I am so sorry that this truama is carrying on for you but I do understand. I'm in a similar boat and so much of what you wrote is really hitting home to me personally. I don't know if I can offer you advice as to how to find peace, exactly, because I'm not really there myself yet. But it sounds like we're on the same kind of road, so sharing notes might help.
I am also seeing a counselor for PTSD. I was lucky enough to find a very experienced psychiatrist who doesn't see a lot of patients for "talk therapy" but she took me on because she used to deliver babies in her family practice. It's so great to have a therapist who knows all the technical in's and out's of birth and is natural-minded. It's helping but even with the picture-perfect therapist, it's taking time to get to the heart of it all. All the layers of betrayal and violation take a lot of time to peel off, I think.
Also, my husband and I are seeing a marital counselor in the same practice. Is there any chance your husband might go to do some couples' work with you? My DH is not an alcoholic but he is the child of a severe one and grew up in an abusive, scary home. He was like a deer in headlights during my 30 hour labor, all of it at the hospital. I never realized how frozen he becomes in the face of conflict or how unable he was to stand up for me, protect me, advocate for me. What he grew up in programmed him not to. He always had to watch his mom being terrorized and sometimes physically abused and could never do a thing about it - he learned it was safer not to.
After my son was born, immediately after getting home, he became very abusive - not hitting me but I wa afraid he would. Screaming, yelling, terrorizing me when I was physically and emotionaly devastated already. Boy have we had some work to do - we were in TROUBLE for a while. But, despite him being a real manly-man and not at all the talking type, he goes with me to counselling and he gives it a good effort and it's helping. We both want to be the best parents we can for our son and we do love eachother. There have been some very lively sessions involving me screaming and swearing right in front of our counsellor. But that what it's taken to get past some of my deep, dark anger for him about his lack of support during my son's birth and his behavior afterward. It has been unpleasant for both of us, but the only way to the other side of it. It's really helping, so I strongly suggest it if your DH can rein his ego in enough to go. As moms surviving birth trauma, we have to eat a lot of crow. They can eat a little, too.
What you relayed about you Doula is wretched. She sounds like someone who's in it for herself and to bolster her ego rather than someone who actually wants to help women. Shame, shame, SHAME on her! Did you confront her at all afterward? Write her a letter? Is there any governing board of professional regulation overseing her where you live? Is there a professional association she belongs to that you could report her to? I had a midwife in a birthing center setting who was unbelievably inexperienced who let my birth get WAY out of controll. (I was in labor - water broken - for 28+ hours with an asynclitic baby, and android pelvis and no progress after 6 hours of pushing when fully dialated and she didn't see fit to lay down her ego and call the OB) She was the one I trusted who totally violated me, perhaps similar to your Doula. It took a lot of processing, but I finally decided I had to file a complaint against her with the board of nursing in my state, which I am doing now. It's hard, because it keeps re-opening the wound for me but I am convinced this is what I need to do to feel better about it in the long run. I have no idea what will come of it but this is what I figure: nobody protected me from her, the best I can do is protect others from her. I don't know if you had experiences with the Dr.s that cared for you that contribute to your trauma, but I think it's high time that medical professionals who are careless and cause this kind of suffering in women be held accountable.
Another thing that has helped me is seeing a hypnotherapist. She is wonderful and we did hypnobirthing classes with her when I was pregnant. Unfortunately you can't hypnobirth your way through being abused with Pitocin (at least I couldn't) but I knew that her relaxation methods were very, very effective for me. I don't know where you live but if you emailed her she may be able to connect you with someone near you. Her website is www.wellspringhypno.com
and her name is Carolyn. She is wonderful.
Some days I'll be fine and I have to think about something that really brings it back for me, like questions in the investigation of my midwife or someone else's bireth story (good or bad) and I fall apart. Here's a hoakey little thing I use sometimes that an old boss gave me: I take some deep breaths and say to myself "wash it from your soul. for this one day, just wash all this from your soul". Like I said, hoakey, but honestly....it works for me. Sometimes I just need to lay it down and walk away from it internally. I know it will be there tomorrow, but it might not bother me as much tomorrow.
The piece about seeing pregnat women and hating it, I can relate to that, too. I always thought I wanted more than one child, now I don't know. It's not just because I'll have to have a c/s next time, it's because of all the stuff with my DH, too. I'll have to be in a better place with him before I can successfully mother another infant child. But when I see pregnant women, or hear about other moms' glowing, beautiful birth stories, I can't help being reminded of the hopes I had and how they were dashed into pieces by careless people.
My sister in law has been trying to concieve for three years and has bad endo. Her road has been really long but she has recieved an IVF scholarship from an organization called INCIID that helps infertile couples (not that you're in that boat) get pregnant. She's been matched with the SHER Institute in NYC. I guess what I mean to say is that even if the endo situation gets worse for you, there is still hope. Dr. Sher of the SHER Institue told her a lot of interesting informaiton about women with endo getting pregnant. I can tell you more about it if it would be at all helpful.
I think I might be rambling now myself. On a given week I probably still have at least two crappy days because of all the carry over stuff I still deal with emotionally but it is getting better slowly. My cousin always says of pregnacy and birth: nine months in, nine months out. I triple that for the traumatized. As for healing once and for all, I think it's important that we fiure out how. My mom had a horrible birth with me which I never knew until I had my son. I have been able to see though, that she still carries a lot of it with her in an unhealthy way and never found peace / resolution. I don't want to be like that 30 years from now.
I hope things are going okay for you. Maybe it would be helpful to both of us to chat more about it. Feel free to PM me also if you want.