sex really hurts and it makes me sad - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 15 Old 08-03-2009, 11:03 PM - Thread Starter
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my son is 6.5 months old. i had a completely natural vaginal birth; he was posterior forever and i think his shoulder got stuck -- i ended up with a 2nd degree tear and needed stitches. he was 9 lbs 4.5 oz and my first baby.

at my 8 wk pp visit my midwife said my stitches had all healed but there was one little spot that she described as like "raw skin" that would still need to heal. she said she could use silver nitrate on it to seal it or just wait it out -- she recommended waiting because the silver nitrate "hurt like the devil."

every time (and granted, this hasn't been often because opportunities are far and in between) and DH and i try to have sex i have to stop because it hurts soo bad. it just burns like crazy. it's where that little raw spot was. the other day we tried to DTD and afterward it just stung so bad. it feels like losing my virginity all over again, only more painful.

my husband is understandably sad and a little antsy, although very patient. i am very sad, too. will i ever be normal again down there?

i've thought about making an appointment with my m/w to see if that little raw spot has healed or if she can recommend anything. has anyone had a similar situation and did it just resolve itself with time?

i know that breastfeeding makes me dry so we use lots and lots of lube. but i think part of it is pyschological. like i can't shut off mommy brain and focus on something else. i think that if i had enough time for some really good adequate foreplay things would go easier but these days sex is kind of "ok the babe is asleep HURRY BEFORE HE WAKES UP!!!!" and i am having a hard time "switching" to sex mode in the 15 minutes before he wakes up again, kwim? plus i just lie there listening for him to wake up.

i just feel really bad for my husband. he's got needs, too, you know? and we do "other stuff" but i think he would really like penetration...which hurts like the dickens right now. and when i am like "ow, please stop" he of course stops because he doesn't want to hurt me but i can tell he is said and a bit blue-balled. haha.

any advice? sorry for the rambles...

helpmeet. mama to Sam (1.18.09 ) and another baby boy (due 2.1.2011 ). planning our first .
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#2 of 15 Old 08-03-2009, 11:09 PM
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I feell your pain as well. I am having a hard time getting back into sex 2.5 month pp. Maddy was born vaginal and her head was hyperextended so they gave me an episiotamy so I wouldn't tear up but there is still some major sensitive damage. We will try to go for it at night when the kids go to be so mommy mode is relaxed a bit though if that helps. You could also try that ky intrigue. I don't know if it works but it is made for female enhancement
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#3 of 15 Old 08-04-2009, 10:27 AM
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I had a third degree tear as my son came out with his hand next to his head. Sex was very painful for me for almost a year, even with lots of lubrication.

Hubby and I did other things that were easier on me and it forced us to be creative and also to learn and grow from this trying time. He was very patient and understanding with me which helped a ton.

Once I got my period back, things improved immensely!! Now I enjoy and initiate sex again. SO be kind to yourself and try and relax-being nervous only makes it worse. I would also try other things besides intercourse.
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#4 of 15 Old 08-05-2009, 05:05 PM
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Sex hurt until my period returned when DD was 20 months old. I had a second degree tear.

I'm 2.5 weeks post partum and I really really hope I don't have the same expereince this time.

mama to DD (7), DS (3.5), and another DS arriving in August!

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#5 of 15 Old 08-05-2009, 07:27 PM
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ITA with the PPs - it got SO much better once I got my cycle back! There is light at the end of the tunnel

Mama to my beautiful boys (July 07, Jan 10, May 12)  
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#6 of 15 Old 08-05-2009, 10:45 PM
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I dont think i have ever posted here, although I could for sure, but my baby is almost 6 now.
This post caught my attention.
What everyone here has said is great! But i thought I would add...

I know that many of us are not into medical involvment whennot needed, but personally, when something is affecting my life as much as this is yours, it can be worth checking into.

