend to think that he'd come through for me, only to abandon me again.
I'm sorry I just rambled on for what seems 20 pages. The weather is changing and I've been having so many more flashbacks lately. The cool spring mornings. DD's bday coming up. Just tons of flashbacks and hurt. And just last night, of being completely unheard by dd's dad (I tell him I don't want sex, in a detailed mature discussion and list my logical reasons and 10 minutes later, he's all over me. wtf? But I grin and bear it and take it out on myself the next day).
It's nice to get that out of me.
I think it's time to break out the vodka again