You may have developed granulated scar tissue in that area. I ended up with a good amount of this myself. My situation was different, but it was very painful, and extremely frustrating. I did see my DR (great woman i was already seeing for issues) and she went ahead with the silver nitrate.

It was one of the worst days of my life, I had some other things that added to this, but yes it was extremly painful. BUT I am SOOO glad i did it. SOO glad. After it healed, i felt normal again. The difference was amazing.

Anyhow, I just thought I would share my story, and say, it may be worth talking to your midwife about. the short recovery and pain from that would be less than what you are dealing with long term now as a quality of life issue.

Lisa~Was Aspiring Midwife~Now-AAMI Midwifery Student #2020~Mama to Zackery 3/29/96, Drake 9/22/01, and Selina 10/26/03...and here was the link to my new blog
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#7 of 15 Old 08-11-2009, 03:37 PM
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Don't underestimate how much those BFing hormones can affect your lady-parts. DTD was painful for me until DD was about 8 mo. old. At that point I made an appointment with Gyn who specialized in these type of issues. However, I ended up cancelling the appointment because things improved dramatically when DD dropped a few nursing sessions, around 10 mo. old. Things got even better when DD turned a year old and dropped a few more nursing sessions. That's when my drive finally came back and I started enjoying DTD more.

My point is, don't be afraid to seek-out a specialist if you feel you need to and definitely, definitely keep communicating with your MW about these issues. If you don't say anything, no one can help you, KWIM?

Mom to retired nursling Lily (6/22/07) and wife to my wonderful DH since 3/19/05
Baby Aerick is here! Born at 40+6 on 5/16/10
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#8 of 15 Old 08-31-2009, 06:21 PM
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I had pain for a long time. It was weird for me, for the first 3-4 months it was OK and then suddenly it was worse. Anyway it also got better. I'd say that about a year PP I started feeling just slight pain or pressure instead of the severe pain that I'd get before.

FTR I'm still breastfeeding and I havent gotten a period yet.

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#9 of 15 Old 08-31-2009, 09:30 PM
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I am soooo happy to see this thread. I feel like postpartum sexuality is something that no one is talking about, I felt completely alone and there wasn't any information out there to help.

I felt horrible pain during intercourse. I would describe it as traumatic. I was convinced that my sex life was over forever. In an attempt to find out what was happening with other women I started a survey. Feel free to participate if you wish. So far I have discovered that close to 80% of women are experiencing painful intercourse after giving birth and close to 50% of couples aren't having sex at all for years in some cases.

I discovered that my pain was caused by scar tissue and I went to a Sexological Bodyworker who literally wiped the scars away. I couldn't believe it. I had major keloid scars that are now pretty much gone. I also used castor oil and that helped break up the collagen. I am so passionate about this that I want to do more research.

I am also a Certified Sexological Bodyworker, so I have started a study to help women postpartum. If anyone is in the LA area and would like to participate, you will get all of your session work for free. I want to see how much of painful intercourse is related to hormones, pelvic floor health, and scar tissue. There is also an emotional element I am sure, during my sessions I cried a lot as the intensity of the birth was released.

Here are 7 steps that I put together to help myself:
Fitness and Nutrition (Lots of Kegels and MSM)
Hormones (My DR. checked my hormones and gave me supplements to help things out)
Emotional Clearing (Releasing the physical trauma and emotion from my body)
Understanding my Body (learning as much as i could about scar tissue and my own anatomy)
Healing the Physical Scars (recieving bodywork sessions to work on the scar tissue)
Sexual Education (making sure that my partner was educated, and learning about different personal lubricants and other stuff that would work, as well as doing things that didn't necessarily involve penetration sex)
Effective Communication (making sure I knew how to communicate with my partner about what I was experiencing, as well as with my bodyworker, midwives and doctor)

Good luck to everyone, and I look forward to continued conversation and shedding the light on this topic that has been in the dark for far too long.

Question: What exactly does the Silver Nitrate do?
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#10 of 15 Old 08-31-2009, 10:07 PM
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My babe will be a year old in a month (wow) and sex still hurts me. It doesn't hurt as much anymore, but it still hurts. When my daughter was born, I literally tore in half and it took 40 mins to stitch me back up. So I understand the pain there.

It's okay if you don't want to have sex right away. DP and I only started having regular sex about a month ago. (We had other problems too but honestly the sex was so painful that it didn't really matter) So I wouldn't worry about it.

**And here is the graphic part**

Have you thought about trying other ways to lube up without using lube? Definitely don't take a bath or shower right before sex as that dries you out. Perhaps you can do a lot a foreplay and have a decent amount of oral sex. What we did to get ready was to do things gradually. One finger, then two, then three. Then just a slow thrust which eventually got a little faster and a little harder and a little deeper. Eventually I was to the point where we could try to have sex and eventually it worked. It was a bit uncomfortable for the first few thrusts, but then it became exhilarating again. And sex itself finally became fun again, after over a year of not being able to really do much of anything. (Because having sex in the last trimester can shake the baby loose ) If you have any sex toys, they can be used too. Anything that is smaller than his penis so you can "build up" to it, help prepare yourself for it.

I hope that wasn't too gross for you. I agree with a PP that this is something people don't talk about and it needs to be discussed. There's nothing wrong or shameful about it so why shouldn't we discuss it and talk about ways to fix it?

I hope it gets better for you!!

Me with my baby girl Maeleigh (Oct 08) and My (step) baby girl Whren (May 05) in Heaven with her mommy .. And introducing our little JuneBug (June 10) We heard the !!!
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#11 of 15 Old 08-31-2009, 10:32 PM
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I had silver nitrate applied to some granular tissue down there as well. I got numbed though, so the application of it didn't hurt (!!!!). I had some pain that night, but by 48hours after the silver nitrate was applied I was pain free. Completely! It was worth it! I was in so much pain before that it was insane, I couldn't do anything without being in pain other than lie in bed after I woke up in the morning (evening laying down hurt in the afternoon or evening if I had been doing stuff).

If they recommend silver nitrate ask them to numb you first - my gyn just did it, and I had no idea that most people don't get numbed.
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#12 of 15 Old 09-15-2009, 02:48 PM
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Tell your husband it could be worse....I'm 14 months post partum and we're still not doing any penetration here because it's very uncomfortable for me. I expect thing will get back to normal after I start my menstrual cycles again, but I'm still not ovulating yet. :
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#13 of 15 Old 01-03-2010, 06:58 AM
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My granular tissue was actually trimmed off, rather than silver nitrate, as it was external, and it was NIGHT AND DAY difference in how I felt after getting it removed. I'd revisit the question of whether there is granular tissue that needs addressing, #1.

#2 I'd also like to recommend a book, Wild Feminine, by Tami Kent. It's about rehabilitating yourself via your vaginal health. She's an amazing physical therapist, who I've had the honor of being treated by, and her book provides really wonderful information about how to approach this healing on your own.

Co-sleeping, Breastfeeding, EC'ing, Baby-wearing, Homebirthing mama to two fabulous girls 6/2007 and 8/2010
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#14 of 15 Old 01-03-2010, 04:08 PM
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Originally Posted by babymonster View Post
ITA with the PPs - it got SO much better once I got my cycle back! There is light at the end of the tunnel
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#15 of 15 Old 01-04-2010, 10:23 AM
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I had such severe pain that sex was a total no go until I weaned DS at 2 and my cycle came back. By that time the vaginal pain was virtually gone, but after 2 years of pain on any attempt, I had developed vaginismus. Luckily that's been easier to deal with than the original problem and with some mental work (visualization) and some products, things are much much better now (32 months pp!)

It has been a long, bumpy road and even though things are better now, I am so worried this will happen with the next baby (nursing). I feel like I have to choose between my baby's well-being (nursing on demand for 2 years) and my marriage (sex). Ugh!
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